Max Payne and all related materials belonging to it are property of Rockstar Games
My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic belongs to Hasbro, I in no way make any profit from this story. This is a story of my own strange mind that I wish to share with the rest of you.
A special thanks to ATung231 for his awesome proof-reading for this chapter, which is now 20% cooler and more readable!
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Payne-full Realization
By Ezbok58a
Chapter 1: The Bottle put me here
What does one do when the nightmares of your past come back to haunt you? Do you cower in fear, praying it’ll go away? Or do you turn and face them again full bore, and shove them back to the dark hell they crawled from?
I know firsthand that hiding from your nightmares or drowning them in alcohol doesn’t make them go away. The only way to stop them is to face them head-on. I sure as hell never expected to face one of my own nightmares in this bright and cheerful place I’m in now.
But that’s the thing with nightmares: there is no reasoning with them. They do as they please just to piss you off and scare the shit out of you.
Now here I was, in this grand castle hallway that was once pristine and perfect, now shot to pieces, coated with blood, and strewn with the dead bodies of those I killed. The leader, the shadow from my past, lay in front of me gasping for life. At least that’s what I told myself.
My gun was pointing at this broken shadow as I slowly walked across the hallway in a way that’d make Hollywood directors scream for their slow-motion cameras and dramatic music. There was no honor in this, no poetic justice, just what had to be done. And sure enough, there I was, standing over the nightmare, looking it in the eye once again as I cocked the hammer back, ready to finish it off.
I never expected it to come to this, never expected the nightmares to return, and never expected to even end up in this world. But that’s what happens when you think the bottle put you here…
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Several days ago…
My day had been absolute hell, both figuratively and literally. Fabricas Branco was attacked by the Crachá Preto. My employer, Rodrigo Branco, was found executed, and the entire building complex burned to the ground after multiple bombs went off. Add to that his kidnapped wife Fabiana, and I was in a completely wonderful mood. Now there were only two members of the Branco family alive that I knew about: Victor, the local politician, and his younger cokehead brother Marcelo. Oh, almost forgot about his wife, if she was still alive. After the office attack, I lost contact with all of them, even Passos, the guy who talked me into becoming a private bodyguard for this family. I was on my own again, left to my own devices, or rather, vices. Right now, it was a bottle of scotch.
My left arm was feeling better, considering it took a sniper’s bullet back at the failed ransom exchange in the soccer stadium. Then again, it could be the scotch and painkillers. I didn’t have a lot to look forward to. I was either going to find Fabiana and redeem myself or die in the process. And I didn’t even know who the hell was behind all of this shit.
My tolerance for drinking was rather high for a raging alcoholic like myself. By that, I meant I usually threw up before I passed out. Considering the day’s events, I was right on course for a drinking binge. But then something started to feel strange to me. When you drink as much as I do, you tend to know how you feel completely hammered, but what was currently going on wasn’t something I was used to. The room started to blur in the strangest ways. Soon, I didn’t have individual walls around me but rather, one big circular wall. The colors went from the drabness of my apartment to a violent assortment of colors as vast as the rainbow.
Was I drinking a bad bottle of scotch laced with PCP? Was my body finally giving up the ghost for spending the better part of a decade drinking like it was going out of style? Or was it something beyond my control? I didn’t have the presence of mind to answer those questions as the colors assaulted my very being. The rainbow colors soon faded to black as I lost consciousness.
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The events of last night were completely lost to me. I assumed I’d either made it to my bed or unceremoniously slept it off on the floor of my apartment. All I knew was that bizarre experience was over.
Or so I thought…
Like any other day, I was awake but didn’t feel like getting up, a practice that took years to perfect. I was lying there with my eyes closed just hoping I could drift back to sleep, only to have Passos come in and wake me up. Only his voice never came…
“What is that thing?”
“I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Where did it come from?”
“What is it wearing?”
"Well whatever it is, it’s alive..."
