They stood there, in silence, for at least ten minutes. They could do nothing but stare. Rumble was also squinting a little, trying to understand what he was looking at.
“Well,” he finally said, looking at the rest. “The sexy mummy got squashed by the microwave. Now that’s a sentence for the ages.”
“We gotta look for the paramedics, don’t we?” Pumpkin said, poking Snips on the head. “Like, for Snips too, I mean.”
“Yeah,” Diamond Tiara said. “He could wait till tomorrow before, but I guess microwaves are serious business.”
“Um.” Babs Seed looked to the side and coughed. Her cheeks were noticeably pinker than usual. “If it is of any consolation, I’m really sorry for what I did.”
“The worst part is where he got hurt,” Rumble continued, as if he hadn’t heard the rest talk. “I mean, ouch. Right on the dingadonger.”
Pound Cake frowned as he looked at Babs. “Where did you get all those microwaves, anyway?” he asked. “I mean—”
“Diamond Tiara’s kitchen is well-equipped and I can carry a lot of weight.” She shrugged. “Wasn’t really thinking.”
Pumpkin’s eyes were almost completely white, the way her pupils shrunk. “Yes, we could tell!” she yelled, looking at Babs. “You were trying to kill me! Are all Manehattanites that stupid, or are you the wonder child of the city?!”
“Oh, I’m not letting that one pass, you—!”
“BABS!” Apple Bloom said, pressing a hoof against her cousin’s chest. “Don’t you think you’ve done enough already?!”
Babs Seed bit her lip and stopped, looking down. However, the moment Apple Bloom let her go, she pointed at her own eyes, then at Pumpkin Cake, and sealed it with a killer glare.
Pumpkin didn’t say anything, but she clearly mouthed the words “Whenever you want.”
“You think Snips will come out of this?” Sweetie Belle asked, frowning at the mess that had been her friend. Spike was there, too, but he didn’t look half as bad. “I mean…”
“Well, he’s used to this kind of stuff,” Pound said. After he talked, the whole group went silent for a couple seconds, mesmerized by the way his lips looked even softer when they moved. “I mean, he does it every time, right?”
“The microwave was a bit of a wild card, though,” Diamond Tiara said.
“Eh, he’ll get over it.”
“And talking about getting over things.” Sweetie Belle looked at Pound. Then looked some more. Then some more. Then Pumpkin elbowed her, and she shook her head. “Yes! I’m—yes, uh, Pound? If you don’t mind my asking, we saw Snips waiting by your door before.”
Pound nodded. “Yeah.”
“And then he came out of your room.”
“Uh-huh.”
“So…” Sweetie Belle waved a hoof in the air. “Did you, like…? Go and…?”
“Power-bottomed him.” Pound Cake nodded. His face was completely serious. “Yes.”
“Oh.” Sweetie blinked, then fanned herself a little. “Oh—w-wow. Oh my goodness.”
Pound gave her half a smile. “Yeah.”
“Wait.” Apple Bloom looked at him. Then looked some more. Then Pumpkin cleared her throat. “Gah!” She slapped herself. “Ah mean… power bottom? I see you more like a power-top?”
“Well, yes,” Pound said. “Both.”
“Oh my goodness.”
“I mean, recently I mostly power through everything, to be honest.”
“Ah!” Diamond Tiara grinned and raised a hoof. “I can attest to that!”
“Wait, what?!” Apple Bloom’s eyes went wide, then from Diamond Tiara to Pound—stare, stare, Pumpkin throwing one of her bows at her face, back to reality—to Diamond Tiara again. “Recently?!”
“OH MY DEAR GOODNESS.”
“Uh.” Diamond Tiara blinked. The grin went out her face and she lowered the hoof fast as lightning. “No.”
“Hey.” Rumble pointed at Sweetie Belle. “I think she needs to sit down or something.”
“SURE IS HOT IN HERE!”
“Sweetie Belle.” Apple Bloom glared. She really made sure to keep her eyes steady and not to look at DT. “Get a grip.”
Diamond Tiara bit her lip and looked at Apple Bloom. “Hey, I just—”
Apple Bloom flicked her mane, just enough to hide her face from Diamond Tiara. The latter took a step back and lowered her head.
Silence filled the group. Pound looked from one mare to another, not sure what to do. Pumpkin just put a hoof on his shoulder and shook her head in silence.
Babs was the one who broke the quietness first. “Um, cuz, maybe you should—”
“Not your business, Babs,” Apple Bloom shot back, making Babs flinch.
“Yeah, stay out of this,” Pumpkin whispered. “City girl.”
“OH, THAT’S IT! YOU AIN’T CALLING ME—”
“BABS!”
“But…!” Babs looked at Apple Bloom, ears flat against her head, mouth down in a frown. “But she called me a city girl!”
“And you’re from Manehattan!”
“Yes, but she meant it!”
“Okay, Ah see you’re still bein’ an idiot.” Apple Bloom shook her head and grabbed Babs’ tail with her mouth, earning a yelp from her. “Hmm gtng ympf mmpf pf mpfrfrf!”
Babs yelped again when Apple Bloom gave another pull. “Hey! What the hell are you doing?!”
“Mpff gtng mpfff mpf-pfff!”
“Yes, that was completely understandable.”
“Mpff—ptoo—Ah’m gettin’ you outta here,” Apple Bloom said. “Not riskin’ it. We’re goin’ upstairs, and you—” she looked at Pumpkin Cake, “are stayin’ here. Sweetie Belle, you stay with ‘er, and please, try not to make another mess.”
