Once Upon A Time…
In a little farm on the outskirts of town there lived a mother pig and her three little piglets. Born and raised in captivity, the little piglets knew nothing of the outside world, though each of them wished to explore it. When they had come of age, they bade their mother farewell and ventured into the unknown.
The youngest pig was called Rainbow Pig…
What do you mean no, Pinkie?
“Is that really the best you can do? ‘Rainbow Pig’? I mean obviously we know it’s supposed to be a pun on Rainbow Dash but you COULD be a little more original you know.”
Alright how about Rainswine Dash?
Well how about YOU suggest something.
“Me? Oh I have no idea. It’s a shame her name isn’t easy to pun like mine is.”
Oh really? And what is your pig name? Pinkie Pig?
“No silly! Oinkie Pie!”
(sigh) Of course it is. Well, if you have no further suggestions I guess that means Rainbow Pig will have to stay.
“Wait wait wait! How about Rainbow Snout? Curly-Tail Dash? Rainbow Oink-Oink!”
We’re keeping Rainbow Pig, Pinkie.
“Wait, I’ve got it! Swinebow Dash!”
“Eiw it sounds weird when you say it. Rainbow Pig it is!”
(clears throat) The youngest pig was called Rainbow Pig and she longed for adventure. The middle pig was called Applehog and she sought her fortune. The eldest pig was called Sparkle Swine and she wanted knowledge.
“Wait what about me?”
You’re not in this story Pinkie Pie.
“OINKIE PIE! And what do you mean I’m not in this story? I wasn’t in the last one either! And my name is the perfect pun for a pig, you HAVE to let me in the story!”
Oinkie we’re moving on with the story and if you don’t stop interrupting I’m going to send you back to the bad pinkie corner.
“N-not that! Anything but that! (zips lip)”
Does this mean you’re going to be quiet?
When the three little pigs had traveled a great distance into the forest they grew weary and decided it was time to build their homes. Rainbow Pig was the first of the trio to spot the building materials she desired.
“I’m going to build my house of cloud, of that I can be proud!” Rainbow Pig declared.
“Cloud? Why cloud?” Applehog asked.
“Do you really have to ask? It’s such a simple task! I can’t work all day, I want to play! There’s a lot in this world to see, I traveled here because I want to be free. You two can spend your time as you please, but building my house is a breeze!” Rainbow Pig said.
“Did I just hear you rhyme?! Do we have to do it all the time? Ponyfeathers I did it too… please tell me this can’t be true!” Applehog exclaimed.
“Rainbow Pig don’t fool around; danger is sure to be abound! A big bad Rariwolf is near; if you see her you must run in fear! She terrorizes the forest animals too, what if she happens upon you?” Sparkle Swine cautioned.
“Wait a minute, I don’t understand… how and when did YOU hear about this Rariwolf? We lived on a secluded farm and traveled this distance together.” Applehog pointed out
“Huh?” Rainbow Pig asked
“We don’t know what you’re saying, I’m afraid it’s very dismaying.” Sparkle Swine added.
“Oh, right, it has to be a rhyme. Uh… the wolf that you spoke of sounds frightening but… how did you know that? I need some… enlightening… yeah, that rhymes.” Applehog said.
“Aw give it a rest Sparkle Swine! You worry too much, I’ll be fine! Do I even look like I’m scared? If that wolf comes I’ll be prepared! A house made of cloud is sure to last, not to mention I can make it really fast! You two can go on your way, I’m going to finish first and play! ” Rainbow Pig said, wandering away from her sisters to begin the building of her cloud house.
The two remaining pigs walked along the path together until they happened upon some apple trees.
“There sure are a lot of apples in these stories. I know I’m from an apple family, but I’m not opposed to some change now and again. But that’s not how the story goes I suppose.” Applehog muttered.
“Hey Sparkle Swine, see those apples and sticks? I bet for a house they’d make a good… mix. Maybe I should build my home here, then I won’t have to live in fear. You know, of the wolf? ”
“But Applehog, sticks alone won’t provide you protection! I implore you to make a different selection! It may seem like a good idea now, but what if the wolf’s on the prowl? Don’t you know what wolves like to eat? A plump little pig is their treat!” Sparkle Swine cautioned.
“When I was a wolf I only ate apples… uh, but, maybe this one is different like… chapels” Applehog said, scrambling to think of a rhyme.
“Rariwolf terrorizes all that she sees, and can trap her prey with such ease. ” Sparkle Swine added.
“Where in the hay are you getting your information!? It’s like you’re an all-knowing… train station… I don’t know I can’t rhyme for apples sake.” Applehog said in exasperation.
“I can see that I can’t change your mind, my advice you have surely declined. I can only hope you’ll be safe and sound if the wolf ever comes around. If you need me I’ll be just down the way, busily working all day.” Sparkle Swine said, continuing along the path searching for the right material to build a sturdy home.
