I had about ten seconds of silence to brace myself. That was hardly enough considering I was still in shock from what had just passed my lips. It was about five seconds less than it took to be slammed onto my back, held down, and have my worldview covered in indignant cyan and angry rose.
“Changeling! What the buck did you do to Pinkie Pie, you filthy bug!” My view rocked, and pain jarred my senses as hooves slammed into my head in a staccato rhythm. Rainbow Dash pummeled my face in a rapid fire onslaught of pain as she continued to scream at me.
“Rainbow Dash! Get off of her!” A violet glow covered my attacker as she screamed in primal rage, before finally pulling her off of me.
“Yes darling, we will never get any information if you beat it unconscious.” Rarity joined in, but with a rather murderous edge to her voice.
“Naw, I say we let her buck it silly, then let it beg to tell us. Damn bugs ain't nuttin but hellspawn anyway.” Applejack stepped closer, ready to finished the job herself.
“Wait!” The soft voice of Fluttershy brought pause to the violent mares. I thanked whatever gods this world had that they seemed to listen to her. “Um, isn't it odd that it still looks like Pinkie? I mean, umm, after Rainbow Dash hurt it and all.” Losing steam, she looked away suddenly. “Or maybe I am wrong?” Barely a whisper, the yellow pegasus seemed to deflate like an old party balloon.
“She’s right. Most changelings turn back into a bug after you rough ‘em up enough.” AJ scratched her head, looking unsure now.
“Well maybe we ain’t beat it’s flank enough yet! Lemme go, Twilight! I wanna smash it’s buggy face in!” Dash almost broke free, before the violet glow intensified and pinned her to the ground.
Mind you, this took place in less time than it took me to describe it, and while I was still reeling from the initial onslaught, the ponies sharing my head were in a panic.
“They know! They KNOW! Oh Celestia they know now!” Pinkie started to yell, grabbing Pinkamina and shaking her. Pinkamina looked less than amused, yet stoic.
“Why would you tell them? I thought you were our friend! We trusted you.” Surprize grabbed me from behind, crying tearfully into my ear as I tried to regain control and salvage the situation. Pinkamina just glared at me over my shoulder, and I think that hurt most of all.
“Calm down, dammit! They don't know anything yet. They just think we are a changeling, whatever that is.” A concerted gasp came from the room, and I realized that once again I done goofed. I had just broken rule one, and spoken aloud.
“What are you talking about? What is she talking about, Twilight? Why is she referring to herself as we?” Rarity blinked in surprise.
“I dunno, but there is one way to tell if she is a changeling.” Twilight charged up another spell, and aimed it at me before I could react. Strangely, it only tingled as he passed over me, leaving me unaffected. “Huh, well that didn't work.” she muttered.
“I’m not a changeling, Twilight. I didn't do anything to Pinkie Pie, because I AM Pinkie Pie. Kinda. Sorta. Dammit.” I muttered.
“Wait, but you just said... I mean, you. What are you talking about?” Rubbing her temples in frustration, the purple mare groaned.
Looking back over my mental shoulder, I saw the three mares staring wide eyes back at me in fright. They valued their secret so much, and were terrified of being found out. I closed my real eyes and sighed deeply, making a decision. In my mind, I smiled confidently, and addressed my mental companions. “Don’t worry, I got this.”
Opening my eyes, I looked over each of the five ponies before me. As I slowly regained my hooves, they all tensed, some to flee, others to fight. Twilight was looking confused, Rarity was looking pensive, Applejack stared at me coolly, while Rainbow Dash glared death from across the room, still held by a rosy glow of magic. However, it was Fluttershy that struck me the most, somehow looking both frightened, and terribly sad at the same time, as if she was watching a vicious animal slowly die. In a way, she was right.
“I have a confession to make. This is Pinkie Pie’s body, but I am not Pinkie Pie. I somehow ended up in her head and in control of her body, but she is still here in her head with me. She is safe, and when I leave, she will have full control back again.”
“What are you? Where did you come from, and what did you do to Pinkie?” Twilight regained her authoritative tone and began her inquisition. I knew that tone well. It was the voice of a mage, and one not to be trifled with.
“My name is Anonymous. I come from another universe, and have been cursed to travel from world to world, until I can find a way to break the curse. I never meant to land here, and have never had to share the body with anyone before. I just want to go home, but until the curse makes me jump, or my host dies, I am stuck here.” Shrugging, I sat down and awaited my fate.
“So wait, you are saying you are some kinda freaky alien, stuck in Pinkie’s body? And she’s in there with you?” Rainbow Dash, now free of the magical restraints, flew up into my face and peered into my eyes, as if she could see into my head and find her friend trapped inside. “You in there Pinkie? Blink if you can hear me!” Screaming in my face, Dash tried to contact her friend.
“Wait, do you really expect us to believe this bullpucky about aliens in your head, Pinkie? Well I dun believe it, nohow.” Applejack crossed her arms and sat back with a nod.