Babs frowned. “Well, I guess that I can relax a little if I’m away from—”
“Not relax. Nopony’s relaxin’ here.” Apple Bloom looked at the whole crowd, daring them to speak against her. Nopony did. “We’re lookin’ for the paramedics, and stayin’ away from Snips and Spike, ‘cause it’s safer that way. Good?”
A bunch of mutters and growls, made up of different varieties of “yes” and “I guess.”
“Good, then. Upstairs with ya, Babs.”
“I’ll go with you!” Diamond Tiara said, perhaps a little too enthusiastically, taking again a step towards Apple Bloom. There was a chof as she stepped on Snips’ stomach. “Oh. Heheh. Ooops.” She shrugged, giving them all the most innocent of smiles, and took a step to the side. “Sorry, I wasn’t look—” Chof.
Silence.
Diamond Tiara blinked. “Well, that was definitely not planned. Let me just—” Chof. “Nnnot that way. Maybe if—” Chof.
“Aaaaand right in the dingadonger.”
“Shut up, Rumble! I’m trying to—” Chof. “Okay, in my defense, this is way harder than it looks!”
“Celestia’s sake—you know what? Just, just stay there,” Apple Bloom said, not as much talking as spitting the words. “Ah’ll go with—”
“No, no! Let me—” Choffle.
“Aaaaand right in the second dingadonger.”
“STAY THERE!” Apple Bloom yelled. Diamond Tiara flinched, and AB noticed she’d raised a hoof. But then she stopped, took a deep breath, and lowered her voice. “Ahem,” she said, rubbing the space between her eyes. “Just try to stop helpin’, DT. Please.”
“But—!”
“You stay ‘ere with Sweetie Belle and Dinky,” Apple Bloom said. “Look for the paramedics, okay?” She blinked. “And… wait a moment. Dinky?”
“Uh.” Pumpkin looked around. “She’s not here?”
“Apparently! Where in tarnation is that mare now?”
“…And that’s how you load the Party Cannon!” Pinkie said, closing the tube with the last piece of cardboard. “Now all you gotta do is fill it with mustard, and remember not to breathe the gas! Also, avoid pointing it at pregnant mares or ponies with a faint heart. Unless you want to have fun!”
“Hah!” Dinky shook her tube. It was a big, almost menacing thing with drawings of balloons and streamers and sweets all over it. “Really?”
“Hahah. No. They’ll die.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Silence.
“So, how did you find this out again…?”
“You really don’t want to ask that question.”
“Eh. She’s probably doing something harmless that won’t have any consequences whatsoever later on,” Rumble said, shrugging. “Let her be. You know how she is.”
“Yeah.” Apple Bloom sighed. “Anyway, Sweetie Belle, you go with Diamond Tiara—“
Chof. “Sorry! I’m really sorry!”
“—and, Ah don’t know. Try not to kill anypony.” Apple Bloom glared at DT. “Make sure she doesn’t get near any sharp objects.”
Sweetie Belle saluted. “On it!”
“Pound Cake, you’re probably the strongest one.” Apple Bloom made sure not to stare at Pound as she talked this time. It was hard—she was really digging the diamond hooves. “You come with me, and help me take care of Babs if she loses her mind.”
“Careful, Pound,” Pumpkin said, hoof-bumping her brother and pointing at Babs Seed with a nod. “She’s crazy. You don’t wanna talk about Pinkie.”
Pound frowned. “I don’t?”
Pumpkin gritted her teeth. “No.”
“Wait, wait, wait.” Diamond Tiara managed to point at Pound. “You’re going with him?!”
“DT, we’ve got no time for this.” Apple Bloom shook her head. “Pumpkin, you go with Silver Spoon and…”
Silence.
It dawned on the entire group that Silver Spoon and Twist hadn’t talked since the microwave-meets-sexy-mummy-who-happens-to-be-Snips incident. They were too busy staring at each other—Silver Spoon had a weird look in her eyes, a mixture of embarrassment and fear and a little bit of lust. Twist’s was easier to read: she was just absolutely pissed. And covered in baby dragon.
“…And, you know what?” Apple Bloom said. “You better go with Sweetie Belle, too. Let’s let them, uh. Sort things out?”
“Yyyyyyeah.” Pumpkin nodded slowly. “I think that’ll be safer.”
“Good. Rumble, you—”
“I’ll look for the paramedics with them, too,” Rumble said. Apple Bloom nodded at him, thankful. Rumble was quicker on the uptake than the rest. “We take downstairs, you take upstairs. Meet back here in twenty minutes.”
“Aye.”
“Eeyup.”
“Good.”
“Okay.” Apple Bloom looked at Silver Spoon and Twist one last time. “So, uh. See ya.”
They all went away faster than one can say “this is gonna be one weird couple fight”.
It didn’t take long for Rumble, Pumpkin, Sweetie Belle, and Diamond Tiara to think of a place to look for the paramedics. Two tall guys dressed in white—they shouldn’t be hard to find. So they went to the dancefloor, which was rather empty at the moment, as the music had stopped long ago to give a rest to the ears of everypony in the party.
“What I’m wondering the most right now, though,” Pumpkin Cake was saying as they looked around—under the table, behind the sofa, in the middle of that group of mares giggling about some raunchy joke—all together like a pack of wolves, “is how exactly one goes from doing this to beating somepony with a bottle.”
