Soldier had decided to explore Ponyville in hopes of finding something, ANYTHING, to fight. He was walking around when he saw a strange sign with strange letters on it with an envelope.
Soldier:MAIL! That means men! Which means fight! AWWWWWWW YEAAAAAAAAH!!!
Soldier ran head first at the post office. He burst through the doors and shouted
Soldier: ALRIGHT MEN! WHO'S THE FIRST VICTIM OF THE ONE-MAN HUMAN ARMY!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!
Soldier started breathing heavily after the loud scream took his breath away. He realized that there was only one pony in the room, a grey pegasus pony with a blonde mane.
Soldier: Ooookay then. YOU!
Derpy: Who, me?
Soldier: YES YOU! Are you ready to feel the power of pain from the BLU-killing machine that is me!?
Derpy: Oh, sorry. I'm still on duty for the next five seconds.
five...four...three...two...one...
Derpy: Okay, my shift's over. Now we can play. Just let me grab my stuff and we can go.
Derpy slowly walked over to the employee lockers. As she was walking, she accidentally slipped on an envelope and flew up into the air. She then proceeded to land on the floor, making a massive hole. She slowly flew up, still dazed, and knocked over some shelves. She then proceeded to knock over the lockers like dominoes. When all was done the post office was in ruins.
Derpy: Whoops. My bad.
Soldier: That was... THE SINGLE GREATEST INSTITUTE OF DESTRUCTION CAUSED BY A SINGLE ANIMAL SINCE THE ERA OF SUN TZU!
Derpy: Um... Thank you? You're the only who thinks breaking things is a good thing. Everypony else just scolds me and tells me to be more careful. I'll take you back to my house.
Soldier: Yes. Show me your lair of destruction.
At Derpy's house...
Derpy: Dinky, I'm home!
Dinky: Hi mom!
Derpy: What's your name?
Soldier: I am Soldier. And you are?
Derpy: My name's Derpy.
Soldier: I see.
Derpy: Okay. Soldier, this is my daughter, Dinky.
Soldier: Aw, she's adorable. gonna be a real destructive one someday. Yes sir, I... AHHHHHHH! NO! NOT NOW!
Derpy: What's wrong?!?
Soldier: I'm transforming... I need a muffin... to change back...
Derpy: Muffins are my specialty. Coming right up.
Derpy proceeded to bake a muffin faster than ever before.
???: Hm?
Derpy: Okay, here you go Soldier.
???: I am not Soldier.
Derpy: Then who are you?
???: I am Painis Cupcake.
Derpy: So that's why you need a muffin.
Derpy offered the muffin to this new, strange faced being in the place of her new friend. He ate the whole thing in one bite.
Painis: MMMMMMMMMM. Muffin good. Wait. Muffin?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Soldier: Ohhhhhh... Thanks, Derpy. You saved me. That was a dark, evil side of me that seeks only to eat anything it can find. It comes out from time to time, and the only antidote is a baked good other than a cupcake. I said muffin because I saw the muffin mix in the kitchen. Now that that's all said and done, We need to teach you how to control your destructive nature. I have plans for you. You'll be good, girl. Maybe even the best.