1.
Mayor Mayor wasn't the only one cursed with the misfortune of having to work in Ponyville. In fact, many ponies worked in Ponyville, although Mayor Mayor suspected that they were all secretly as miserable as her. One pony who did work in Ponyville who wasn't miserable was Solid Wall, who's cutie mark was as his name described and who often explained to any reasonably attractive mare passing by that it represented his sturdy dependableness, among other things.
Solid Wall spent most of his days not inspecting buildings. His monthly stipend came in whether or not he actually ever inspected the buildings he was supposed to, so he never bothered. The secret to his success was not doing anything even remotely laborious, and generally just cheating and lying as best he could. It was a good life he had in Ponyville, waking up, drinking as much cider as he could manage, hitting on as many mares as he could manage, and not inspecting as many buildings as he could manage. He really didn't want to screw it up by finding out that one of the buildings he was responsible for was dilapidated. For one thing that meant he would have to stop drinking cider and being a lecher, and instead start inspecting buildings. Worse, he would have to start fixing buildings. Such a horrible fate was not meant for good men such as himself.
Unfortunately, a beam had snapped off the town hall and had come inches from bludgeoning some poor foal who was playing near the building, and now he had to inspect it. From an outside glance, undisturbed by the presence of cider-goggles, it didn't take long for him to come to the sad, but logical conclusion about the state of the building, and he knew that in his future, the long blade of the specter of work hung over him. Since the mayor and his assistant were usually the only ones to ever used the building, it was his duty to inform the Mayor of the news.
There'd only ever been two mayors in Ponyville. The first mayor, Pilgrim Heart, won the election simply because none of the Apple family wanted the job. Pilgrim Heart had built much of the structure of the current town, the dam, the town hall, and even most of the dirt roads had been built under her administration,. She was often regarded as the founder of Ponyville despite the Apples actual claim to the title, and it was her statue that stood near the center of town, reminding everypony of her ever watchful iron gaze. After she retired, the development of Ponyville ebbed to a halt and for the most part the town just chugged along in the absence of government. The next mayor to be elected was Mayor Strawpony, who was continually reelected because neither the Apple family nor the Rich family wanted the job. In fact, he'd run unopposed every election he'd ever been in.
Like Solid Wall, the mayor seemed to be in the habit of doing nothing. The real power in Ponyville lay within the hands of the Apple Family and the Rich Family. The Apples had Zap Apple Jam. The Riches had fooled the Apples into selling them Zap Apple Jam at honest prices, which they then proceeded to sell on the open market for dishonest prices. Everybody was happy, and anything the Apples or the Riches wanted, they usually got, and Ponyville continued it's slow, ragged upward climb into middling levels of prosperity.
The town hall had been built to be a community center, but since Ponyville weather was almost always mild even in the dead of summer, most events just took place outside. It didn't help that the town hall had an unsavory reputation for being dilapidated. Solid Wall had supervised the last work done to the building personally. He had watched with a wise and proud eye as the carpenters and builders he'd hired built the little office inside that now separated the entrance of the building from the large and formerly lavish interior, and did everything in his power not to help. The town hall had been in moderate repair back then, now the little annex was presumably the only thing in good condition. He couldn't be sure because, like everyone else, he hadn't seen the interior of the building since the construction of the office. The mayor didn't like to be disturbed.
Solid Wall entered the building with the sort of swagger that could only be achieved by a man who didn't know what he was up against. He'd seen the mayor's current assistant a few times, but since he avoided town hall as though it were a dragon that may be tempted to gobble him if he got too close, he'd not gotten many chances to speak with the pretty young mare.
The pretty young mare didn't even bother to look up at him as he entered, preferring instead to stare at a clothing catalogue on her desk. Solid Wall was not deterred, he cleared his throat and waited.
The pretty young mare turned a page.
Solid Wall was not used to being ignored by mares, or at least, not used to being ignored without a glare and some rolled eyes. That said, he knew exactly what to do in a situation like this. Solid Wall leapt into action by coughing, but not too loud.
The mayor's assistant continued to ignore him.