Diamond Tiara didn’t answer. She was too busy frowning and looking mildly offended at everypony, raising her knees a little too much while walking and kicking every piece of furniture at hand. The most Pumpkin got was a groan that sounded like “Hmmmmrfpoundcake.”
“I take that as ‘we’re idiots who didn’t think that much about it’, then?”
“My best guess,” Rumble said, “is that Diamond Tiara had already beaten someone unconscious with that bottle, right? So she—excuse me, have you seen the paramedics? No? Okay, never mind then. Sorry, I have a girlfriend.” He smiled and fluttered away from the mare. “I think they’re not in here.”
Sweetie Belle looked behind the television. “Hm. I can’t see them. Let’s go to the hall?”
“Hmmmmmmfrshould’vebeenmeinstead.”
“Sounds good,” Pumpkin said, eyeing the crowd once more. “Anyway, Rumble?”
“Yes?”
“You were saying?”
“What? Ah!” Rumble clapped. “Right, yes.” He flew a couple meters higher, made sure to look around the whole room for the last time, then landed right next to Diamond Tiara and patted her on the head. “She’d already beaten someone unconscious with the bottle, right?”
“Yeah?”
“So she just wanted to give a try at the other meaning of that sentence.”
It took Pumpkin a moment.
Then she punched him in the shoulder. “Nerd,” she said, smiling.
“Well, I’m honestly hoping that’s the reason,” Sweetie Belle said. “Because trust me, what I found out was worse.” She sighed and shook her head as they walked to the hall. It was actually emptier than the dancefloor—and with just one look she could tell there were no paramedics near. “Well, darn. This is going to be hard.”
“Hmmmmmmmmfrdumbgrudgemakesnosense.”
“Aw, cheer up, DT!” Sweetie Belle got right next to Diamond Tiara and put a foreleg over her shoulders, smiling. “I’m sure Apple Bloom will forgive you soon!”
“Yeah.” Pumpkin nodded, trotting alongside the two friends and looking under the table. Three mares playing adult hide-and-seek, but nothing else. “She’s just stressed.”
“Hmmmmmmmmmmfrstupid.”
“Hey, you were the one messing up,” Pumpkin said. “Reap what you sow.”
“Plus, it could be worse!” Rumble said, hovering right on top of Diamond Tiara, looking at the ponies in the hall one by one, just in case the paramedics had taken the uniforms off. “You could be like Silver Spoon.”
“Oh, yeah.” Sweetie Belle nodded, and nudged Diamond Tiara. “At least you’re not them!”
“YOU THREW A BABY DRAGON AT ME!”
“Okay.” Silver Spoon raised her hooves, trying to keep Twist away. It wasn’t nearly as easy as it sounded. “First off, I didn’t. Spike was coming toward us. So, rather, I threw you at a baby dragon, and—”
“I AM SOAKED IN DRAGON JUICES! I AM NEVER GOING TO GET THE SMELL OFF MY COAT!”
“Um. Would it be too much to ask you to take a step back?”
“YES, IT WOULD!”
“You’re stepping on Snips.”
“I AM NOT!”
Chof.
Silence.
“Stars and stones, you’re such a los—”
“SHUT UP!”
“And you’re sure they went in that direction?” Sweetie Belle asked. “Through that door? Thanks! No, I won’t dance again today. Well, I think. Hm. Oh, okay, if you ask that nicely.” She smiled and walked away. “They went there,” she said once she got to Pumpkin and Rumble, pointing at one of the doors that led to the library. “Like half an hour ago.”
“Gosh.” Rumble swept the sweat off his forehead. “The paramedics sure like to party, don’t they?”
“Not a party till the paramedics are here,” Pumpkin said, nodding. Then she looked at Diamond Tiara, who was right now busy kicking a sofa to show the world she was annoyed. “Hey, do you think they might still be in the library?”
“HmmmmmmmmmrfprobablyIdon’tknownorcare.”
“Well, at least she’s speaking about something else,” Pumpkin muttered. “Let’s go?”
Sweetie answered her question by opening the door.
“Guess that’s a yes.”
“The thing that ticks me off the most,” Rumble said, this time walking behind Diamond Tiara, “is that this could have been avoided if at least one pony had showed some judgement back there.”
“Hey, blueboy, you weren’t there!” Pumpkin said, sticking her tongue out. “Plus, Spike was already hurt, so…”
“He was?”
“Yeah! Although I don’t know why.” Pumpkin elbowed Diamond Tiara. “Hey, what happened to Spike?”
“HmmmmmmmrfApplebloomstail.”
Silence.
“You really have only one thing on your mind all the time, don’t you?”
“YOU WERE BEING NICE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR LIFE, AND I WAS THERE GETTING MY HOPES UP, THINKING THAT FOR ONCE YOU WOULDN’T BE HORRIBLE AND—”
“Hey!” Silver Spoon made a stand there, stomping one hoof on the ground. Clink. “You can hardly blame me for that! I—wait. ‘Clink’?”
Twist looked down. “Huh. It’s Spike you stepped on.”
“Woah, okay, messed up big time there. Let me just—” Chof. “There, much better.”
“Definitely.”
“Anyway! You can hardly blame me for that—I’m always horrible!” Silver Spoon pointed at herself. “That’s who I am! Comes with the package!”
