“Sis? Can I have a word with you?” Sweetie peered round the door to her bigger sister’s work room, feeling a little more terrified than she would have liked. She waited patiently for a response.
“Just a moment, Sweetie Belle.” Sweetie took that as an invitation to properly enter the room, and she took care to quietly close the door behind her. Her sister was, as she had expected, hunched over a sewing machine ferreting away at seams and stitching. The room was surrounded with mannequins and fabric of all shades, and torn up shreds of paper were prominent on the floor. Sweetie tapped her hoof anxiously, eager to get this over and done with. The anticipation had kept her up the night before.
After what felt like a season had passed, Rarity stopped working away at the material and turned to face her sister, who had a peculiar look etched across her muzzle. Rarity frowned, “Sweetie, what’s the matter? Is something wrong? You look nervous.”
“I-it’s nothing really. I just… need to talk.”
“Of course, Sweetie, come over here. Are you having any big filly worries?”
“Sorta. I dunno, it’s hard to explain. I just need you to listen to me for a while, okay? Do you promise me you won’t try and interrupt me until I’m done?”
“I… I suppose. Sweetie this is very odd behaviour for you, are you sure it’s nothing serious? Is it school related? Have you spoken to Cheerilee about it?”
“Rarity, please!” Sweetie snapped at her sister, immediately feeling a little guilty for it. She needed Rarity to be quiet, just until she could explain what she needed to explain.
She had been putting it off for a few days. She’d spoken to Scootaloo about it and they both agreed that she would be best for the job. Whilst she knew it was silly of her to be worried by such things, it didn’t stop her from trying to delay the inevitable for as long as she could. But it had gotten to the point where she couldn’t stall any longer, and she accepted that she’d just have to bite the bullet. She didn’t know how she was going to do it, indeed, she didn’t know whether she even could do it, but she knew she had to try. For both her sake and Scootaloo’s, she had to at least try. Her throat suddenly felt very dry, and she inadvertently swallowed, not knowing what was coming.
She took a deep breath.
“So… Basically, I’m in a relationship with somepony. We both really like each other and I’m… I dunno, I feel happy with them. It’s just that…”
“Sweetie, that’s great news! Why were you so worried about telling me? Who is he? Is he nice?”
“Rarity! Let me finish! So, I’m in a relationship with somepony, we both like each other, and I feel happy with them. But… I… It’s not exactly… Oh Celestia, give me a minute.” Sweetie chewed her tongue nervously. Why was this so difficult? Just say it and be done with it, no big deal. Rarity would be totally cool with it and things could carry on as they were, just say what needed to be said. State the facts, don’t beat about the bush. But… But it was so scary. ‘What ifs’ floated around Sweetie’s brain and she found herself rendered completely silent, unable to speak and unwilling to force herself further.
“Sweetie? Has this pony done something to you? Something you didn’t want?”
“No, it’s not that.”
“Has he hurt you?”
“No, it’s not that either.”
“Sweetie are you…has he… you’re not… Sweetie please tell me you aren’t…”
“What? No! No, absolutely not! That’s not what it is at all! It’s nothing like that. I don’t know, it’s just something silly. I shouldn’t be having this much trouble telling you but… I’m scared of what you’ll say. What you’ll think of me.”
Sweetie began to sniffle. She could feel something pricking at the corners of her eyes and she tried to fight back the wall of emotions inside her. Was this even right? Was it even okay?
“Sweetie, darling, come here. What’s with the tears? There isn’t anything you could tell me that would make me stop loving you. Whatever it is I’ll always be there for you. I don’t want you to feel worried about telling me things. Now come on, what’s got you so upset? If you tell me then I can help you get through it.” Sweetie sobbed lightly into Rarity’s chest. Sure, it was all well and good saying that now. What about when she told her, what then? There was no guarantee that Rarity would stay true to her word, and Sweetie was scared that it was going to come down to a choice between her big sister, whom she loved dearly, and her marefriend, whom she also loved dearly. She sobbed a little longer, before desperately trying to regain her composure. Now or never, Sweetie Belle, just say it and this whole mess can be over.
“Well… It’s not a colt. I’m not going out with a colt. It’s… It’s another mare. I… I think I might be gay. I don’t know! I don’t know if I am! I’m so confused! I know it’s not right for a mare to like another mare in that way but I can’t help how I feel! I know deep down in my heart that I love her like I would any colt but at the same time I don’t know why I feel that way. I’ve never been attracted to mares before it’s just now. Is it a phase or something? Do all mares go through this? I don’t know! Please don’t hate me Rarity, I know it’s wrong, just don’t hate me!”
