The rest of the school year went by more speedily than I would’ve imagined, as if time had suddenly decided to speed ahead and close out the year early; most of it was a blur, an unpleasant jumble of emotions and tired memories that bogged us down in apathy and exhaustion. Not a good thing to be if you have end-of-year exams to complete.
I ended up getting the job at Sweet Apple Acres, thanks to Applejack. She and her brother put me to work the moment I was hired, that very Saturday, feeding livestock and throwing around supplies. It was hard work, harder than I’d ever imagined. Applejack’s whole family –Big Mac, Granny Smith, and her little sister Apple Bloom- had an all-hands job, I was amazed they had enough time in their schedule for school and work, though AJ later told me that they usually had more hired hands during the warmer weather. Altogether, it was a good job, the pay was fair, and the Apples were good folks to work with. Big Mac said a little more around the farm than he did at school, but I could still go through an entire day working with him and not hear a word longer than two syllables.
As for school itself, the rest of the year was tremendously uncomfortable, thanks to cold weather blues and… social difficulties, to put it lightly. Sunset and I’s tutoring sessions, which had been fairly fun and relaxing for the first few weeks, had become awkward and fairly muted. It wasn’t that we disliked each other or we were mad- it was as if something was in the way of us connecting, blocking us from getting along.
And if I was willing to guess, that something was Rainbow Dash, who had become as cold and unfriendly as I’d ever seen her. She wasn’t spiteful, she wasn’t mean or anything that I would’ve expected from someone. Instead, she just shut down. She was either unable or unwilling to really interact with the rest of us, more or less becoming a multi-colored stone in our midst. Well, with everyone else. She spewed venom at me.
“You should try talking with her,” Rarity advised to me one day near the start of December. “She’s hurt and she just doesn’t know how to deal with that kind of disappointment.”
“She won’t let me talk to her!” I explained stubbornly, reminding the diva of my persistent problem. “Whenever I try to say something she just ups and leaves. I can’t work with that!”
“I don’t know what to tell you to do, dear,” Rarity replied. “But you’re the only one that can fix it, so you’ll just have to find a way to make it happen.”
“Oh, that’s great advice, wonderful,” I remarked. “That solves everything- make it happen!”
“I truly am sorry for your predicament, dear, and I wish I could help more,” she replied disdainfully. “And I don’t appreciate sarcasm.”
I gave a sigh of frustration, wringing my hands together. Rarity was super nice and really helpful, but her pride and high-society manners often put us at odds in a conversation. “Look, you- I’m trying to do the best I can here, I promise,” I said wearily. “It’s just been going on a while and I’m sick of it.”
“I understand,” Rarity said graciously. “But please, for the sake of our friends as well as yourself, take care of this now before it gets out of hand.”
All the while, I was ignoring one very big fact that Flash Sentry hadn’t been dealt with. I knew next to nothing about his relationship with Sunset before I had come to school, so I had nothing to go on. It seemed like nobody really liked to talk about it and there was no way I could just ask Sunset about it. If I was really honest, I wanted to talk to Flash first. I kept coming up with ideas of intimidating him or forcing it out of him, but they were ludicrous and unrealistic. I needed something better, but I needed more time.
I wished it was that easy, but with exams coming up, I had little time on my schedule to focus on anything but work and school. If I wasn’t at Sweet Apple Acres working for the Apples, I was at home studying for exams. I was fairly certain that my English and Math scores would be good, thanks to my affinity for math and Sunset’s help, but physics and history continued to be difficult. They needed all the time I could offer them.
Throughout the school, the other students were all dreaming of the winter break- three weeks of uninterrupted relaxation, and a chance to enjoy the holidays. After all the fun and hubbub of the semester, particularly with that of Sunset’s escapades, I think students were more eager for the break than usual.
But for us West Enders, the holidays is just another reminder of what we’re not: not normal, not complete, not a part of normal society. If holidays were supposed to be about family and togetherness, I couldn’t see it. No peace on Earth in a world that’s trying to kill everyone who doesn’t fall in line. Mom and I usually just celebrated by spending some time together, but this year I was hoping to get her an actual gift with some of the money I’d earned at the farm. She deserved it after all the crap I’d given her. Maybe, for the first time in my life, I’d be able to make it a decent Christmas.
Two weeks left and exams were on their way. Things hadn’t been patched up, no comfort with Sunset again, and no end in sight. Stress was starting to get the better of me, as I became snappish and edgy during the day. I don’t think they all knew, but a few knew why. AJ and Rarity just kept quiet about the whole thing. Sunset still could barely talk to me, Rainbow still refused to. I was going to lose my mind if I didn’t get this taken care of soon.
So, being practical and thoughtful of my health, I decided to just be unpleasant about it. I was leaving school for home and I saw Rainbow walking a short distance ahead, unaware I was somewhere behind her. I mulled over what options I had at the moment which, unfortunately, there weren’t many. As much as I was unwilling to admit it, it was looking more and more like Rarity’s advice for making it happen was going to have to be the solution. Deciding I might as well get it over with, I snuck up behind her and grabbed her as tight as I could, jostling her and leading her away down the road and towards a nearby park.
“Hey, what gives- get offa me!” Rainbow protested, trying to pry my hands off her shoulders, even going so far as trying to lash out and take a bite out of my fingers.
“Oh no, you and I are getting this settled,” I said viciously. “Today, right now, are we clear?”
“No we are not, now get your filthy hands off of me before I cry rape!” she spat.
“You’re not gonna do that,” I said. “No one with any sense would think you’d do that.”
“Yeah? Well watch me!” she retorted.
“I’d hear you say it, not watch you.”
“Oh just get off!” she said loudly, finally prying me off and following up with a good punch across my cheek.
I backed away, rubbing the spot where she’d hit me. “That was a clean jab,” I remarked angrily, nursing what I was certain was going to become a bruise. “But that doesn’t solve anything yet.”
“Makes me feel better.”
“Can we start there, then?” Her eyes bored right into mine, daring me to speak another word. “Come on, walk with me. You and I were gonna have it out at some point anyway. Best we just get it done.”
Rainbow didn’t say a word, standing there for a moment before walking down the sidewalk. “Well? You coming or what?”
I fell in step beside her, wondering what I should do now that my ludicrous plan had actually succeeded. I’d been thinking so much about getting her to talk to me that now that it was done, I had no clue what I had to say. Or what I even should say.