“YES, BUT THERE ARE TIMES AND PLACES TO BE HORRIBLE, SILVER SPOON!”
“Okay, can somepony please stop messing around with the books and answer my questions?!” Pumpkin asked. “No? You sure? Yes, the one who just pulled that out of her—woah wait it was in there? Lady, you’re braver than me. Anyway, you seen the paramedics? The ones with the uniform?”
A pause, as the other mare talked.
“Uh. I’m not sure, let me ask.” Pumpkin turned around. “HEY, SWEETIE BELLE!”
“YES?” replied Sweetie Belle from the other side of the room.
“WOULD YOU SAY THE PARAMEDICS’ UNIFORM IS A SEXY ONE?”
“MOSTLY IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU’RE INTO!”
“Okay.” Pumpkin turned to the mare again. “What are you into?”
Another pause.
“Uh-huh. SWEETIE BELLE!”
“WHAT?”
“SHE JUST POINTED AT THE WHOLE ROOM!”
“THEN YES, THE UNIFORM IS SEXY!”
“You know you can just ask another mare, right?” Rumble asked, looking at Pumpkin. “Like, you don’t need to go revealing the secrets of any pony that talks with you.”
“She looks rather willing to share that info with the world,” Pumpkin said.
The mare agreed. Rather enthusiastically, even. Rumble and Pumpkin listened to the surprisingly explicit explanation on how the mare wanted everypony, especially that mare over there, to know what she was into, because that mare over there really looked like she could use some fun, wink wink.
And also by “fun” she meant this and this and especially this. She made a gesture to further prove her point. With this. Why, yes, you might ask where did she get a three-headed whip, but make sure you want to know the answer. Also that guy will join.
The guy looked at them from three meters away. “Wait, you mean me?”
Yes, that guy.
“Awesome! I have a whip too!”
“Okay, you know what? We’re just—we’re just going to leave.” Rumble smiled at the mare, nodded hard, and then took Pumpkin by the shoulders and walked away. The mare still tried to convince them to stay, though, but Rumble paid her no heed.
“Well, that was educational,” Pumpkin said once they were far enough to be safe. “Didn’t know one could bend that way.”
“I feel violated,” Rumble said.
“Really?”
“Yes. But I’m going to ask Lemon Daze if she wants a whip.”
“Hahah. Gross. Hey, DT!” Pumpkin trotted towards the owner of the house and poked her in the stomach. “We just talked to a mare who wanted to cheer you up!”
“Hmmmmmmmmmmrfapplebloom?”
“Nope.”
“Hmmmmmmmmmrfmakeitworse.”
“Yeah, probably.”
“Okay, guys.” Sweetie Belle made it to them—she had to venture through what could only be described as a metaphorical middle finger towards celibacy to get there, but darn it if she couldn’t make sacrifices for the greater good sometimes. She also got a chance to slap a flank, which was pretty cool. “Bad news.”
“The paramedics aren’t here?”
“No.” Sweetie Belle sighed. “And they’ve never been. That other mare was probably either lying or mistaken, because the paramedics have never stepped into this library.”
“Damn it.” Rumble crossed his legs. “This is so stupid. We’re not going anywhere.”
“Yeah. We’ll never find them like this,” Sweetie Belle said. “The house is too big, and everypony is too busy to do anything.”
“But what else can we do?” Pumpkin asked, kicking away a book that fell towards her. The room was shaking so hard there were barely any books on the shelves by now. “It’s not like anypony is going to know where they a—wait a second. This is the second time I've had this realization.”
“YOU CAN’T BE HORRIBLE LIKE THAT WITH ME!” Twist was so close to Silver Spoon, their foreheads were pressing together. “THAT’S NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN DO!”
“You are blowing this way out of proportion here—”
“NO, I’M NOT!”
Silence.
Silver Spoon frowned. Twist was panting, looking at her with obvious expectation.
So she squinted and gave it a try. “Uh… Yes, you are?”
Twist yelled even harder. “SCREW YOU, SILVER SPOON!”
“Okay, so wrong answer.”
“CAN YOU AT LEAST TRY TO READ THE STUPID MOOD?!”
“I am reading the mood! You’re screaming, I’m being laid back on purpose to mess with you. That is some fine reading right the—”
“I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS STUPID ARGUMENT!”
A pause.
“Wait.” Silver Spoon blinked. “You’re not?”
“OF COURSE I’M NOT! I’M NOT EVEN ANGRY ABOUT THIS ANYM—okay no, I’m still angry. That was a jerk move on your part.”
“Guilty as charged.”
“BUT THAT’S NOT THE ISSUE!” Twist got away from Silver Spoon so suddenly the latter tripped and almost fell to the floor. Twist then walked away, facing the opposite direction and throwing her hooves in the air. “IT’S NOT ABOUT THE GESTURE, IT’S ABOUT THE CONTEXT, IT’S ABOUT THIS… THIS WHOLE THING!”
Silver Spoon sat on the ground—Chof—and scratched the back of her neck. “It’s about how I call you a loser all the time?”
“NO!” Twist grabbed her head. “ARGH! I MEAN, YES!”
“So.” Silver Spoon frowned. “No but you mean yes?”
“MAYBE! IT’S AMBIGUOUS!”
“Would it help if I called you a loser now?”
“NO!”
“Is that ambiguous too?”
“I AM GOING TO GET YOU PREGNANT!”
Silence.
