"Heh," Firedancer chuckled. "I saw that one coming."
Phoenix, Dan, Spike and Sombra turned to him.
"You saw that one coming?" Dan asked. "You already knew he had those creepy eyes and was in on the plan to wipe out humanity?"
"Well, I knew about the humanity part," FD said. "I mean, I'm against it now that I've met you guys but I knew prosecutor Payne was hired by Vice Grip. He handles all the legal stuff with FIST and was helping Vice pass new laws in the Crystal Empire. Err, Steel Empire."
"Ah, so taking him out will take out FIST's legal side?" Dan surmised, grinning.
"It'll definitely make it harder for them to interpret and write laws," Phoenix said.
Dan rubbed his chin. "And didn't he like just admit to attempted genocide in a courtroom? During the proceedings of another trial?"
"I believe he most certainly did," Sombra said. "At least for Vice Grip, if not himself."
"HEY SCHOOL BUS! You hear that?" Dan shouted across the courtroom at Payne. "We got you on the record with your holocaust scheme! Who just got turned about now?!"
But Payne only smirked in response. He returned his shades to their position on his brow, smugly looking down as if considering new information. "Oh? And what if my words were misinterpreted?"
Dan stared blankly back at the prosecutor. "How the hell do you misinterpret wiping out all humans? Except us because we're here?"
"Ah, that. Well, what I actually meant when I said that Vice was going to-"
"Save it," Phoenix interrupted. "Dan, he's just going to twist things around until we can't be sure what he really meant."
"He's full of shit," Dan stated. He pointed at the prosecutor "You're full of shit! Wait, what's that thing I can do? Oh yeah, I CALL BULLSHIT!"
Amazingly, Dan's valorous declaration of bullshit was just as effective at silencing the courtroom as if Phoenix Wright had raised an objection. Unfortunately, it wasn't legal.
"Um… do you mean you object?" the judge asked. "This is a proper court of law, Mr. Dan, and I will require you to follow the proper proceedings!"
"Fine. OBJECTION!" Again, the room was stunned. "Honor, that guy is full of shit!"
The judge was silent. The court, the jury, everyone who wasn't Dan took a full moment to process what he said. Finally, the judge asked, "And exactly… what do you mean by that, Mr. Dan? How is the prosecutor, um… ple-please explain what you mean by that statement."
Dan held up a folded piece of paper. "He just said his client, Vice Grip, WASN'T planning on wiping out humanity. Yet I have here evidence of that he is indeed developing weapons with the intent of attacking Earth!"
[Master Gear VG Blueprint added to the Court Record.]
The judge looked over the paper. "It's… it's a giant robot pony?" he asked.
"Yes, your honor. One of many he's planning on using to attack and wipe out humanity with, as he so eloquently put it," Phoenix said.
"It's… it's adorable!" the judge proclaimed. "Are they available for purchase?"
"JUDGE!" the defense yelled.
"Oh, right. Prosecution! This does indeed seem to be some sort of doomsday contraption. The implication here is undeniable! What do you have to say about this?"
Again, Payne just smirked. "What? Vice is going to wipe out humanity. Destroy all but about two million humans the Director has some sick obsession with leaving Earth devoid of life and civilization."
"Ah HA!" Dan shouted. "So you admit it!"
"I never tried to deny it," Payne said.
"I-" Dan stopped. Slowly, his hand and accusatory finger lowered to the defense bench. His mouth closed shut.
"You didn't give me a chance to defend myself- to twist the truth, as Phoenix Wright claimed. But I never intended to," Payne said slyly. He rose his gaze to both of them. "Every moment you waste here, Vice gets closer to finally rendering justice on your entire pathetic race. You see, it was I and the Director who judged humanity- and most were found guilty. If not for her decision, you'd all receive the same sentence but for some reason I have yet to understand, she wants to bring about two million humans called 'bronies' over here. More than likely to experiment on. So no, I never hid my intentions, Mr. Dan. I just waited for you to stumble across them."
The judge's eyes were as wide as saucers. "Does this mean he's guilty?"
"He just admitted to attempted genocide! Conspiracy to commit GENOCIDE! Collaborating with known war criminals with the intent to commit GENOCIDE!" Phoenix exclaimed. "Even I couldn't get him a not guilty verdict after that! And I wouldn't want to!" (I'm going to regret saying this if I ever have to defend someone accused of genocide.)
"Well, that does seem to clear things up! I hereby judge the uh, prosecution-"
"Guilty?" Payne asked. "Why? I'm not the one on trial."
Phoenix, Dan, the entire defense team felt their hearts collectively sink to the pits of their stomachs.
"Oh, right," the judge said. "He does have a point, Mr. Wright."
Phoenix turned to Dan. "Strangle me. Just strangle me, Dan. Do it now while they're not looking so you don't get arrested for it."