“You’re pathetic, you know that?” Rainbow snorted. “You just go around being a complete and total jerk to people, not caring at all about how they’re gonna feel when you’re done. You’re unbelievable.”
“Uh-huh,” I remarked coldly. I was beginning to get an idea about how I was going to pull this out of her, but it required me to be far smarter than I would’ve cared to be. Being normal was way more fun.
“That’s the best you can manage? ‘Uh-huh’? That’s all you’re gonna say in your defense?”
“I don’t need to defend myself,” I replied. “You and I know that you’re not mad about how I treat people. I barely talk to them.”
“You talk to me,” she countered. “Me and AJ and Sunset and the others. None of them even like you, they can’t stand you! I don’t like you- not one bit!”
“If that was true then you wouldn’t be angry at me,” I responded coldly. “Come on, just get it out and say it already!”
“Say what?”
“Say what you really feel about me- I know it and so does everyone else, so stop being a coward and get it done.”
“I am not a coward!” Rainbow replied, practically spitting in fury. “And I already told you, I can’t stand you, I think I even hate you!”
“Liar,” I sneered. “You’re gutless.”
“You unbelievable, unlikeable, unthinkably piece of garbage-”
“Now we’re getting somewhere. Come on, already! Spit it out, girl!” I snarled.
Rainbow turned and gave me such a forceful shove that I lost balance and went sprawling into the mud, feeling the brutal cold seep into my clothes. Above me towered a prism of rage so violent that I was shocked she didn’t start beating me to a pulp. Instead, Rainbow burst into tears of anger and started screaming at me. “You are so unbelievable!” she yelled, ignoring the fact that passersby on the other side of the road were starting to stare. “You think you can do whatever you want and get whatever you want, don’t you!? Well guess what, I like you, alright?! I liked you because you were strong and tough and because I thought that beneath all of that crap was someone who was pretty cool! But now I know better because you’re nothing but a massive sleazebag who messes with other people’s feelings for kicks. You make me sick.”
“Rainbow, I didn’t want to do any of that to you, I swear-” I started to stammer.
“SHUT UP!” she shrieked. “You always try to just get the argument and done over with instantly, you treat it like it’s some stupid boxing match and you just want to get it finished! You don’t even think about the person’s feelings, only yours! You don’t think about a single thing you say, that maybe it’s gonna hurt someone and make them feel bad! But all you care about is just getting it wrapped up so you can move on with your life!”
“Am- am I that pathetic?” I asked weakly.
“You’re worse,” she said venomously. “You act all cool and tough when you’re nothing but a pathetic little weakling who doesn’t fit in and you put people down so you can take their place. You’re worse than an egghead, you’re a- a- there’s not even a word for people like you!” She didn’t storm off, she didn’t attack me, she didn’t even do anything but look away and stand there, rigid as stone.
Gingerly as I could, I got to off my soaked rear and wrapped my hand around hers. She threw me off, taking a swipe at me. “Rainbow, please talk to me,” I asked softly.
“You’re not worth talking to, you thug,” she said bitterly. “I don’t know why I even liked you. I always knew what you really were.”
“Rainbow,” I said, “please let me speak. I don’t want things to be like this. Will you please talk to me?” I took a seat there on the path, pulling a trembling Rainbow Dash down beside me. “Rainbow, I’m sorry for all the stuff I said,” I said calmly. “I didn’t mean a word of it and it was a lame way to get you to confess. I’m sorry.”
“You should be,” she snarled wetly. “You didn’t even see me as a real person-”
“I saw you as my friend,” I replied. “We just got along so well I didn’t think much of it. I promise I wasn’t trying to do anything to you, I promise.”
She twitched but remained where she was, aloof and distant to me. I was beginning to worry that I’d lost my friend for good, that what I’d done was unforgiveable to her.
“Rainbow… I didn’t even realize you liked me,” I confessed. “I thought we were just really good friends and that we got along really well and that was the end of it. When I was hurting you or making jokes about you and me, it was never with the thought of putting you down, it was just me being an oblivious idiot. I swear, that’s 100% the truth.”
“Why not me?” she asked coldly. “I’m THE Rainbow Dash, I’m awesome and amazing and great to look at. What was so wrong with me?”
“I- Rainbow, that’s not a fair question to answer,” I said. “I don’t know why I’m not attracted to you, I don’t always know why I like Sunset. But it’s not something wrong about you, I promise. It- I just don’t know.”
Rainbow sat there motionless for so long I wondered if she’d even heard a word I said. Then, after what felt like an eternity, she gave a long sigh and replied, “I believe you. It’s just… I really liked you,” she added in a tiny voice. “You were able to match me pound for pound, and we were so alike that I hoped… it doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter,” I insisted. “Your feelings matter. I just wasn’t thinking or paying attention and I ended up hurting them. I’m really sorry.”
Rainbow finally turned to look at me, more morose than a basset hound. “You don’t like me back, do you? I know you don’t but I need to just hear it. Can you give me that?”
I was on the hot seat. Our friendship probably depended on how I worded this. “Rainbow, you’re awesome,” I said slowly, mulling over every word before I spoke. “You’re strong and brave and loyal and there’s no one like you. You and I get along really well and I like having a good time with you. But that’s all I think of when I think of you. You’re a great friend and super awesome, but… no. I don’t.”
Rainbow curled up in a ball for a few moments, stretched, and got to her feet. “It’s OK, I understand,” she replied hollowly. “It was a long shot, anyway. No one ever really paid much attention to me with Fluttershy and Rarity around, and with Sunset it’ll eventually just become the same thing.”
I didn’t think that was a fair statement. “Hey, you’re amazing!” I protested indignantly. “Don’t put yourself down like that, you’re Rainbow Dash! 20% cooler than all of Canterlot High put together, right? Someone’s gonna come down the line who’s gonna go nuts for a girl like you!”
“Yeah?” she said dully. “Who’s gonna pay attention to the jock when there’s a fashion model and a nature girl beside you every day of your life? No one, that’s who. It’s not fair! I’m… I’m pretty, too,” she added in a very small whisper.
We sat there in the middle of the sidewalk for a few minutes, simply letting the silence fill the void. I didn’t know what to say, and Rainbow didn’t seem to want to say anything else. I hadn’t really realized –and maybe none of us had- at just how bitter she was at being passed over again and again. Eventually, I just inched over beside her and put my arm around her, giving her an assuring squeeze.