Silver Spoon got up. “Okay so I’m fairly sure that’s a biological impossibility, unless I seriously misjudged you, in which case I—ARGH, MY BUTT!”
“Aaaaaw.” Pinkie Pie giggled and ruffled Pumpkin Cake’s head, earning a pleasant squeak from her. “Of course you didn’t find the paramedics, you silly-willy-filly! You’re facing the wrong way!”
The kitchen looked bigger with Pinkie inside. Rumble had never been there before, but even he could tell the presence of Pinkie Pie in an apron would increase the size and kitchenness of any room.
So while Sweetie Belle, Diamond Tiara, and Pumpkin Cake sat at the table, listening to Pinkie, he just walked around the place, taking it all in. “Wow,” he said.
“Right?” Dinky was carrying something big, round, gun-like, and dangerously home-made on her shoulder while walking with him. “The place’s almost ominous now.”
“It’s amazing. What’s that you’re carrying?”
“Oh, Pinkie Pie told me about her Party Cannon, right?”
“Yes?”
“And I thought, hey, maybe we could take the ‘party’ part away. This can blast a guy twenty meters away.” Dinky smiled. “I have no idea what I’m going to do with it.”
Rumble looked at it. “Huh. Where did you get the materials?”
“I just disassembled some microwaves.”
“You did? Funny. I can’t see a single one in here.”
At the table, Sweetie Belle crossed her forelegs and looked at Pinkie like a soldier looks at his general. “What do you mean, the wrong way?” she asked.
“Not the right way!” Pinkie chirped.
“Huh. Logical.”
“So you can help us, then?” Pumpkin said, hope in her eyes. You could see it was hope because they were kind of twinkling, but not in a bad way. “You already baked the cake!”
They all looked at the right side of the table. A cake the size of a small horse stood tall, defying every single law of physics and diet ever. By its side, there was a pot full of cold water. “Indeed I did!” Pinkie said. “It was a challenge! They keep everything in the fridge, it was so weird.”
“RIGHT?!”
“Like, Babs was stuffed with microwaves when she came out of here, and I don’t see any.”
“Oh, yeah.” Dinky frowned as she looked around too. “That was so weird, but, like, in a cool way.”
“I’m just wondering where they’re stored, that’s all.”
“That cupboard.”
“Oooh.”
“You’ve cheated, though!” Pinkie frowned a little and rested her back on the chair, shooting each of the three mares in front of her a judgmental look. “You went and called me for help, just like that! That’s not how one makes a party!”
“But we needed you!”
“Well, you shouldn’t need me that much, then.” Pinkie blinked, and the bad look went away instantly, switched by a warm smile. She ruffled Pumpkin’s hair once more. “D’aw, but I can’t be mad at you. You did all you could, right?”
“Hmmmmmmmrfwhatever.”
“Uh.” Sweetie Belle scratched her forehead. “Well, we did look for the paramedics really thoroughly, I guess…”
“I’m not talking about that!” Pinkie said, letting Pumpkin go. “Sweetie Belle, this is a party! You need to know how to work yourself around a party!”
The three mares blinked. “What?”
Pinkie tched. “Look, you three need to understand this.” She pointed. “Diamond Tiara, you’re the one who organized this. Sweetie Belle, you and Apple Bloom and Scootaloo should know you have some responsibilities. And Pumpkin, you’ll be Ponyville’s Premiere Party Pony once I’m gone! So you can’t go cheating like that!”
Diamond Tiara sighed. The frown went away from her face for the first time since Apple Bloom had ditched her, although she still looked kind of mad. “What the hell are we talking about,” she said. “Do you know where the paramedics are, or…?”
“Of course I know where the paramedics are!” Pinkie said, resting her hooves on her hips. “I mean, duh! But you should know that too, you silly! If you go and ask me for help, you’re not working, so you’re cheating. And cheating is bad!”
Pumpkin looked distressed. “But…!”
“No buts, young lady!” Pinkie knocked on her head. “Pinkie’s talking!”
“Ow!”
“Now, I know that it’s hard.” Pinkie looked around, at the kitchen, the party, the whole house. “This is not the same kind of party I always make with my friends. And that’s fine! Parties evolve. Ponies evolve. And that’s also fine! You get new teeth and stuff.”
Diamond Tiara’s face didn’t change at all. “What.”
“But even if you do things differently, there are some rules. You’re the new generation, girls, and you need to start thinking like that—we can’t be in charge all the time, so you gotta take the torch and solve your problems by yourselves!” Pinkie rolled her eyes. “What, you think we never knocked anypony out during a party? Hah! You should have been there when I celebrated Princess Luna’s thousandth birthday!”
Sweetie Belle straightened her back. “Hey, I remember that! Rarity didn’t come back home until two weeks later, and she was covered in dirt and—”
“Oh, yeah.” Pinkie waved a hoof. “Rarity. We buried her alive.”
“You buried her al—WHAT.”
“She’s a heavy sleeper and we jump to conclusions now and then.” Pinkie Pie shrugged and looked away from Sweetie Belle. “Anyway…”
“Okay.” Rumble looked at the contents of the cupboard. “So, question.”
Dinky nodded. “Shoot.”
“The Rich family has twenty-seven microwaves in this kitchen.”
“Yes.”
“Why does the Rich family have twenty-seven microwaves in this kitchen.”
“Well, look at it this way: what would you buy twenty-seven times if you had their money?”
