//------------------------------// // Chapter 1: Baking is Magic, Part 1 // Story: Life of Slice // by Twiface //------------------------------// This story is about the life of Slice the dragon, a gray-colored baby dragon who lived in the magical land of Bakequestria. Slice was born when his egg was hatched by Princess Cakelestia during her entrance exam to Princess Yeastrise Bakel’s School for Gifted Bakers. He then spent the next ten years or so of his life serving as Cakelestia’s assistant in her studies. It suited Slice very well, since Cakelestia didn’t really give him that much work, and Slice hated working. It seemed as though his entire life would be easy, ‘living the dream’ in the comfort and safety of the royal palace where he didn’t have to worry about anything except petty little first world problems. Then one day, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked Slice got the following letter from Princess Yeastrise: My dear Slice, there is more to a young dragon’s life than playing ‘vidya gaems’ and masturbating to Chinese cartoons, so I’m sending you to help Princess Cakelestia supervise preparations for the Summer Bake-Off and Oven Festival in Pnoyville. And, I have an even more essential task for you to complete: lose some weight make some friends! Sincerely, Princess Yeastrise Bakel. Slice now found himself riding in the back of Princess Yeastrise’s 2011 Cadillac CTS-V along with Princess Cakelestia and two royal guards. “Look on the bright side, Slice,” said Cakelestia encouragingly. “The Princess arranged for us to stay in a treehouse. Doesn’t that make you happy?” “No,” said Slice harshly. “Not unless the treehouse has a 72 inch flat screen TV with a 4K resolution and 9,000 megabit per second internet. Ha, I bet those plebs don’t even have HD!” “Then… will you lose wei-- i mean, make friends, like the Princess said?” asked Cakelestia. “She said to help you supervise preparations in Pnoyville. I am her student’s assistant, and I’ll do my duty, but the fate of Humgonia does not rest on me making friends.”   The 2011 Cadillac CTS-V pulled to a stop and the guard who wasn’t driving got out and opened the door for Cakelestia. The guard then went over to the other side of the car and opened the door for Slice to get out, but he refused to leave, so Cakelestia and the guard had to pull him out. “Thank you, sirs,” said Cakelestia to the guards. Slice gave a big huff. “Come on, Slice,” said Cakelestia. “Lighten up. We’re somewhere we’ve never been before. Isn’t this exciting?” “No,” said Slice. “This place is a shithole. Just look at it!” Cakelestia looked around. Pnoyville truly was a shithole, with the town proper consisting of little else besides a few rows of wooden shacks, a run-down gingerbread house, and a big gated mansion. It was pretty much Equal Town, but with more mud and horse poop in the streets. “Maybe the ponies in Pnoyville have interesting things to talk about,” said Cakelestia cheerfully. “Come on, Slice, just try!” Cakelestia pushed Slice in front of a perky pink earth pony with really fluffy hair. “Um… hello?” Slice said awkwardly. The pink pony jumped up in the air and made a prolonged gasp, then ran away as fast as she could. Just then they heard the rumbling of engines. A small motorcade approached, consisting of two black sixth generation Nissan Patrols in the front and the rear, and a 2015 Mercedes-Benz W221 in the middle, which blared patriotic music from a speaker on the roof. The motorcade drove up to Spike and Cakelestia, then it stopped and one of the windows rolled down. An earth pony mare with a pale, light grayish amber coat and a light cornflower bluish gray mane stuck her head out and examined the new arrivals. “GREETINGS, ROYAL ONES” said the mare. “I am President Imelda Remedios Visitacion Romualdez Indira Priyadarshini Gandhi Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton Cylvia Lynne Hayes Meghan McCarthy Ellen Pao Margaret Hilda Thatcher Yulia Tymoshenko Marecos, President-For-Life of Pnoyville, but you may call me ‘President Mare.’ I have heard you were coming and would like to be the first to welcome you to our humble town. Please, feel free to enjoy yourselves, but just don’t break any of the laws or else I’ll have to imprison you in my torture dungeon. I live in that fancy palace over there, you can’t miss it. Don’t be afraid to call if you need anything. Ta-taa!” The window rolled back up and the motorcade resumed its route through the city. “Well, that was interesting all right...” Cakelestia said in confusion. “Yeah, well, I’ve had enough for today,” said Slice as he started walking away. “See you back at the treehouse.” Cakelestia gave a disappointed sigh. It was the morning of the Summer Bake-Off and Oven Festival. All of the ponies were gathered in the town square of Pnoyville, which was really just a muddy field, which was now adorned with countertops and ovens and pots and pans and all sorts of kitchen utensils. One oven was larger than all the others, and it was placed atop a platform next to a giant baking pan full of dough. This oven was the oven with which Princess Yeastrise would bake the ceremonial first loaf, officially kicking off the Bake-Off.   