“You willing to listen to me for a bit?” I asked. She gave a small, hollow nod and I said, “Rainbow, you’re my friend. You’re Rarity’s friend, Sunset’s friend, Fluttershy’s friend, Pinkie Pie’s and AJ’s friend. I don’t feel the same way you do about me, but you’re awesome and we all think so- we know so. You’re a gorgeous gal and it’s… it’s only a matter of time before someone comes along.”
“You really think so?” Rainbow Dash asked skeptically.
I smirked at her, eyebrows raised in surprise. “People not loving and wanting THE Rainbow “Danger” Dash? I’d be shocked.”
Rainbow considered my words for a moment, a finger to her pursed lips. She stood there impassive as I waited and waited… then she gave a giggle. A smile, albeit a small one, crept back into sight as she began to laugh softly. “Yeah, who wouldn’t want THE Rainbow Dash?” she said, regaining some of her usual pride. “It’ll just be if they can handle me!”
“Can anyone really handle you?” I asked.
She gave another laugh, a real one, this time. “Fine, you win,” she said, walking over and putting her arms around me in a tight hug. “Thanks for trying to cheer me up, I appreciate it. And I understand if you don’t feel the same way.”
“Thanks, Rainbow,” I said. “Can we be friends again? I want my sparring partner back, if you don’t mind.” I outstretched a fist for her to bump, and she gave me a gentle knock across the knuckles. She wasn’t back to normal, but she was on her way.
“Deal,” she said. “And all that stuff about the others- they don’t hate you and I don’t hate you. We all care a lot about you and we’re real glad that you started coming to school with us. It wouldn’t be the same without you.”
It was my turn to be touched. I lost my train of thought for a moment and I struggled to come up with words to say. “Th-thanks, Rainbow,” I stammered. “That means a lot. Especially from you.”
“No problem,” she said, taking her hair and putting it back in her usual ponytail. “I guess all of this was pretty silly, huh?”
“Nah, it’s fine,” I said coolly. “Everyone has their moments.”
Rainbow gave me a curious look. “What’re you gonna do about Sunset?” she asked. “I’ll admit she hasn’t said a whole lot about you lately. I don’t know how she feels about you.”
I could feel the stress leaving and the old butterflies coming back once more, filling me with a nervous energy. “Well, I’ll just have to find out the old-fashioned way,” I said breathlessly. “I’ll live.”
“Yeah, I guess you will,” Rainbow said. “Just don’t be too much of a nerd, alright?”
“Whatever the Dash wants,” I said compliantly.
We left our little section of road and went our separate ways, she back to her home in the north end and I back to the west. It hadn’t been fun, it hadn’t been easy, but my friend and I were a fighting team of two again. And I was glad.
The final week of school was a different kind of stress than what I’d encountered before, what with the pressure of work and actually performing on my tests starting to overload me. But help came in the unexpected form of Sunset Shimmer. I had just gotten into school and was throwing some stuff in my locker when I noticed she had sidled up to me in the halls.
“The test is today,” she said quietly. “For English, I mean. Have you been studying hard like I suggested?”
“Every day for at least an hour,” I replied back.
“That’s good, you should do fine,” she said. “Hey… you look really nervous- you need to relax, this anxiety won’t help you.”
Oh, I was nervous about the test, that was true. But if I was honest, I was way more anxious about not screwing this conversation up.
“Relax, alright?” she said, giving my arm a comforting squeeze. “You’ll do fine, I know you will! Just think and keep your cool, you’ll get it done.”
I gave her a smile. “Whatever you say,” I replied. “And Sunset… thanks for the help, I really appreciate it. I would’ve failed this class already if you hadn’t thrown me a bone.”
She gave me an odd look, one I couldn’t quite decipher, followed by a shy smile. “Sure, no problem,” she replied. “I’ll see you there?”
“Huh? Oh yeah, we need to go,” I said, following in step beside her. I kept throwing around for something to say before I finally landed on, “So, how’ve you been? I haven’t seen you much lately.”
“Yeah, I’ve been busy,” she replied. “School’s been eating up my time a lot.”
“Yeah, same here,” I said. I silently thanked heaven that there were no marks for bad conversationalists, I sucked at making small-talk. I looked up and saw Rainbow Dash heading our way, too busy to stop and say hello but reached out her hand for a high-five that I instinctively met with my own.
“You and Rainbow are on speaking terms again?” Sunset asked.
“Yeah, we finally got all that bull sorted out,” I said jauntily. “We’re good and tight, just as we should be.”
“That’s great, I’m happy for you two,” she replied hollowly. Almost immediately, she sped up and started walking away from me.
“You two..?” I echoed. “Hey, wait a sec-” Oh jeez, she thought we’d hooked up! I was beginning to wonder if I was incapable of fixing social issues without senseless violence, as every time I’d tried to fix things with my friends here it’d usually ended in disaster.
I went to English and I was fairly certain I passed the test. I was just glad it wasn’t a test on how to talk to girls.
And it only kept getting better. We were sitting in our usual place at lunch, most of us going over notes and scratchwork for exams. I kept glancing up at Sunset to see what she was doing, but just like the rest of us: piles of papers. But then again, was I imagining her occasionally glancing up at me to see what I was doing? I was in my usual place next to Fluttershy at the edge of the table, and Rainbow in hers next to Rarity. Did she still sincerely believe we were a thing?
“Ugh, I hate this stuff! It’s so boring!” Rainbow groaned, throwing her notes across the table and watching them fly up into the air. “We’re so close, can’t we just be done already? I want to enjoy my winter, not sit around being an egghead!”
To my great surprise, Applejack gave a sanctimonious nod. “Everyone’s wound up too tight, we all need a break,” she said. “What if we all went over to Sweet Apple Acres this weekend? Take some time to just have a big end-of-year party?”
While the rest of the gang agreed heartily (Sunset, always the reserved one, agreed far more quietly), I was horrified. This weekend? THIS weekend, really? I needed a way out, some way of not having to be around people the same day I’d be visiting-
“Well, you coming or what?” AJ asked me, peering over at me. “Or does someone in particular have a hold o’ your attention at the moment?” she added with a cheeky grin.
The honest answer was yes, but there was no way I was admitting that. “You said this weekend, right?” I asked. “I don’t know if I can make it, sorry. I think I’ll be busy.”
“Well that’s a bummer, what’ll you be busy with?” she inquired.
