***
Celestia bobbed and weaved her head in tune with the sweet sounds of a jaunty piano, her body rising and falling with the swells of chello that accompanied the mischievous, elegant ivory-keyed main act. Her eyes shut, she didn't notice the pony slipping into the room with her to appreciate the vinyl echos of a distant era. Suddenly her hooves were up, and she was bumping and moving to the beat of the cheery tune with a quick and elegant sway. She decided to keep her eyes closed instead, letting the pony's deft hands and sweet steps gently guide their bodies to the music. The track ran to its close, and at last she opened her eyes. "I didn't take you for a fan of Ragtime, Twili--" She found herself staring into the mismatched, pinprick eyes and incredibly bushy eyebrows of a very different subject of hers. "Oh. It's you."
"Yes," the draconequus deadpanned. "Oh," he dropped Celestia like a ton of bricks, mimicking her disgust. "It's me." Celestia dusted herself off, bracing herself for the inevitable request.
"How may I be of assistance?"
"I never said I wanted anything." Discord was quick to look away, his lower lip quickly swallowing up his singular fang in a pout.
"You never stop by to chat. Not unless it's some kind of test of character." Celestia raised an eyebrow, studying the former villain's face.
"I bring you gifts. Flowers, a nice card for the Gala. Maybe I'm asking for one of those." Discord suddenly jumped up from the floor and gave Celestia his best smile. "Where is Dearest Twilight, anyway? Off dealing with griffonic trade embargos?" Discord yawned, a large trail of fliers following the carbon dioxide out from his cavernous orifice. "Sorting out those border tensions with the Yaks again? Those do get awkward." Discord hid a spear and shield behind Celestia's right flank and gave a "shhhh". Celestia batted them away with a wing, then fixed him with a glare.
"Most likely she's taking court right now, or perhaps adventuring with her friends in accordance with their recently acquired map. I don't actually keep a constant tab on her. She's my lover, not a dog in need of housebreaking. You might wish to speak with Fluttershy, who sees her more regularly." Celestia stretched her wings. "Will that be all?"
"'More regularly?' How regularly do you see her? About half as often as Nightmare Moon?" Discord rolled his eyes. "You certainly show the mountains you'd move for each other in time spent together. You practically wear your feelings for each other on your sleeves." Discord pulled on a piece of cloth that had materialized itself around Celestia's wristbone. He pondered the words emblazoned across its surface, which read "I.O.U."
"Where are you going with this, Discord?" Celestia's eyes narrowed, her wings raising in warning.
Discord gave a smirk and a wink. "Wherever you wish, my dear. Time is something that I seem to have much of on my side." He swept his arm around himself, gaining a well-pressed suit, deluxe top hat and polished wooden cane. His other arm came up to showcase a sizeable silver watch. "But you must admit it--that smoldering glare, the way your wings raise ever so quickly, the way your heart is beating. We do have such tension whenever we meet, don't we? So much passion, where right now you have so much vacancy." Celestia's jaw actually dropped, then firmed up to jut out with the rest of her face like hard steel.
"Discord, if this is the request I think it is, then the answer is an emphatic no. Not ever." Celestia paused for a minute. "Did I make you consider...this? Was this your initiative, or were you misreading my signals. Yes, Twilight and I have to work hard to be together. Yes, I am enjoying your continued attempts to be more social and open up to others. No, these two things should never be mistaken as signs of my waning affection for her. If we did not want to be together, why would we be working so hard?"
"You've worked hard all your life, both you and her, my dear. Call it second nature. But tell me--does she ever bring a smile to your face? Could she ever make you laugh like me?"
"Did you even watch me whilst you were impersonating her?" Celestia's wings folded back, and for a minute she was smiling again. "I have many smiles, Discord. But the ones I save for her are all my brightest."
Discord glowered. "And what did she ever do to deserve it? Fuss at you? Boss you around with that tinny little voice of hers? Is that what you like? Being a cog in her machine?"
Celestia giggled her tinkling laugh. "I'm afraid you have it quite opposite. She enjoys living under my orders. Or did you think I grew up under Princess Twilight?" Celestia's smile remained unchanged. "She is merely a more zealous version of me, and everything you hate about her has its roots in the relationship I have with her. If anything, you should be squaring your proposition at her."
Discord gagged.
"But I'll grant you this, Discord. If this was a masquerade, another mentor session, it has worked its magic well. You've worked up my courage." She slipped across the plush floors of her room, over to the record player. "That's the crucial part of starting a relationship, Discord. You have to both have something the other wants. And nothing you could offer me, my dear, is anything that I would wish for."
Discord lifted up his hat with the tip of his cane, stammering. "N-nothing? But you can't mean that! I can give you anything. And I would, you know, though it wouldn't come quick or easy." He gave a knowing wink. "Things are never done the simple way with me."
She gave a smile, sad though it was. "The things I want are more abstract than that. Friends, security, a loving family. These are the things I love most of all. Order, prosperity, freedom. Things a recovering tyrant with a love of madness is only just beginning to understand. Tell me, what do you think of Equestria? As a country? A people?"
Discord gave a sigh. "Oh, if we must talk about them. Yes, your darling subjects. Boring, judgemental and self-righteous whelps if ever there were any."
"Also called contented, close-knit and moral. But thank you for your high opinion of my life's work." Celestia's eye glimmered. "Now, what was that about knowing what I want and how I think?"
Discord balked. "Errr, yes, well." He pulled on the rim of his hat and gave an awkward cough. "When you put it like that..."
"Is it any wonder I was won over by the pony I could most easily name my heir? You look at my beloved subjects and see an enemy. She looks at them and sees cherished companions." Celestia looked over at Discord at last, eyes still showing sympathy. "But I don't think it's me you want, is it? It's just somebody. Isn't it? It could be anypony under the skies."
Discord scoffed. "It doesn't matter what I want. It's not like you'd even know." Discord snapped his coat away. "No, you're right. If it is all about this needing and wanting business, I guess that's one train-wreck I'd like to step to one side of. I thought it was about fun. Flings. Energy. Not what you need from someone." Discord threw the cane away bitterly.
"What you get from your own relationship is your own business. But you can't have mine." She gave him a wink for his troubles. "No matter how much you beg."
"Right-o." Discord blew a raspberry. He put the top hat in his hands, holding it over his chest and looking at Celestia like a lost puppy. "I guess I'll be on my way. But, err, before I do. Why were you listening to music? Most times I see you you're reading, with friends or playing some strategy games. When you aren't working. New hobby?"
Celestia gave one of those 'most cherished smiles' she had mentioned earlier. "No. I was looking for music to propose to. Thank you, though, for giving me some excellent material to work with."