“Sweetie Belle! Sweetie Belle, calm down! You’re getting worked up into hysterics! My darling little sister, I don’t care if you want to be in to mares. Sssh, listen it’s okay. Sweetie, please.”
Rarity sat with her little sister clutched tightly in her fore legs, squeezing her gently and desperately trying to calm her down. Eventually her sobs died down to only the occasional choke, yet tears continued to stream down her face and her bottom lip quivered maniacally. She gently stroked her sister’s mane, hushing and cooing all the while. Rarity eventually looked down at her sister and asked in a tender voice, “Sweetie, darling, why were you so scared about telling me? I don’t mind if you find mares more attractive than colts. I just want you to be happy. Does this marefriend of yours make you feel happy?” Sweetie didn’t answer immediately, but eventually she nodded her head. “Then that’s all that’s important. Honestly, it doesn’t matter to me. So long as he or she makes you happy and you legitimately love and care for each other, that’s all I can ask. There, there, look you’ve got yourself all worked up into a tizzy over it. Has this been worrying you for long?”
“I dunno. A week. Maybe two.”
“Oh, Sweetie, I wish you hadn’t been so scared about it. You know that I’ll always love you, you’re my precious little sister! So long as they treat you right and you both respect each other, I don’t care if you want to go out with a mare or a stallion. Okay?”
The two shared a moment of silence with each other, wrapped in a tight embrace of the sort they hadn’t shared since Sweetie was a really little filly. Rarity sighed inwardly. At least Sweetie didn’t have to worry about that anymore. She’d known that the young mare problems would set in eventually, and she’d made sure she knew how to handle it. After a while, the two let each other go, but still remained close, Rarity ready in the wings in case her services were required again. Rather quietly, she eventually asked, “So who is she? Is she somepony from school? Or did you meet her around town?”
“Somepony from school. You know her.”
“I do? How did you get together? Was it romantic?”
Sweetie couldn’t help chuckle slightly, “Not really. We just started spending a lot more time together than usual and… I dunno, one thing led to another I suppose.”
“I see. So… have you kissed yet?”
“Rarity!”
“Sorry, was that a bit too sudden? Are you still just getting past the holding hooves phase?”
“No, we’ve… We’ve kissed and stuff. It’s no big deal really.”
“Aww, that’s so sweet. Have you been on any dates yet?”
“Not really. It’s been kinda secret until now. She… she doesn’t really like going out much. Just personal things, you know.”
“Of course, my little Sweetie, I understand. I think you make a cute couple.”
“Wait, how can you..?”
“I can take hints, darling. Your big sis isn’t quite as dim as she looks.”
Sweetie sighed and inwardly chuckled, taking the opportunity to snuggle back into her sister’s protective embrace. At last that was out of the way. Now there was no need for Sweetie to worry about it, it was out there, it had been said, and she’d been understood. Her sister hadn’t blown a fuse or gone psycho or anything. And of course she wouldn’t have, how could she have even thought that? It was Rarity, her sister! The pony she’d spent her entire life with and getting to know. Of course she would have understood. No need to worry about it anymore.
But…
Why was Sweetie still nervous?
All had been said and done now. Rarity knew, she and Scootaloo could carry on their relationship without having to hide it from her but… she still felt uneasy. As if something wasn’t quite right. She believed what she’d said, and she’d spoken from her heart, but still something nagged at her, twisted her round its axel. Rarity gently stroked Sweetie’s mane as she spoke softly, “Now you make sure you’re careful, alright? I don’t know what it is you two do and I don’t want to know, but just make sure you do it carefully. I’ve known ponies who’ve had their lives ruined because they didn’t take proper precautions so just you promise me that you’ll not do the same. You’ll be safe, won’t you Sweetie?”
“Yea. I’ll be safe. I know all that, we were told in school.”
“Yes but I worry, Sweetie Belle. I just don’t want you doing anything you regret. Don’t let this mare of yours force anything on you and for goodness sake if you are going to do anything take time to plan it first. Do it safely once and you’ll save yourself a world of bother. Don’t rush these things and don’t let them put pressure on you. You are only sixteen after all! There’s no rush to do it all now; save something for when you’re a little older and more mature, okay? You’ll appreciate it more then.”
Sweetie only nodded silently into Rarity’s chest. She’d heard it all before, from her and from the national curriculum. She could handle herself now, she had maturity beyond her years, and she knew when to quit and when to stand her ground. But that wasn’t what was concerning her. There was something else, something that still ate away at her. Sweetie couldn’t figure out what it was, but it wouldn’t go away. There was something she hadn’t said, or something that she still knew but wouldn’t admit to. But she didn’t know what it was. Was it that she didn’t truly love Scootaloo? Was she only doing this out of sympathy for her? No. No that wasn’t true, she did love Scootaloo as much as anypony else, more even. That wasn’t it.