"Is this a new creature? Oh I'm so excited! I've never seen a creature like this before! I wonder if it talks!"
"Well, we won't know ‘ til it wakes up."
“I hope it does it soon. Just waiting around is sooo boring!"
Clearly I had company, and judging by the voices they were females…and they spoke English. Two things I shouldn’t have been hearing in my São Paulo apartment. Something was definitely wrong here…
Before I decided to open my eyes and assess my current situation, I decided to pay attention to what else was unusual to me. I wasn’t on my bed, and this definitely wasn’t the floor. I was on something soft, yet firm. The smell coming through my nostrils was unmistakable...grass. I shifted slightly, feeling for my gun in the holster on my chest. Thankfully, it was still there. I didn’t know if I’d have to shoot my way out of this place, but knowing it was there calmed me down. When your life seems to be defined by how many people you kill, having a weapon is reassuring. Whoever was watching me didn’t seem like they had malicious intent, but like so many times before, I was on edge.
“What you thinking, Twi?”
One of the voices asked, presumably one of the others who found me. Going off the voices alone, I had at least three watching me, with the possibility of another three further back, judging from the foot falls and rustling of grass. I might as well greet these newcomers and see if I'm going to regret waking up. I groaned as I started to sit up and open my eyes. Soon, I wished I hadn’t.
I was surrounded, only not by goons with automatic weapons like I was used to waking up to. I was surrounded by six small horses, one of which was actually flying.
The horses all froze as they watched me move, like deer caught in the headlights. It allowed me to further investigate my surroundings before the shock wore off, one of the perks of being a seasoned NYPD detective.
I was definitely outside in a colorful landscape that was definitely not São Paulo. The land was full of flowing green fields, bright colors, and an even brighter sun which painfully reminded me of my prior night’s antics. The horses formed a half circle around me. They were relatively small, maybe four feet tall at the most, and they were all brightly colored.
It seems I drank myself into a cartoon. There were marks on their flanks, a few of them had horns protruding out of their head, the one currently airborne had wings, and another one wore a cowboy hat.
The first order of business was to take my hand and slap myself across the face. This had to be a dream. There’s no possible way I could actually be here right now. It’s just a dream, one I’ll forget once I wake myself up…
*Smack!*
My cheek stung from the strike as I closed my eyes and groaned softly. I opened my eyes again, hoping to see the dreary walls of my apartment again. Instead I saw the same six small horses, only now they looked very shocked.
“Hey! Why did you do that?” one of the horses asked.
Clearly, this had to be a dream. Horses don’t talk.
I pulled my hand back in order to slap myself harder, only to feel my hand forcefully held in place. I turned my head to look at it, and saw my hand bathed in a strange purple aura. Perplexed, I turned and looked back at the horses, noticing the nearest one had the same color glow coming from the horn protruding from her forehead.
“Please don’t do that again…” the purple horse spoke as she released whatever force she placed on my hand. I stared at her for a moment before I looked back at my hand, wondering if that aura which she controlled would reappear.
Noticing my confusion over my new surroundings, that same horse spoke up again. The fact that these creatures understood English was quite something, and that was coming from a jaded New Yorker.
“Do you…understand us?”
I looked at the horse for a good couple of seconds. Its’ eyes were much like reading a human’s eyes. You can see their intent, and this one, while cautious, was being sincere. I might as well humor it.
“Yeah, I understand you.” If only I understood where the hell I was…
The group of them stepped back slightly, cautious as to how to proceed. The purple one looked back at the others for some support. Judging by their faces, they didn’t know what to do either.
“Where the hell am I?” I asked, trying to shake my hangover away. A futile action if there ever was one.
The purple horse’s ears perked up at my question. It looked like it actually beamed, if that was even possible for a horse.
“You are in Equestria, not far from Ponyville to be exact.”