The ponies were all excited to witness Princess Yeastrise raise the yeast. That pink pony from the day before was standing next to Slice (who Cakelestia had to drag out of bed) and chattering rapidly. “Isn’t this exciting?” asked the pink pony. “Are you excited, ‘cause I’m excited. I’ve never been so excited-- well, except for that time that I saw you walking into town and I went *gasp* but I mean really, who can top that?” Slice stuck an apple in her mouth to shut her up. Just then, President Mare’s motorcade arrived and several ponies in black suits and sunglasses got out of the sixth generation black Nissan Patrols. Then President Mare herself got out of the Mercedes-Benz, wearing an outfit that cost more than the real estate value of all of downtown Pnoyville. President Mare went up to the podium with the big oven on it and cleared her throat. “FILLIES AND GENTLECOLTS,” she boomed in a royal caps lock voice. “As president-for-life of Pnoyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Bake-Off and Oven Festival!” All of the ponies in town cheered, but not for the reason you’d expect. For you see, in Bakequestria, royalty really wasn’t all that respected, since everypony knew that the actual affairs of state were handled by various ministers. Nopony gave a flying feather about Princess Bakelestia visiting Pnoyville. Instead, all of these ponies were excited for the Bake-Off because they were all hungry and just wanted filling (,if not overpriced,) food. “In just a few moments,” continued the president, “Our town will witness the magic of the yeastrise, and celebrate this, the tastiest day of the year! And now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land, the very pony who gives us our breakfast and lunch each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of baked goods to all of Bakequestria… PRINCESS YEASTRISE BAKEL!” There was fanfare, but not the quality you’d expect for the introduction of royalty. Rather, it was more like the fanfare you’d get from a couple of high school freshmen at the end of their first week of marching band practice who all thought it was a good idea to get wasted some of their father’s cheap booze the night before. But nopony came. Everypony started chattering nervously in the background and getting worried that their princess would not show. Then suddenly an alicorn mare with a brown coat, browner eyes, and a mane even browner than that, jumped out from behind the oven. “Ha, ha! GOTCHA!” she harked. “Yes, it is I, Princess Yeastrise Bakel, bringer of breakfast and lunch! Oh, my beloved subjects, it’s been so long since I’ve seen your precious, little food-loving faces!” “Oooh, she’s good!” said the pink pony, before Slice shoved another apple in her mouth. “Does MY crown no longer count now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years?” asked a voice. Everypony looked around to see where the voice was coming from, but nopony could put a hoof on it. Then a mare with a pale, light grayish mulberry coat, moderate violet eyes, and a mane of moderate sapphire blue with moderate violet and brilliant rose streaks stuck her head out of the dough in the giant baking pan next to the oven. All of the ponies gasped. “Who the hay are you?” asked a random pony in the audience. “Did you not recall the legend?” asked the pony in the breadpan. Then she burst out of the breadpan, revealing herself to be an alicorn covered in dough who had a sparkling pancake for a cutie mark. “DID YOU NOT SEE THE SIGNS?” “I did,” said Cakelestia, stepping forward. “And I know who you are. You’re--” “Ooh, ooh, let me guess! Let me guess!” said the pink pony. “umm… Hokey Smokes! How about… Queen Meanie! No! Purple Snooty, Purple Snooty--” Slice shoved another apple into the pink pony’s mouth. “Thank you,” said the dough-covered Yeastrise. “You’re… Bacon Pancake!” said Cakelestia dramatically. Everypony gasped in horror. Except for Pancake, of course, who just cackled. “Ha ha ha ha ha, yes, it is I, Bacon Pancake!” said Bacon Pancake. ”Then you also know why I’m here?” “You’re here to… to….” trembled Cakelestia. Bacon Pancake snapped her finger-hooves and suddenly Princess Yeastrise disappeared with a flash of light. As the ponies gasped, Bacon Pancake just giggled maniacally. “Remember this morning, little ponies, for it was your last” said Bacon Pancake. “From this moment forth, THE BREAKFAST… WILL LAST… FOREVER!