So… what was it?
Maybe…
Maybe she just needed to calm herself down again. That was probably it. She’d just had a very tense fifteen minutes or so and she still had the jitters. All she needed to do was get away and chill for maybe an hour or two. That would probably be it, it felt something like that. She still had some homework to do for tomorrow too, so that might be playing a part in it. She groaned inwardly. Mathematics wasn’t her strong suit, that landed more in Scootaloo’s ball park, but she had to get it done. She hadn’t missed a homework this year and she was determined to keep her record clean. After all, if she was planning on entering further education she’d need all of the positive attention she could get. That was probably contributing to this feeling. There was a lot of academic pressure on her and she felt compelled to succeed, if not for her sake then for her sister’s sake. And there were also chores she’d promised she’d do and hadn’t done. That certainly wasn’t helping. Oh, and she’d said she’d try finding a job somewhere. Her sister was reluctant to take her on though. She said it was because she wanted her to ‘get a real taste of the employment process’ but she had her doubts about that.
Well that was it then, she was just suffering from the combined pressure of several different minor things. She needed to calm herself down, then she could tackle what work she still needed to do. If she felt up to it, she’d do those chores, otherwise they could wait. As for a job, that could definitely wait until the summer. All that would probably take her to… what, 5 o’clock? Three hours maybe, four hours tops? That wasn’t too bad, and that was assuming her equations were especially challenging. She could always try asking Scootaloo for some help there, but chances are she was way behind the drag curve and wouldn’t be of much help at all. Then, when everything was over, she would feel a lot better. The nerves would have dissipated and she could enjoy the rest of her afternoon with Scootaloo. Maybe they could even start planning a date or something?
“Okay, Sweetie Belle?”
“What?”
“Promise me that, Sweetie.”
“Oh, yea. I promise.”
“You have been listening to me, Sweetie? Haven’t you?”
“Yea, all that about being safe and not rushing ahead and all that.”
“And coming to speak to me if you have any concerns.”
“Yea. That too.”
The two sisters shared a moment of silence together, wrapped in each other’s embrace and enjoying each other’s comfort. The only sound for about five minutes came when something on the ground floor clattered noisily and startled the two. Rarity sighed, “Well, thank you for telling me all of that Sweetie. I knew something was bothering you and I’m glad you’ve got that in the open. And thank you for listening to me, too. I know you’ve heard it all before but I feel better for knowing that you understand.”
“No problem. Thanks sis.”
“Don’t worry about it. Now go and sort that filly out. I don’t know what she’s doing but it better not be expensive. Anyway, I have my work to finish and I think you do too.” Sweetie pushed herself away from her sister and rose back to her hooves, a little shakily as her knees ached somewhat. She sniffed once to herself, brushed her mane a few times, and exhaled deeply. With one final nod to her sister, she turned to leave the room, closing the door behind her and leaving her sister to her work.
As the humming of the sewing machine once again resumed, Sweetie stood by herself outside the door. Now just to get all that work done. Nothing to it really, it was all stuff she’d done before. She could talk to Scootaloo whilst she worked, that would make it a little less painful. Then all would be well. She could stop worrying and things would be okay again. Things would be okay again. Yes, yes they would. Everything would be fine.
Everything would be fine.
“Hey Sweetie. Sorry about that, I wasn’t looking where I was going. So… uh… did you tell her?”
“Yea.”
“Was she cool with it?”
“Yea.”
“You sure? You look a little nervous about something.”
“No, I’m fine. Just gotta get my work done. I’ll be fine after that. Everything will be fine.” Sweetie absentmindedly went about putting the kitchen in its place whilst Scootaloo sat at the table, drumming her hooves on the wooden surface as an awkward silence fell between them.
“So… what happens now? Are we good to keep on going? Does she even know it’s me? Did you tell her it was me?”
“We can keep on going. She knows it’s you. I didn’t tell her but she knows. She figured it out, I can tell.” Sweetie threw a collection of crockery items into a cupboard and swept the table clear of detritus. Scootaloo just waited as Sweetie carried on with her work.
“Sweetie are you sure everything’s okay? You still look a little nervous about something. Was she not cool about it? Are you just trying to come to terms with it? Trust me, Sweetie, if my… if my parents… if I’d told them I was into mares I don’t think they’d have taken it very well but your sis? She’s cool, okay? Even if she doesn’t seem it now, she’ll come around, I know she will.”
