//------------------------------// // S3E6: Sleepless in Ponyville // Story: My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic // by swirlstar //------------------------------// S3E6: Sleepless in Ponyville Mayor Mare’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville The Agenda: 1. Luna’s spy scandal – Damage control! [ ] 2. LONG TERM – Foster reconciliation in Ponyville. [ ] Every settlement in Equestria possesses a few quaint traditions of its own, habits to which townsfolk cling onto like religious icons and rarely relinquish without a fight. Canterlot has the annual Banana Cake-Eating Festival (a favorite of Her Highness’), Seaddle mandates that its teenagers wear long manes and sing depressing songs, and Appaloosa is home to the odd sport of ‘Juggling on a Herd of Stampeding Bison While Half-Drunk and Cross-Dressed’. For Ponyville, the day’s edition of the Ponyville Express heralded the start of its own local tradition, which was to try and get a certain pegasus ejected from her post as Ponyville’s weathermare. “Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow,” Deputy Mayor Lyra Heartstrings taunted, on the prowl like a shark about its prey; in her hoof was a rolled-up paper which the lime-green unicorn brandished menacingly. “Why do ye torment this government so? Dost thou thinkest that your friends shalt fish you out every damn time you get into trouble?” “Hey!” The pegasus might not have understood the bastardized Old Equestrian, but the meaning was clear enough. “I’ve told you ponies a million times, I was being interviewed for rescuing Scootaloo from the river! I didn’t know how big of a deal talking about Luna’s dream duties was going to be! I mean, everypony must know that the Princess of the Night looks into dreams- “ “Correction: everypony suspected that the Princess of the Night looked into dreams. Before this, ponies might have sensed Luna intruding into their sleep, but they had no idea if anypony else felt the same way – and nopony wants to be cornered into admitting that they fantasize about a thousand-year old mare. Now your interview has so helpfully revealed that no, everypony has felt Luna rummaging around at some point, and thus you are responsible for this huge and unnecessary debate about ‘dream privacy’ and ‘Big Government’ and so on.” Lyra leant in, shark-like demeanor only enhanced by the glistening white grin she displayed in front of the pegasus. “So tell me, Rainbow Dash, why I shouldn’t fire you on the spot?” “W-well…” the pegasus nervously thought for a few seconds. “I mean, it’s j-just Princess Luna, right?” she stammered, suddenly anxious. “I h-haven’t done anything… bad… to P- Ponyville?” “Hm.” That gave Lyra some food for thought, and she drew back. “Perhaps you might have a point. But exactly how much point will depend on the outcome of Mayor Mare’s meeting with Her Highnesses… ” * Reception Hall, Canterlot Castle, Canterlot Princess Celestia proffered a teapot. “Tea?” she asked. Mayor Mare nodded, eyes darting to the day’s edition of the Ponyville Express – EXTRA! SCOOTALOO AND RAINBOW DASH REVEAL MASS DREAM ESPIONAGE – and for once, she thought that the rag’s outrage might not be entirely unjustified. “Y-yes, please,” she replied, uneasily. The white alicorn poured out a cup of tea and proceeded to hoof it over to Princess Luna, sitting next to her. The tan pony gulped. “Let’s get to brass tacks,” the white alicorn began, reclining into her couch. “Mayor, you know full well that Equestria’s security is something that requires coordinated effort on different levels and across multiple dimensions. It’s all very well to patrol the borders and bring up the magical detectors, but if we don’t secure the somnial dimension as well, all our efforts to prevent evil from infiltrating our borders will come to naught.” “So in this light, your proposal to question me before a special committee… ” Princess Luna continued, eyes narrowing in menace, “…like I was some common provincial criminal, is deeply unpatriotic, as well as extraordinarily insulting.” Mayor Mare gulped some more, hating the feeling of clammy cold sweat gumming up the back of her neck. “But you must understand, Your Highnesses – the citizens of Ponyville have legitimate concerns about you just going in and peeking through their dreams. They find it a gross invasion of privacy.” “Hmph. Don’t be so full of yourselves!” Princess Luna stuck her muzzle in the air. “You act as though you think we’ve marked out Ponyville for a special destiny or something... in fact, your townsfolk were only caught in a broader dream-sweep that I was undertaking for the entirety of the night.” I suppose Public Relations wasn’t really an issue of concern one thousand years ago. “That would not particularly alleviate concerns over the mass espionage, Your Highness,” the tan pony explained timidly. “Please understand – the Ponyville Government is on your side, and we are in the process of punishing the whistleblower who dared leak this confidential information. But the cat’s out of the bag… and I have to be seen to be doing something about this.” If Mayor Mare’s groveling was supposed to impress the Princesses she was sorely mistaken. “Don’t talk like your slander against Miss Dash is some sort of favor to us,” Princess Celestia scolded. “That filly is only doing her best to shield Scootaloo from the witch-hunt that your press calls ‘journalistic investigation’, and all of this while we are about to entrust Twilight and her friends with momentous tasks. “But that’s all by-the-by. The point is this: we won’t apologize for spying.” Celestia emphasized each word with a sharp rap upon the coffee table. “There’s no point in Luna being Princess of the Night if she restricts her activities to pulling up the Moon and stars, like what a motorized curtain can already do. What I can assure Ponyvillians is this: as long as I am here, whatever information we collect will strictly be used for benevolent ends. On that they not only have my word for it, they have actual, concrete proof in Scootaloo and Miss Dash’s testimony.” The tan pony was increasingly despondent. “But-“ “Everypony spies on everypony else,” the white alicorn declared imperiously, levitating a sheaf of paper into the Mayor’s hooves. “If you insist on convening this… special committee, then this detailed schedule of the next few weeks will explain why neither I nor Princess Luna can present ourselves at Ponyville for questioning.” * Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville “Still can’t believe Princess Luna spies on all of us,” Mrs. Cake opined loudly without any particular audience in mind. “I mean, imagine what she saw when she entered my dreams… not that it matters; family, wholesome stuff, it is! What an invasion of privacy, dream-stealing!... Still, I suppose it’s better than what she’d find in Big Mac’s head – Cheerilee said that… “ “You see, Ma’am, everypony spies on everypony else,” Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon said. He had brought along a coffee packet containing Mare-ca beans he had ground at home, and was now stirring the mixture with a light aristocratic flair. “Information has always been a resource of extraordinary value, and the wondrous-ness of its abilities march in lockstep with the difficulty of its possession. What you term ‘spying’ is just another way of obtaining that information.” Mayor Mare glumly took her tea. “That doesn’t make it right,” she pondered. “But that’s all old news now. New news is that I’m grounded on a sandbank halfway up the creek without a paddle in a leaking boat: if I go ahead with the investigation, I make the royals angry; and if I do nothing about the case, I make the ponies angry. And I would like neither of them to be angry.” “And that’s where I – and my information – come in,” the gray stallion pointed out smugly. “In all honesty, Ma’am, you are overthinking the issue. If you accept my foundational assertion that ‘everypony spies’ – and you should – then it naturally follows that reasonable ponies must realize that they do not really possess any moral high ground on which they can climb onto and laugh at those unfortunates still wallowing in the filthy muck…“ “There is a clear difference between eavesdropping on a casual conversation and entering somepony’s mind,” Mayor Mare ventured. “Irrelevant. The methods and outcomes of the spying do not matter – you are still obtaining information from somepony without express consent,” Crimson Ribbon declared. “In any case: best to follow my lead, unless you want to solve this problem yourself. The point is that reasonable ponies should see in Princess Luna’s actions only a more powerful and less-capricious version of themselves – and they will eventually come to this conclusion, provided that they have the time to settle down and think it over. Our problem is that currently their foalish emotions, unwisely encouraged by our rambunctious press, are preventing them from settling down.” “Okay, so we have to get rid of their emotions,” the tan pony responded mirthlessly. “You could have just gotten straight to the point.” “It is the theory, Ma’am – the theory! How can you expect to execute a plan without understanding the structure that underlies it?” Crimson Ribbon exclaimed in exasperation. “But imagine a sister or a brother whom you are in competition with – one whose talents, you suspect, are vastly in excess of yours, but you have never had the evidence to prove it. Now imagine that your sibling not only provides you with said evidence, but reveals his powers so grandiosely that it makes you look like a blathering idiot! How would you feel about such a situation, in the heat of the moment?” Mayor Mare imagined it even though she knew