“Equestria? Ponyville?” Jesus Christ, I thought hell would be full of brimstone and fire, tortured souls, and the devil. How wrong I was. Hell was here amidst brightly colored horses and stupidly named towns. I bet they have a horse-like name for every town or city they have…
“Uh partner, you don’t look so good…”
The horse wearing a cowboy hat spoke up. How stereotypical, a southern accent from somebody wearing a cowboy hat. The urge to put my gun in my mouth grew by the second.
“So what exactly are you anyway, a creature from the Everfree Forest?”
This time the flying horse was the one asking the questions, light blue with a rainbow colored mane and tail. If the gay pride groups knew about this, they’d have a field day.
“What? I have no idea what you’re talking about…what the hell is the Free Forest?”
“It’s Everfree Forest, and it’s right behind you.” the rainbow horse said.
I turned around and there it was, a forest, just like the ones in my world. I still had no idea what the hell it was talking about, though. I had just woken up from a drunken blackout to “arrive” in a strange land full of talking horses. I didn't know a goddamn thing about this place, but by now, they should know that I don’t belong here.
Then again, I should answer its’ first question.
“I’m a person.” I answered as I turned back towards them, getting annoyed at everything surrounding me. I never thought I’d wish to be back in the shithole that was my life in Brazil, but “Equestria” and its’ talking horses made me homesick.
“A person? What exactly is a person?” the bright pink one asked.
I wondered what would happen if just pulled out my Beretta and blew my brains out in front of them. I was dangerously close to doing so. Hopefully, they wouldn’t understand what I was doing until it was too late.
Still, whatever good left in me decided to hold off and play along. Clearly this wasn’t a dream, and I was longing for another drink.
“I’m a human being, a person. Do you understand what that is?”
The group looked at me, then at each other quizzically, hoping that one of them knew the answer to my question. Not surprisingly, none of them did.
“This looks like it will require some research on my part…” the purple horse chuckled nervously as she refused to make eye contact with me. Not that I could blame it. I wouldn’t want to make eye contact with something that asked if you knew what it was, and you didn’t know.
“Anyways, do you have a name?” the purple horse asked.
“Max. Max Payne.”
I brought my hand to my face, rubbing my forehead before bringing it down across my beard. I felt marginally better than when I first woke up, but I was still hung over. Telling them my name was either the smartest thing I did, or the dumbest, and I was going to find out which…
“Well, Max Payne…my name is Twilight Sparkle.” she said.
Yep, clearly the dumbest. By the way she spoke, I got the impression I was about to be introduced to the rest of the group, horses with names just as stupid as hers. Not surprisingly, I was right.
“These here are my friends…” the purple horse then motioned with one front leg to the orange horse with the cowboy hat
“Applejack…” I could actually feel my intelligence drop as I looked at the orange horse. God I need a drink.
“Rarity…” She pointed to a white horse with a styled purple mane, which also sported a horn growing out of her forehead.
“Fluttershy…” The yellow and pink horse hunkered down behind the one she called Rarity. I can tell by looking at her that she was absolutely terrified of me. Hell, if any of these horses actually knew what I had done, they’d probably do the same.
“Pinkie Pie…” The pink horse bounced in place. Its’ facial expression I’ve only seen on sky-high cocaine addicts. It looked way too happy and energetic to be here, even by stupid, colorful fantasy world standards.
“And Rainbow Dash…” The light blue horse hovered slightly above them, her front legs crossed like arms, against her chest. Something that really shouldn’t be possible for a horse to do. Then again, this wasn’t the Bronx zoo, but some brightly colored land in who knows where.
“So Max, how exactly did you end up here?” The one called Twilight asked me, her head tilted to the side much like a dog would if it didn’t understand a word you were saying.
“Your guess is as good as mine. Last thing I remember was drinking in my apartment, and then I woke up to hear you talking around me…”
“Oh, did our talking wake you up? I’m so sorry. We’ll be more considerate next time.” the one called Fluttershy said quietly, still hiding behind one of the other horses.
