I did as William asked, even as doubt clawed at me. Had I always known what doubt was? I poured into Neon and thought back to simpler times. When I was first 'born' I was a brilliant color among several others. I thought I was prettiest. No... No, that's not true. I'm romanticizing. At the time...
I was inside Neon. It was safe and warm, but dark, and alone. I could feel Neon distantly, but it was mostly alone. Just me and my thoughts.
I was just existing. It's hard to even imagine anymore. I was bright because I was bright. I was colorful because that is what I was. I neither wanted nor avoided merging or being fed from, they were just things that happened. They were 'life' and I lived it without knowledge that they were happening, let alone a concept of whether one was good or bad. I filled in the idea of good or bad myself when I thought back to it all. I wanted to merge. I wanted to avoid being fed from. One was good, one was bad.
But that's a lie. It was just there. I didn't want to merge. I simply did. If I bumped against another pattern, I would have become a larger one with it, and we'd fly off for it to happen again. No thought, just how it worked. So why did I break away? I should have arrived in William, touched his pattern, and immediately became part of it, making a new, larger, whole.
It was the first moment of my existence, at least, that I knew as existing. I was in a dark place, with a pattern closeby. I could merge with it. I was going to, it felt natural to do, but... I heard it. I heard his thoughts, full of worry and fear, not for himself, but a friend. My first decision in life was to not do what came naturally. I didn't merge with him. I should have, but I didn't. I held back, watched, learned, and grew, alone.
I started to have my own thoughts. I learned how to control the power that made us up, and made me up all the more. I stopped existing just to exist. I existed to live. I wanted to greet this person I'd been so close to but so far away from, and I reached to escape.
He was so surprised and horrified when I first appeared, but he would learn to accept me. I was Cindy, a name I made up. I was not Cindy before then. I used to just be energy. Energy does not need names, or purpose. I had both. I was more, and less, than I used to be. I fooled myself, to an extant. I thought I was just part of William, and why wouldn't I be? I could have been, if I'd just done what came natural and didn't have a thought before than. I hesitated, and lost that chance forever.
It suddenly became cooler, and even the distant presence of Neon was gone. I was laid. It was cold, and I was alone, so alone. I didn't like it at all. It was painful to think about, but I tried to have faith. William wouldn't leave me alone. William would do everything in her power to see me through this difficult part.
There was a moment of dark solitude before I felt William. She was everywhere. She was enfolding me with brilliant bands of love that carried those vibrant markers of the rest of the herd. I saw Sandra's colors, Dust Kicker, and Dusk Hope. Crystal's colors surprised me, but I welcomed them all with a mental smile. The warmth of their energy filled my still maturing form as I grew and became stronger for it. I felt almost alive, which is a curious thing to think. I wasn't quite ready to break out of the egg, but I was so much closer than before, and seeing all their colors... I wasn't alone. I was loved, and they were all so close to me.
I wondered at the other patterns, the other princesses. Not Neon, of course. She had a different kind of pattern. Parasites don't bond on contact, they draw energy, like a sponge, and strengthen their own pattern, not merging with another. Neon was lucky she wasn't hurt by it, thinking on it, and maybe some were, and just got sick and died on 'infection'. Maybe that's why the tongued ponies are rare. Only the ones that didn't do that survived.
Her story must be similar to mine. She gained thoughts by being close to Neon. She learned what a thought was, and what an emotion was, and then to have her own. When she emerged, she had a name for herself as well, Karen. I wondered if she remembered the time when she had neither of those things. We were both just energy once. I should... I should try to talk to her more, and maybe we could be special friends to one another. The rivalry over what we were is... It's stupid. We had no thoughts back then. It doesn't matter if she was a parasite. It doesn't matter what spectrum of color I inhabited. We are closer to true sisters than anyone else in this world.
I didn't like not hearing William's thoughts. Even the simple ones were nice to have, and even the simple ones were denied me. Maybe... I reached out as I had before, letting my thoughts echo loudly in the area, ~Can anyone hear me?~
Karen replied, ~We're trying to sleep.~
Something bumped gently, then William's thoughts came, and they were a relief to feel. ~No, it's alright to wake us right now. You're our child.~
I didn't like the title. It had too many meanings. ~I am your equal, and when I get out of here, I want to be more than that. Don't call me your child. Maybe I can be Sandra and Hope's child. This body belonged to them. Do they know?~
~I do.~ Sandra. She felt tired. ~I'm not sure how to feel about it. When Karen gave the egg away, I suppose I lost 'dibs' over it, but it was my child... At least it was too young to have much yet, still...~
William's thoughts were warm and supportive. ~Cindy has become a part of what there was, it's in her nature. Nothing was destroyed.~
Have I? I supposed it was true. When I flowed into this body, I took it all into myself as I claimed it. Whatever developing mind there was, it was part of me now, just like I would have been part of William, if I'd just done what I should have done when I first appeared. We were one thing, indivisible. I was already changing in ways that could never be taken back. Life was funny that way, killing us so often, but we continue living.