Rumble didn’t say a word. He just looked at the microwaves and frowned, deep in thought.
Dinky smiled. “Well, there’s your answer.”
“What I’m getting at,” Pinkie Pie said, ignoring Sweetie Belle with the nerve of somepony used to ignoring ponies like her on a daily basis, “is that we also got in trouble, but we never asked for help, now did we?”
“Hey!” Diamond Tiara, slammed the table. “Don’t give us that! You went running to Princess Celestia every two weeks!”
“Why, yes. She sure helped a lot, now didn't she.”
Silence.
Diamond Tiara squinted. “Damn.”
Pinkie replied with a smirk. “See? Parties are important; you get in trouble during parties. But you need to know how they work! They have a structure, they have rules one has to follow! Calling good old Pinkie is not one of them, because you’re taking the easy way out!”
“So,” Rumble said. “Next question: some of those microwaves are bigger than others.”
“Nature is wise,” Dinky replied, nodding.
“And… Okay, so this might be weird to ask, but by any chance aren’t you feeling curious as to what happens if one microwaves a microwave?”
“Rumble, if you didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d be having your babies this very instant.”
“I’ll be taking that as a yes.”
“But Pinkie, we really needed you!” Pumpkin pointed at the cake. “Somepony had to help them while I baked the cake, and—”
“And I baked that cake so you could help with the paramedics thing instead!” Pinkie said. “Why do you think I didn’t go after you when Babs started throwing microwaves?”
Diamond Tiara arched an eyebrow. “We mostly assumed you’re a sociopath.”
“And how right you are!” Pinkie said, winking at her. “But no that’s not the point. I did that because, well, obviously somepony had to bake the cake, but I know my parties, and the whole paramedic thing was supposed to be the climax.”
“The climax?”
“The climax?”
“That sounds sexual.”
Pinkie nodded. “Yes, the climax! But you blew it!”
“We blew it?”
“We blew it?”
“That sounds even more sexual.”
Pumpkin looked at Diamond Tiara, annoyed. “DT, shush.”
“Well, somepony’s gotta point it out. Might as well be me.”
“Yes, you blew it,” Pinkie said, not bothering to look at Diamond Tiara. “I mean, seriously! Spike crashing on Twist? Snips going Number Ten in midair? That just screams ‘end of the party’! Finish it with a bang!”
“Hey, Silver Spoon can still do that,” Diamond Tiara pointed out. “I mean, unless she messes it up big time, but not even she is that dumb.”
“HOW CAN YOU BE THIS DUMB?!”
Silence.
“Huh.” Silver Spoon looked around. “I don’t know why, but that remark felt really predictabl—”
“SHUT UP! SWEET BABY CELESTIA, JUST SHUT UP!” Twist sat on the ground, defeated. She was so red in the face it was a miracle there wasn’t steam coming out her ears. “I’M TRYING TO SORT THINGS OUT HERE, AND YOU’RE JUST THERE BEING AN IDIOT!”
“Again.” Silver Spoon pointed at herself. “Comes with the package.”
“BUT NOT LIKE THIS! I JUST—Argh!” Twist took a deep breath and glared at Silver Spoon. “I can never read you! That’s the problem here!”
“Don’t ask me to change, babe—wait.” Silver Spoon frowned. “Wait, wait, wait.” She shook her head. “Okay, I’m paying attention now.”
“Well, that gives me hope.”
“You can’t read me?” Silver Spoon asked. “The hell do you mean, you can’t read me? You wear reading glasses!”
“No, I can’t! It’s impossible! And I’m ignoring that remark for the sake of the argument.”
“Seems fair.”
Twist got up once more and started walking in circles around Silver Spoon. “First you hate me, then you hate me and start calling me a loser, and now this?! Just what do you want?!”
“Hey, hey, hey!” Silver Spoon got up too and faced Twist. “Don’t give me that—I have been extremely obvious! You know what I want!”
“Oh, do I?!” Twist let out a forced laugh. Almost sounded like a bark, which fitted her, seeing how she was acting, Silver Spoon thought. “Look, you being a jerk? I can buy that. I can understand you being a huge jerk to me, because that’s how you act. But then you soften the blows and just call me a ‘loser’ all the time.”
“That’d be because you’re one great big lo—”
“I am also ignoring that remark for the sake of the argument.”
“Yes, yes, sorry. I’m tired. Not bringing my top game here, no. Though I’m sure you’d like—”
“You made that joke already.”
“Damn.”
Twist sighed. “So yes, you try to be a jerk, because that’s how you communicate, but you don’t go full-jerk, so what the hell am I supposed to get there?” She arched an eyebrow. “That you hate me? That you hate me? You despise me so much you can’t even be eloquent, or it’s the exact opposite?”
“Well, I just—”
“And then,” Twist interrupted, raising her voice so Silver Spoon couldn’t talk, “you go and are nice to me. You do a really sweet thing, and I think that hey, maybe I’m finally getting what you’re trying to do!”
“That was just—!”
“BUT THEN!” Twist’s voice went from ‘slightly loud’ to ‘hide your children’ levels. “WHEN I THINK THAT I’VE FIGURED YOU OUT, YOU GO AND THROW ME TOWARDS A BABY DRAGON!”
Silence.
