//------------------------------// // Quest? I wasn't on a quest! // Story: I'm Famous? WHAT! // by One of the Crowd //------------------------------// Chapter 5: Quest? I wasn't on a quest! I was back at the panel with Ruby to my right and that pony from the elevator hugging my leg. She actually found a cactus in the city. I didn't expect any of them to find one, but Bon Bon here did. She actually found three cacti since I didn't specify which breed I wanted. I didn;t even know there were more than one type of cactus! I'm getting off topic here because of how hot it is under these lights. Who designed these things to be hotter than Satan's asshole! I'm already off topic again the point is that I'm sweating more than there is blood in my body. "God I'm thirsty" I said quietly which resulted in several water bottles being thrown at me. I can't even whisper without these mares knowing exactly what I say. "You did say you were thirsty," Ruby said while picking up one of the water bottles and taking a sip. "It's good," she tossed the bottle to me before I looked at her. "You sure that nothings in it?" "I feel fine" Well I can't argue with her logic so I gulped down the entire water bottle in half a minute. I didn't even realize how thirsty I was when I drank that because immediately after wards I grabbed another one of the bottles. I probably should of let my impromptu body guard test it first, but fuck it. If I fall unconscious I at least have a slight chance of not waking up with a tattoo of someone's name on my ass. "Can I have some?" The mare clinging to my leg asked. I was about to tell her no when she hit me with the puppy dog eyes. I didn't plan on dying of adorabetes so I dropped her one of the water bottles which she chugged down with one hoof. She seriously needs to let go of my leg so I can walk around a little. I tried shaking her off my leg, but she held firm. I don't even think noticed the chair I was using to try and pry her off. Eventually I just decided that the best was to pull her off was to grab a handful of her and pull. I wasn't sure how to go about this so I just randomly grabbed on to her and pulled...and pulled...and pulled. "Let go already!" I said to the mare who was gripping my leg even tighter. If she doesn't let go in the next three minutes I'm going to- "James Rutabaga?" Sounded an authoritative voice behind me. "For the last time my last name isn't rutabaga It's..." When I turned to face the voice I was met with a very large white horse. "HOLY HORSE WITH WINGS!" "I'm going to assume that's a yes. It's nice to meet you James, I'm Celestia of Equestria," The horse said while extending a hoof toward me. I was still stunned for a minute because this bitch was fucking huge! I mean-"Did you just call me fat?" "I didn't say anything though," I defended. How exactly did she hear my thoughts. "Because I'm an alicorn. We have very advanced magics." She said for no reason. "Can you stop? I don't want you to find my mental porn stash," "I already did, and would rather forget it." hehe, that's what she gets for invading my head without permission. This was when I noticed the shear amount of ponies staring up at me and I mean more than usual. "What?" I asked the crowd. Ruby came up beside me and whispered into my ear. "You're talking about a porn stash with the princess of Equestria. We're all kind of surprised," So I'm meeting royalty, eh. That's nice but does that mean I'm going to be executed for not bowing or something? I mean people with lots of authority tend to be assholes like that. "I wouldn't execute you for such a thing. This century anyway," Celestia said while looking off to the side. There was a pony in armor there that I didn't notice until now. Dude was fucking silent; at least I think it was a dude. "Would you kindly go get my sister?" "Yes mam!" The armor pony said before running toward the exit. eeyup, dude. "Well since I'm pretty sure royalty has better things to do than watch T.V. What do you want?" I asked trying to sound more curious than my normal self.That was a little hard since the closes I could get was sarcasm. "You need to get home," "No shit! Why can't it wait until the end of the con though?" "Because you only have 3 months to do it," What did she just say? "C-can you repeat that?" She just looked toward me knowing I heard her right. "I've got plenty of time then. I mean you just have to open up the way back, right?" "It's not that easy. We need special ingredients for the spell, and a few are extremely rare. I've come to warn you about this," NONONONONONONO NOPE FUCK THIS! "You're saying that there is a good chance I'm trapped?" I asked in almost a whisper. "If we can't get those ingredients then...I'm sorry," I'm trapped? There's a good chance I'm never going home, and it's ALL DISCORDS FAULT! When I get my hands on him I'm going to rip his fucking arms out and beating him to death! That's right I'm going all Chewbacca on his ass! "I understand you're angry at him, but he's going to help you collect the ingredients." "Wait, me!" "Those rare ingredients are in lands not meant for us ponies," "Then why are you sending me?" "Because you are more in-tune with these lands," What could she possibly mean by that. She face hoofed before speaking again, "The races that live in these lands are violent," "Your point?" "You are depicted as a warrior in your show, correct?" Ruby actually stepped in here. "He's actually depicted as a pugnacious college student, your highness," Did Ruby really have to explain that? I mean you'd expect a leader to at least know about some of her populace watching a show not meant for them. I'm not putting these mares down I'm just wodering what they like about it. "That complicates things. However his readiness to fight will still give him an edge over my little ponies," "You know what? Just tell me where the fuck to go so I don't get trapped," I said looking toward Celestia who made a map appear out of thin air. I need to learn how to do that, "First we're going to need dragon's fire," "We already have Ruby so we're good there" I said while patting Ruby on the back. Celestia looked up at me with an unamused expression, "We need a plant called dragon fire. Though you're right that it's in the dragon's lands. Next is a changeling queen's royal jelly," "What's a changeling?" I asked which ruby quickly explained to me about bugs who love fucking. That's not exactly what she said, but it's how I took it so that's how I remember it. "Finally, We need a diamond dog alpha's tooth," "A dog's tooth? Easy enough," "Their claws can cut through stone, and they can feel even the slightest vibration when they're underground," Well shit. How exactly am I going to get through all that in three months with dragons, fuck bugs, and bitches that can cut stone? This was when Discord materialized next to me with a smile. "Ready to assemble your crew?" He asked. I just smiled back at him before speaking, "Yeah. Right after I SHOVE THIS CACTUS UP YOUR ASS!" I then pulled out one of the cacti the Bon Bon had brought me earlier! "I'm going to give you a three second head start."