//------------------------------//
// 2: Fluid Dynamics 
// Story: I, Paladin 
// by Inquisitor M 
//------------------------------//







I won’t lie. I love being the boss.
Out in the sticks, what I am might not mean as much, but in these walls I am untouchable by anypony other than the princesses themselves. As a guard, I was summoned before Princess Celestia plenty of times, but now, she ‘requests my counsel’.
I hope this feeling never gets old.
I passed by plenty of faces I knew well. Stopped to chat to a few, too, but mostly I just nod to show I remember. I was there once, and I respect every last one of them.
The newer recruits took a second to examine the icon on my official torque: a silver sword, hilt up, laid over a red heart and framed by black wings. Almost without exception, they snapped to attention like they were back in basic.
Part of me says I should put ‘em at ease – play the humble servant – but I won’t lie: I love it too much.
I earned this.
But I made a note of every face that showed good form. Maybe one day I’ll be bestowing this crest on one of them, so I remember. All that’s for another day, though.
I stopped at the large double doors to Celestia’s study. I always liked how well they symbolised her: larger than life, finely crafted and maintained, but ultimately functional and unassuming. That’s how I’ve always seen them anyway.
Knock three times, then push one door open. That’s the proper way. I marched stiffly into the room and offered an equally stiff salute. I don’t think anypony used to actually enjoy the parade ground as much as I did.
“Master Paladin Splashdown, reporting as requested, Ma’am!”
Celestia was stood before a large writing desk, with a quill hovering over a stack of paper. With a deep sigh, she set the quill down.
“There’s no need for that, Splashdown.”
“Absolutely not, Ma’am!”
“Could you at least lower your voice?”
She flashed me the tiniest hint of a smile, so I returned it in kind.
“Of course… Ma’am. You wanted to see me?”
“Yes, and you know very well why.” Celestia’s horn lit up again and a scroll unfurled on her desk. She skimmed over the writing with her eyes, but it was clear that she remembered what it said in minute detail. She always did. “I received a personal report from Sonata to say that everything is fine.”
“Yes, Ma’am. Absolutely peachy.”
“So, I am to believe that, on the same day as Luna goes to visit a class at my School for Gifted Unicorns, one of the senior staff who just happens to have history with my sister also just happens to send me a note out of the blue saying that everything is fine… and I am supposed to believe that everything is, as stated, absolutely fine?”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
I gave her a wide grin. If she was truly worried, she’d let me know.
“I’ve asked you here because I did some investigating and the official record says the lesson plan was amended to fluid dynamics. Now, I confess that I don’t make the curriculum for my school, but I am quite certain that ‘fluid dynamics’ is not on it.”
“No, Ma’am. Terrible oversight, that.”
Celestia gave me a steely glare as she huffed. Not that she’s angry; she’s just remembered that the Paladins take this kind of sparring very seriously. Some of her social sophistication rubs Luna the wrong way, so we throw it back in her face when she isn’t asking straight questions to remind her that she’s doing it – while being as evasive as possible, naturally.
Seriously, I love my job.
“Well then, Paladin, why don’t you tell me how this subject came up?”
“Yes, Ma’am. See, Luna was fine until we were standing in front of a class. Once they started asking her questions, she started showing all the signs of stress that I’ve come to know. So, being the dutiful servant that I am, I decided to insert myself into the conversation with an anecdote about fluid dynamics. Broke the ice rather nicely, I thought.”
“Broke the ice.” Celestia gave me a good, long stare. “Would that ice, perchance, explain how the courtyard outside the Meadowlark building became abnormally muddy?”
“No. And yes. Not exactly, Ma’am. That was down to the raincloud, but it was part of breaking the ice, so to speak.”
“I see. So your anecdote about fluid dynamics broke the ice by using a raincloud to partially flood a children’s play area?”
“Yes! You got it. A demonstration of fluid dynamics requires fluid, after all.”
Celestia raised a hoof to her forehead and sighed.
“No. No, I’m afraid I don’t get it,” she said, frowning as she rubbed her temple. “Your anecdote was, in fact, a demonstration which – if my sources are correct – ended in most of the class, and a certain Princess of Equestria, getting covered in mud?”
“See? You do get it. Ice was broken; Luna had children both had a great time.”
“I was told it was an absolute mudbath.”
“Yes, Ma’am. As stated, everypony enjoyed themselves. Well, ’cept for a little colt called Zapper, initially, but he seemed quite happy to be personally consoled by a princess.”
“Zapper. Class 2C then,” Celestia said.
That stunned me for a few seconds. When I resumed, I’d completely forgotten about sparring.
“Princess? You know the class allocations for the kids at your school?”
She had that little smirk that said she knew full well she’d caught me off guard.
“Of course. I meet every child who attends my school personally, and I make a point of memorising their names. I consider it a show of respect.”
“Respect… yeah.” I already knew that she could name all the staff at the castle, even the temps. “That’s a lot of names. To be honest, I’m kind of—”
Celestia slapped her forehead with a hoof.
“I’ve been very foolish, haven’t I.”
“I’m not sure I’d go that—”
“I imagine Luna got anxious when a class of children started bombarding her with questions. You took control by taking them outside and demonstrating your cutie mark story for them. Fluid dynamics.”
“That’d be the length, depth, breadth, and duration of it, yeah.”
“And you say they all had fun in the end? Even Luna?
“Especially Luna. Class 2C is going to grow up never being afraid of Nightmare Moon. It was a good day.”
Celestia’s smirk mellowed. It became warmer – more natural.
“Thank you, Splashdown. I…”
“It’s okay, Princess. Good news doesn’t need an explanation. And hey, turns out it’s my job? Who’d a thought it, uh?”
She replied in a wide, beaming smile, and I headed back towards the door.
“So, I’ll see you again this time next week?” I said.
“You will? Dare I even ask?”
“Hockey.”
“Hockey? You mean with sticks and shin pads and a dangerously solid ball?”
I cleared my throat.
“Not exactly. Ice. Puck. More padding.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh. No good can come of it, so I’ll see you next week.”
Celestia chuckled quietly and I pulled the door open, but before I stepped through it, she interrupted me.
“Splashdown?”
“Yes, Ma’am?”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Ma’am. Just... promise me you’ll visit me in hospital.”