“So hold on.” Rarity looked thoughtful, “If you are in Pinkie’s head, then was it you kissing Twilight earlier?” She smiled coyly at Twilight, who blushed crimson while sputtering indignantly.
“No, no no! That was all Pinkie! We can take turns if we want to, but you caught me at the wheel with that truth spell.” I sputtered back.
“So prove it!” Rainbow Dash challenged. “Let Pinkie have control so we can talk to her.”
I looked back at the others, and saw a scared Pinkie being pushed forth reluctantly. I mentally stepped aside, and felt the world grow a bit less distinct as we switched roles.
“Oh, hiya girls! Pinkie Pie here, um... yes, just Pinkie, and certainly nopony else. Definitely not another pony, or human, or...” We collectively all facepalmed as she floundered at the controls. “So, sorry about not telling you. Johnny is just a little shy and didn't want anypony to know he was in here. Alone. With me. And definitely nopony else.” Even I could feel the sweat dripping down our hide.
“I dunno, I still dun buy it.” Applejack quipped, cocking an eyebrow.
“I know, lemme ask something only Pinkie would know!” Dash flew back into our personal space, and grabbed our face, before yelling as if we were hard of hearing. “PINKIE! CAN YOU TELL US THE ONE PONY YOU WOULD NEVER PRANK?”
Pulling back, Pinkie rubbed our ears, which were smarting from the auditory onslaught. “Gesh Dashie, you don't have to yell. There are some ponies that don't like my pranks, but they usually laugh and forgive me later. But the one pony I never Prank is Fluttershy, because she’s so sensitive, and I would never want to hurt her feelings.” At the mention of her name, the yellow pegasus squeaked and ducked behind Applejack.
“Welp, I‘m convinced. Welcome back Pinkie!” Dash quickly gave us a hug, and returned to the other mares across the room. The others just glared at her. “What? Nopony else could possibly know that, I was there.”
“So who is Johnny?” Twilight asked, not looking nearly as convinced as Dash.
“Oh, umm. That is what he said his name was. I dunno why he said he was Anonymous. Maybe that’s his last name?” Grinning sheepishly, Pinkie rubbed the back of our neck.
“So let me get this straight. You are really Pinkie, and now you have some inter-dimensional being living in your head, and he was controlling your body?” Rarity asked, pointedly.
“Yeah! I’m really sorry I didn't say anything earlier, but I didn't want you all to get scared and stop being my friend.” Pinkie was starting to calm down, but now seemed more depressed.
“Are you sure it was you that kissed Twilight? Because that was kinda hot!” Rainbow Dash piped up, wagging her eyebrows at us. The others just facehoofed.
“Don’t answer that, Pinkie. I’m not sure I even want to know.” Twilight rubbed her face with a hoof. “What I am sure of is, my friend has a potentially harmful creature affecting her mind, and she need my help. And as Celestia is my witness,”
“Damn I hate those guys...” Rainbow Dash muttered.
“... I, wait, what?” The unicorn stopped in mid-proclamation.
“You know, Celestia’s Witnesses. They are friggin annoying. Always knocking on your door, interrupting valuable nap time to talk about the power of the Sun Princess, and how she will save our souls from Tartarus.” Throwing her hooves up, Dash stared at the ceiling. “Screw that noise. My family have always been Lunites, ever since my great-to the something power grandfather joined the Lunar Republic. Not that it lasted long, what with Luna going nuts and becoming Nightmare Moon.” Slowly she realized that her friends were all looking at her funny, and stopped.
“What? There is a reason the Shadowbolts wanted to recruit me, you know. Luna is like my great ancestor or something, on my father’s side. I’m pretty sure I’m part thestral. I told you guys this at my Bat Marezvah party.” Sighing, she plopped on the ground and sat her heads on her hooves. “Some friends you all are.”
“Wait, Rainbow Dash is Lunish?” Rarity asked.
“Great, another Lunish Princess!” Applejack rolled her eyes.
“Funny, she doesn't look Lunish.” Fluttershy chimed in, before clapping her hooves over her mouth in shock. “I’m so sorry, that was rude of me!”
“Girls! Can we get back on topic here?” Twilight yelled, getting all eyes back on her. “So, Dash is a Lunite, Celestia is best princess, and we still have some creature controlling our friend!”
“Hey!” Dash retorted, but was ignored by the others.
“So, AS I WAS SAYING...” The purple mare glared pointedly at the indignant pegasus. “I will not let my friend suffer like this. I will help you Pinkie Pie, and rid you of this infestation. I have an exorcism spell that will banish this Anonymous to wherever he came from.” Grinning, she started charging her horn with a spell. “Stand back! I’m going to MAGIC!”
“No, Twilight! Wait!” Pinkie panicked, but was quickly restrained by both Applejack and Rainbow Dash. “Don’t do this, he’s not going to hurt anypony!”
