//------------------------------//
// The Fratricide of Cain 
// Story: Rainbow Dash analyzes The Bible 
// by Enigma Machine 
//------------------------------//

Rainbow Dash wipes the old dust from her camera, sets it on the tripod, and hits the button.

"Urgh, let's get this over with."





Yo, what's up, you labiums?

For some reasons I see many people saying I should bring back the Bible Analysis. I actually discontinued that about, wait no, a little bit more than two years, but... I guess we can try this again.


"The Fratricide of Cain"


Now that sounds like a wonderful title for a horror movie, doesn't it?


"And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived..."


Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived? How the hell're you supposed to imagine that? Does he look around, say, "Ey, you cunt. Are you that Eve girl?" and then she becomes pregnant? What a cunt.


"...and she conceived and bare Cain and said..."


Funny how they believed in every pile shit back then, but not the power of the comma. "And and and and..."


"I have gotten a man from the LORD."


Uh-huh, from "the LORD". I'd rather say, from cum out of Adam's ballsack.

But okay, okay, don't worry. It was the lord. The lord adam. And the cum. From his ballsack.


"And she again bare his brother Abel."


Cum. From Adam's ballsack.


"And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground."


And I'm the fucking ruler of the universe.


"And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the LORD."


I don't get that. Why should the lord get some random fruits as offering? I thought he was "the LORD". He can pull literally anything out of his butthole.


"And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof."


I'm pretty sure the lord can also pull sheep out of his butthole without a sweat. He could pull anything out of his butthole. He could even pull out a fucking gigantic cruise ship out of his butthole. He's "the LORD".


"And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering: But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell."


For once, actually something that makes sense.


"And the LORD said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? And why is thy countenance fallen? Thou son of a bitch."


For being an omniscient motherfucker and for being able to pull a fucking cruise ship out of his butthole, the lord... is a rather comedically retarded idiot, the bastard.


"If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted?"


...I don't get it.


"And if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door, thou son of a bitch. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him."


Why doesn't Cain say now, "Ey yo, you celebrate the offering of my bro sooo hard, but you don't celebrate my one at all? What the hell is wrong with you? You son of another god."


"And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him."


Adam and Eve were the first two ponies on the planet. Apparently. So Cain must've been the first baby on the planet. Apparently. And apparenlty also the first gruesome psychopath, who actually killed his own brother. Because of a fallen countenance.

Awesome. This is getting better by the minute.


"And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother, thou son of a bitch? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper? And the LORD said, What hast thou done, thou son of a bitch? The voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground. And now art thou cursed from the earth, thou bastard, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother's blood from thy hand. Cunt."


This is all boring as fuck, so I figured I'd add a few curses to make it more entertaining. But I think I should just jump to the end.


"And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden."


...

And if they didn't die, they still molest little children to this day.





Rainbow Dash shakes her head, and throws the book away. 

"That's it for this time. You can buy my shirts at Rarity's boutique. Best quality, made from 100% fallen countenance towards 'the LORD'!"