//------------------------------// // Chapter 9 // Story: Wet Dreams // by totallynotabrony //------------------------------// “Well, here you are Valiant, talking to yourself in the middle of a swamp filled with a swarm of crocodiles. You dun goofed, boy.” I sighed. Luckily, I had been lucid the whole time the kangaroos had been dealing with me. They didn’t touch my junk, so I guess they weren’t big on the whole “eye for an eye” thing. They were pretty good at the creative revenge, though. I never saw this coming. The rope that bound me to the post in the middle of the croc pit was pretty tight. It had been applied with extreme prejudice. I thought that was illegal, but then, this was the Kangaroo Kingdom. They had kangaroo courts, you see. I glanced around, watching the crocs circling closer. I tried to stay still in the hopes that they only responded to movement. It gave me a little time to pray. “Dear God, sup? Yeah, I know I’m terrible with this kind of thing. I’d make you a promise about being good for the rest of my life if you get me out of this, but I think we both know I wouldn’t keep it. At least I'm honest right? Ahahahaha...it kind of sucks to be me right now. Anyway, if you’re feeling generous, could you possibly send Steve Irwin my way?” I glanced around again. There was no deus ex machina in sight. Well, it looked like I was going to have to deal with things myself. Again. I may be trussed up like a Christmas roast, but how often do you get the chance to say that you got eaten alive by crocs? Never mind, I’d have time to contemplate the metaphysical ramifications of that statement later. Crocs don’t like it when you kick their noses with sharp hooves. I amused myself with that for a little while. I had to amuse myself, because they sure as hell weren’t. Crocodiles aren’t much for “dinner and a show”. Maybe the Crocodile Hunter really was watching over me, because at some point a croc lunged for me, missed, and got the ropes instead. “Ha ha, suckers!” I shouted as I sprinted over their scaly backs. I dodged a few open mouths and made it to shore. I flopped down, panting hard. I’d often wondered if ponies were especially lucky, what with the horseshoes and all. I decided that if I ever met a leprechaun, I would ask. That’s when I suddenly realized crocodiles could walk on land, too. Several minutes later, I was beating my hooves against the hatch that led below deck aboard the good ship We’re going to kill you all. “Guys? Hello!" I gasped. "It’s me, Valiant. We’ve got a serious problem. Just thought I would let you know so we can get the buck out of here before things go really, really wrong.” I got no answer. I tried the hatch again, finding locked just like before. I sat back. “Where is everyone?” The sound of many hops came thundering through the town. I looked up and saw a huge group of uniform-wearing natives coming towards me. I sighed. Just one of those days where you fight for your life against crocodiles only to fall into the clutches of a kangaroo army. The group of them crowded around the ship. One kangaroo wearing more decoration than the rest stepped forward. “You’re going to surrender and come with us,” he said. “Who are you?” “This is the Royal Hopping Infantry. I’m Captain—” I cut him off. “You’re a Captain?” “Right.” “Captain Kangaroo?” He rolled his eyes. “I guess that’s technically correct.” “That’s amazing. Anyway, let me tell you this really great joke to stall for time—” This time, he cut me off. “Sorry, you’re coming with us right now.” “Listen, I’m flattered that the King would send the whole army after little ‘ol me.” “This is just two platoons,” said the kangaroo. I shrugged. “Still, you might have a bigger problem coming your way very soon.” The Captain’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean by that?” “Well, all the crocodiles kind of followed me out of the croc pit. They can’t keep up a quick pace for very long with their stubby legs, so they’re slowly converging on the town right now.” The Captain’s ears twitched in annoyance. “If this is some kind of trick, it won’t work.” “Well, you can think that if you want and be eaten by giant hungry lizards, or you can let me handle the problem.” I shrugged. “Your choice.” Instead, he picked option three, which I hadn’t seen until then. That was to tie me up and put me in the town square as bait. “Seriously, Captain?” I said. “I’m starting to think that you guys think I have a bondage fetish.” I thought for a moment. “If I said I did, would you untie me?” “No. This time you’re going to properly get eaten,” he told me. The lead crocodiles in the pack began turning the corner into the square. “Have fun,” the Captain told me. He hopped away. “Well, shit,” I muttered. Just