“Oh shit, this may be bad. Unless she can send me back to my world, I may get stuck here until the curse moves me on to the next.” I started to panic as well. I was exorcised once before, and spent over a year as a ghost, while my host body died from lack of a soul. I couldn't be harmed, but the body I was in wasn't as durable.
“But maybe she can send you home!” Surprize leaned in close, giving me a mental hug.
“I don't know if we can take that chance!” I tried to get control of the body to help struggle, but just as I was reaching forth with my will, the spell went off. Nothing happened.
“So, did it work?” Twilight asked, pensively.
“Huh, I don't think it did anything.” Pinkie replied to her friend. She looked back where I was being hugged by the other two mares in our shared mindscape. “I do feel kinda...”
As she stopped talking, I realized that even the dim sensations from the body were gone, as if it had gone numb. And then the world went sideways.
Ow. Well I guess pain was good. Pain meant I was still alive, and seeing as I was no longer being stared at by a bunch of pastel cartoon characters, I must have jumped. Groaning, I tried to get to my feet, only to stumble and fall again. Nothing felt broken, but it still felt all wrong, yet familiar. I blinked away the dust, and shook my head, before noticing a tuft of pink hair.
Crap, I hadn't jumped. Pink hooves, darker pink hair. What the hell happened then?
“Girls?” I looked back, but didn't see the faces in my mind. Oh no, what happened to them?
“Pinkie Pie! There you are!” I heard the voice of Rainbow Dash yelling in the distance. The source of the voice was a rapidly approaching blue and rainbow blur.
“Rainbow Dash?” Oh crap, the others would be right behind them. I turned to run, but stumbled, feeling dizzy for a moment.
“Owie!” I heard the now familiar voice of Surprize in my head. Blinking again, I looked inwards to see all three girls blinking confusedly. “Did anypony get the number of that carriage?”
“Yes! You guys are safe, I was worried for a moment.” I crowed inwardly.
“Wow, Pinkie! I think you even broke my speed record with that flight. I will never doubt your skills with a party cannon again!” Helping me back to my hooves, Dash gave us a quick hug.
“Cannon? Wha?” I muttered. “What are you talking about, Rainbow? Where are the other girls? And why is it bright out?” I looked around, noticing I was at the edge of a field, in broad daylight.
“What others? It’s just you and me, testing your new Pony Propelling Party Canon. Remember? you kept calling it the P3C?” She tapped me on the head, eliciting a hollow thunk, and I realized I was wearing a helmet. “Are you sure you are alright? It’s a good thing you wore that helmet, or things coulda been worse.”
“I dunno, I kinda hurt all over, but I don't think there is any serious damage.” I unstrapped the helmet and shook my head, noticing the normal curl was missing. Instead our hair flowed out from the helmet and hung limply to one side, much the way Pinkamina’s did. “Last thing I remember though was Twilight trying to banish me at the slumber party.”
“Who the hay is Twilight? Are you sure you are okay? Maybe we should get you to the Ponyton Hospital. Y’know, just to be sure.” She picked me up, and away we went.
“Wait, what? Ponyton? Straight hair? No Twilight?” Pinkie yelled.
“I dunno. I kinda like our hair straight.” Pinkamina replied.
“No, no, no! Something is wrong! Everything is wrong!” Pinkie yelled, and started shaking Pinkamina.
“Umm, girls? I think I know what’s wrong.” I thought to them. The three ponies in my head stopped and turned to look at what I was seeing.
As we entered the town limits, there was a sign. Thankfully, Dash was flying slow enough to read it easily.
Welcome to Ponyton
The Original Home of the New Lunar Republic!
“Girls, I think I did jump. Except this time, you all came with me!”
“Well buck me with a cattle prod.” Pinkamina deadpanned. The other two were so shocked, they didn't even chastise her.
“Ow, quit it. Ow, quit it. Ow, for the last time, quit poking me doc!” I sat back as Pinkamina took a turn at the wheel. I was busy trying to think of what could have possibly happened. I had never had anyone else along on my jumps, but then I had also never shared the head with anyone. Either the other mind was gone, dead, or turned into a spirit when I arrived.
How did the other girls come with me, and what happened to their body when I left? It wasn't the first time I had dwelt on the subject, but it was the first time it weighed so heavily on me. When you moved into an empty house, you wondered about the previous tenants, but it never mattered much because they were gone. I had moved into an occupied home this time, and then gotten us all evicted. And what became of the current pinkie, whose body we were in? Was there another three mares cast into the void, or passed on to the afterlife?
“Dammit, if you poke me one more time, am going to shove that stethoscope so far down your throat, you will be able to listen to your colon!” Pinkamina was finally losing her cool, and Rainbow Dash’s laughing wasn't helping.
“Yes, definitely some mood changes. Isn't she always annoyingly cheerful?” The Doctor turned to Dash, who was trying and failing to hold back a snicker.
“Oh you know Pinkie, always happy, as long as you don't break a Pinkie Promise, or miss one of her parties.” She shrugged. Maybe her blood sugar is low? The way she eats sweets, I’m surprised she doesn't weigh twice as much.
