//------------------------------//
// Just sign the papers... 
// Story: The Swift Spear of Street Justice 
// by pertelote345 
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I rolled my eyes. "Do we really have to do this?"

Guidance Counselor (no, seriously, that was her name) nodded. "If you want me to recommend a 3 month supply of medication, then yes, I want to talk to you."

I rolled over on the couch. I swear, she had a couch, just like in old movies. I know she was trying to make the room more soothing, but it just felt creepily generic.

She leaned back in her armchair. "So, how have things been since your... Change in employment status?"

She meant when I got sacked. "Expensive," I mumbled. I was really trying to hold on to my dwindling supply of bits, and here this tightwad said I had to have an uninsured hundred bit session with her or I couldn't get the medication I needed to live.

At least she had the sense to wince. "Remind me to ask my secretary about giving you an adjusted payment schedule, but I was more referring to your personal life."

I put a hoof to my chin. "Hmm... Let's see, all of my friends were cops and they refuse to talk to me, my sister is in Chicacolt living it up with some rich jerk who refuses to admit I exist and I have had exactly one job offer."

She tilted her head. "Only the one? Where else have you applied? Did you look at my list?"

"Sure I did, they said no." It was only half a lie. That list of jobs she'd given me had been just a pile of retail and customer service jobs. I had too many scars to sell ponies makeup or bake cookies... 

Honestly there wasn't much call for a mare like me in general.

Counselor bit her lip. "I'm sorry to hear that, but... I have to say are you absolutely sure that sort of job is right for you?"

I sighed. "It's either that or living in a cardboard box. Besides, I always did want to see Equestria. I guess now's my chance."

"But you realize it's dangerous?" She cautioned.

I snorted. "I was a cop, I'm used to it."

I'd been in enough interrogation rooms to know she was suppressing some serious twitching. "In your last job you had more support though, more authority, more..."

"Dignity?" I asked.

She looked away. Good god, I'd managed to make a psychologist show emotion. The sky was falling.

Aw heck, I must have really bugged her... 

I held up a hoof. "Look, I get it, you're worried and bail bonding ain't the most savory business in Equestria, but I'll be alright. Besides, right now it's all I've got."

I thought back to my empty fridge. It really, really was...

Guidance paused for a moment... Then nodded in acceptance. "Okay, but that means this is going to be our only chance for a dosage adjustment for some time. Have you spoken with your endocrinologist?"

I nodded. "They think my current dose won't need a change for a while. My blood tests are more than stable. So, how about it? Are you going to let me go?"

She pulled out a note-pad. "After I ask a few questions about your transition. Now, how high would you say your dysphoria has been in the last month?"

I groaned. This was going to take a long, long time...


#


I fiddled with my hooves as I waited for my name to be called, asking myself a flurry of questions. Why oh why did I steal that key? Why did the Royal Guard not want recruits in the janitor's closet? Why didn't I just wait and buy myself some more disinfectant during the next leave?

And of course, the most obvious question, why was I taking this job?

Because I don't have any money. My brain provided unhelpfully. 

I guess I could have gone back home, but... When I'd left home I'd told myself it was for good. My mom and dad were... Alright, but Neigh Jersey just wasn't a good place for anypony. Plus they'd been a wreck since the divorce.

So here I was, 19 years old and trying to become a bounty hunter... My future looked so bright.

The only other person inside was some weird earth pony stallion with a wicked utility harness and a camouflage bow hair tie. He had bloodshot eyes and when he first came he made a beeline for the water fountain and swallowed a hoof full of pills.

I could have sworn I saw a mare's name on the prescription bottle.

He was just sitting there, idly leafing through an old copy of "Cannons Monthly" and I had a sinking feeling that he was my co-worker.

I bit my lip. Ooh boy.

Finally, the receptionist, a soul drainingly grey mule, called us up. "Mr. Swift Spear? Miss Street Justice? The bondsmare will see you now."

To my great surprise, the (apparently female?) Burly earth pony picked herself up and walked into the office. I followed after her with only a little hesitation.

Inside the door was a bright lavender room with a pile of pictures of kittens piled around.  Behind the desk was our new employer, a fluffy golden maned mare named Miss Golden Bounty... I couldn't shake the feeling that her parents wanted her to grow wheat or something.

She held out a few files. "Welcome to the Caring Hooves Bail Bonding Association! I trust you all have your licensing stuff in order?"

We both nodded, producing our ID paperwork... It had been worryingly easy to obtain.

She looked over our information and smiled. "Well, that was about the last formality, welcome to the team! It's orientation time!"

She trotted out from behind her desk and gestured to a wall of cat pictures. "I want you to think of yourselves as kitten caretakers!"

We both blinked.

Street Justice coughed. "Umm... Pardon me ma'am, but this is a for profit bounty hun-"

"Shhh!" She shushed her. "Don't call yourselves that! It's so much better when you refer to yourselves as "bail bond recovery agents."

She turned back to the kittens. "But anywho, as I was saying, the world is full of lots of cute little kittens, and they need to be kept inside where they're safe so they don't wander off and get hurt, or even hurt someone else!"

I... I had no idea where she was going with this, so all I said was, "Oookay."

She nodded. "When kitties get lost it's important to find them so they can go back to kitten court and learn their kitten sentences. However, it's important to remember they're kittens, not something mean that deserves to die like your ex-husband!"

Street and I exchanged a look... Then nodded.

"So that's the big lesson! It's okay if the kitties get a little banged up, just so long as the kitties aren't seriously hurt. So remember, beating kittens is okay, breaking their little paws with a sledge hammer is a no-no!"

She turned to us with an odd little glint in her eye. "You're going to help me wrangle all of the adorable kittens that have lost their way. I like kittens, I need kittens..." She narrowed her eyes. "And you do not want to buck with me. If you can't get enough kittens back, or you give kitten catchers a bad name well..." She shrugged. "Use you're imagination."

I tried very hard not to.

Golden Bounty smiled. "So do you have any questions before your first assignment?"

Street just kind of sputtered, "N-no ma'am!"

Golden giggled. "Great! Mimsy will give you your packets. they've got all the information you need to catch your first kitten. Good luck!

That said, she shooed us out the door. 

We didn't need much encouragement.