I paused. “Stuff,” I answered hesitantly. “I’ll be with Mom.”
“Can’t you come, even for a little bit?” Rarity asked. “How long do you think you’ll be?”
Far too many eyes on me for my liking, but there was no way of getting out of this one. I had to give somewhat of an honest answer. “Probably till around three or four,” I sighed.
“Well there’s no reason you can’t make it,” AJ said cheerfully. “Ah’ll see you there, alright? None of y’all need to worry about bringing food or nothin- we’ll take care of that for ya.”
“Ya, great,” I muttered under my breath as the others gave cries of delight. “Just what I was hoping to do with my weekend.” I kept quiet the rest of the day, speaking only when necessary. I think Applejack was on the verge of asking what was wrong, but kept deciding against it. I didn’t want to explain, anyway; none of them could understand what it was like.
As I left school that day, I paused at the turn that would take me back home. I still had plenty of time left in my schedule for today, and I didn’t want to go home and get studying yet. I had a fair amount of cash sitting in my freshly created bank account, and with Christmas coming up, I really wanted to get Mom something nice. The mall was nearby, if I could just find something decent, it’d really make up for what’s usually a lousy holiday for the two of us.
I decided to give it a shot. No easy task for when I got in: store upon store upon store lay spread out before me and I had no clue where to begin. Too many choices, too many brand selections, and probably nowhere near enough time. How was I supposed to do this?
“Come on, think a little,” I grumbled. “Relax a bit, what would Mom want?” She wouldn’t want something expensive, I assured myself. Ever since I’d gotten the job at Sweet Apple Acres, she always worried over me and my expenses, saying I needed to keep track over my spending. If I got something big and glamorous, she’d be too worried to enjoy it. But I didn’t want to be cheap either, so I needed a gift that was somewhere in between. My mind flickered back to home; she typically liked stuff that reminded her of home, since she was an immigrant. Maybe something that was similar to that was what I needed.
I set off through the store, looking around for something Hispanic that she’d like. I kept coming across a bunch of stuff, but nothing that suited my preferences- or Mom’s. I also noticed I was getting funny looks from various clerks and security staff wherever I walked. I felt a twinge of annoyance when I noticed some security guy on a Segway was following me through the mall for a couple of minutes when I left a shop with my hands in my pockets. Now I remembered why I disliked going to public places, the judgmental attitudes were hard to miss.
I paused outside a store when I caught sight of something- Mexican styled clothing? I walked in and saw a fairly nice-looking mini-dress that looked similar in style to what Mom usually wore when she wasn’t working. It looked good, but I wasn’t sure what size Mom was and I wasn’t going to ask because I wanted to live. If I could find something similar, something where I wouldn’t have to be awkward about it, then I’d have hit the jackpot. If only there was…
“Yes!” I exclaimed softly, looking across the section and seeing a nice necklace hanging in a case. “That’s it right friggin’ there, I’ll bet.” I looked down at the necklace- multicolored beads and stones ringed together, she had a bracelet a lot like it. I peered for a price tag and saw one that said $34.99. I gave a grin of satisfaction. I’d done it. Buying that gift was a moment of immense pleasure, knowing it was the first genuine gift I’d gotten Mom in a long time. It felt good knowing that it’d make her happy.
“Hey, what’re you doing here?” said a friendly voice as I walked out of the store. I looked over and saw Sunset looking at me, the usual uncertain smile playing across her features.
“Hey!” I responded, perhaps a little too enthusiastically. “Just getting a Christmas present for my Mom. With all my work I’ve been doing I really wanted to get her something.”
“That’s super sweet of you, what’d you get her?” she asked, unknowingly melting me. We started talking for a few minutes, falling back into the same old banter and ease we’d had with each other until just recently. We were fine here, away from the others, but why were we so awkward at school?
“So, how’re you and Rainbow doing?” Sunset asked slowly, turning back to a rack of clothes.
That’s why. I shrugged, saying, “I’m fine, I guess, just want school to be done. As to how Rainbow’s doing, I don’t know. You’ll have to ask her yourself.”
Sunset gave me a puzzled look but said nothing. I was hoping she interpreted that correctly, that she realized I was still single. If she did, she didn’t say so. “Hey, at lunch today,” she remarked, “what were you so worried about when it came to this weekend?”
“Oh, just, uh…” I faltered. “Just somethin’ private, that’s all. Not easy to talk about.”
“You OK?” she asked.
“Hmm? Yeah, I think so. I’ll be fine.”
“You sure?” she asked, looking right at me. I loved it when she did that, letting me see those soft eyes of hers. The anger and fire that had burned in them for so long was gone, but she always had a tinge of sadness in them like she carried her guilt and shame with her wherever she’d go. It was such a pity to see such beautiful, bright eyes be so worn down when she was so kind to everyone she met-
“Umm… that’s not a great response, you know,” she said, and I found I had yet again slipped into an inner monologue. I awoke to the rest of the world and she was right before me, peering at me worryingly. “You really need to stop spacing out, it freaks me out.”
“Yeah! Yeah, sorry,” I stammered embarrassedly. “No, I’ll be fine, I’m sure.”
“Hmm…” she wasn’t convinced, but she gave a shrug and moved on. “Say, I need your opinion on something,” she said lightly.
“Yeah, what’cha need?”
“Well, I was thinking of buying this dress, but I’m not really sure how it looks on me,” she replied, whirling around the outfit and placing it before her. “Can you give me an idea here? How would you think it’d look on me?”
Oh jeez. The outfit was a soft, three-layered mini-dress that went down to just above the knee, the coloring matching the colors of her hair, held together at the top by a simple black strap. It wasn’t elegant or expensive, but seeing it drape across her like that, without her even needing to put it on, I was crushed. She was unbelievably, indescribably lovely and she didn’t even realize she’d essentially put me into a coma. I opened my mouth and tried to speak and got nothing. I was stuck!
“You don’t like it,” she said flatly, immediately looking downcast. “It was as if she’d suddenly shrunk half her size in a few seconds, all the life fleeing her and leaving a shell behind.
Holy crap, she thinks you hate it. Fix this, fix this, fix this! I silently screamed, desperate to bring this back to normal before I totally ruined the best chance I’d had at making her happy in weeks. Instead, a strange moaning sound came out that sounded like a wounded puppy trying to get attention. I felt cold sweat dripping down my back and my foot was starting to tap on the tile floor.