"I only strangle those that deserve it, Nicky," Dan said. "And I don't strangle friends, family or casual acquaintances who tend to give me free stuff."
"Good to know."
"Well, I believe we should begin with the proceedings of the current trial, then," the judge announced. "This trial is to determine the actions of Sombra this past week in the Crystal Empire! He is accused of attempting to destroy the Crystal Heart, a sacred magical artifact that would also endanger the Crystal Empire and all of Equestria! Not only that, he is also accused of trespassing, breaking and entering, destruction of property and resisting arrest!"
"Ha, sounds like stuff I usually get charged for," Dan remarked.
"We will now hear opening statements from the prosecution!"
Writhe N. Payne looked up. "Thank you, Baldy."
"Errm, Baldy?"
"He means you, Judge," Phoenix said.
"Oh," the judge said, surprised. "Actually, my name is-"
"Just a few nights ago, the Heartview Mall, located just under the Steel Palace itself was invaded by the former tyrant, King Sombra. Between the hours of 8:00p.m. and 9:00p.m. when the mall closes, security registered one Sombra entering the vicinity and attempting to destroy the artifact known as the Crystal Heart."
[Heartview Mall hours of operation added to the Court Record.]
Payne chuckled as he adjusted his shades again. "And because any damage to the Crystal Heart can have repercussions for all of Equestria, the prosecution demands the additional charge of attempted genocide be levied onto the defendant as well!"
The jury erupted into indignant and unintelligible murmurs. The judge banged his gavel. "Order! Mr. Payne, do you have any evidence that causing such harm to this artifact would indeed endanger all of Equestria?"
"As a matter of fact, we do, your honor," the yellow stallion held up a disc. "This security recording represents evidence of not only Sombra's attempted genocide but his PAST attempts to destroy harmony in Equestria! All for his own thirst for power!"
"I see," the judge said. "You will have to replay this recording in order to submit it as evidence."
Payne smirked. "But of course, I intend to do just that, your honor."
An eighteen-inch television set was wheeled into the courtroom on top of a shelving cart. Payne inserted the disc into the DVD player underneath it and turned the television on.
"For your consideration, the prosecution submits this video as exhibit A!"
The video began with Vice Grip standing in front of a standup mic, dancing to an upbeat and strangely familiar pop 80s song.
"We're no strangers to love…"
"Oh mai gawd."
"You know the rules~ And I do too~
Copyright violation's what I'm thinking of~
But this is a parody so please don't sue!"
"Order! Order!!" the judge banged his gavel. "Mr. Payne! What is the meaning of submitting a music video as evidence?"
The yellow pony turned off the DVD player. "Ah, I apologize, your honor." He removed the disc and turned it over, examining it. "It must've been on the other side of the disc. I'm sorry for the mix up," Payne said. He inserted the disc into the DVD player again.
The video began with Vice Grip standing in front of a standup mic, dancing to an upbeat and strangely familiar pop 80s song.
"We're no strangers to love…"
"ORDER!! ORDER!!!" the judge banged his gavel furiously. "MR. PAYNE! The prosecution is ordered to stop Rick Rolling this courtroom!"
Payne panicked. Sweat poured down his face and he frantically tried to remove the disc once again. "I… I don't understand it! This was supposed to be a security recording!"
"It's surprising what you can pick up at the mall, isn't it, prosecutor?" a voice asked from the front of the courtroom.
Dan and Phoenix turned to see Lightning Claw standing in the doorway. "Having some technical difficulties?"
"Lightning Claw?" Dan asked.
"What are you doing here?" Phoenix followed up.
Lightning turned to them as he approached the bench. "You remember when I told you to be ready for a signal?"
"Yeah."
"Well, stay ready," Lightning said.
"What's the meaning of this?" Payne asked. "You! You're Vice Grip's security officer. What are you doing here?"
"I just wanted to inform the courtroom that the security cameras weren't active during the time of Sombra's arrest," Lightning said.
Payne's face practically went white.
More murmurs erupted from the jury forcing the judge to bang his gavel to quiet them.
"Please, explain yourself Mr. Claw."
Lightning approached the judge. "Well, your honor, the security system of the Crystal Empire has been shorted out for the past week due to some sort of odd electrical interference," he cast a sly grin at Payne. "We've been unable to identify the source." A band of electricity rippled between Lightning's wings, causing Payne's jaw to drop.
"I see. Well, this would indicate that the prosecution's evidence… whatever video evidence he could provide would not be admissible as evidence if it was tied into a faulty system!" the judge said.
"Yes indeed, your honor," the indigo stallion said. "Not only that," he approached Payne in front of the t.v set. "I don't believe you were authorized to remove mall property." The music video disc levitated up from Payne's hoof and over to Lightning. "You wouldn't happen to have a receipt for this, would you?"
Payne glared at Lightning Claw. "You son of a bitch."
Lightning smiled. "Nah, I'm just an 80s fan. And you just got turned about."