“Oh, ha, ha. You eat just as much as I do, and drink twice as much cider, when you can get your hooves on it!” Pinkamina growled back
“Yea, but I’m an athlete. I like, gotta keep up my energy for all the awesome stunts and stuff. That's why I stay lean and mean.” Dash shot back, flexing her muscles.
“Yes well you may be right, Ms. Dash. And as soon as the X-rays arrive, we can get some food into your friend here.” Turning toward Pinkie, he extended a hoof to poke another spot, receiving a growl in response from my host. He changed his mind and stepped toward the door, where a nurse was bringing in an envelope.
“Ah yes, thank you Miss Ray Shine. I’ll take those.” Levitating the slides to a light table, he peered at them as the nurse let herself out.
“Hmm, well. Everything seems fine to me. No visible fractures, no lesions, and nothing broken. Although I may need to get our equipment calibrated again. This spot here looks like you are wearing a necklace, although I can clearly see you are not. Strange...” Muttering, he wrote some notes on a pad, and scratched his head.
“So, can we go now? I have guard duty tonight, and Pinkie needs to be back by curfew.” Dash hopped up, fidgeting.
“What? Oh, of course, Captain. She is free to go. Oh, and congratulations on the promotion!” Shaking her hoof, the doctor grinned. “It feels safe knowing the town hero is protecting us at night.”
“Thanks Doc! C’mon Pinks, let’s get you back home before nightfall. I don’t need my friends getting into trouble my first week on the job.” Without a word, we followed her home. Well, not a word that she could hear.
“What the hay is going on? Pinkie is a guard captain? There’s a curfew? The hospital gowns open in the front? The cake was a lie!? What madness is this?!” Pinkie continued to rant, while Surprize just sat quietly, and Pinkamina concentrated on controlling, only once turning around to roll her eyes at us.
Myself, I was lost in thought. Things were getting weirder and weirder. In addition to all the other things that had never happened before, I had jumped to the same person in a parallel world, almost exactly like the one I left. I mean, technically there was that one groundhog day world, where I spent over a year reliving the same day in a loop, but that was different.
The next thing I noticed, we were in Pinkie’s room, shoveling food into our mouth, while Pinkie ranted. Pinkamina joined me and Surprize and just let her go at it.
“It doesn't make any sense! What kinda nightmare world is this?” She held up a paper, with the headlines “Ponies missing, Queen Luna orders investigation.” A quick scan of the article mentions Grand Inquisitor Sparkle leading the investigation to the sudden rash of disappearances, and reports of a strange haze hanging over the Everfree. Notes about the recently enacted curfew in Ponyton explained what Dash had mentioned.
“So, what, Twilight never left Canterlot? Nightmare Moon was never defeated?” Muttering to herself, Pinkie jammed another cupcake into her mouth as she paced the floor.
“Actually, it was Celestia that was defeated, a thousand years ago. The Eternal Queen, Nightmare Moon, has ruled peacefully ever since the tyrant was banished.” A deep bass voice piped up from behind us.
“Gummy!” Spinning around, Pinkie dashed over to a small lizard that was staring impassively at us. “I was so hoping you would be waiting for me.”
“Yes, It is I, Gummy the Gator. But the question is, who are you?” I did a mental double take as the creature seemed to talk without moving it’s lips at all. In fact, the only sign that it was alive was a single solitary blink.
“The hell is that thing?” I blurted out.
“That’s our pet, and bestest friend, Gummy! He’s a baby alligator.” Surprize answered chipperly, seemingly as happy to see the reptile as Pinkie.
“Oh, Gummy! You big kidder. You know it’s me, Pinkie Pie!” We answered though Pinkie.
“I see the body of the pony I know, but you speak with another mare’s mind. You do not belong here, and neither does the human.” And again the slow blink.
“Anyone else notice he not only knows who we are, but that he’s projecting directly into our mind? Am I the only one that finds that creepy?” I looked around at the others, who were starting to look worried.
“Well, our Gummy could only talk to us, and was the only creature that knew our secret, so I guess it only makes sense that this Gummy can too.” Pinkamina explained, and mentally shrugged.
“Oh, um. Drat.” Pinkie stomped a hoof. “We are just kinda visiting, from another Pinkie.”
“That makes sense. Just be sure to return my Pinkie when you leave.” and just like that, he turned to waddle away.
“Wait that makes sense? Why does that make sense? HOW DOES IT MAKE SENSE!?”
“That was weird. And why did he sound like Nibbler from Futurama?” I pondered.
“I dunno, he’s always sounded like that. He’s got a sexy voice, for an alligator!” Pinkie grinned, and hugged herself, getting groans from the rest of us. “What? It is sexy!”
“You know it, baby!” Came the deep bass voice from the next room. Pinkie shuddered in response.
