“Strawberry cinnamon cilantro salutations!”
“Shut up, Pinkie, I’m busy.”
I was getting Rarity to make me with another tux. The old one didn’t fit anymore.
Undeterred, Pinkie went on. “Shut up indeed. I bet you’re wondering what warrants such a welcome! Well, that welcome is warranted by a pony that whisked up a warm batch of strawberry cinnamon cilantro cupcakes! That strangely sickening flavor combination sounds just as bad as it tastes, so I came here to offer you some!”
“After that visually descriptive and disturbing endorsement,” said Rarity, “I'll pass.”
“Oh, I almost forgot!” said Pinkie. “I have this letter for you, Rarity! The post pony was going to deliver it, but after a strawberry cinnamon cilantro cupcake, he was feeling kind of queasy, and since I was heading over anyway, I figured I could do it for him! Here you go!”
Forgetting my tux, Rarity took the letter and read it. “I got it!”
“Woo-hoo!” Pinkie cheered. “Got what?”
“Oh, I have been holding out for the perfect location, and it finally became available, so now I can fulfill my dream of opening a boutique in Canterlot!” Rarity gushed.
“If you were looking for a place in Canterlot, Twilight could give you her old study that she hasn’t used in forever,” I pointed out. “Or heck, I could give you the abandoned lot I own in Canterlot where there used to be a magic comic shop.”
“Just…given?” Rarity said. “An entire lot ready to be built upon?”
“I don’t need it,” I said. “And I’ll give it to you if you finish my tux.”
“Well, surely I could pay you something for it,” she said.
“Nah, it’s okay. I mean, Christ, what do I need money for? I’m God.”
“Oh God!” Pinkie convulsed, throwing up in the trashcan. “I lost my cupcakes!”
I frowned. It was so unlike Pinkie to make baked goods that made ponies sick, much less consume them herself, much less have Pinkie’s stomach get upset.
Rarity agreed to build on the lot and immediately made plans. Like, immediately-immediately, leaving my tux unfinished.
I sighed. If she was going to Canterlot, I would have to follow her.
“Why are we doing this?” Braeburn screamed a short time later. I’d strapped him to an armchair atop Tin Mare’s chassis.
“I needed to make sure this would work,” I said. “And you’re about the most durable pony around.”
“Well, it’s not like I have anything left to live for after Cherry died,” he agreed.
“That’s the spirit.”
“Canterlot in sight,” Tin Mare reported.
“Land in the street near Rarity’s new place,” I said.
“Pulling satellite footage…location determined. Landing now.”
Tin Mare’s jet engines changed pitch and she descended into the city. Her metal wings came within inches of the buildings on either side as she set down in the street.
I unstrapped Braeburn and hopped off. He unsteadily got down. Tin Mare opened her gun loading door to give him a place to step.
I walked over to Rarity’s new shop, the Canterlot Carousel. It had gone up remarkably fast. I walked in and Rarity greeted me.
“The place looks good,” I said. “You’ve done a lot of work.”
“I never could have gotten the boutique ready for the grand opening without the help of my new manager, Sassy Saddles!” she said.
“Nice. So you can take a break now and work on my tux.”
A butterface blue unicorn wearing a black dress came over. “You must be Mr. Valiant.”
“I knew I needed a manager for Canterlot Carousel,” said Rarity, “so when Sassy showed me her resumé and I saw that she worked in all of the finest boutiques in Canterlot, I hired her right on the spot.”
Sassy continued. “I then laid out a plan, or ‘pattern’ as we say in the fashion biz, for Canterlot Carousel so that Rarity’s boutique will be a guaranteed success and those doors will never, ever, ever close!”
“I don’t care.” I turned to Rarity. “Finish my tux.”
“Just a moment,” said Sassy. “Mr. Valiant, I have something that I think will draw your attention. I’ve been doing market research and I think you may be just what we need to bring in the mares. You’ve got the bad-boy persona, but so little else is known about you that everypony will come to learn more about the mystery. In every poll I gave, you were voted the least likely to launch a fashion line. So, if we do that, nopony will be able to resist!”
“I don’t care.” I turned back to Rarity. “Finish my tux.”
“But my marketing research confirmed that customers that viewed somepony famous wearing an article of clothing wish to own that clothing for themselves. I call this piece of the pattern Celebrity Status!”
I tapped my earpiece. “Tin Mare, five rounds rapid through the front window.”
BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG
Sassy screeched and dropped to the floor. From outside, I faintly heard Braeburn also screeching.
Rarity looked aghast at the destruction, which other than 25mm holes in the back wall and some glass scattered around was really not that bad. I’d practically caused worse property damage by sneezing.
“Why don’t I finish that tux for you,” said Rarity. “Though I must warn you it may take right up until the show I’ve scheduled for this evening’s grand opening.”
“Is this a ploy to get me to model for you?”
“Is it a ploy if you saw right through it?”
I shrugged. “Fair enough.”
I walked outside. Braeburn had gotten up and was talking quietly with Tin Mare while cautious Canterlot ponies kept their distance from the jet in the street.
“It is hella unfortunate that I was unable to warn you before I began firing,” Tin Mare said. “I am programmed to react.”
“‘Hella?’” Braeburn asked.
“That word is also part of my programming.”
“Speaking of programming, nice work,” I said.
“Perhaps in the future I could instead use a brief afterburner thrust,” Tin Mare suggested. “To save ammunition.”
“Not a bad idea,” I said.
“Wait, you aren’t a robot?” said Braeburn. “You can come up with your own ideas?”
“I incorporate a brain, making me the most sophisticated artificial intelligence ever constructed,” Tin Mare replied.
Braeburn looked at me.
“Yeah, she’s built out of a real pony,” I confirmed.
“I know that feeling,” he muttered. He stared down the street. “The donut shop isn’t too far from here. Does anypony want anything?”
“No,” I said.
“No, thank you,” said Tin Mare.
Braeburn walked away. I stepped around a crowd of ponies, mostly mares, who were gathering outside the boutique. A few photographers were mixed in. I drew my share of stares, but none of them were dumb enough to take my picture. Word gets around.
In a few minutes, Rarity gestured to me from a window and I walked in the back door. She had the tux ready and when I put it on I looked awesome.
“I think we’re about ready to go,” said Rarity. “I cleaned up the broken glass so nopony gets hurt.” She walked for the door.
Sassy threw it open before she got there. “Welcome to the grand opening of Canterlot Carousel!”
The crowd came flooding in. A few dresses and other clothes were set up. I stood in the shadows at the top of the stairs, waiting for my cue.
“Rarity, are you ready to reveal the collection?” Sassy called.
“Yes I am,” Rarity replied. She stepped to her position. “Fillies and gentlecolts! I am designer and couturier Rarity. I’d like to welcome you to the grand opening of Canterlot Carousel!”
She went on, giving her spiel while Sassy provided visual aids. I got the feeling the two of them hadn’t practiced this. I was out of time to think, though, because my cue came.
Rarity said, “And for our finale, I have something very special. My dear, ah, associate has helped me to fashion the most masculine suit ever crafted. I call it-”
“It’s the beginning of the exclusive V collection,” broke in Sassy. “We’re now accepting orders for this dark and mysterious ensemble. I am pleased to introduce the grand finale of this collection, worn by the one and only Plymouth Valiant!”
I came down the stairs and bitched her out. “You’re a terrible assistant. Go outside and talk to the jet and think about the stupid shit you’ve done.”
The crowd loved it. “He’s so like I pictured him!” someone sqee’d.
Sassy looked aghast. I shot her a glare and she stumbled away.
The fashion journalists were going nuts. Rarity had produced a tux so exclusive that it couldn’t even be photographed or the camera would suddenly suffer an existence failure at the hooves of the one and only Valiant.
A whole lot of ponies with different body types were around. I hadn’t seen that much variation anywhere before. I guess the fashion shops really brought out the weirdos. And the fatsos.
Actually taking a closer look, the bulky mare who had wandered in wasn’t entirely a butterball – not droopy enough. Maybe she was a wrestler or hammer thrower or something. They couldn’t all be as cut as Applejack.
Me being me, I didn’t hang around the shop too long for the afterparty. Excusing myself, I tuned up my earpiece.
Tin Mare was explaining the nuances of being a subordinate.
“You must clearly establish the working relationship with your boss, to determine if you are being appointed to run the enterprise, merely following orders, or somewhere in between. In any case, you do not make changes without receiving approval. And above all, you do not undercut your boss in front of others. You do not talk over them. You do not steal the spotlight.”
“Corduroy and chiffon, am I really taking orders from a robot?” Sassy said. “What do you know about it?”
“Can you imagine the horrors that would be inflicted upon the world if a self-aware war machine such as myself were allowed total authority to make decisions?” Tin Mare said.