“Well, if it’s no any good, I’ll just look for something else,” Sunset said faintly, putting the beautiful mini-dress back on the rack. “Thanks for warning me, at least. The last thing I need is to give another reason for people to hate me.
No one could hate her as much as I hated myself in that moment. I gave a groan of sheer agony and fled the scene as quick as I could, knowing I probably looked like a complete idiot. I found the nearest bench and promptly collapsed upon it, cursing myself for every stupid fiber that existed in my brain. I had utterly ruined everything.
I felt a breeze push past me and I opened my eyes to see- leather jacket. Blue jeans, blue hair- Holy crap, I’d been so worked up with Rainbow Dash and the rest of school’s bullcrap I’d forgotten about Flash! I got up so quickly that I was half-expecting to break the bench, my eyes locked on his movements as he- Oh sweet holy Hell, he went right into the store where Sunset Shimmer was. This was it, all the pussyfooting and dillydallying I’d done in regards to Flash was about to come to a head and show what I was really dealing with, I was so screwed- what if she still liked him? What if he liked her? I wasn’t competition for that, I’d be screwed! I was doomed, doomed, doom-
Flash walked past Sunset and into the store, ignoring her presence. Sunset glanced up at the movement, saw Flash, and immediately went out of the store as quickly as she could, her head hung in shame.
I was so taken aback I went slack-jawed. What had just happened? He’d ignored her and she was ashamed at the sight of him about something or other. That didn’t seem like they were on good terms at all. In fact, I wondered if they’d ever been on good terms. Hmm…
I think I’d been had by a playful fashionista.
When I went to school the next day, I ignored my locker and went straight for Rarity’s halfway across the building, hoping I’d catch her before she went to her last final. Sure enough, there she was mulling over her sketchbook where she kept track of her designs and ideas. So occupied was she that she didn’t even notice I was there until my shadow crept over her book.
“Yes?” she asked innocently. “Doesn’t your last final start soon?”
“What happened with Sunset and Flash?” I demanded. “I think you’re not telling me something.”
Rarity gave a giggle and said, “Well, the two were certainly the hot couple for a while. But it wasn’t really a relationship, Sunset said she was only using him to have a hold of the school. A nice boy like Flash certainly made it easy for her- is something wrong?”
I was pummeling a locker so violently I was beginning to leave dents, huffing and puffing that I half-expected to have steam start pouring out of my ears. I was absolutely, unequivocally, totally enraged beyond anything I could have expected from myself. “Why- did- you- do that to me?” I snarled, indenting each word with another punch of the locker. “Do you not realize- do you have any idea-EERGGHH!”
“Well, I knew you certainly fancied Sunset,” she admitted. “I told you they’d been together because I wanted to see how you’d react, what you’d do. I hope I didn’t make things too hard for you.”
“Too hard for me?!” I asked incredulously, my voice starting to hit an octave usually reserved for calling dogs. “Rarity, I’ve been dealing with Rainbow Dash, finals and not freaking out about Sunset for weeks on end and you hope it wasn’t too hard?! I- I- Oh, JEEZ, I need to talk to Sunset- right now!”
Rarity observed me as I went on my little tantrum, looking torn between amusement and exasperation. “Well, I certainly didn’t think you’d take it that hard, dear, I didn’t mean to- wait, you can’t just go off like that!”
“Why not? I got to get this taken care of!”
“Exams, remember?”
She was right. “F*ck!”
“Rude” she hissed.
“Oh, f*ck you’re right- OH COME ON, THIS IS HARD!” I shrieked, completely exasperated and far too tired for this early in the morning. This week had been Hell.
“Please, try to calm yourself down,” she chided. “You’re acting like you have no self-control.”
“I’m a little angry right now, give me that!”
“Just calm down, I already apologized,” Rarity pressed. “People are beginning to stare, you need to relax.”
I gave a growl and stalked off to my last class, intent on forgetting this semester as quickly as possible.
Saturday came with snow and the coldest weather we’d had so far. I was supposed to be going over to Applejack’s place that evening for the end of school party. I would’ve been looking forward to it if it weren’t for one small barrier, one I was hoping I could get around.
“I said no,” Mom insisted, throwing my coat into my face. “We’re going and that’s that.”
“Why do we even do this, Mom?” I asked. “He doesn’t ever want visitors, he never cares about seeing us and it’s not like it does any of us any good.”
“It does him good,” Mom replied quietly. “You aren’t looking for it, but I can see it in him. He’s getting better each time we go.”
“Mom, please, the guy went to jail for trying to murder you, he’s not gonna get better when his last victim comes and visits him!” I said hotly.
“You’re still angry,” she remarked. “You need to let go of it, and start seeing him the way he really is.”
“The way he really is?” I echoed, absolutely flabbergasted.
“He’s not evil-”
“Mom, look at your arms!” I yelled, forcing my hands over the dark red squares going halfway up her arms. “He attacked you with a waffle iron, he put a fracture in your jaw with a baseball bat! Look at what he did to me!” I added, jutting my marked hand into her face.
She gave a few small nods, diverting her gaze away from the ‘W’ branded into my hand. She pondered the marks on her arms, the mark on my hand, and said, “You’re an adult now. I’ll make you go only this once. If you don’t want to keep visiting him after this… that’s your choice.”
“I can… I can accept that, I think,” I replied, dread now growing in place of my anger. “If you want to make it on time, you need to get going, though…”
“Yes, yes, you’re right,” Mom said distractedly, shuffling for her keys. “Well, come on. I’ll drop you off at your friend’s house once we’re done.”
The two of us got into the old van and drove out of town, doing what we could to endure the cold since the heater in our car didn’t work very well. We kept driving for about an hour or so until, about thirty miles outside of the city, we came to the state penitentiary, a building I’d truly expected to become familiar with someday. We came every year to visit, fulfilling my Mom’s wishes to see my Dad.
It sickened me to come here, every visit being torture. My Dad had always loathed being around me, despite him being the one who brought me into Wanyama, the one who branded me and made me a part of Jester’s crowd. He’d never wanted us, me or my Mom, and now he was gonna pay for it with the rest of his life. I hated coming here because Dad always tried to get something out of me, always trying to tell me to bring orders to the rest of Wanyama. Well, he was certainly in for a surprise today. This time, I was going to walk away the winner.