the correct answer to give. “I’d probably feel a bit jealous, to be honest; a bit bitter. But I get your point.” “It is not a particularly difficult point to grasp, Ma’am. Everypony has that small piece of their brain in which all that jealousy and bitterness is stored; every day it throbs, waiting for the chance to strike, and when it does the whole body is seized and convulsed in a frenzy that the lesser folk would call ‘one-upmaneship’. We must release all our jealousy and bitterness and channel it into such an act.” “Alright, so an act of ’one-upmaneship’… what do you call it, by the way?” the tan pony asked instinctively. Crimson Ribbon smiled mysteriously, thinking of times long past. “Me? I call it revenge…” * Bit Coin’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville Equestrian has a phrase for those poor ponies whose private lives open them up to all sorts of blackmail: “those whose tail can be pulled”. Seen in this light, Finance Secretary Bit Coin was a veritable peacock whose long and ponderous train could not help but fan out in a glorious display, attracting the attentions of both friend and foe alike. But even the chestnut mare had her limits. And as she heard the familiar tap-tap of Lyra’s hooves against the door, and the sly, slinky creak, the pitter-patter of muffled hoofsteps on the carpet floor – Bit Coin had had enough. Dark clouds descended upon her, her eyes rolled, and in one defiant move the young mare pushed sideways on her table and spun around to meet her friendly tormentor. “I’ve had it with your blackmail, Lyra!” Bit Coin shouted, trying to put on her most determined face. “I’ve already put my career on the line by heading this stupid special committee which is supposed to be trying the Princesses, and now you want more? No, I’ll admit it: I love Delta Force – love him more than his wife ever can – and I’m not afraid to admit it in front of everypony! So threaten me all you want, but I’m-“ “Sheesh, Bit,” Lyra retorted, mouth not knowing whether to smile or curse. In her magic she held a small manila folder. “You act like everypony doesn’t already know what’s going on between you and our Security Chief. Trust me: if that was my only source of leverage, I’d have exactly zero power over you. “In any case, why are we talking leverage between friends?” the mint-green unicorn said, bringing the frightened mare into an embrace with a smarmy grin. “You see, it’s not so much leverage I hold over you… as it is about the things I do for you.” The aura around the incoming parcel disappeared, and the folder tipped over onto the desk with a thwap that betrayed its contents as a large wad of paper. “There it is, right there; your key out of this mess the Mayor put you in.” Bit Coin looked uneasily at the Deputy Mayor before scrambling to open the folder and examine the ambrosia that was inside. “’Personal Schedules of HRH the Princesses Celestia and Luna, from the period dated-‘” The chestnut pony’s eyes widened as she suddenly realized what exactly she was looking at, and they eagerly darted around to see if anything interesting was to be found on them. “Wow- oh, wow – the Princesses devote that much time to that?!” she exclaimed, looking at the lime-green unicorn with incredulous eyes. Lyra shrugged. “Alicorns need off time too, I guess,” she said nonchalantly. “Uh… wow,” Bit Coin gasped, still feeling somewhat lightheaded. “Okay, I guess this would distract the Ponyville Press for a few days, but that still leaves the question of Princess Luna’s spying unanswered…” “You twit,” Lyra groaned, putting her hoof to her face. “We’re not simply throwing the press a bone here. We’re showing our citizens that we also have the tools to spy on the Princesses. If Her Highnesses want to run roughshod over our liberties, then we are darn well going to run roughshod over theirs!” “You’re telling me that Mayor Mare stole- “ “Of course she didn’t, you dummy. You think our Mayor is capable of that? Obviously the Princesses just gave her those schedules to excuse themselves from appearing at your committee – but intelligent ponies work with what they’ve got.” At that point Lyra puffed out her chest, as if it was she who had been said intelligent pony. The Finance Secretary turned the schedules over, eyes squinting as if scrutinizing some treasure map. “What about Rainbow Dash?” she asked. “Spring turns to summer, Sun comes after rain, and Rainbow Dash will inevitably do something that will allow us to fire her.” “Uh-huh,” Bit Coin said, examining the devious paper before her one last time. “You know, Lyra: I’m not sure if what we’re doing will actually help the cause of personal privacy…” “Oh? Is that so?” The Deputy Mayor raised an inquiring eyebrow. “Well, of course you’d be interested in the cause of personal privacy, considering that you and Delta Force-“ Celestia darn it! “Oh all right, all right.”