The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Za Maud-O

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A/N: Dare I try to write a chapter that can do this fight justice? It would probably look better if somebody animated it instead. Spoiler warning for Friendship is Magic, Season 4 "Maud Pie", Season 5 "Hearthbreakers", and Season 6 "The Gift of Maud Pie".
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, Yasuko Kobayashi and Viz Media.
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All we're missing now is a bit of Fist of the North Star action.

You know what my three favorite things are? Third thing is giant swords. Second is guns. Can you guess the first?

Um... fists?

*Single clap* Nailed it!

Well then, you'll be happy to know that both of today's combatants have a specialty in punching extremely quickly.

First, there's the upstanding Jotaro "Jojo" Joestar. Ow! My tongue!

And the older sister of Pinkie Pie, Maud.

He's W and I'm B.

It's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Jotaro Joestar
-AKA Jotaro Kujo
-Wears jackets with some confusing chains attached
-Can punch hard enough himself to cause opponents to bleed
-Stand: Star Platinum, an extension of his own will in the form of a uniquely colored man
-Star Platinum can phase through and/or touch objects as directed, throw rapid-fire punches, move through stopped time for up to five seconds, and is strong enough to keep an oil tanker or steam roller airborne for a relatively long time
-Any injury that Star Platinum experiences also affects Jotaro's real body, which can add onto any damage dealt directly to Jotaro
-The World: Temporary time-stop ability; due to already killing the time-stopper Dio, Jotaro's ability has waned to about half of a second

In the Shonen Jump universe, there is no shortage of absurdly crazy, yet very addictive adventure arcs. There are the cursed pirates of One Piece, the Soul Reapers of Bleach, the martial artist aliens of Dragon Ball, and even the parodies of other manga within Gin Tama.

Let's not forget the obscurely convenient relics that are constantly the search points for the Bizarre Adventures of JoJo.

The third arc of this... well... bizarre series introduced the protagonist Jotaro of the Joestar family or Jotaro Kujo in Japan. While he started off as a careless delinquent, he eventually discovered a power within himself called a Stand, a sort of manifestation of a power beyond oneself.

Jotaro's Stand in particular looks like a pro-league wrestler and is called Star Platinum. When called forth, it can do all sorts of things from beating the tar out of some poor sucker to precisely pinning pressure points.

Together with his grandfather Joseph -- after the latter broke his grandson out of prison -- he traveled many reaches of the world in search of Dio Brando, a powerful man that strapped a relic mask to his face that turned him into an immortal vampire that feeds off the blood of other people. Somehow, killing Dio was supposed to save Jotaro's mother from dying.

How the hell does that work? Who knows?

Star Platinum's abilities allow Jotaro to see a broad general area of where his desired target is. This Stand can phase through solid objects and collide with them at any given point, even allowing Jotaro to stop his own heartbeat to throw off his potential murderer.

But it's not just a tricky Hulk Hogan lookalike. The Stand can also lift and toss light posts, cars, and giant buildings with minimal effort. He can also punch really fast with a satisfying "ora-ora-ora" sound effect.

Star Platinum's fists can apparently withstand the sharp impact of dozens of knives at once. Plus, after a long, gruesome fight with Dio, Jotaro figured out how to use the time-stop ability Za Warudo, or "The World".

Even in a stopped time environment where Jotaro can't move, his Stand can still freely punch away for a five second duration. Even without the stand, Jotaro can punch through walls and survive getting tossed across a city, through a train car, and falling from several stories above pavement.

However, he does have limits to how much punishment he can take. In fact, any injuries that Star Platinum experiences get further added to the damage felt by Jotaro's actual body, making the use of Star Platinum a double-edged sword.

Hey, I can kill you, but it might cost me an arm that never touched you.

Plus, he cannot maintain the time stop forever, meaning he needs to work fast while he has The World in effect.

But since he's managed to top all sorts of people with just as much ridiculous power, I expect him to be a hit.

... Aren't you supposed to save one-liners until the end of the battle?

"Then, let's compare raw power."

Maud Pie
-Really like rocks (has a pet rock named "Boulder")
-Very monotone, very literal
-Wears a bluish-gray coat at all times
-Can toss large rocks far enough and hard enough to create a tsunami... out of a lake
-When motivated, can slam her hooves against a giant rock so fast that it becomes nothing more than a pile of pebbles and dust
-Her pushing strength is a bit inconsistent
-The Maud Sense: Lets her find exactly who/what she wants, even in a crowded city
-Can apparently break reality and appear on the left side of screen if she was previously standing on the right

The farms of the land of magical ponies are an important source of food, trade, peace, and... rocks?