We had to go in one at a time, so Mom went in first and shut the door behind her, taking up her allotment of thirty minutes to speak with the man who’d brutalized her, sodomized her, tormented her and finally tried to kill her. She was so good, so loving, and not once did her ever deserve it. He didn’t deserve any kindness. Even now, he still tried to manipulate her.
After the time was up, Mom came out with tears in her eyes as she always did. He’d probably done something to her as always. The officer in charge motioned for me to come forward, issuing the usual instructions that I’d have to follow. I didn’t even bother listening, having done this so much that I had it memorized. Finally, after the spiel was done, the door opened and there across the glass, in an orange jumpsuit, his face covered in marks and scars and the rest of his filthy body covered in tattoos, sat my father, Estavan.
I sat down across from him, keeping my face deliberately expressionless so as to take him off guard. When I took my seat, he raised his right hand and presented his own mark and pressed against the glass- a greeting between fellows. I sat there like a statue, my hand stayed by my side. He gave a look of surprise, but said nothing.
We both picked up our phones and he was the first one to speak. “You’re taller,” he remarked.
“You’ve got more scars,” I replied.
“Where’s your sign?” he asked, his gaze darting back down to my hand. “I need you to send a message for me, get to Jester that there’s some old Diamond Dogs here that need taming-”
“I left Wanyama, Estavan,” I interrupted.
“You what?”
“I left,” I repeated firmly. “I left Wanyama, I left San Marino and I’m not ever going back. I don’t see Suds or the rest of them.”
“And why in hell would you leave? They’re the only family you’ve got-”
“Mom is my family, you are Wanyama are not,” I said. “I am not going back to the people and places that turned me into a criminal, do you understand?”
“Look here you piece of crap,” he said fiercely, “you obey me and I’m telling you to go back to Jester and get me what I need, or else when I get out of here I’m-”
“Get out of here?” I said derisively. “Old crappie, you’ve still got years left on your sentence, by the time you’re finally let out of here with no one to look after you, I’ll be gone off somewhere in the world and never gonna see you again. I got a new school, new friends, new everything. My life is 100 times better without you and the rest of your crap in it. You ain’t got nothing on me anymore.”
“Why you little, you better listen or-”
“No, this is not a debate!” I said loudly, so loudly that I could hear the corrections officer take a few steps closer to me just in case. “I am done with you, I am done with Wanyama- I even met a girl and I really like her, and I’m gonna do a helluva lot better job treating her right than you ever did for Mom, you hear me? You are not my father.”
I sat there, panting in anger and excitement as I could see my Dad stewing in fury, unable to do a thing to stop me. I gave a sneering grin, euphoric that I had finally gotten the upper hand on him at last.
But then he gave me his oh-so-familiar leer, a simple twitch of his lips that ruffled his moustache and gave him a sinister look. “How’re her tits?”
I froze. “Excuse me?”
“Her tits, they any good? How they feel?” he pressed.
“I- I-”
“Oh, so you’re still a complete pussy,” he remarked satisfactorily, leaning back in his chair. “So you’ve got a girl but she’s just using you to get what she wants. You’re a complete tool, as per f*cking usual. Maybe trying to kill you wasn’t such a bad thing after all.”
“She is better than that!” I snarled. “She’s a good girl and she deserves to be treated better than-”
“You know, maybe if you actually weren’t such a pathetic pussy, maybe you’d drop by and give me her nudes,” he remarked. “But no, I’m gonna have to ask some guys to go up to her house and get some pictures for me. You think she’ll put out? Or better yet, she do anal? That’d be something to see.”
“You stay away from her!” I snarled, my chest starting to heave. “If you come anywhere near her, I’ll- I’ll-”
“You’ll what? Piss off and run like you always did? Cry in your room like the complete and total bitch that you are?” he mocked. “I f*cked your Mom, I made you exist, and I will always be better than you. You’ve got absolutely nothing in this world and once I get out of here, I’ll find you sitting down in a sewer, drinking your own piss to stay alive, and I’ll go find your girl and make her eat my sh*t out of a can. You were born nothing, you’re gonna always be nothing, and you’ll die nothing. Am I making myself clear?”
I was beyond anger, beyond being incensed. I would never find someone on this planet that I would ever hate more than the man who assured my existence on this earth, the man who had ruined every good thing I’d ever had in my life. “I hate you,” wheezed, choking on my fury. “I hate your guts, you know that? You always have to d-do this t-to m-m-me, you’ve always gotta r-ruin everything! You, you, you, you…”
“Yeah, put up your brave fight, try to stand up for yourself,” he laughed. “I did the exact same thing with my Dad and now I’m in here. See you on this side in three years, I’ll bet.”
I threw the phone aside and immediately walked away, kicking the chair away so violently that it notched a dent in the wall. I flung myself past the guard who stood there and went outside to where Mom waited.
“Are you alright,” she asked, noting my enraged appearance. “What happened-”
“Mom, I am fine, may we please just go?” I said angrily, my legs shaking and threatening to give way. “I want to go right now. So please, let’s leave.”
Mom, as was her nature, compliantly grabbed her keys and we left the prison, leaving behind the cruelest person I had ever met. I was so glad I’d never see him again.
We pulled up to the normally gravely road that marked the beginning of Sweet Apple Acres’ property, now sludged and covered in dark snow. I hadn’t said a word throughout our entire drive from the prison, refusing to say what Estavan had said. To speak them again would… it didn’t matter.
“Now are you sure you want to go?” Mom asked delicately, having left me in peace throughout the drive. “You still seem awful upset, maybe you should just come on home…”
“I’m going,” I said far too passionately, and I switched to a calmer tone. “I’m going. I’m not gonna let him ruin my day and keep me from my friends cause then that’d mean he won.”
“Well… if you’re sure, then,” she said uncertainly, and she unlocked the doors. “Don’t do anything you’ll regret, OK?”
I hopped out of the car and turned around. “Do you still love Estavan?” I asked. “Is that why you visit him?”
Mom looked at me for a moment, turned to face ahead, then back to me. “I don’t really know,” she said. “He was so terrible to you and to me, yet I kept going back to him and letting him in our lives. He did all sorts of things to ruin our lives, and I sometime act like it never even happened… I don’t know if I can answer that, yet,” she finished.