“That still doesn’t answer my question! If you don’t I’m gonna… get indigestion!” Applehog shouted followed with a quiet “Wait what?”
Rainbow Pig spent a mere hour shaping her home from cloud. Everything from the sink to the bed was crafted in cloud material, even down to the welcome mat that was too light to rest on the forest floor and hovered instead near the cloud door.
“Did you do that on purpose?”
Do what on purpose?
“You rhymed! Right there! Floor and Door!”
It was just a coincidence Pinkie.
“Does it spread? Am I going to have to start rhyming all the time too? WHAT IF I CANT THINK OF ANYTHING THAT RHYMES WITH GUMMY? Tummy… yummy… Nevermind, I can work with that.”
Once she had finished her task, Rainbow Pig spent the rest of her afternoon exploring the forest and lazing about where she pleased.
Applehog spent a little more time on the construction of her home. She had gathered all the materials she needed from the forest floor and had built four walls and a roof from the twigs and sticks she found. She used the apples from these trees to hold the house together both as a paste and as a foundation.
Sparkle Swine had finally settled on brick and concrete paste for her home, and though it took the longest to build, she was sure it was going to be safe and sturdy against the wolf and any other kind of danger that would be lurking in the woods.
A few days went by and life seemed good for the three pig sisters. That was until the Big Bad Rariwolf had found them. She was passing through the wood and stopped with a gasp. She gazed in horror at the little cloud house before her.
“This is TERRIBLE! Simply DREADFUL!” Rariwolf cried, circling around the cloud cottage and becoming increasingly upset as she did so.
“What… what is… what in THE FAIRYING FOREST have I stumbled upon? Oh dear… is this a house made of cloud? Who makes a house out of cloud?! Of all the fabulous things in this forest.. jewels for example, she chose the unstable state of water as a gaseous formation? ABSURD! Why… why is there a chimney? Good heavens if she tries to cook something the entire thing would rain! It’s not even touching the ground! How is she even IN THERE? She’s a pig not a pigeon! Is… is that supposed to be some kind of attempt at architectural design? It’s not symmetrical! What is this little tuft here supposed to be? It’s just hanging out the side for no purpose at all? No no no, I cannot let this be. I’m going to have a stern talking to the owner about this disaster she deems suitable living quarters.”
Rariwolf huffed to herself and tapped gently on the door. However, when she did so, her paw went straight through the door instead.
“OH FOR CELESTIA’S SAKE!” She grumbled, then composed herself, calling out for Rainbow Pig.
“Little pig little pig? Might I come in?”
Rariwolf’s request startled Rainbow Pig, who had been sleeping on a little cloud bed inside. She peeked out the window and trembled when she saw the wolf.
“Uh… the pig that you seek is no longer here, maybe you can come back and try again next year?”
“Next YEAR? Don’t be ridiculous darling, this atrocity must be dealt with immediately. I may be a wolf, but I have standards you know. In case you haven’t noticed, this isn’t your stereotypical forest. I work very hard keeping it fabulous and fairy-tale themed. Now, seeing how you are a pig and so clearly lack the intelligence to create something that isn’t… sloppy, I am willing to give you another chance. You can’t help it darling, it’s genetic. Let me in and we can go over some proper stereotypical forest homes. How do you feel about foreboding caves and large mystical-looking hollow trees?” Rariwolf asked
“You can’t fool me, you’re just a hungry beast! If I let you in here you would make me your feast!” Rainbow Pig said in distain.
“You… you think I’m a BEAST?” Rariwolf said with a tremble in her voice.
“All you wolves are the same, you’re just a big pain! You’re loathsome and fearsome, ugly and vain.” Rainbow Pig summarized.
Rariwolf’s eyes watered and her lower lip quivered until all at once she burst into tears and let out a loud howling cry and a great gust of wind. The force of the howl shook the leaves on the trees and even caused the ground to quake. All at once Rainbow Pig’s cloud cottage was swept away leaving nothing but the little pig herself sitting in the open forest floor.
“Y-you… you… you think I’m UGLY?! It’s my MANE isn’t it? It clashes with my fur OH WOE IS ME!”
With each new howl Rainbow Pig slid along the forest floor, trying in vain to resist the force of Rariwolf’s huffing and puffing. When Rariwolf finally stopped, Rainbow Pig ran as fast as her little pig legs were able towards her sister Applehog’s house.
“COME BACK HERE AT ONCE! I DEMAND AN APOLOGY!” Rariwolf said, pursuing Rainbow Pig angrily. Rainbow Pig squealed in terror and didn’t stop until she reached the apple-twig house. She knocked frantically at the door, saying
“Applehog, the wolf! She’s behind me moving fast! Please let me in so I’ll be safe from her at last!”
