So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes a crab. Yes, a crab. I am not even kidding.
I stared at the crab and the damn thing stares right back at me with its demented yellow eyes.
“Wait a sec”, I thought to myself, “Crabs don’t….”
Before I even finished that thought, the crab’s shell splits right open and out comes confetti. At this point I knew who it was. I mean, there was only one creature insane enough to pull a stunt like this.
The confetti suddenly starts swirling around, forming the draconequus shape. In mere seconds, Discord popped out of the confetti, laughing maniacally while lightning struck all around him. Suffice to say it caused a fire and all of my customers evacuated as fast as they could.
“OI!” I yelled, as I attempted to put out the fire “What did I tell you about indoor lightning?!”
“Relax,” Discord waved his talon, causing the fire to become nothing more than dazzling sparkles, “I just wanted to make things more fun around here. Plus, all those nosy eyes were rather unnecessary.”
As he said that a pair of eyeballs with a nose floated around his head. It even sniffed my moustache.
“Bug off, you bugger,” I shooed at the abomination. Discord laughed and just ate it. I tried to shake the memory out of my mind.
“So, what’ll it be?” I asked the crazed draconequui, while trying to straighten my bowtie. I paid good money for that thing and the last I needed was this bloak messing it up.
“I’ll have the fillybuster slamdunker, please”, Discord said. I had absolutely no idea what the hay he was talking about.
He must have noticed my confusion because he appeared right besides me, all gussied up in, what appeared to be, my outfit. He even had my moustache!
“Let’s see what you got here”, he said and started taking out bottles from my precious alcohol shelf. He snapped his tail and conjured upa cauldron in which he began pouring those bottles. I can’t recall what exactly he took, but I noticed that he took some absinthe, vodka, beer, snail sludge (it’s surprisingly marketable if you say it has cleansing properties to the body), beer and some of my unidentifiable liquids that have been here for over a year and have probably spoiled by now. I call them ‘Vintage flavors’.
He began to mix all these beverages together, all the while throwing in some green, black and orange goo, that I had never seen before.
“And for the crème de la crème”, he said and ripped my moustache right off. I was furious, but it grew back in just three seconds. Yeah, it does that at times.
His attire changed from fake bartender to fake chef as he cooked up his concoction and served it to himself.
“And that, my dear Angelo, is a fillybuster slamdunker”, he said and started to eat his drink. Trust me; I stopped asking about it when he began.
“So, what brings you to my tavern?” I asked.
“I am in a bit of a pickle, shall we say”, Discord said, while appearing to be literally stuck inside a pickle.
“What’s wrong?” I asked “Is Fluttershy being to nice to you again?”
He snapped his fingers together and a goat stood atop my head. I just smirked.
“You’re losing your touch,” I joked.
“It’s that stupid Ahuizotl,” Discord yelled “He’s been messing up my game ever since he got here!”
“Wait, Ahuizotl is in Ponyville?” I exclaimed surprised “When did that happen?”
“It was something Daring Do petitioned for,” Discord said resentfully “Apparently those tree hugging hippies that protected Ahuizotl wanted better treatment for him and all of a sudden MY Fluttershy has to take care of him! It’s enough I had to deal with Mr. Spoiledbunny, but now I have this oversized fleabag taking my spot”, he exclaimed furiously.
I could see actual steam coming out of his nostrils.
“Here you go”, I said and handed him a bucket of ice. Discord just stuck his face inside and it immediately evaporated.
“Now that you cooled off, can’t you get Ahuizotl out of Fluttershy’s cottage?” I asked.
“Well, I do have one way,” Discord said maliciously “I noticed that Ahuizotl still misses his villain days. He’s just pretending to be a good guy to use Fluttershy.”
“Like you did,” I interjected.
He looked at me bemusedly and snapped his fingers, zipping my mouth shut.
“Now if I could just…” Discord thought for a second as a light bulb flashed upside his head. As soon as he got the idea, Discord opened up a vortex and exited.
It only took him three seconds, before he came back. He snapped his fingers and unzipped my mouth and tossed me a bag of, what I thought were bits.
As he left I opened it up. It was filled with beetles. Classic Discord.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.