I wonder how hard that is.

What is with you today?

I don't know, but among the eldest children of Igneous Rock Pie and Cloudy Quartz is the straight mare Maud. She takes everything so literally that it leaves fans dying on their floors in laughter... for reasons I have yet to understand.

You don't like dry humor, B? Your loss. But she doesn't just have a grounded personality. She also has interest in rocks, simple fashion, and poetry... that happens to be all about rocks. Plus, she carries her pet rock Boulder wherever she goes.

While not quite as an emotional wild card as her cotton candy of a sister, Maud does have a sense for finding exactly what she wants to find and know exactly where it is. It's like an enemy radar on steroids. I theorize that she can also break the fourth wall to some extent. How else would she appear right in front of a fleeing unicorn who dared to try and escape before telling her about her sister's cannon sacrifice?

Huh. That's... actually a pretty good inference. Aside from her spatial skip and her surprisingly good grace on the ice, she is also swift and strong enough to clear six stretches of an obstacle course and still have enough energy to grind a boulder to nothing more than harmless dirt particles.

Eat your heart out, Kenshiro.

Not to mention, she can apparently throw rocks of a similarly large density over a distance of three lake-sizes away and still cause a big enough impact to nearly empty the lake in front of her of its volume. However, her physical strength of throwing and punching does not quite translate to pushing, as she still struggles to push a different large boulder, even with her immediate family helping out.

If there's one thing the writers are good at doing, it's being inconsistent with their characters' power, making us poor co-hosts have an even more difficult job.

You mean giving me a more difficult job.

Isn't that what I just said?

"It was a dark and stormy night. Little did I know that my life was about to change forever."

Alright, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time for a Death Battle!

We now bring you live to an open street in some unknown neighborhood. A thug in a red jacket gets tossed across the screen and lands on his head. His fellow gang members gather around in concern. They turn to look in fear at the man responsible for the bruises inflicted upon their leader. Nothing quite says intimidation like a golden chain.

Panicking, the gang picks up their leader and runs for the hills. Meanwhile, the remaining delinquent in white spits into a nearby bush and sighs. Why can't he just get a decent person that can figure out how to put up a fight? Maybe his bar is too high. After beating a time-stopping vampire that can throw knives and steam rollers, what's left?

His thoughts get interrupted by a random pebble landing on his shoulder. Curious, he holds out his hand and catches the tiny rock before gravity can take it any further.

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"Boulder..." calls a pony with barely detectable urgency. "Where did you run off too?"

The camera pans several feet behind her. Somehow, she appears in the same posture facing the opposite direction. But, we just saw over there- Her original spot along the sidewalk is empty. O...kay, then. It's official: This pony scares me. Maybe we should just move on.

"There you are," she states with mild relief.

However, the moment of peace is short-lived. A few feet away is the tall man. The pony's eyes twitch ever so slightly upon seeing the alleged Boulder in his hand. She trots over carefully.

He hears her hoof steps and turns around. "And just what are you?"

"Sir, release my pet at once, please." She stares at him with a steady expression.

"Pet?" He puts his hand in his pocket while using his other hand to adjust his hat. "What are you talking about?"

"I won't ask nicely again." The pony takes a step forward. "Release my pet, please."

"Good grief... you're rather persistent in speaking nonsense." He points an index finger at her. "But, maybe I can humor you. Show me how strong you are, and I'll consider helping you find your hamster or whatever it is."

Rarity would describe the pony's expression as having fire in her eyes... though it's a lot easier to animate than actual fire. "For the record, I tried being polite first."

FIGHT!

Maud trots lively with a well-hidden fury fueling her legs. Jotaro doesn't seem too concerned. He actually puts his hands in his pockets and waits. At just under a meter away, Maud dashes forward. The man hums in confusion. It appears that the pony has her front hooves firmly clasped around his leg.

"Hey, what the...?" He lifts his leg and shakes it around. "Hanase!"

Try as he might, he can't seem to shake off his new passenger. He stomps that foot around himself at various points on the sidewalk. Still, she refuses to budge. Once more, Jotaro stomps down. But instead of his foot stepping on the pavement, Maud's hind legs plant themselves firmly down.

Jotaro is bewildered as he suddenly finds himself horizontal. This pony is somehow lifting him above her head with nothing but her front limbs. She gives him the same shaking treatment that he initially gave her. Something clatters out of Jotaro's pocket. Maud's ear twitches upon the rock's contact with the pavement.