I may have been suffering from a hangover, but it was obvious that yellow horse with pink hair was too kind for its own good. She had a kindness that was genuine, not the one that would stab you in the back when it got the chance. It was actually kind of refreshing, to say the least.
“Don’t worry about it, although I could use a drink.”
“Oh a drink! What kind of drink?” The pink one, no, Pinkie Pie asked as she bounced in place.
“Ideally, Scotch. Although anything with alcohol is welcome.”
The lot of them just looked at each other quizzically. This wasn’t good. Perhaps I was better off blowing my brains out.
“Um, Applejack…I think this one’s all yours.” Rainbow Dash said. I still couldn’t get used to these names or this place. Equestria’s all too cheery and colorful for someone like me. I needed an Italian thug to pop out of a tree with a 1911 to make this world feel like mine, but it wasn’t going to happen.
“Mine? Why is it all mine?”
“Well you do have that secret stash of cider in the cellar…” Rainbow stated.
“How in the hay do you know about that, Rainbow?!” The Southern accented horse was clearly annoyed by what the light blue flying horse said.
“Because I saw it the last time I helped you bring some of your apples down there to make the stuff!”
“That’s for special occasions only!”
“Well what’s more special than a human coming to our world, silly?” That pink one may seem like she’s on crack, but she clearly understands better than she lets on. I kind of admired that…if only she’d stop fucking bouncing.
“Ugh, fine…I’ll go get some of that special cider. But don’t you go spreading word to other ponies that I have it! The last thing I need is for my secret supply to get out to the public’s hooves!”
With that, the country horse walked toward a farmhouse I saw in the distance. There was something she said before she left that bothered me, though…
“Ponies?”
The rest of them turned back to look at me.
“Um, yeah silly! We’re all ponies!” Pinkie bounced in place again as she giggled at my absurd question.
I ran my hands down over my face, realizing that the pain in my head wasn’t just from the hangover, but from being where I was, surrounded by these ponies…
“I really, really need a drink…”
“Well, Applejack is already on her way to get something for you. In the meantime, I think its best we get you inside the Library. It will allow me research what you are and how you got here. It’s a far better place for research than this clearing outside of the Everfree forest.” Twilight stated.
I nodded my head before I slowly got up to my feet. While lying on the ground, I was at eye level with these ponies. Now that I was on my own two feet, I towered over them…well, all except the one called Rainbow Dash, who curiously flew slow circles around me.
“You’re taller than I expected…” Rainbow said as she flew around in front of me.
“And you’re more annoying than I expected, so let’s call it even.”
This earned a few snickers from the ponies on the ground, while Rainbow just narrowed her eyes at me and groaned. Making good with the locals: glad to see that my skills didn’t change no matter where I was.
“All right Max, follow me. The library is just at the edge of town so we should be able to avoid most of the population.”
“Twilight dear, why would we want to avoid the town?” Rarity asked.
“Very good Max, except the hands part.”
“What exactly are hands?” Rainbow asked as she flew in close to me. Apparently this one wasn’t concerned with the concept of personal space.
I held up my right hand to her and wiggled my fingers.
“That’s a hand.”
“Oh, so it’s like a claw…”
“A claw? What the hell is wrong with this place?”
“Hey, nothing’s wrong with Ponyville other than some six foot monstrosity that mysteriously appeared just outside the Everfree Forest…”
“Are you insulting me, you flying gay pride poster?”
“A little…um, what the hay is a gay pride poster?”
“You know what, I’ll tell you later…”
Rainbow’s questions were getting on my nerves. Can’t say I blame her. This was their world, and I was only an unfortunate guest in need of a drink. I wasn’t too surprised when the others started to ask me questions on the journey back to the library.
“So, Max…what is that fashionable ensemble you’re wearing?” Rarity asked.