“She is cool with it. She has no problem with it. Everything’s fine, Scootaloo. I just need to get my work done.”
“Sweetie, I…”
“Hey Scootaloo do you know how to solve a simultaneous equation?” Sweetie pushed a sheet of printed paper towards her and tapped at one of the lines of numbers with a pen. “Because I can’t do this one. I know you did a bit of it back just before you left school so maybe you could help me? You’re a numbers filly, aren’t you?”
“Yea… okay, let me have a look at that.” Scootaloo took Sweetie’s pen and started to jot a few numbers down next to the question. “But Sweetie, I know something’s up with you. You can always tell when there’s something up with me and… and I think I can tell when there’s something up with you. You’re never this quiet. And you never randomly change the topic like that. What’s up?”
“Nothing’s up, I was just focusing on my work, that’s all. Don’t worry yourself, Scootaloo, I’m fine! It’s you I’m worried about. Have you been sleeping well? Are you having anymore nightmares?”
Scootaloo underlined her answers to the question and slid the pen and paper back towards Sweetie, leaning forward as she did so, “Don’t make this about me, Sweetie. I’m fine. I’ve had a few nightmares but I’m learning to cope. Stop trying to pass off the focus to me or these stupid questions. Answer me, Sweetie, what’s wrong?”
“Oh, I would never have got that. What method were you using? Am I just missing something obvious? Perhaps you could talk me through the next one.”
“Sweetie! You’re doing it again, stop it! Look at me,” Scootaloo pushed the papers off the table so as to leave nothing for Sweetie to use as a distraction. The filly looked around frantically for a moment for something to draw attention to other than herself, but found nothing. Scootaloo dominated her gaze and where ever she looked Scootaloo moved to block her gaze. “What is wrong, Sweetie? Something is definitely not good with you.”
What could she say? She didn’t know why she felt nervous, she didn’t know what it was that was tearing her up inside. Something was wrong, Scootaloo had hit that nail on the head, but Sweetie didn’t know what, and she didn’t know how to tell Scootaloo that. She’d probably just accuse her of trying to deflect attention again, or of hiding what the real problem was. Sweetie didn’t know, but how did she tell Scootaloo that?
“What is wrong, Sweetie Belle?”
“I… I don’t know. I don’t know, okay? I just don’t know.” Sweetie buried her face into her hooves, encasing herself into a tomb of blackness. “I don’t know. I should be feeling fine, better than fine even. Rarity knows about us now and she’s totally cool with it and all this other work is just trivial really. There’s nothing left for me to be nervous about but… I don’t know, something’s still making me uneasy. I don’t know, okay Scootaloo? I just don’t know!”
Sweetie sobbed gently.
“Whoa, o-okay Sweetie, keep it cool now. I… I probably came across a little strong there, and I’m sorry. You’re way better at words than me I… I’m sorry if I scared you. Hey, c-come on now, don’t do this. If you start crying I’m gonna cry, okay, so… so don’t do that. It’s okay Sweetie, I understand, alright? I understand. I get that sometimes too, when you know something’s bothering you but you can’t figure out what, I get that.” Scootaloo was quick to rush around the table and warp Sweetie into her fore legs, doing her best to comfort her. Sweetie was so much better at this than she was. Sweetie had that soothing voice and that way with words and those disarming eyes. Scootaloo was no good at that sort of thing. She decided it would be best for her just to stay quiet. She didn’t want to say anything that’d make it worse.
“Maybe you just need to sleep on it.”
“Yea. That… that’s probably it. Sorry, Scootaloo, I suppose I’m still just a little on edge. I’ve been anticipating this for weeks now and… I’ve probably still got a lot of adrenaline coursing through me. That’s probably it, actually. I probably don’t even have any problems I’m just making trouble where there is none. I’ll just sleep on it and I’ll be better by tomorrow, I’m sure. Thanks, Scootaloo.”
“Hey, no problem. You’ve always been there for me these past months and I’m always gonna be here for you. That’s how relationships work, right? You’re there for each other?”
“Yea. We’re here for each other.”
Sweetie was still shaking after Scootaloo let her go. She was still shaking as she finished the rest of her work. She was still shaking when she tucked herself away to sleep. She couldn’t shake this feeling. This feeling that seemed to stand over her. Throughout the afternoon and evening, she thought she’d figured out what it was that was making her feel like this.
For some reason she couldn’t help…
She couldn’t help feeling like…
Like she was lying to herself.
End.