“Okay, this is starting to max out my weirdness tolerance. Can we try to get some sleep, and maybe figure it out in the morning?” I received no arguments from my companions, and after a thankfully brief and awkward trip to the bathroom, we crawled into the overstuffed bed and were quickly asleep, surrounded by stuffed animals.
New on my list of things that have never happened before now, waking up inside a head that already has someone awake at the wheel. Not unlike waking up on a road trip after passing out in a car, only to find the driver has continued through the night into another state. It was going to be one of those days.
“Good morning, sleepy-in-my-head!” Surprize’s gratingly chipper voice sounded out. “We haven't had a sleep in like that in years!”
“A what? What time is it?” I felt as much as heard the others waking up as well.
“Well, we don’t usually all sleep at once. There is always one of us at the wheel, so that way we get so much more done. How else do you think we do so much planning and preparation?” Grinning at her reflection in the mirror, She started to brush our teeth.
“So wait, you never sleep? The body is going all the time?” I asked in confusion.
“Yep, and it’s so much more efficient that way. We take turns sleeping, so there is always somepony working on stuff.” Pinkie filled me in.
“And guess who usually gets the night shift?” Pinkamina asked, in a dry tone. “But I gotta admit, I get alot of planning done.”.
Spitting in the sink, Surprize continued. “I got up first, so I have been talking with Gummy. He filled me in on what’s going on in this crazy world.” She paused to gargle with mouthwash, and I found the pleasant minty burn to be refreshing. Spend time on a few medieval worlds, and you start to really appreciate the little things that modern society takes for granted. Like dental hygiene, and toilet paper. Oh god, how I missed toilet paper!
“So apparently there is no Twilight here, because there is no Princess Celestia. A thousand years ago, Nightmare Moon won, and banished her sister. Or Vaporized her. The history books are still not sure on that, she isn't telling...?” Shrugging, she made her way to the shower, and...
You know what? Let’s skip over that part.
Anyway, to sum it all up, Nightmare Moon declared herself Queen, and then immediately regretted it. Running a country alone was far more complex than she imagined, and with no daylight to grow crops, things started to fall apart. She restored the normal day and night cycle, and formed the republic to run the government, with herself as a figurehead Queen. She still had veto control over any laws passed, but the daily running of the government was done by the elected senate. She survived several attempts at assassination by the former nobles, until she went full nightmare and had them executed.
Now the rebels were few and far between, but believed to be behind the recent rash of pony disappearances. Curfews had been passed a few weeks earlier, and manhunts, err ponyhunts were under way to find the missing ponies, and bring the culprits to justice.
“Ahh, nothing like a nice shower to start the day!” Surprize sang out while she toweled off.
“Uhh, as enjoyable as that was, did you have to do all that while we had a guest onboard?” Pinkamina questioned irately.
“Well I didn't hear him complaining!” She giggled in response, as she finished drying.
“I’m pretty sure that’s because he’s currently hiding in the happy place. One of us is gonna have to snap him outta it.” Pinkie sighed. Yes, I was mentally sticking my fingers in my ears and humming to myself with my eyes closed after being mentally violated.
One mental slap later I was back from my little PTSD haven and shuddering. “I’ve seen some shit, man, but that. Don't ever do that again.”
“Aww, don't be such a prude! Everypony does it!” Surprize giggled again.
“Not gonna talk about it!” I mentally yelled. “What are we doing today?”
“Well first thing to do is get out and look around. Maybe we are here to solve the mystery of the disappearing ponies!” Pinkie took control as she led us out of the room. Downstairs, the bakery she lived in was just opening for business, and she waved to the owners as she trotted out the door. They just looked at her strangely, and shrugged.
“Trust me, that may seem like the thing to do, but it’s not. Every world has some crisis, some mystery, some event that I seem to be in just the right place to solve or fix, but every time I do, it ends badly.” Sighing inwardly, I continued. “We are not Fate’s messenger, we are not God’s avenging angel. We are just some unlucky schmuck that just missed getting stepped on by something bigger than we are, and we are better off keeping our heads down.”
“Aww, I was hoping for some grand adventure!” Pinkie replied, and was backed up by a bouncing Surprize. Pinkamina, ever the practical one, just rolled her eyes. She definitely understood.
“Oh don’t worry, no matter how hard we try, trouble will come find us. I just don't think we need to do it any favors by looking for it.” Mentally I crossed my arms and glared back at the current driver.
An hour later found us panting, after having a rather quick run from the authorities. I mentally sighed and looked around us where we had stopped after losing our persuit. The forest seemed rather gloomy, and the sky was unnaturally dark for the middle of the day.
“What did I tell you? Trouble always finds me, no matter what I do.” I grumbled as I plopped down to rest.
“Well how were we to know the local Pinkie had a restraining order barring her from the library? I don’t even know who that Moondancer pony is, anyway! I mean, what did we ever do to her, besides maybe try to throw her a party. And maybe sneak a kiss...” Surprize sighed and pouted. This received no sympathy from the rest of us.
