Spike sat across from Celestia at Doughnut Joe’s, holding back a chuckle at the scandalous looks the Canterlot natives were tossing their way as Celestia obliviously wolfed down her metaphorical mountain of doughnuts ranging from jelly filled, to glazed, even a few strawberry shortcake eclairs tossed in. On her left was a princess-sized mug of hot cocoa full of floating marshmallows.
Celestia looked up from her gluttonous attack on the poor confectionary treats and asked, “So Spike, it’s been ages since I’ve been out and about amongst my little ponies. What do ponies do for fun nowadays?”
Looking at the splatterings of frosting and filling that were splattered across her muzzle, Spike let loose the roaring laugh he was holding in. “Oh Celestia! You should see your muzzle right now!”
Celestia looked at her reflection at the window beside the booth they were sitting in, only to get blinded as a photographer took a picture of her. When the white spots faded, she saw the state of her porcelain fur. The tabloids are going to have a field day with this. But I got Spike to laugh, so it was worth it.
“Sorry, it was just too funny. Anyways… I don’t really know. I’m usually too busy to really do anything. But there are a few good comic stores around here. Maybe we could check one of those out?”
“Alright, but first I need to slay these doughnuts. Are you sure you wouldn’t like some more? You are a growing dragon, after all,” Celestia replied, before diving back into her snacks with a vengeance.
“Nah, I’m good. If I need more I can just filch from your mountain,” Spike replied teasingly.
“Nooo, not my mountain! I need them to fuel my magic for raising the sun!” Celestia moaned jokingly.
With that comment, an excited murmur sprung within Joe’s bakery. Followed ponies dropping tributes of doughnuts on their table before running out, Oh my! I think might have made things worse. Now the press really is going to have a field day.
An hour later, a severely bloated Celestia waddled out of the bakery. Somehow word had gotten out and spread like wildfire, causing ponies from all over to come and fill their princess up with sweets. Of course, being a polite ruler meant that she had to accept tribute. That was, until Spike came to her rescue and told them that she needed to have some time to digest before her amazing sun powers could fully recharge.
Spike gave Celestia a prodding poke watching her stomach make little fleshy waves as it jiggled, “So I was always wondering, with how much you eat, where does it all go?”
Leaning in, she whispered, "It's a secret," she whispered, "Although I don’t think even my metabolism is going to burn through all this food.”
“What about- Um, nevermind,” Spike mumbled.
“It’s just that… Well... Your flank has been getting rounder lately,” Spike said, “Not that you’re fat. You’re still pretty. It’s just that… Maybe you need to use that secret thing a little more?”
Celestia’s rump fell onto the ground with an earth-shaking thump. “Spike thinks I’m faaaat!” She wailed.
“You’re not fat, just getting a bit rounder… Like Pinkie Pie!” Spike offered helpfully. After all Pinky was pleasantly plump in the middle, and jiggly, but was nowhere near fat.
“So I’m pudgy?” Celestia moaned, sniffing.
“More like… Comfortably squishy! Like a really comfy pillow!” Spike offered.
“Hmph. At least I’m not fat. I don’t like diets, they never let you have any fun foods, and make you exercise.”
“But isn’t exercise good for you?”
“Only for other ponies. I haven’t exercised since… Well… A few centuries ago.”
“Oh, that’s a story for another time,” Celestia blushed, remembering having to be carted around in a wheelbarrow after discovering the magical goodness of chocolate as a sweet, rather than a spice.
"I can't wait to hear it," Spike said, following as they set off again. With a mighty crack, Celestia's hoof slammed down on the street, causing cracks to spiderweb out across the cobblestone. Shooting Spike a dirty look at he snickered, she did her best to ignore how easy it was becoming to crack the streets, almost like the castle floor before she had it renovated to withstand an alicorn's mighty strides.
Celestia decided their first stop should be a local comic store, mostly since, with how out of touch with Spike she was, she knew at least that much of his hobbies. Mostly since it was herself who introduced them to him. It was more of an impulse buy than anything, but she had decided that as a graduation gift for finishing his studies she’d buy him something nice, and after an offhoof comment of her aide, she got him a Power Pony comic #1 from a collector.
But other than that and gems, her knowledge of her son was rather limited. I’ve always wanted to be a mother, but knowing that I had a dragon who saw me as such and have neglected him as much as I have… I need to make it up to the young drake.
“So, Spike, we never really talked that much before about yourself. What do you like to do?” Celestia asked.
Spike had finished snickering at the explosions of rubble caused by Celestia as she walked, but still had a grin that Tia had seen on too many colts in her school to see it as anything other than devious. Spike looked at her and shrugged, “I don’t know. Mostly I just help Twilight with her studies and research. I don’t really have that much free time. I read comics, and sometimes I help Rarity, but I don’t really have time for much else.”
“So all you do is work?”
“Pretty much. It’s not that bad though. Twilight would’ve probably starved herself to death if it wasn’t for me reminding her to eat, back before she started making friends. Well, started making friends that she actually interacts with,” Spike replied.
“What do you mean?”