I could tell by the way she carried herself with her walk and mannerisms that she either was upper class, or trying to be upper class. If it wasn’t for her genuine tone, I would’ve thought of her with the same level of contempt I had for Fabiana and Marcelo. I worked for them, but that didn’t mean I had to like them. Pushing those negative thoughts aside, I answered Rarity’s question.
“It’s called a suit.”
“Hmm, I see. Well, it works very well with your physique.” she said. Seeing this world is all upbeat and positive, I’m guessing that she wasn’t lying to me, which made me feel better.
“Thanks, I guess…” I didn’t have any fashion sense whatsoever. For years, I wore a leather coat with a Paisley print tie. My sense of fashion rated about as well as my bodyguard ability.
“So um, Max…what’s it like where you are from, if you don’t mind?” The quiet Fluttershy asked, gaining a small bit of courage from her friends asking questions first.
“It’s best if you don’t know…”
“Oh, OK then…I’m sorry…”
I could’ve just told them outright about the death and despair I see on a daily basis, most of it caused by yours truly. How would they even react to me, someone who made a living killing bad guys? Or the despair these bad guys put me through…put my family through? Just thinking about it made me long for the bottle, or at least my pills.
I put my hands in my jacket pockets. By some miracle, the cylindrical containers containing my other vice survived the trip. I pulled one container out and put a few of the small pills into my hand. Just as I was about to down the pills, I noticed that they all stopped walking and were watching me.
“Are those pills?” Rainbow asked as she flew in for a closer look, extending her front leg to my open palm before I pulled it away.
“Yes, they’re pills. Could you back off a bit? You, constantly flying close to me, are starting to piss me off.”
Rainbow was taken aback by my slight outburst, as her ears folded flat against her head briefly before what I assumed was her typical pride got the best of her. Apparently, I was pushing my luck with the only creatures that were kind enough to help me out.
“Well, sorry MAX. It’s just that some ponies are a little unsure about this new creature that magically appeared on the edge of one of the most terrifying places in all of Equestria!”
Her outburst actually made me like her more. She played it by heart, like I usually did: no planning and no preparation but rather, just going for it.
“You know what, Rainbow? You’re absolutely right.”
“Oh, so now you…wait, what?”
My statement caught her off guard. Just because I admired her spirit didn’t mean I couldn’t push a few of her buttons as well. It was nice to know I was doing the button pushing for once, rather than others pushing mine.
“Forgive me if I come off with an attitude. It’s not every day I drink myself into a stupor that lands me into another world full of talking ponies. If I did, I’d figured I’d have a warmer welcome at least.”
A little humor couldn’t hurt.
“All right. You get a pass this time.” Rainbow said as she spit onto her hoof and extended it to me.
Apparently, some human customs carry over to this pony land. I was being offered the equivalent of a spit shake. Keen on building bridges, I downed my pills before I spit in my own hand and shook the offered…hoof.
“Ick…I didn’t know you humans engaged in such barbaric practices!” Rarity said with a huff.
“Lady, you don’t know the half of it.”
“Oh, oh! My turn, my turn!” Pinkie literally bounced to my eye level from out of nowhere. If I could, I’d definitely run a tox screen on her.
“Maybe later, Pinkie. Let’s keep moving.” I said.
I continued walking forward while Pinkie faced me. Somehow, she was able to keep her bouncing pace without seeing where she was going. She definitely had skills.
“So, what does a human eat? Do you eat sugary things? Baked things? What do you eat, what do you eat, what do you eat?!?!”
“One question at a time there!” I sighed as I rubbed my forehead. Pinkie was still looking at me expecting an answer.
“Sugary things, yes. Baked things, yes. I also eat things that wouldn’t sit well with the rest of you…”
“Ooh…like what?” Pinkie said with more energy, if that was even possible.
“Well, meat for example.”
They remained silent, but not shocked. I figured in a colorful place like this, a creature like me that eats other creatures would absolutely disgust or terrify them. For once, I was glad to be wrong.