“Well whatever it was it was bad enough for the guard to come after us. Ugh, where are we anyway?” I muttered, getting a better look at my surroundings. It kind of reminded me of Mirkwood.
“The Everfree Forest!” All three mares chorused at once.
“Oh. Okay.” I shrugged. “Bad place to be I take it?”
“Well it used to be much worse, but lately it just seems to be a convenient ploy for strange things to happen without having to explain their origins.” Pinkie explained. “We had some cool adventures here, but there are still a few scary critters deeper in.”
“Yes, but aside from the occasional timberwolf sighting, it’s mostly harmless now.” Pinkamina added.
“Oh well, if the script gods demand it, I guess we can go exploring until the heat in town dies down.” Getting to our hooves, I wandered along the path deeper into the creepy wood.
“What are script gods?” Pinkie asked.
“Old joke from home. Whenever something happened in a story that made no logical sense outside of moving the the story forward, we would just blame it on the script gods.” I shrugged. “Like, why would you walk into the obviously haunted house, instead of running away? Or why do people always call the name of the friend that disappeared when they hear a creepy noise, when they know it wasn't them? Script Gods.”
“Ooohhh... I don’t get it.” Pinkie shrugged.
Rolling my eyes I just chuckled. “Don't worry about it. It’s just a joke about bad writing.”
“So where are we going anyway?” I asked, as I ambled along an unmarked path. Paths usually led somewhere, sometimes good, sometimes bad.
“This is the path to the Castle of the Two Sisters.” Pinkamina piped in. “We defeated Nightmare Moon there. It was really creepy back then, but in our world, we’ve been cleaning it up.”
“It’s really cool for playing hide and seek, and it had this really awesome organ that does all sorta cool stuff if you hit the right buttons!” Surprize bounced around our head, getting more hyper as she talked. “It would be really cool to set up pranks for ponies that visit there, except ponies never visit there, other than my friends and Spike.”
“Ooh, we should totally go there and check out all the neat secret stuff since most of it is still there if Black Snooty never showed up and got harmonized into Princess Luna!” Pinkie joined in next, and I could feel a headache brewing, while Pinkamina rolled her eyes at the two.
It didn't take long to reach the bridge, or what was left of it. Only a few scary trees and the occasional threatening growl from deeper in the forest made the trip eventful. However, crossing the bridge was another matter.
“So now what?” I pondered. Looking across the strange chasm to the dilapidated castle on the other side, I could see no way to cross it without flying. The bottom of the rift was out of sight in the fog that filled it, but the twenty or so feet I could see through would be more than enough to do some serious damage if we fell.
“So now we hop over, and go inside.” Surprize answered.
“Really? You are forgetting that this body lacks wings, right?” I drolled.
“Silly Johnny, has that never stopped us before!” In my mind’s eye, I could see the white pegasus grinning, while Pinkamina made slicing motions with her hoof while shaking her head, as if warning me off.
“What?” I asked.
“You really don’t want to know. Honestly, even we aren’t entirely sure how she does it.” Pinkie responded, looking a bit disturbed herself.
“Just lemme take control, and we will be across that gap and throwing a party in the creepy castle in no time flat!” Releasing control, I felt the world fade a bit as Surprize grabbed the reins.
“Now what?” I asked the others.
“Ever been in freefall?” Pinkamina asked me, her voice even more subdued than normal, to which I mentally nodded. In addition to all my strange jumps, I had done some skydiving in my old life. “Well, hold onto your lunch, and don’t scream too loud.”
I didn't even have time to respond, as I heard Surprize giggle, and then blink. Yes, I heard her blink, like the closing of a screen door on my soul, as we were removed from one place, and then in another. A brief feeling of vertigo left me reeling, as I noticed the scenery had changed. In fact, I seemed to be looking across the chasm from the other side, as something pink waved back at us. Next came the most overwhelming feeling of deja vu as I realized that I was looking at ourselves on the other side, while we were standing on this side. Then the body I was in blinked, and it was gone, along with the strange feeling of being in two places at once.
“What the fuck just happened?” I would have vomited if I had been in control of the body. As it was, I had severe trouble focusing.
“Don’t ask. Don’t know. Don't wanna know.” I saw Pinkamina in the corner, legs wrapped around herself and eyes shut as she rocked back and forth like a trauma victim.
“I think it’s fun! It’s Surprize’s special talent. She can be anywhere she needs to be to surprise somepony, although she can’t always control it.” Pinkie sounded almost joyous, although the strain was still evident in her voice as well. “One time we got stuck in a flower vase for hours and had to wait for somepony to break us out. Our tail was cramped for days!”
“Is it over?” Pinkamina sounded almost scared, and it worried me that it was the first time she seemed to show genuine emotion.
“Yepperooni, it’s safe now ‘Mina!” Surprize giggled again and we moved forward toward the castle.