I nodded and started walking down the path, hoping the sound of Mom’s driving off would let me escape from Estavan’s grasp. He got under my skin like nobody else could and I hated it. I was hoping that the half-mile walk down to the farmhouse would be enough to cool me down, as it was somewhere just below freezing. Six minutes later, though, I could do nothing but hear his threats against Sunset Shimmer running through my head. How dare he ever say-
“What’re you doing walking down here?” Applejack cried, poking her head out the door and waving to me. “Land sakes, you must be freezing, hurry on in!”
I dashed forward, taking as much care as possible not to slip on the ice that had formed and slipped in, doing what I could to revive feeling in my face.
“What were you walking out there for?” Applejack asked, helping me brush off some snow that had taken residence on my shoulder. “It’s way too cold to be walking around out there, you know better.”
“I’m fine,” I replied dully, rubbing my hands together in an attempt to gain some warmth.
Applejack froze at the sound of my tone, recognizing it instantly. “What happened?” she asked slowly, looking up at me.
“I’m fine,” I repeated.
“Look at me and say it,” she insisted.
I bored straight into her eyes. “I’m fine,” I said.
She remained unconvinced, looking at me anxiously. “You’re lyin’ to me, but ah don’t know why,” she mused. “If you don’t want to say then that’s your call, but you know what ah’m gonna ask of ya.”
I nodded. “I’ll keep it out of tonight,” I said.
“Good. And… try to have some fun, OK?” she said, giving me shoulder a squeeze. “It’ll do you some good, sug.”
I said nothing, trying to block out Estavan’s voice. His words on a threesome had resurfaced yet again.
“Hey, you made it!” Rainbow Dash greeted as I entered the living room, a spacious area that was festively decorated in in tinsel and lights, a Christmas tree in the corner and a trio of stockings over the fireplace. “Jeez, your face is as red as Sunset’s hair, what were you doing to get so hot?”
I shrugged my shoulders, unsure or unwilling to answer, I couldn’t tell which. I took a seat on the back of the couch, placing myself at a distance from most of the others. I looked over and saw Sunset was also there, comfortably planted in a loveseat and looking at me. It wasn’t like she was even trying to hide it, staring at me with an expression of concern. What was she looking for?
The first fifteen minutes or so of the party was an absolute misery to endure, silently watching as the rest of the group continued to babble. I was glad I was relatively left alone, allowing me to brood and not lash out against someone. I rarely paid attention to what was being said, my mind more occupied with Estavan’s latest string of comments.
It wasn’t the first time he’d said something; two years ago he told me a story of how he had sex with two prostitutes on the couch while Mom and I were off grocery shopping. One of the first times we’d gone to visit, he told me that he wanted me to go off some woman who he claimed owed him drugs. It was a ritualistic thing for him to try and give me some last parting words to crush me. But never had he gotten so under my skin as he had this time round.
It was so typical of him to try and worm his way into my brain, to go in and try to scare me to death. The first time I visited him after my first spell in, he got so mad at me for screwing up my job for Wanyama that he threatened to send guys to go break my legs in the middle of the night. It hadn’t happened, of course, but I wondered if he could. Could he now, if he wanted to, find Sunset and hurt her? Was he capable of it? He couldn’t be, could he? He was in prison.
“And there I was thinking, ‘Oh my gosh, these cupcakes need something, something special and wonderful and tasterific!’” Pinkie Pie cried, her monologue cutting through my thoughts like a knife through butter. “And then I said-”
"How're her tits?" He knew that would unseat me, the old monster had seen right through me from the start, he’d played weak so he could get a good jab at me-
“So I put them all together and then POW! Instant cupcakes from heaven in just fifteen minutes!” said Pinkie Pie, her voice starting to rise in octave. “And then I started getting super-duper hungry-”
"If you actually weren't such a pathetic pussy... you'd drop by and give me her nudes... She do anal?" Sick old freak, treating someone as beautiful as Sunset as just an object, just like he’d treated me and Mom like his own personal punching bag for years on end-
“And since they were soOoOoOo good, I just HAD to share them with everybody, and since they were soOoOoOo good, everybody wanted even more-”
"You're still a complete tool... maybe trying to kill you wasn't such a bad thing after all." Always trying to find a way to bring me down, always trying to hurt me, always going to say whatever gives him the edge-
“And then once we’d sold them all, guess what? We still had more left over, and they were all mine! I couldn’t wait-”
"I will always be better than you..." And the scariest part about it all was when, as if Satan whispered into his ear, he turned out to be-
“And I was just SO HAPPY!” Pinkie shrieked delightedly.
“Pinkie, will you SHUT THE F*CK UP!!” I roared, unable to bear it any longer. “I DON’T CARE- THEY DON’T CARE- NOBODY CARES! YOUR INANE, POINTLESS CONVERSATION IS BAT-SHIT WORTHLESS AND IS MAKING ME WANT TO DRIVE A NAIL INTO MY F*CKING SKULL! ANd… Oh, f*ck…”
The house had gone utterly still, every eye in the entire place wide as dinner plates and locked onto me like I was the lord high Satan himself. Applejack and Rarity looked horrified beyond words, Rainbow Dash’s mouth was agape, and Fluttershy looked completely terrified, while Pinkie Pie, the sweet, joyful young girl who was always so puffed up on happiness, had deflated a good several inches and was making a sniffling sound as tears started to form in her eyes.
I’d come here hoping to get away from a bad semester. Instead, I think I’d just ruined any hope of having a good time with my friends, now and ever again.
All the rage and fight fled me as guilt and unbelievable loathing took their place, my throat constricting in horror. “I-i-i-i-i-i- Oh, f*ck, f*ck, F*ck! That didn’t mean to happen- I didn’t mean to- you know I- F*ck!” I became a stuttering mess, slowly backing away towards the front door, every eye sticking to my every movement. I forced myself not to look for Sunset, terrified I’d see the judgement and shock I saw in all the others.
“I’m gonna, I’m gonna- just g-g-g-g-g-go, I am so s-s-s… F*CK!” I scrabbled for the door handle and found it, giving it a sharp twist and running outside as fast I could go.
I ran down the driveway as fast as I could, not caring about the winter clothing I’d left behind. I had just done- I’d been arrested for stuff nowhere near as bad as what I’d just done! I’d just made Pinkie Pie –a person without a mean bone in her entire body- start to cry! Jeez, I called her my friend, she was one of the first people to treat me nice when I got to Canterlot High, and I’d just… I’d just attacked her…
There was a frail little apple tree nearby, one that AJ and I had been discussing cutting down for the past couple weeks. I gave it a hard punch, knocking off a branch. I gave it a left jab, dismembering a second limb. I took on that dying sapling as if it were a real opponent, giving it everything I had. I was so preoccupied with dismantling my ‘foe’ that I didn’t hear the sound of footsteps coming up the walk until she was right next to me.