Solid Wall was flummoxed. For a moment, he considered just leaving and coming back later, but that would not do at all. He was good at avoiding work at all cost, but he didn't want to be responsible for the injury of other ponies. It was only a matter of time before the town hall came crumbling down on the mayors assistant and the mayor, and he didn't really want that on his conscience, or else he might have to start drinking cider for reasons other than fun.
"Uh," Solid Wall said.
"Yes?" The mayor's assistant said, not looking up from her book.
"I need to see the mayor."
The assistant looked up. She inspected the colt with the sort of wide eyed empty gaze that meant that she was immediately forgetting his every feature as soon as she saw them. She looked back down at her catalogue. "The mayor is not to be disturbed. Come back in a couple hours."
"Oh, okay. Thanks," Solid Wall said, and left. The assistant flipped another page of her catalogue.
A couple hours and a couple cold ciders later, Solid wall returned to the office. The assistant had moved on to another catalogue and continued to blithely ignore him. For the first time he noticed something peculiar about the otherwise barren room.
"Socks," he said.
The assistant started, she hadn't heard him come in. Then she glared at him, eyes slanted in distrust and suspicion. "What?"
"Socks." Solid Wall repeated, his voice a little slurred. "The walls. You nailed socks on the walls."
"Oh," the assistant said, she seemed almost disappointed, but also relaxed. Her inspection turned from memorizing a hostile intruder to merely observing an unintentional intruder. "And you are?"
Solid Wall had all the answers at his disposal. "I'm Solid Wall. I'm the town inspector. I need to see the mayor."
The interest the mare had waned at the mention of the mayor, and she looked back down at her catalogue. "The mayor is not to be disturbed. Come back in a couple hours."
"You said that last time."
"Those are my instructions." Each word she spoke was filled with the passion of a schoolchild reciting times tables. "If you have issues with them, take them up with the mayor."
"I will, can I see him now?"
"In a couple hours."
"It's important that I see him."
"In a couple hours."
"When exactly? Do you have a specific time he'll be available?"
"In a couple hours."
Solid Wall stopped and rubbed his temple with his hoof. They could've replaced the girl with a parrot from out of the everfree, or even a simple blackboard with 'in a couple hours' repeated over and over on it. It was time to try another approach.
"It's about the building. This building. The building you're sitting in looking pretty, girl. It's rotten, no good, needs to be condemned. It'll join the great building heap in gehenna soon enough, and if I don't see the mayor-"
"In a couple hours," the mare said, flipping another page in her catalogue. She hadn't listened to a word he'd said.
Solid Wall gave up. What else could he do? He left defeated, and returned to the relative safety and sanity of the salt bar. The sun was beginning to dip in the sky, and he was at a loss as to how to proceed. For the first time in his career, he was trying to do his job, only to find his job was impossible to do in the first place. Also for the first time, he found the bar brought no comfort to his turmoil. The cider tasted stale, and he could taste its inferiority in comparison to Apple family cider. He several all the same, but they didn't bring him much joy.
It was late evening when he limped from the bar to try one more time at getting through to the mayor. The town hall was not far, and he found his way with relative ease. No one was about on the streets of Ponyville that night, although he kind of half expected something strange to happen, like having that old ghoul Madam Pie lurch out of the darkness to startle him once again. Nothing happened, and he arrived at the town hall without incident, only to find that the front door was locked.
For a moment, Solid Wall just stood there, his hoof pressing against the door over and over as if somehow it might be unlocked the next time he pushed it. His inebriated mind eventually caught on, and he stood there for another moment, trying to figure out what to do.
"Would either of you have a quill I could borrow?" He asked the two mail ponies, who were struggling with a large crate nearby. They'd been whispering to themselves for several moments as he worked at the door, and he felt like they should at least try to help him.
The mail ponies lapsed into silence, and one produced a quill. "We were never here, understand?"
"Uh-huh," said Solid Wall, taking the quill and ignoring them completely. He had a solution for this problem. On the doors to the town hall he wrote in a large, bold, shaky hand:
CONTEMD
Content with his handiwork, he gave the quill back to the mailpony and left, heading for the comfort of his home and his bed. It was the middle of the night when he woke up, still somewhat drunk, and realized he hadn't actually accomplished anything. He supposed this was all in a good days work, and went back to sleep. He woke up again in the morning with a splitting hangover.