Those of us in the back seat were busy getting our heads back together, while the magical teleporting pony took us inside. The door was the usual thick wood with the extra creepy hinges that wailed like the souls of the damned. Inside, the shadows crawled along the walls and the chill of death flowed forth from the depths of the earth. Pretty standard haunted castle stuff. The only thing that was missing was the eerie chanting of some nefarious cult, trying to summon some eldritch abomination.
“Ooh, I think I hear singing!” Surprize gasped, correcting me. I listened, and indeed heard some creepy chanting, but in some language I couldn't recognize.
“God dammit! Why do I have to be right about this shit?” I griped. “I‘m pretty sure that isn't singing, and I’m also pretty damn sure that whatever it is will bring about some world ending horror if we don't somehow stop it.”
“Well then, what are we waiting for? Let’s stop it already!” Bouncing forward, Surprize took us deeper into the creepy ruins.
“No, trust me, this is very bad! There are things far worse than death, as I already proved to you.” I tried to take control and make us run away, but was easily dodged by the controlling consciousness.
“Maybe we should listen to him, Surprize. He kinda has experience with these sorta things.” Pinkie backed me up, for once playing the voice of reason.
“Nonsense, Poofy Pants! I bet if there is some stuffy old ceremony, then interrupting it will be the bestest prank of all time!” and into the depths we went.
We soon came to a grand hall with a strange sculpture in the center, and the source of the chanting. It looked like some strange stone orrery, with symbols carved into the stone “planets” around it. The ponies themselves were all dressed in deep hooded robes, with only snouts and the occasional horn visible. Luckily, they all had their attention on the sculpture, and didn't notice us enter the end of the hallway.
“My fellow ponies, the time has come!” One unicorn, a bit taller than the rest intoned, and the chanting stopped as all eyes turned to her. “The thousand year reign or the usurper will come to an end, and the Sun Queen will once again return to lead us into the light!”
“PRAISE THE SUN! PRAISE THE LIGHT!” The room shook with the combined shouts of the other ponies. Surprize was smart enough to duck us behind a pillar, and hide while we figured what was going on.
“For too long the false Princess,” The last word was spoken with such scorn that it seemed more an insult than a title. “...has sat her fat, bloated carcass upon the stolen throne of our beloved Sun Queen. But no more! Tonight we shall raise up her ancient champion to defeat the usurper, and bring about a glorious new age of light!”
“PRAISE THE SUN! PRAISE THE LIGHT!” the shout once again rang out.
Motioning to one of the other ponies, the leader took the offered book in her magic and set it on a small altar before the strange sculpture. Slowly she began to chant, followed by the others around the room. Those with horns started to cast as their horns glowed, while an answering glow from the orbs around the sculpture began to light the room. Each luminesced a different color, at first glowing on the outside, but quickly lighting up from within.
“Guys, I don’t think this is a party!” Surprize gasped in our head.
“You don't say?” I snarked back. “Now can we get the hell outta here before they finish summoning whatever it is?”
“Wait! I think I know this? Some of the words almost make sense!” Pinkamina leaned forward, trying to listen better. “I can make out one word in particular... Something about Lord Smooze?”
“What the hay is a smooze?” Pinkie asked. “Isn't that like when you get all super friendly with somepony you really don't like? Kinda like Rarity always does?”
“Different kind of smooze.” Pinkamina pulled Surprize back and took control as she explained. “Lord Smooze is some ancient mythical slime monster that once devoured the world. It supposedly wiped the old world of technology clean, leaving behind a dead planet. After it left, the forces of magic that had been dormant awoke, and created the word anew.”
“Wow, ‘Mina! You sound like Twilight when you talk like that.” Pinkie chipped in happily.
“Yeah well Somepony has to actually read all those books while Somepony else is trying to get close to Twilight without her noticing.” The darker pony snarked back.
“Well I didn't want her to think we were all stupid by just reading picture books!” Surprize retorted in defense.
I tried to interrupt, as even Pinkamina seemed too distracted to notice that all the orbs were now floating in a circle, and that a new one had suddenly appeared in the center. “Girls, something is happening!” Sadly, I went unnoticed.
“Why would they think that summoning some giant snot monster would be a good idea?” Pinkie exclaimed.
“Because most unicorns are stuck up, arrogant, and stupid. They probably thought ‘Cleansing Slime’ translated to ‘Cleansing Light’ or something. I mean, do you read ancient Unicornian?” Pinkamina argued back. “Not even Twilight is fluent, and she is the smartest pony we know!”
“For the love of god, shut the fuck up and run! No wonder all the smart nerds loved Doctor Who. At least he knew what to do in these situations!” I wrenched control from the trio, stunned by my profane outburst.
I paused a moment to see the entire array of glowing stones flash, as a rainbow hued portal formed, and a small blob of greenish purple sludge splattered to the floor. I stopped my departure as nothing seemed to happen right away. Turning to face the scene behind me, unsure if my panic was premature. As it landed on the floor, the sludge splattered, splashing several of the robed ponies, including the leader of the group, who flinched back in surprise before looking confused at the resulting mess. Several sniffed at the goo, and a few touched it, shaking their hooves in disgust.