“What just happened?” Sunset demanded. “Look, I know you’ve got a temper, you’ve told me that before, but what just happened back there, you never done anything like that before.”
“I’m fine, Sunset, go back,” I said roughly, dropping my fight and starting to walk off-
She grabbed hold of my arm and gripped me like a vice. “Oh no, you’re not running off,” she said fiercely. “Something’s been bothering you for ages now and today something set you off. You and I have been bouncing off of each other for weeks and I want to know what’s got you so upset.”
“It doesn’t matter, it’s not important,” I said, my fear starting to overcome my resolve. I needed to get away, I had to get away-
“You’re not going anywhere! Please, will you just listen to me?!” she yelled, throwing my arm aside and grabbing hold of my face and staring right at me, her eyes blazing with a fire I’d never seen before. This wasn’t anger. I wasn’t even sure what it was…
“Please, don’t try to keep running,” she said gently, rubbing my cheek with a slow stroke of her fingers. “I want you back. You’ve been so upset and I know you wouldn’t really mean to yell at Pinkie Pie like that. Please, just tell me what’s the matter…”
I took a few steps away, my body beginning to shake. This was beyond loathing. I would never, ever be able to deserve her, someone who was so dedicated to helping me…
“We went to visit my Dad today,” I said hoarsely, my tongue moving faster than my thoughts. “He’s locked up in the penitentiary just outside of town.”
Sunset said nothing, just slowly coming to stand next to me, wrapping her small hand into mine.
“We’ve been going every year since he was first incarcerated, Mom taking me there with her every Christmas season, no matter what,” I explained. “She’s sick in her mind when it comes to him, she, she, she thinks that somehow he’ll get better and that he’ll start being a nice person and that he didn’t really mean it when he hurt her, but she always regrets going to visit him and always end up swearing it’ll be the last time we go.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, giving my hand a small but reassuring squeeze. “That must be awful for you.”
I tried to shrug it off. “He was always like that, for as long as I’ve known him,” I replied. “Even when I was real little he’d hurt my Mom, say a bunch of stuff and yell at her, choke her and slam her into the wall, beat her with a baseball bat, come and punch me if he heard me crying about it, on and on and on… it’s all he’s ever been. And whenever we go visit him, he always has to say something awful to me, cause he’s always gotta bring me down.” I took a long breath in an attempt to steady myself, in and out, in and out. “I went there today and tried to beat him to the punch. I told him I’d left Wanyama behind, my old friends were gone, I’d gotten a new school, new friends and even found a girl I really liked, and that I’d finally gotten away from him, and then…”
“It’s OK, take your time,” Sunset said encouragingly, “relax, take a deep breath.”
“He… he started saying a bunch of things, started asking for nudes, said he’d send guys to your house, said all this stuff about you and how he was gonna rule you and he started saying a bunch of stuff about me and that I’d never be able to get away from him and that he’d always be better than me and he’ll get out of prison and come see me just so he can see how I’ve ruined my life, and- and…” my voice faded as I felt something sizeable take root in the back of my throat and a stinging sensation hit my eyes.
“I’m really sorry,” Sunset whispered, her voice quivering slightly. “I’m so sorry, no one should be able to hurt you like that-”
“I’m fine, I’m really fine,” I said loudly, trying to walk it off. “He can’t do anything but yell and scream at me, it’s not like he can put his hands around my neck and strangle me anymore, no, all he can do is get into my head and remind me that I’m gonna end up just like him-”
“You’re not going to end up just like him,” Sunset interjected compellingly. “You are not him, you’re not even close to being him-”
“I’ve been arrested twice already, Sunset, the only difference was I was a minor,” I said raggedly, emotion starting to slur my words together. “Gimme three years and I’ll be right where he is, trying to persuade some drugged-up girl that I didn’t mean to do it and that I won’t ever do it again-”
“You won’t,” she said.
“And I’ll have some kid who I beat up with a beer bottle every night cause he can’t stop trying to protect his mommy-”
“No, you won’t,” she said more forcefully.
“And then someday I’ll get sent to butt-rape jail where I’ll be stuck for the rest of my life or I’ll just go live off somewhere in a hole, drugged out of my mind or dead in a week-”
“Stop!” Sunset yelled, grabbing me and pushing me against a tree. “Stop talking like this, stop doing this to yourself, please! I know you’re hurting but you can’t do this- you’re not going to become him!”
“I’m exactly like him-”
Sunset put her arms around me so tightly that she squeezed the air right out of me, forcefully cutting off my speech. “Nobody like your dad would try to stop me from letting myself get cut apart,” she whispered gently, her face pressed against mine. “Your dad wouldn’t have stopped Brad and the others from trying to hurt me without putting a finger on them, your dad wouldn’t have ever defended me. You’ve messed up, but you are nothing like your dad.”
“But, but…” I scrambled for words. “But look at what I’ve done to people-”
“And look at what I did,” she said, going to her knees and pulling me gently down with her. “You think I’m a good person after what I’ve done. If you don’t care what I’ve done, then I won’t care what you’ve done. You’re not him, and I’m sorry that he’s trying to make you want to be. No one –not now, not ever- should do that to you. And the very fact that you’re scared of it proves you’re gonna do whatever it takes to make sure you don’t end up like your dad.”
I… I broke, whatever defenses I still had raised were gone in an instant. My vision went blurry and the lump in my throat broke open. Sunset and I sat there together, freezing together in the dying light of a winter sun, her fire and warmth doing what it could to keep me from despair. She never let go of me once, never took her arms away from me, simply resting her head on me and soothing me into some sort of peace, her kindness reaching out to me and pulling me from somewhere in the void.
“You’re gonna walk away from his influence,” she said gently. “You’re gonna leave him behind, and you’re gonna go off and do something amazing, and you’ll prove him wrong with the rest of your life.”
We stayed together until the sun’s last rays were on the horizon, keeping each other warm and safe as the darkness started to fall. I didn’t want to let go of her, I didn’t want to watch her walk away. Just as I’d tried to protect her, so she’d ended up being there for me when I needed her most. She was more than beautiful, she was… someone unlike anyone I had ever, or would ever meet.
And I really didn’t want to mess it up.