Silver Spoon squinted. “Well, drat. You said it right this time. Now I don’t know what I’m supposed to—”
“FAITHFUL LUNA ABOVE, I AM GOING TO MURD—okay. Okay, you know what?” Twist pressed a hoof against her forehead and pushed Silver Spoon aside. “Forget it. You can play the game as much as you want, but don’t count on me.”
“Hey!” Silver Spoon’s pupils shrank, turning into two barely visible dots. Her ears went flat against her head, her tail went between her legs, but she pressed back against Twist. “No, you can’t say that! What the hell do you mean, I can’t count on you? We clearly have something going on!”
“No, Silver Spoon. You have something going on with me, but I give up.” Twist didn’t raise her voice at all, and somehow that was worse. “Do whatever you want. I’m tired of this.”
“You can’t be tired of anything!” Silver Spoon’s voice, on the other hand, got more and more high-pitched with every word. She barely noticed she was hyperventilating. “I mean, we’ve got nothing going on anyway!”
“Well, you lost your chance, then.” Twist turned around and walked away.
Silver Spoon stood there, completely dumbfounded, for about two seconds. Then she blinked. “What the—Hey! No—hey!” She took a step forward, grabbed Twist by the tail, and pulled. Once they were face to face again, she pressed their foreheads together. “Are you kidding me? The very fact that you’re angry—that we’re having this conversation, really—kind of proves my point, doesn’t it?”
“Maybe it doesn’t.” Twist didn’t seem to care how close they were to each other. In fact, she grabbed Silver Spoon’s head tightly so she couldn’t escape. Her voice was low and sweet. “So you better say it out loudly and clearly, or else you can kiss my ass goodbye.”
Silence.
“So is that an invitation or—”
“You know exactly what it is.”
“Damn it.”
“Okay, so now you plug it in there.” Rumble pointed. “This is going to be so great.”
“I know, right? I feel like such an adult. Which microwave do we microwave?”
“Which looks more likely to explode?”
“This one.”
“Well, there’s your answer.”
“What I mean is,” Pinkie was saying, “that there’s no real way to follow up Snips going Number Ten in midair. No matter what you do, it’s going to drag on and probably be a bummer.” She made a pout. “And nopony likes bummers! And come on, looking for the paramedics? You were doing that already, so going back to it once the good part is done is just not that fun.”
“Uh.” Sweetie Belle raised a hoof. Pinkie pointed at her and nodded, so she talked. “…And why would we care about it being fun, exactly?”
“Because this is a party, you silly!” Pinkie said. There was a smile in her eyes and her voice, though her mouth didn’t feel like joining them. “Of course you need to have fun! Having fun is the number one rule!”
“But Spike and Snips need help!”
“Well, then look for them while having fun! We used to have fun and do stuff like that all the time, you know? We partied almost every week!” Pinkie nodded to herself. “Good times, good times.”
“You still party like once a week, Pinkie. My sister is never home.”
“Well, yes, but that’s just because we’re good at it. Parties are tricky! You need to notice everything around you for them to work!”
Bzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum.
“This is going to be so cool.”
“No.” Dinky squinted. “This is going to be so cool.”
“Ah. Yeah, the way you said it. Far better.”
“Okay, so can we cut to the chase already?” Diamond Tiara asked. “I mean, I’m trying to be angry here, and we are—ah!” She blinked and clapped once. “Oh my gosh! I almost forgot it! Pinkie Pie!”
Pinkie looked at her and smiled. “Yes?”
“You’re the biggest authority about parties in Ponyville, right? Everything you say is the law!”
Pinkie’s smile grew wider. “Yes!”
“Good!” Diamond Tiara leaned towards her, eyes gleaming, fierce grimace on her face. “Okay, so what are your views on self-mutilation?”
Silence.
Pinkie’s smile froze completely. When she spoke, she did so without moving an inch, from the corner of her mouth. “Um. Pumpkin?”
“Yes?”
“Mmmmmaybe you should get some new friends.”
“What? You just told us how you once buried Rarity alive!”
“Well, yes, but at least we had the decency to bury her whole.”
Bzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum.
Rumble sighed with satisfaction. “You know,” he said, his voice dreamy, “of all the things I’ve done today, this one is by far the best one that—”
Bzuuuu—BOOOM!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“OH MY GOSH IT EXPLODED! OH MY GOSH IT EXPLODED SO HARD!”
“THIS WAS SUCH AN UNPREDICTABLE OUTCOME!”
Pinkie shook her head. “So anyway, sociopaths aside—”
“Oh, like you’re one to talk!” DT scoffed.
“Yeah, I’m starting to think Ponyville’s levels of moral depravity are not normal,” Sweetie Belle muttered, frowning.
Silence. Everypony looked at her.
Sweetie Belle blinked. “Uh. Like, even if we ignore the whole ‘sex’ thing, I mean.”
Everypony nodded and made agreeing noises.
“So, ahem.” Pinkie tapped the table a couple times until she made sure everypony was paying attention to her. “This is your party, girls, and you messed up the whole rhythm of it by having the most fun before finishing it, and then trying to do the same thing twice to help Snips and Spike.”
“SHIVER MY DINGLEDONGER THIS THING IS ALSO ON FIRE!”
“WHEN WILL THE UNPREDICTABILITY STOP?!”
“That was a mistake. You should have thought about it better. Coordination, girls!”
“But…!” Pumpkin looked at her two companions. They looked as lost as her. “But that doesn’t make sense! It’s not like we had control over any of that!”
DT coughed and looked to the side.