Applehog hurriedly unlocked her door and let her sister inside. By the time Rariwolf arrived, the door was already shut and locked. She growled out of breath and still somehow managed another gasp of horror.
“What.. what even IS THIS? Is… is this a house made of apples and twigs? How disgustingly uncouth! Those apples will rot and the walls will crumble, not to mention it will attract all sorts of… ugh… icky little creatures. And what is this, I can SEE you both trembling in there, look I could reach my paw in at you if I so desired! This is dreadful! LTTLE PIGS! I DEMAND YOU ALLOW ME INSIDE YOUR… YOUR… TWIG HUT AT ONCE! DO YOU HEAR ME? LET ME IN!”
“Not by the hair on our chiny-chin chins!” Rainbow Pig called out through the window of the twig house.
“Wait a moment, are you saything there is hair… on your chins? Oh my celestia… I need a fainting couch… WOLF SPIKE!”
From somewhere unknown a little wolf appeared struggling as he pulled with him a rather elaborate-looking couch to where Rariwolf was standing. She positioned herself then resumed her dramatic faint, sprawling her body on the couch with a paw to her head. The little wolf smiled and opened his mouth to speak but Rariwolf put a paw on his mouth to stop him.
“No no, dear. This is my scene and I refuse to share it. There are no lines for you here, go away until I need you again.”
The little wolf frowned and quietly disappeared back into the forest.
From inside the twig house, Rainbow Pig clung to the back of Applehog’s legs shaking in fear. Applehog on the other hoof seemed relaxed if not a bit annoyed.
“Well EXCUSE me miss wolf for not designing my make-shift home to your specifications!” Applehog said impatiently.
“MY specifications? Take a look around you uncultured SWINE, how many homes do you see using apples to hold together their walls?” Rariwolf demanded.
“I think that means I get points for creativity, I don’t need no ‘Big Bad Wolf’ tellin’ me ‘bout apples!” Applehog countered.
“What. did. you. call. ME? Rariwolf asked, gritting her teeth and seething with anger.
“I called you exactly what you are, a Big. Bad. Wolf.” Applehog replied, tauntingly.
“Is that some kind of FAT JOKE?”
“I think we know who has the bigger flank here.”
“Oh, you. are. FINISHED!” Rariwolf screamed, letting out a strong gust of breath as she did so. The twig hut swayed and some of the apples holding it together came loose.
“Oh no not again, she did this to me, soon this apple hut will be nothing but debri!” Rainbow Pig said in fear.
“No pig calls ME FAT!” Rariwolf declared with another breathy wind. Applehog and Rainbow Pig screamed as the apple twig house was blown to pieces. Standing in front of the frightened pair, Rariwolf’s once coiffed mane was in tatters as was her fur and tail. The rage clearly stamped on her face and there was a certain glint of danger in her eyes.
“Uh… I think it’s best we run now…” Applehog whispered to Rainbow Pig.
“What do we do? I can’t understand you!” Rainbow Pig replied.
“But you can understand her just fine without a freaking rhyme? TAKE A HINT, LET US SPRINT! Hey, that wasn’t too bad”
Applehog and Rainbow Pig hurried along the path towards Sparkle Swine’s brick house. They knocked frantically at her door begging to be let inside.
“Sparkle Swine let us in, there’s a mad wolf on the loose! If you don’t hurry up she’ll… get our caboose.” Applehog pleaded.
“A mad wolf you say? Quick, get inside! I have just the place where you two can hide.” Sparkle Swine said, ushering her sisters inside before Rariwolf could reach them.
Unlike before, Rariwolf was not hot on their trail. Instead, she was lounging on her fainting couch while little wolf struggled to pull her along the dirt path to the third pig’s house. Once they had arrived, she patted the little wolf on the head and cut him off before he could say a word.
“Yes yes, you’re a wonderful help to me. Now perhaps you could be so kind as to fetch me an oatnilla shake, hmm?”
Little wolf smiled and nodded, disappearing again out of sight.
“And what horrendous architectural work must I endure this time?” Rariwolf said inspecting the brick house curiously. She blinked a few times and wandered around the house taking in all its little details.
“Proper foundation, solid walls, appropriately placed windows… ooo this IS an improvement after all! I simply love the little window boxes and the bird feeder is a nice touch. The roof shingles are laid properly, the chimney looks clean and appropriately sized. I love the white trim on the window sills. Everything is perfectly aligned… I’ve never SEEN such attention to detail. Oh my yes, this IS a wonderful house! It’s a shame that it’s not stereotypically fairy-tale designed so it’s going to have to go. Pity.”
Rariwolf approached the door of the brick house and knocked lightly.
“Little pigs little pigs let me come in! But please do not talk about unsightly chin hair.”