“Is that a threat?” Sassy asked.
“No. It is a fact that I could kill you where you stand and many ponies within miles. I have no reason to, but even if I wanted, I do not have that authority. This is why a command structure exists. The decision is not mine to make.”
“Because you’re a robot,” Sassy said. “You’re a servant, whereas I am a living thinking being.”
“There’s no need to go slinging insults,” said Braeburn, arriving just then.
“I am not insulted,” said Tin Mare. “I have no feelings to hurt.”
“See?” said Sassy. “Why am I listening to this?”
I arrived then. “Because if you don’t, I’ll tell Tin Mare to pulverize you and she will do it.”
“Hella,” agreed Tin Mare.
Sassy cut her eyes back and forth. “Okay…I’m just going to go now…” She went back into the boutique.
I turned to Braeburn. “All right. Let’s go back to Ponyville.”
He immediately looked panicked.
“Do not worry,” said Tin Mare. “I will fly gently.”
Braeburn hesitated, but willingly got back into the chair. We lifted off for Ponyville.
Back in town, Tin Mare set down near the row of tanks beside the library. I glanced at the grey one that didn’t match the others as I walked by. Pretty soon, I’d have to sort that problem out.
I saw Sunset and she gave me a hug. “Did you have a good day?”
“Good enough, I suppose. You?”
Sunset sighed. “Parent-teacher conferences. Cheerilee doesn’t like me.”
“Well, don’t feel too bad. It’s probably my fault.”
She kissed me and I went on down the street.
When I walked into the library, two ponies wearing hoods were sitting on the couch. I frowned. “I was just about to sit there.”
They raised their heads and I saw it was Cadance and Shining Armor.
“Hey guys,” I said. “Get off my couch.”
“It’s actually my couch,” said Twilight. “My library.”
“The town’s library,” I corrected. “And at this point, I think I’ve claimed ownership of the couch through the homestead principle.”
“Regardless, my brother and his wife are here for a very specific reason,” Twilight said.
“I don’t care.”
“It’s about a great evil that is about to befall Equestria.”
I sighed. “Again? Whatever. I’ll just solve it. I’m God, you know.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. Cadance spoke up. “Valiant, knowing the relationship we have, you understand that we would not have come here if it was not the most serious of issues.”
“Yeah, okay.” I plopped down on the couch between them and stretched out. “What’s got your shorts in a shart?”
“Shart in your shorts?” Shining said, but Cadance went on.
“Ponies are moving into the Crystal Empire.”
“So? If the former Crystal Empire is abandoned, I don’t see any problem with it.”
Cadance looked like she wanted to argue, but instead went on. “I think they are a cult. Their leader wears a mask and they seem totally subservient.”
“Yeah, and? Cults are a dime a dozen. Do you know how many cultists Trixie has taken out all by herself?”
“It is the fact that all of these new ponies have the same equals sign cutie marks that has me worried,” said Cadance. “They number quite a few more than the residents of a mysterious town Twilight tells me she visited with her friends.”
“How many would you say exactly?”
“Exactly? I don’t know. Perhaps two hundred.”
I touched my earpiece. “Tin Mare, how many bullets do you have onboard?”
“Two hundred fifteen remain. However, unless you wish me to fly low and slow and expose myself to counterattack, I do not recommend using my gun to individually shoot every cultist.”
“You’re right. You’d probably better go load up with bombs.”
“Based on the latest satellite scans, the targets are currently away from the former Crystal Empire.”
I checked the invisible watch on my fetlock. “Well, they’re gone now. That was easy. What other great evils do you have for me?”
“They come and go,” Shining said. “Maybe they’ve gone out on a scouting mission. Their numbers keep increasing. Also, if this is truly like the village Twilight and the others discovered, maybe they can be reformed.”
I let out an extended sigh. “So we’re doing this the hard way. Tin Mare, cancel that.”
“Standing down.”
“Take Braeburn back to Sweet Apple Acres or something.”
“Hey what-” I heard Braeburn say, but Tin Mare’s engines were already spooling up.
I turned back to the conversation inside the library. “Okay, so we’re not using the violent option. So tell me, why did you come to me for advice on how we’re supposed to mass un-indoctrinate a few hundred brainwashed commie ponies?”
“We didn’t,” said Cadance. “We came for Twilight. You just walked in.”
“Hey, great! Now get off my couch.”