“She had some ponies who considered her a friend, and most of them were mine as well. But Twilight was too busy to give them more than the time of day. Heck, when she moved to Ponyville, she passed up on Moondancer’s first party, and I haven’t had time to really get in touch with any of them since we moved. I should probably check up on them, or at least apologize for being absent from their lives for so long.”
“Well, maybe after we go to the comic book store we can meet up with them if they’re still here. Do you remember their names?”
“Yeah. Lyra Heartstrings is dating a pony in Ponyville named Bon Bon. Minuette, I see sometimes in Ponyville. Then there’s Twinkleshine and Moondancer. I don’t know what happened with those two. I remember seeing all of them but Moondancer at Cadence’s wedding, then Chrysalis brainwashed them.”
Celestia nodded to herself, before Spike's words sunk in. "Wait, did you say..?”
“She was planning on bailing anyways, what with the prophesy of Nightmare Moon’s return and all. She was all, ‘Spike! If Celesta doesn’t stop this then there won’t be a party at all!’ So we missed out on it. I think Moondancer’s present is still in Twilight’s old room.”
“Hmm… We should talk to her about that later. But for now, we shop!” And take my mind off of just how much I messed things up for those I care about. Just like with Luna… I really haven’t changed at all have I? Celestia shook her head, No! I will do better.
*An hour later*
Celestia should have known something terrible was about to happen when Spike headed to the “Collector’s Adventure” section of the store. She should have been doubly worried when she saw the sign warning that the comics were enchanted to give a more immersive reading experience, commissioned by the publishing company themselves. The last flag should have been raised when she went the sales clerk to see the public enchantment permits, which were signed in triplicate, but had no stated enchantment other than the patent number.
Yet here she was, looking at Spike wearing a tacky purple suit and red mask, while she was decked out in what she could only think of as fetish gear. She was strapped into an uncomfortably tight black bodysuit, with a studded collar and knee-high boots covered in spikes big enough to take out a pony's eye. The two of them were hiding behind low lying being wall, breathing heavily as the rested from their pursuers in the form of an insane wolf-pony, an undead lich-king, and what Celestia could only describe as a mismatched tentacle monster attached to a brain in a jar. And if what she saw from Twilight’s hidden stash of Neighponese comics was anything to go by, anything with that many tentacles could only spell danger.
“So Spike, one last time, what are we, and who are they?” Celestia asked.
“Oh, I’m Humdrum, the useless sidekick, He said, ducking a blast from the lich's horn, "And you’re supposed to be Princess Badass, the leader of the League of Heroes. As for them, the wolf-pony is Wild Fang, the zombie dude is King Lichenstein, and the octopus-brain thing is Professor Tentaclese. They’re the heads of the LOSER, the most evil super villain team ever!”
“Alright, so all we need to do is thwart them, right?”
“Well, you do. I just bumble about and cause problems,” Spike sighed.
What happened to those schoolfillies in Twilight's visual novels is not going to happen to me! Also, all this pleather is really weird feeling on my coat. “Spike, you have two things that Humdrum doesn’t have.”
“One, you’re a dragon, and two, dragons breath fire!” Celestia replied, grabbing him roughly in her magic.
Aiming his face toward the oncoming villains, she gave his tail a short tug, causing him to belch out a blast of fire. His dragon breath scorched the werepony, causing him to tumble, screaming, into the Lich-King, whose dessicated body then lit up like a Hearth's Warming tree, “See Spike, you’re anything but useless! Now let’s run to higher ground!”
Celestia ran through the deserted streets of Maretropolis, narrowly dodging necromantic spell bolts and laser beams that flew around her as she zig-zagged out of danger. The cackling laughter of the ne'er-do-wells seemed to come from every direction of the urban landscape, echoing eerily around her.
Celestia’s wings ached as she used them to propel her down the streets, with her earth pony strength providing extra bursts of speed. All the while, Spike was shaken to and fro in her levitation field as she tried to keep him from getting hit or slowing her down due to his tiny little whelpling legs, something that Spike didn’t appreciate.
“Um, Celestia? Can you let me down?” Spike protested, wiggling around in her magical aura.
“They’ll catch us if slow down!” Celestia responded, flapping her wings and leaping to the nearest rooftop, narrowly dodging a death beam on the way.
“But you have superpowers now!” Spike shouted
“Oh… Right… Superhero..." Celestia gasped, completely out of breath, "So what is it that I can do?”
“Well, Princess Badass… I don’t know. They never really showed her powers in the series, although when she was first introduced, they mentioned that her glower can turn a pony into ash, and that she can be a real hardflank. But she’s pretty cool… Even though no one’s seen her disintegrate anypony yet.”
Great, I have a superpower that’s ‘mysterious’. I guess I’ll have to think of something. Aha!
"Spike, what was the ending of this this comic?"
"You mean graphic novel? Well, the League of Heroes shows up just as Princess Badass is about to use her superpowers and rescues them,” Spike replied, “It was kind of a let down, to be honest.”
“Ah! Then let’s show them what a real princess can do! Get your fire ready!” Celestia said as she caught site of the villains coming around the corner. Dr. Tentaclese used some weird scanner to follow Celestia’s previous movements, and was quickly catching up. Come on, that’s cheating! As Pinkmena would say they’re being ‘cheater, cheater, pumpkin eaters’!