And Pinkie Pie sighed. “Weeeell. I guess you are young. You see, girls, there’s a thing you must know: you are always in control, as long as you think about it hard enough!” Her eyes looked warmer than usual. Probably because they were reflecting the flames at the other side of the room. “You control the party, because you made it. You know everything that’s going on in there.”
“But that’s impossible!” Sweetie Belle said. “Nopony can know everything!”
“OKAY GIRLS I KNOW YOU’RE HAVING FUN OVER THERE BUT DINKY AND I JUST NOTICED THAT THE KITCHEN IS ON FIRE!”
“CELESTIA ON A BIKE THE FIRE IS GETTING TO THE OTHER MICROWAVES! THIS ENTIRE THING IS GOING TO—”
“Oh, girls.” Pinkie Pie smiled with her mouth closed, and shook her head. “I’m afraid…”
She punched the table.
The table bumped. The cake wobbled but stood still. The pot of water, however, went flying all across the room…
…and fell right on top of the burning microwaves, instantly putting out the fire and soaking Rumble and Dinky to the bone.
Everypony looked at the now-cooled corpse of the big microwave. Then they looked at Pinkie, mouths agape.
Pinkie’s smile was showing all her teeth now. She adjusted a pair of small, round glasses that had appeared on her face. “…You still have much to learn!”
“I’m tired, Silver Spoon,” Twist said, simply. She was still holding Silver Spoon’s face against her own. “So come on. Say whatever you’ve got to say, and we’ll be done.”
Silver Spoon swallowed.
Now, that was quite the challenge. Silver Spoon was no fool, but she had the feeling she was being quite the idiot at the moment.
Mostly because, okay, so she knew what she wanted with Twist. She’d known for a long time, in fact. Visualized it every night, rather graphically—say whatever you want about Silver Spoon, she had some great imagination. Entire books could be written about her daily fantasies with Twist.
But, dammit, she had some standards. No way Silver Spoon was going to be with a mare who wanted mushy stuff and gentleness—Silver Spoon had tried to be gentle once, and the entire east field of Sweet Apple Acres was still fallow.
No, Silver Spoon was going to be a jerk about it, and if Twist couldn’t understand her flirting when she was being needlessly mean about it, maybe they shouldn’t be toget—okay yes Silver Spoon this is why I’m saying you are being an idiot, this thing right here.
She had said it herself—the mere fact that they were having this conversation meant that Twist had actually got what she meant. So Silver Spoon could have tried to take the final step any moment and Twist would have reciprocated.
Well. Damn. This entire thing could have been avoided.
Okay, it was simple then! Silver Spoon wanted Twist, Twist wanted to know what Silver Spoon wanted, Silver Spoon happened to know what Twist wanted Silver Spoon to want. Easy-peasy.
She wanted to be with her, in a romantic way, not just sex. But that didn’t mean Silver Spoon wanted to be romantic, because that was for losers. However, trying to explain that would be tricky, especially with Twist being so pissed.
How to say it? Which words could make Twist understand? Silver Spoon wasn’t the best at talking, and Twist wasn’t good at listening, either. So that was going to be hard, unless…
Silver Spoon blinked.
Huh. Well, duh, there was only one way.
Slowly, deliberately, Silver Spoon raised a hoof and caressed Twist’s face. She put on her best seductive eyes, and leaned close, puckering her lips.
She stared deep into Twist’s eyes.
And then, she said the words that every mare wanted to hear.
“Gawk, gawk, gawk.”
Silence.
Twist tackled Silver Spoon to the ground and kissed her so hard it’s a miracle they didn’t swallow each other’s tongue.
And Pinkie Pie smiled.
“But of course,” she said, “even though it’s the easy way out, I’ll help you this time and I’ll tell you where the paramedics are.”
“Woah!” Dinky looked at Rumble, then at Pinkie. “We’re still doing that?”
Rumble took his wet mane away from his eyes. “Yes, we are. Now Snips’ hurt, too.”
“Awesome!”
“Oookay.” Diamond Tiara swallowed and pointed at Rumble and Dinky. “So, that was impressive. How did you…?”
“Please, DT.” Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Anypony would have microwaved a microwave if they had the chance!”
“Yeah.” Dinky crossed her forelegs, sat on the ground, and nodded. “Her logic holds up.”
“So you also know where the paramedics are?” Sweetie Belle asked. “But how?”
“Well, Sweetie Belle, it’s easy!” Pinkie readjusted her new glasses once more. They didn’t need any readjusting, she just liked the gesture. “You just need to use logic! Now, what do we know about the paramedics?”
“Uuuuh.” Pumpkin frowned and looked at the table. “That… they’re wearing white coats?”
“And?”
“And that it’s not a party until they’re here?”
“Exactly!” Pinkie said, clapping. “Because they sure know how to party, right?” She rested her head on her hooves and gave them a knowing grin. “Which of course means they always have really good parties.”
Pumpkin nodded. “…Yyyyes.”
“Really good parties.” Pinkie’s glasses gleamed, reflecting the light of absolutely nowhere. “Or, in other words, fantastic parties. Which sounds a lot like particus fantasticus. Which, as any good party planner like my dear Pumpkin Cake knows, is Old Equus for…”
“GASP!” Pumpkin Cake got up, eyes wide. “I CAN’T BELIEVE I’VE BEEN SO BLIND! I KNOW WHERE THE PARAMEDICS ARE!”