“Oh, is that it?” Twilight asked.
“You’re not really that surprised by that?” I said with my curiosity piqued.
“Not really. We may be ponies, but we do understand that not every creature in this world is an herbivore like us. Some creatures need meat to survive. Just so long as it isn't pony you eat, you’re all right to me.” Twilight said, looking back at me.
"No worries there. You look too colorful for my digestion to handle. Plus I don't think I could eat something I just had a conversation with."
My usual dry humor was making its impression on this land, with the usual misunderstood expressions looking back at me.
"It’s a joke. We don't eat your kind where I come from."
"You could've just told us that instead of making a joke about it." Twilight said, slightly annoyed.
"That was a joke? But it wasn't a funny ha-ha kind of joke...in fact it wasn't funny at all!" Pinkie Pie said as she bounced next to me.
"Could we keep moving? All this stopping to nitpick what he says is so boring!" Rainbow said, continuing to fly lazy circles around us.
Twilight decided to continue leading us towards the library as I spoke to her.
"So what were you saying about this place before you got side tracked by my dry humor?"
That appeared to bring her out of whatever funk she was in. I got the impression that she loved lecturing people, or ponies, rather. I really need a drink if I have to keep on referring to ponies, rather than people.
“Everything in this world works off of an unseen balance. A harmony if you will. While we appear to be bright, colorful, and full of happiness to you, there are still some evil things that even the princesses can't control.” Twilight continued.
“Princesses? You have princesses here?”
“We have a few princesses, but only two actually rule the land.”
“Wouldn’t that make them queens?”
“I suppose, but they never called themselves that. I’ll be sure to ask them in this letter I’ll be sending to Princess Celestia.”
“Wait, so you’re able to send letters to these princesses?”
“Of course. I am Princess Celestia’s personal student.”
Things were getting more confusing for me by the second. I needed that country pony’s alcoholic cider and I needed it now.
“Oh look, here we are!” Twilight said.
All I saw was a very large tree.
“It’s a tree…”
“The tree is the library…” Rainbow said.
“You have a library that’s a tree?”
“I also live there.” Twilight said.
All this new information was making my head hurt worse than usual. I I felt like I was going through alcohol withdrawal.
“So do you really think you can find out how I got here and how you can get me back home just from reading a couple of books?”
Why I didn’t ask this question before we arrived at the library eluded me.
“Well, I’m not sure, but you just got here. Why do you want to head back home so soon?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah, and I didn’t even get a chance to prepare your “Welcome to Ponyville, Max Payne” party!” Pinkie added.
I looked from the group of ponies to the town that they lived in. It looked like something out of the middle ages, only more colorful and cheerful. It was clear to me that I didn’t belong here. Who knows what I’d end up doing to myself of any of these seemingly cheerful residents if I stayed here too long. If I’m not dodging bullets and killing bad guys, then I’m out of my element. It’s made worse by the lack of readily available alcohol, painkillers, and cigarettes.
“Max?”
Twilight’s words broke me from my own thoughts. I turned my attention back to the group of ponies. I could see concern in their eyes. These ponies didn’t want to harm me. They wanted to help me and, Pinkie especially, wanted to make me happy. I wasn’t used to this kind of thing. I wasn’t used to anyone wanting me to be happy in a long time.
“You OK, Max?” Twilight asked again, stepping closer to me.
There must be a reason why I ended up here. While I’m out of my comfort zone here, I knew I didn’t have a lot to look forward to going back to São Paulo. I might as well take the time to figure it out. Maybe by then, everything with the Comando Sombra and the Crachá Preto will have blown over. I decided to give Equestria a chance, and started by answering Twilight’s question.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
I heard a collective sigh of relief from the group. Glad to have made them happy, however long that’ll last.
“Well, come on now. Let’s get this research started. I’m sure the princesses will love to hear about this.”
“OK. Let’s.” I said.