“Away with you, wolf! You have no place here. We will not run away in fear. This brick dwelling I’ve made was built to be strong. I think it is best that you move along.” Sparkle Swine said from within.
“Listen here little piglet, I’m not going to play games. I demand and deserve apologies from your two rude swine siblings for their brutish behavior! Now I can appreciate this charming little house you have built, but it simply does not fit the theme of the forest now does it? Either you let me in or I will huff and puff and blow it away!” Rariwolf threatened.
“Apologize to a wolf? You should apologize to us! You’re the one who is making a fuss! You destroyed our homes and drove us inside, no matter what you say we’re just going to hide.” Rainbow Pig said.
Rariwolf growled knowing she couldn’t change their minds. She didn’t want to do things the hard way but these unreasonable pigs weren’t cooperating. Rariwolf sucked in a breath and then let it all loose as a great howling whine.
“Do you think it’s EASY being a fashion-concious wolf? NO! and no matter what I try I can’t seem to match anything properly with my fur! Not to mention the fact that it’s up to ME to make sure everything else looks nice. And it DID before YOU little pigs cluttered up the forest with your BAD TASTE and your RIDICULOUS RHYMES!”
“At least I’m not the only one who doesn’t get the rhyming.” Applehog muttered.
Rariwolf was starting to run out of breath, she panted and stared unbelieving at the brick house which remained strong and unmoved.
“Your huffing and puffing will get you nowhere! This brick cannot topple, I built it with care. Take your bad deeds and villainous ways and leave us alone for the rest of our days!” Sparkle Swine said triumphantly.
“Villainous ways? What are you talking about? I’ve never harmed a creature in my life!” Rariwolf objected.
“Shhh don’t listen to her, she’s totally gobbled up all kinds of creatures.”
Pinkie Pie? … Pinkie Pie I know you’re in there! PINKIE PIE?? Oh… right... OINKIE PIE
What are you doing?!? Have you been the one telling them stories about Rariwolf?!
But none of them are true! Do you realize what you’ve been doing?!
“What kind of story is the three little pigs and the nice wolf? That’s not entertaining! I’m just making things a little more… fun!”
What… but… now the pigs hate her and two of the houses have been destroyed! How is that fun?!
“I’ve read the story, I know how this goes! Now comes the part where she climbs down the chimney and burns her flank in the boiling water and runs off never to be seen again!”
Not anymore she doesn’t. I’m very disappointed in you Pin-- Oinkie Pie. I think it’s time you learned your lesson for spreading lies about somepony else!
Sparkle Swine turned to their new acquaintance Oinkie Pie and gave her a stern glare.
“Oinkie Pie what you’ve done is terribly rude, I think it’s been you who started this feud! You told me your lies until I believed, I must say this makes me terribly peeved.”
“Wait, are you saying it’s been Pin-- Oinkie Pie that’s started this mess? ...Why doesn’t this surprise me?” Applehog asked.
“Lies? What lies? You’re saying it’s not true? All those terrible things you said the wolf can do?” Rainbow Pig said in shock.
“Haha… well you see… I’m just trying to make the story more fun, you know? I-its not fun at all if the wolf is nice all the time.”
“Don’t you think maybe we should apologize to Rariwolf?” Applehog asked.
“Huh?” Rainbow Pig said.
“OH COME ON! You can understand Rariwolf AND Oinkie Pie when they don’t rhyme but not me?!” Applehog exclaimed.
While the pigs squabbled inside, Rariwolf fell back on her fainting couch trying to catch her breath after her failed attempt to breach the brick dwelling. She was surprised when the door suddenly flung open and a pig she didn’t recognized was launched out, soaring through the sky before crash-landing in a tree nearby.
“Well. That was… unexpected.” Rariwolf muttered.
“Rariwolf it seems we may have been wrong, we’ve just learned that we’ve been deceived all along. Some pig had told lies to make you sound scary, and come to find out you’re simply ordinary.” Sparkle Swine said, approaching Rariwolf cautiously.
“I’m WHAT?” Rariwolf gasped.
“What she means is we heard some bad things about you from some pig we didn’t know and come to find out they weren’t all that true… uh… what rhymes with know… go, flow, slow, grow…” Applehog said, struggling to finish her rhyme.
“Can we start over? let’s try this once more. Please, do come inside, we humbly implore.” Sparkle Swine said.
So after a long afternoon of apologies and planning, Rariwolf and the three pigs finally came to an understanding with each other. An agreement was reached that satisfied both the pigs’ need for shelter and the wolf’s preference for properly-themed property. The three little pigs learned not to trust the word of a stranger, especially one as bubbly and out of place as Oinkie Pie.
Rariwolf learned nothing. Her assumption that pigs are gullible and unreasonable proved once again to be true. We can all thank Oinkie for that one.
And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Oinkie. Who’s still grounded in the bad OINKIE corner.