then, I heard a fluttering of feathers and I looked around. “Captain Falcon! Good to see you, buddy.” I was very sincere. “Can you do me a solid and get these knots untied?” The bird considered it for a moment and then shook his head. I rolled my eyes. “Alright, what do you want?” He stared at me, knowing that I already knew. “Oh no,” I said. “Not that.” The falcon shrugged and glanced at the incoming crocodiles. I sighed. “All right, fine. With the power vested in me by nobody in particular, I hereby promote you to a flag rank of the Equestrian Navy. Is that good enough?” Admiral Falcon nodded and attacked the ropes. I was freed just in time to scramble away from the first croc. I turned to run and found that I was surrounded. They were coming from all directions. The bird saluted me with a wing and flew away. I dodged out of the way of a gaping pair of jaws. Diving behind an abandoned cart that some merchant had left behind, I paused for a moment to consider my options. The town square had few other things besides the cart lying around. Every exit was blocked by crocs. The only way out was to pretty much go over the top of the buildings. The shadows were long in the light of the setting sun. I have never been particularly athletic, as a pony or otherwise. However, it looked like my only option for survival was parkour. Yeah, this wasn’t going to end well. I thought carefully for a few moments. Guess it was time to choose my last words. I spoke to the crowd of crocodiles. “In the words of my favorite Autobot, ‘Freedom is the right of all sentient beings!’. Let’s get it on, you scaly mothers.” I watched the sun rise the next morning from poolside at the K&R resort. It was just down the coast from the harbor. I had no idea who Kanga and Roo were, but they sure knew how to build a swank hotel. I somehow doubted that they were the same creatures from Winnie the Pooh. The attached casino was mostly the cause of that opinion. “Tell me again how you saved the town from the crocodile infestation,” said King Kangaroo. I took a sip from the fruity beverage beside my chair. “Well, I remembered my tap dancing lessons I took all those years ago in the studios of Manehattan. I figured that if I was going to die, I could at least do it with style. As it turns out, that kind of dancing is the one thing crocs hate more than anything else in the world, and so they left.” The King shook his head. “Amazing, simply amazing. Where did they go?” I shrugged. “It’s one of those things that will probably remain a mystery.” “At least your friend Pinkie knows how to host excellent parties,” he said. That’s what we had been doing all night at the resort. “Yeah, she’s never thrown a ‘Glad You Didn’t Get Eaten By Crocs’ party before. It was something new.” The King nodded. “Well, you all are most certainly invited back to my country any time.” I toasted him with my drink. “To crocodile diplomacy.” Later that day, the six mares, Spike, and I boarded the ship. I was still a little sore that my pet bird now outranked me, but I had other things to worry about. Namely, the cargo hold being filled with crocodiles. “Tap dancing?” said Twilight. I shrugged. “It was a lot more interesting story than you using magic to take the crocs somewhere else. Besides, this way makes it sound like we’re big, fancy heroes.” Twilight frowned. “I only put the crocodiles in the ship because I didn’t know what else to do with them. They really wanted to eat you, Valiant. If I’d dropped them off back at the croc pit, they probably would have overrun the town again looking for you.” “So no problem,” I said. “We’ll just leave them off somewhere else. In the meantime, the Kangaroo Kingdom loves us.” Twilight sighed. “I guess we can do that.” "All right," I said. "Let's get out of here before any more screwups happen." "That might be the smartest thing you've said on this whole voyage," Twilight noted. We untied from the dock and unfurled the sails. Twilight examined a map she had picked up that contained all the geography surrounding the Kangaroo Kingdom. "That looks kind of empty," I observed. "Well, this part of the world is kind of unexplored," Twilight admitted. I pointed to the spot where the features of the map abruptly ended as if the artist had gotten bored. "So we don't know anything about this? It might as well say, 'here there be monsters'." "I don't think it's that bad," said Twilight. "Let's see, in Equestria alone we've encountered manticores, an ursa minor, cerberus, hydras, vampires, quarray eels, shall I go on?" Twilight suddenly looked less sure of herself. "Oh look!" I said. "Sharks! They're smiling. Maybe they're happy to see us." Fan art This is Kitsunehero's idea of what a pony drunken stupor looks like.