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!” Thunder roared from dark clouds. The same hungover high school freshmen who did the fanfare were now trying to play something epic, but were failing so miserably that not even the direction of Daniel Ingram could save them. A look of fear shot across Cakelestia’s face, and the face of everypony else in the crowd, but the focus was on Cakelestia’s face since nopony is supposed to care about the background ponies. It looked as though the chapter was about to end and the readers would be thrust into a commercial break... But suddenly, a colorful rainbow shot down from the sky and three ponies slid down it. The rainbow and the ponies landed on the stage, right in front of Bacon Pancake. “Halt, in the name of baking!” cried the first pony, a male unicorn with a light amber coat, moderate sap green eyes, and a moderate orange mane. He had a spherical tube of dough slathered in a pink sugary paste for a cutie mark. “Yeah, stop right there, criminal scum!” cried the second pony, a male pegasus with a very pale cornflower blue coat, moderate emerald green eyes, and a dark grayish phthalo blue mane. He had a cutie mark of a bolt of electrical energy that must have drank some Redbull because it had wings. The third pony, a pegasus mare with a light sapphire bluish gray coat, a pale, light grayish apple green mane, and eyes which shone from a gradient of pale, light grayish apple green to moderate gamboge (they were yellow-ish), and a cuite mark consisting of seven transparent spheres of various sizes,  began to sing: “My little pony, my little pony, isn’t the world a lovely place? My little pony, my little pony, everywhere you go, a smiling face! Smiling and skipping, merrily tripping, watching the morning un--” Slice climbed onto the stage and shoved an apple in her mouth, silencing her. During her song, Cakelestia and the pink pony, acting as if they were actors who had missed their cue, had hurriedly gone onto the stage and took their places beside the three ponies from the rainbow, pretending as if they had slid down from the rainbow too. “You’ll never get away with this, Bacon Pancake!” said Cakelestia. “For we are the bearers of the Elements of-- hey, where’s Gilda?” A griffon with a coat of moderate gamboge, wings of a darker moderate gamboge, a head of white feathers, light brilliant amber eyes, and talons of brilliant gold lumbered onto the stage. She had no cutie mark since griffons don’t have cutie marks. “Seriously guys?” she asked. “Why did it have to be this early? 6 AM? Really?” “Because that’s when the Bake-Off starts!” said the pink pony through gritted teeth. “It’s tradition!” “Yeah? Well, it’s a stupid tradition,” said the griffon. “Couldn’t it just be an hour later so we can all get more sleep?” There were several murmurs of agreement. Somepony proposed making a petition to Princess Yeastrise to change the hour of the start of the Bake-Off, which was met with more murmurs of agreement. Somepony ran off to go get paper and quills.   “SILENCE!!!” boomed Bacon Pancake. “Your little princess is not here right now, and there is nothing you can do about it! With the princess gone, all of Bakequestria will bow to my will!” Just then, storm clouds and lightning filled the sky. At first everypony thought that Bacon Pancake did it for dramatic effect, but then a bunch of green dragons flew down from the sky. “Ahhhh! It’s the Stratadons!” cried a pony. “Stratadons?” shrieked another. As the dragons came closer, the townsponies all ran away screaming and seeking shelter… well, most of them. A few of the braver ones stuck around to see what would happen next, and a few of them whipped out cell phones and began recording. During the commotion, the dragons swooped down and snatched up four ponies: a pink pony, a yellow pony with a blue mane, a light yellowish gray unicorn with a brilliant amaranth mane with streaks of moderate purple and grayish violet, and a small purple filly. One of the dragons was being ridden by a gargoyle with moderate orange fur. Upon capturing the four ponies, the gargoyle declared, “You are all doomed! Soon everypony will belong to Teawreck, the master of the Castle of Darkness!” Then the dragons all flew away and the clouds dissipated. The ponies who were still in the square, realizing that all the action was over, started packing up and heading home. President Mare and her entourage got back in their motorcade and returned to her palace. The six element bearers had a team huddle, then ran off towards the Castle of Darkness to save the four captured ponies. Slice and Bacon Pancake just stood there, dumbfounded at all that had happened. Then, once everypony had left except for Slice and Bacon Pancake and a few random janitor ponies who had emerged from the shadows to clean the square of litter and festival debris. “Wha- what?” asked Bacon Pancake. “Where did everypony go? This isn’t over, you know! I still have Princess Yeastrise in my captivity, and I’m going to serve eternal breakfast, and, and--” “Yeah, yeah, nopony cares,” said Slice. “It’s not like anypony actually respected Princess Yeastrise or anything. And besides, those Stratadons made a much scarier entrance.” “Well then,” said Bacon Pancake. “I just may have to change my plans a little bit to make them more… scary!” “Ha! You wish!” said Slice. “Teawreck’s obviously a better villain than you!” “We’ll see about that,” said Bacon Pancake. “He may have made a more spectacular entrance, but soon the ponies will realize just how bad I will make their lives! HAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” “Yeah, whatever,” said Slice. “I’m going back to the treehouse to play COD.” To be continued...