As Spike let loose his flames, Celestia did the first thing that came to her mind, and dragon mailed them away from themselves.
Spike looked at her in awe. “That was awesome… Where did they go?”
Celestia looked at him blankly.
The look on her face made Spike’s stomach sink. “You do know where you sent them right?”
“I sent them to Twilight.”
“Oh… You-” Spike started, when suddenly, a glowing portal tore through reality, sucking them up sending them back to the physical world before he could properly freak out.
*Meanwhile, at Twilight’s Castle of Friendship*
“What do I make!? This is Discord we’re talking about! What if what I bring bores him and he ends up… Oh great! Now Celestia knows I’m about doom all reality..!” Twilight shouted as she thought of what to prepare for the picnic. Suddenly, in a burst of green dragonfire, three monsters appeared before her. With a mighty blast of magic, she sent them flying through five diamond-strong walls before landing in a broken heap before Trixie, who was busy sweeping up her guest room.
“Perverts!” Trixie screamed, closing her eyes and wildly thrashing the uninvited guests with her broom, with no thought of stopping until they learned their lesson of crashing into Trixie’s room while she was in the nude.
*Back at the comic store*
“Quick, Spike! We must save Twilight from those fiends!” Celestia yelled, ignoring the startled look of the store patrons.
It was a short teleport to their destination, where they followed the trail of broken crystal to a still-shrieking Trixie, bashing a pile of whimpering villains.
After picking her jaw off the floor, Celestia grabbed Trixie’s broom. “It’s alright, subject. I think you’ve got them.”
Trixie cracked open an eye and immediately dropped into a bow. “Princess, I didn’t know you were stopping by! As you can see, the Great and Powerful Trixie was teaching a lesson to these brutes that blasted into my room,” Taking a look at the tunnel their bodies created leading from the kitchen to her room, “Apparently after deciding that destroying Twilight’s walls wasn’t good enough for them.”
King Lichenstien looked at her in terror, with massive, apple-sized welts across his head, “Princess Badass, please take us away from these crazy ponies! One blasted us through five walls, only for her sidekick to ravish us with her weapons! Save us!” He pleaded.
“Yes,” Professor Tentaclese added, “This place you sent us to is far worse than any of the traps we’ve laid for your superheroes! You truly are an evil mastermind, as is Humdrum… To think we overlooked his ability to shoot fireballs.”
Wild Fang just whimpered pathetically from the wounds inflicted by the two young mares.
“Very well, only if you state that Humdrum is best Power Pony,” Celestia smirked looking at Spike.
“Yes! He’s the best!” The two villains capable of speech yelled, Wild Fang howling in agreement, “He’s the greatest Power Pony that ever lived!”
“Very well, and don’t forget it, or we’ll have to send you back here for your punishment. Sp- Uh, Humdrum, if you will, release your mighty dragon flames!”
And a burst of green fire, they were sent back to the comic shop where they safely retreated back into the comic book from whence they came. “See, Spike? You aren’t useless. And Trixie, I apologize for their rude arrival.”
Trixie scuffed the ground with a forehoof. “No problem… So what was that all about?”
Celestia blushed, “There was a magical mishap in a comic store. It seems that between you and Twilight, you were able to thrash the living daylights out of three actual supervillains.”
“Well that’s good… Although nopony would believe that tale if Trixie told it. It’s sad, too, since I could definitely use that in my next performance,” Trixie mused sadly.
“So where’s Twilight?” Spike asked with his back turned on her. Having learned how funny she was when others saw her without her hat and cape.
“She’s freaking out about a picnic with Discord and Fluttershy. I keep telling her that she won’t destroy the world with one bad lunch. But she’s dead set on worrying, once she comes back and the world’s in once piece I’ll tell her ‘I told you so’, and maybe she’ll listen next time,” Trixie replied giving a flick of her mane before striking up a pose.
It took longer than Celestia would’ve liked, but she had finally managed to calm the store patrons down. She made a mental note to look at their spell patent in detail, if only to ensure that problems like the one Spike and herself faced didn’t pop up again, although in the back of her mind she hoped that her completely altering the story’s plotline didn’t have any far-reaching negative effects.
Spike, on the other hoof, looked like he was on cloud nine, which in the end almost made it worth it. Note to self, never read an enchanted book without Spike or possibly Luna near me. She seems to enjoy those types of stories, and I bet she wouldn’t have made the mistake of sending such things into the physical world… No, she would have challenged them to a duel, then beat them up and down the entire town while singing about glorious combat.
After narrowly dodging a lifetime ban from the store, the two found themselves at a gem shop several blocks down the road. For Celestia, it was as nice place as any to catch her breath. As for Spike, it was like being a colt in a candy store, filled with delicious gems as far as his eyes could see.
“Well Spike, I’ll let you choose what you’d like, although I’ll have to limit you to ten gems,” Celestia chuckled as she watched Spike salivate. After this, I’ll let him and Luna spend some time together, while I have a very serious talk with the education department. I still can’t believe after all these centuries, I’m still completely blind to those closest to me.