“Well boss, that didn’t seem to do much.” Said one unicorn with a bit of a Jersey accent.
“Ya, Trix, that was like, totally lame. I got my best robe all filthy for nuttin!” Another spoke up, sounding a bit like a valley girl.
“A might anticlimactic, mates. Was expectin’ a bit more.” Muttered another.
“Yes. Well Trixie may have overestimated the power of the elements. But we can always try again tomorrow, while the moon is still full.” The lead mare wiped the goo from her robe, before bringing her hoof to her face to sniff the offending sludge.
That was when the screaming started.
In an instant, the scene went from british comedy, to american horror as the the sludge suddenly seemed to gain life, surging over the ponies it covered. The lead mare’s head vanished in a sudden splash of green, and her cloak slumped to the ground as it’s contents was dissolved like a popped balloon. The other ponies were quickly covered in the foul substance, as it flowed and splashed over everything organic, before flowing towards the center of the room and covering the strange sculpture. A few moments later, the formerly glowing stones were ejected one by one, left to roll lifelessly across the floor as the greenish purple mass of slime congealed into one massive puddle.
In less time than it takes to read the previous paragraph, I witnessed the entire room being stripped of life. Of the ponies that had performed the ritual, there was nothing left but the scattered robes, and the odd metal trinket, now floating away on top of the viscous ooze that had grown to cover the entire statue. Slowly a pair of jaundiced eyes seemed to form near the top, as a jagged and oozing semblance of a mouth opened in the center of the mass, pulling up at the corner to resemble a smile.
“Nothing Stops The Smoozzze!” the slow fluid noise escaped the confines of the central mass, sounding as much like a gas leak as something speaking.
And then suddenly the eyes turned to focus on me.
“MmmMMmmm... More FoOd!” the liquid voice hissed out.
“Oh. Fuck. Me.” I gasped out, before turning tail to bolt out of the room. I received no argument or help from the other three passengers as I ran for our respective lives while the room behind us exploded in a wet squelch.
“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, fuck on a fuck biscuit with a side of fuck sauce!” I panted as I tried my best to push the body I was in to it’s limits. My experience as a quadruped was somewhat limited, and this somewhat handicapped my ability as I made our escape. Unfortunately the three natives were in too much shock at watching an entire room full of their kinsmen being turned into mobile goo to lend me much help. Only my own experience in life threatening situations, as well as my natural sense of self preservation, kept us ahead of the surging death behind us.
The good news was that my quadrupedal form leant some speed and stamina to the fight, letting me quickly cover ground and pull ahead of my persuit. The bad news quickly manifested in the form of a large chasm, and the previously defunct bridge barring our escape.
“Oh for fucks sake!” I skidded to a halt, panting for breath as I looked across the deadly expanse. “White pony! Get your ass in gear!” I screamed aloud, as I mentally grabbed the pony in question and forced her in control. “Get us across the bridge!” I bellowed into our shared mind.
“W-what? I can’t! We can’t! We’re gonna di-hi-hie!” she managed to stammer out, falling to our knees and covering our head.
“She’s right! She can only use her talent when it's a surprise! It doesn't work on command.” Pinkamina yelled, just as panicked as the rest.
“Oh you gotta be fucking kidding me! She’s got a friggin TOON power?” I screamed back, acutely aware of the squelching noise growing louder behind us.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” The mare in control cried, sobbing desperately.
“Fuck this. Gimme the chair!” I mentally wrenched the sobbing pony into the back of my mind, and felt the world once again snap into focus as I assumed the lead role in our little mental circus.
“What are you gonna do?” Pinkie asked, mentally looking over my shoulder. I swear I could feel her hot breath on my neck as the mental pressure of her presence threatened to distract me.
“Dictate my own terms.” I grimly replied. Before any of the others could reply, I lept to our hooves, and bolted. In the blink of an eye, we had accelerated to incredible speeds, and headed back to the castle gate. I managed to skid on our hooves and spin around, aiming once again for the bridge, and sprinting again as fast as the body would carry us toward the edge. In another instant, the edge of the chasm was before us, and I tensed every muscle to leap, before soaring across the gap as graceful as any bird. As we floated weightless across the depths, time seemed to slow and I smiled. Even if we didn't make it, at least we died on our own terms, and not at the hands, or pseudopods, of our enemy. A pyrrhic victory, yes, but when you die as many times as I have, you learn to take what you can get.
“Buck!” was the sound I heard in my head, seemingly from all three mares as I snapped my eyes open again, and realized that we were just barely going to miss the gap. In fact, the impact on the far side of the wall was probably going to hurt like a bitch before we died.
Sadly, it was not the sudden impact that caused us to lose consciousness, but rather the sudden deceleration, as an indigo glow snapped around us and stopped our movement. I barely had an instant to realize that we weren't dead before the sudden acceleration shift caused us to black out for the second time in under a day.
