Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man


Investigating for Dummies, Rare Edition

Captain Spitfire,

The Wonderbolts are a group known for being wise and tactful in their snap decisions for taking down some of the most unstable weather patterns in Equestrian history. It's a job that requires thinking in the heat of the moment, minds unmuddled by supposition and no reliance on blind judgment. Such is the legacy of the name Wonderbolt: to quickly pull off miracles in ways no others could do in a short amount of time.

So when I heard about the incident involving your disappearance, I expected it to be a brisk investigation, with no stone left unturned, no drawer unopened, and no curtains unchecked.

What I did not expect was a left-field accusation from Wind Rider against Rainbow Dash to go unopposed by any of the other Wonderbolts, then insisting she prove herself innocent of a crime she supposedly committed. Since when have we taken an inquisitorial approach for a military official's questionable disappearance?

Furthermore, if all of them suspected Rainbow Dash of the crime, why did they give her free access to the crime scene without an approved escort? And no, Rarity doesn't count, as she was a friend investigating on behalf of Rainbow Dash. Didn't they have any speck of common sense in thinking that Rainbow and Rarity might resort to means of lower integrity to prove her innocence? Not that I believe that would ever happen, but for a group that's prepared to tackle nearly every possibility, this is an amazing oversight left unacknowledged.

But maybe they were too focused on what they were going to do for the show later on, or perhaps far too occupied looking around the castle for you, and somehow couldn't spare a single pair of eyes themselves for fear of forgetting their flying routines, or coming up with new ones to make up for one less flying Wonderbolt. Then in that case, they should have alerted a guard to the situation. A situation, mind you, that I only found out about when I smelled some of Cinnamon Chai's baking prowess gracing my hallways, and a few guards that stunk of that decadent cake.

Incidentally, those secret cake-munching guards also got a stern lecture regarding the fact that they seem to have forgotten about the resting lounge I had set aside for them--the resting lounge they ate the cake in--and how I'd asked them to never overwork themselves. Tired guards are sloppy guards, but to insist I've never given them that sort of slack? Well, if they thought I'd cracked the whip before now, they know otherwise as of today.

But enough about my guard discipline--they are not the only ones to trigger my ire. Spitfire, pass this onto your Wonderbolts. What I ask of you is something small, easy to maintain. It shouldn't require too much thought, because it should be obvious from the get-go. Please, for all that is good and sacred, exercise some common sense before I exercise mine and discharge the lot of you. Don't worry, the Wonderbolt name won't go away--you've enlisted more than enough reserves for me to finally have the option of committing a full team replacement by now.

However, I do appreciate the Wonderbolts doing at least one smart thing today and stripping Wind Rider of his status. Good fortune has smiled upon us, because Rarity's investigation alone did not prove beyond a shadow of a doubt he had done it. She did prove that somepony else could have had the opportunity to plant the note, but that's all. The stained scarf implicating Rider could have been written off as a coincidence in that he "bumped" into the real culprit carrying the cake, and were it not for Rarity's persistence and his prompt confession, I have no doubt some attorney with half a brain would easily make that defense for him on a later court date.

But more importantly, that means I get to add his name to the invitation blacklist! For a good reason, too--that abysmal cologne of his is so pungent, other ponies wondered why I smelled like a stallion trying too hard to get a date. I was even using my other hoof to greet ponies, and they still smelled it on me. That's downright obnoxious to wear a scent so powerful it spreads to other ponies on contact--dogs have more respect for the trees they mark.

Anyway, keep up the good work, and ONLY the good work, Spitfire, or else Rainbow Dash might take your place. For good.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Right, where were we? Ah yes, I think Colonel Mustang killed Miss Pennywise in the Alchemy Chamber with a wicked tome!

Of course I know he's not a unicorn! He beat down the poor old stallion with the book, Luna Two! The book screamed and everything!

Look, I know it's dubious, but that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. Can anyone prove me wrong?

...well, fine. I guess I was wrong then. Thanks, Tia Two. And wipe that silly grin off your face!