Sandra's thoughts felt a little less sad and conflicted. ~I'll work with that. Sorry for being a downer. Are you alright, Cindy?~
~Hearing all of you, yes. I am now.~ I felt far less lonely, even if I wanted to physically touch them. It wasn't quite time yet. Fatigue swamped over me. Broadcasting was a lot of effort for the small body. I slept.
I awoke to the warm bath of energy. Was William feeding me again? It felt like her. How long had I been asleep? None of that mattered as much as the fact that I felt ready. My legs kicked and my arms reached. I had a body. I had a body and it felt ready. I couldn't reach very far. I could barely kick. The egg was too small!
I wriggled and struggled to get enough room. I was ready! I wanted to move. I wanted to stretch. I felt trapped. Panic ebbed a moment as I remembered I hadn't forgotten my tricks. The egg was thrown away in all directions as I created a shield around myself, then I fell to the bed just in front of William. She looked so large! But she wasn't larger. I was tiny. I fell over on still immature legs and wriggled around, but I laughed. I was alive!
Will gently ran a hoof over my entire form. "Sandra, I think it's important that you feed her."
Sandra perked her ears from her bed and quickly stepped over. "Why is that? You have teats just like I do."
Will pointed at Sandra with a finger. "She's your daughter. She will feed a lot, I should warn. She doesn't plan to remain a tiny infant for long."
I had forgotten, but with Will's words, I remembered. I wanted to get larger faster, but I couldn't do much yet. My body was so tiny and weak. I was mostly helpless. Weren't ponies supposed to be stronger at birth? But I wasn't a pony, was I? I also didn't do it the normal way, feeding from Will's borrowed energy.
Sandra climbed up on the bed beside Will and rolled to her side. Her strong tongues wrapped around me and lifted me up. The sweet smell of milk filled my senses as she put me down by her crotch. I knew nothing at that point other than the maddening need to get at a nipple, and I did, and I drank. I drank deep and eagerly. Sandra squirmed and blushed as she fed me. "Is it supposed to feel that... good when they do that? I shouldn't feel that good feeding my baby." I was her baby. It felt nice to hear her say that.
My thoughts turned internal as the milk filled my belly and I put it to work. I strengthened my arms and fingers with it, letting me take ahold of the breast and keep it in place. I began to grow all over. I was getting stronger and stronger. The milk was better than the wash of energy. It had physical things, and I was a physical body. I needed it. I needed it to grow. Sandra ran out quickly, but she had another nipple, and I switched to it, wanting to grow more.
There was only so much energy and mass held in her breasts at a time. I was larger, but I was still clearly a baby, a little foal. Still, I could stand up and smile at them both. I felt much better. "Thank you, Mom."
Sandra flushed anew. "Oh gosh. I didn't expect to be called Mom today." She wrapped her hooves around me and squeezed me tightly. "Are you alright?"
I nuzzled against her gently. "I'm still so small, but I'm fine. I... I'm me."
William let out a soft sigh. "You are you, and I am me, but we are also a bit of each other." She reached and gently stroked along my spine. "Focus on growing. I want to get a real hug out of you."
A real hug sounded amazing just then. I nodded towards William and smiled. "This is quite frightening... but I'm glad I didn't."
Sandra perked an ear. "Didn't what?"
I pointed at William. "Didn't do what came naturally to me."
William nodded in agreement. "You made a very simple decision, and it changed the world, or at least us. We're both more complex and, I think, wonderful people for that choice."
~Karen? I want to talk to you.~
Sandra twitched as Karen took over. "What? You want to gloat about what you did?"
I shook my head slowly. "No. I want to say sorry. There's nothing wrong with you. In fact, I think we're more alike than not."
Sandra/Karen twitched her ears. "Is that so?" She didn't sound convinced, and she withdrew into Sandra, but she didn't sound angry either. It was a start. We had time to work it out.