Feeling satisfied, Maud spins around and tosses the pet-napper. He crashes headfirst through a car's window and onto the other side of the road. The vehicle's anti-burglar alarm blares loudly. Maud leans down and picks up Boulder on top of her hoof.

"Wait in my pocket until it's safe, Boulder," she says while stuffing her pet into her dress.

The pony's eyes turn toward the ruined car. Its beeping continues even as something lifts the vehicle off its wheels. While Jotaro stands close by, it appears that another muscular man is doing the heavy-lifting. The bluish wrestling champion look-alike throws the car with force to spare. Maud ducks down as the car flies over her. It lands on a row of bushes and promptly explodes.

"Like my Stand?" asks Jotaro. He runs across the street. "Let's go, Star Platinum!"

The Stand floats on ahead, aiming his fist at the pony. Maud jumps out of the way just in time to watch a section of the sidewalk turn into a small crater. Jotaro bends his legs at what most men would consider an uncomfortable angle.

"Have a nice flight!" He points his index finger.

Though her eyes stay the same, Maud lets out a light gasp as Star Platinum quickly closes the distance between them. He throws his fists in a rapid-fire punching motion from every angle in front of himself.

"Ora-ora-ora-ora-ora-ora-ora!"

The barrage of punches draws spittle from Maud's mouth. True to Jotaro's word, Star Platinum's last "ora" sends her flying off the right side of the camera shot. Jotaro sighs. He isn't sure why he expected anything that great to come from a slightly dressed up pony.

He also isn't sure how she gets a kick against his face from the left side of the screen. "Nani?"

Maud's hooves fill up the hit box as her hooves move in a similarly rapid pace as Jotaro's Stand did just a few seconds ago. The force of the impacts draws a trickle of blood from his mouth. His golden chain snaps off where its closest link is attached to his jacket. His feet slide against the sidewalk until he barely avoids the edge of the sidewalk crater. He coughs a couple times before he reaches up his hand and wipes his face.

"I am no longer disappointed," he admits. "Let's finish this properly."

Star Platinum glides right through Jotaro like a ghost. He hollers with determined intent. Maud responds by galloping forward and taking a leap. She keeps her steady expression even as she holds her hooves out. This time, each of Star Platinum's "oras" are matched with a front hoof jab. Neither of them is giving an inch or missing a punch.

The Stand pulls back a bit and prepares to throw a really strong punch.

"Sic 'em, Boulder!"

Suddenly, a rock goes flying against Star Platinum's left eye. There's a squishing noise as Jotaro yells and reaches up a hand to his now bleeding socket. Maud hits the pavement, galloping. She leaps straight at the distracted Jotaro. She throws her hoof into one more jab.

...

"Za Warudo."

Everything suddenly goes into a photo negative. All motion crawls to a standstill. At least, everything slows down except for a pained Jotaro and Star Platinum. Jotaro clenches his fist, crouches, and delivers an uppercut against the pony's rib cage. Star Platinum appears closer and finishes his punch against the pony's face.

"Time continues."

As the colors return to normal, Maud suddenly feels the impact of both of the punches at once. She gags on her own spit and blood as she crashes against the sidewalk. She leaves a huge skid mark in the pattern of her tail. Her head turns limp to the side. The life in her eyes fades. Star Platinum pulls Boulder out of his eye and tosses it over to the pony's side.

"I gotta hand it to you and your pet," says Jotaro. "You both put up a strong fight."

He turns around and walks. His hands are busy holding his chest and his left eye. He breathes heavily along the way.

K.O.!

Oh ho ho, yes! So much punching... it's delicious.

That sounds absolutely creepy. *Ahem* The matchup between anime protagonist and cartoon side character was much closer than one would initially think. Both Jotaro and Maud Pie have feats of strength that their average people can't even compare.

Maud's speed and keen eyes could keep up with Star Platinum's punching blow for blow. Hell, her ability to traverse the rules of the cartoon screen even managed to catch Jotaro off guard for a second there.

But ultimately, all of the force that Maud could deliver wasn't nearly enough to kill Jotaro. This man has survived forces of impact that no man really should, even among the most muscular. Compared to crashing through buildings, falling from a height above a state building's reach, not to mention the stabbing and tanker explosion... Maud's tsunami-inducing rock throw for a swimming pool doesn't quite stack up.

The crazy Dio had all of Jotaro's powers and then some and even he lost against him.

Finally, Maud had no reasonable way of countering Jotaro's time-stop, as small a window as it was. This would be enough of a chance for Jotaro or Star Platinum to get in the strikes necessary to end the match.

In the end, Maud Pie was pressured between The World and a hard place.

The winner is Jotaro Joestar.

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