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// Bonus | Unauthorized Field Report 
// Story: To Cure Deception 
// by LegionPothIX 
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Dear Princess Celestia,
“I learned this today…” That’s how this’s supposed to start, right? I’m not really a fan, so I wouldn't know, but rumor has it you still love to get these things. I don't really know what else to say so let me tell you what I’ve learned about friendship. 

Friendship is a bitch, and the things ponies do in its name fucking sickens me. 

My time with N.W. and with D. was not wasted. I know you don't know them, but they've taught me a whole fucking lot about friendship. What it means and how it fucking works. In particular N.W. taught me that it’s a beast not seen in the wild, and that makes it unnatural. Yeah, I mean there's family, sure, but that's just genetics. While D, on the other hoof, taught me how much it can personally fuck you up. It gets in your fucking head, hollows you out, and fills up your soul with fucking weakness and lies. 

It changes a pony.

I guess I should tell you about my fucking friendship problem, huh? My problem with D. I mean, that’s what your faithful fuckin’ student would do, right?

I had this friend—well not a “friend” exactly, but I don't think there's a translation for the word that describes what we were. This friend of mine, she’s a psycho cunt. A real winner. The kind that uses and manipulates everyone she meets, and she used me too. She hurt me, and made me hurt myself, all to teach me some little truth about deception. As a consequence I almost died. She would have let me die. So, let me tell you princess, exsanguination is fucking terrifying. 

Anyway, I fucking walked the hell away. Good for me, right? Some psycho bitch abuses the shit out of you, so you cut that fucker off. Well, that’s just not how friendship fucking works, and I guess we both know that now. I mean, what with your sister and all, I ain't gotta tell you what it's like to deal with somepony who is completely fucking wack-a-doodle. Truth be told, that's why we're in this mess.

So, yeah, you would know. As destructive as she had been in my life, she was far and away more fucking destructive to her own; and all I could do was watch. I couldn’t even get out. And that, dear princess, is how friendship fucking works. It binds your mind and chains your soul. It rewrites who you are with a little bit of somepony else, and you fucking pray that part of them—that part friendship stole from you—you fucking pray that it’s worth it. 

You fuckin’ have to because it never is.

That’s the fuckin’ thing princess: friendship. This mutual bond of self-identity, and fucking dependence, it doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter to friendship what you thought of yourself before you were made a part of another pony, or that pony was fucking made a part of you. It doesn’t care if you fucking like each other. And, it doesn’t care if they’re fucking unhealthy for you. It’ll fucking obligate you. Indenture you, and steal your fucking life.

It’s insidious, and that ain’t even the worst fucking part. The worst part is that you’ll want it to. You’ll want that part of you—that part it fucking stole from you—to succeed. To thrive, even when its host should fucking burn. You’ll want it to so you won’t have to face the fact that it took the fucking best part of you, and just gave it to somepony else. Somepony who doesn't even deserve it.

You see Celestia, I had this friend, and I had to kill her; and with her the best part of me fucking died that day. I died. I died a little more every day since. Every fucking day that I have had to look into that empty shell, and remind myself that she could never fucking come back. That I can never come back.

That is what I learned about friendship, Celestia. Some ponies can’t walk away and you fucking call them loyal. Well, I call them mad. Some ponies are there to help their friends fucking laugh, and it's so melancholy that I can't help but throw up. Some ponies tell the truth—the kind of truth I’ve had enough of, and I won’t listen to another fucking word. For a group, friendship is about kindness, but for an individual it is the fucking cruelest thing imaginable; because once you have friends, you’ve lost yourself.

Your student would say friendship is fucking magic, but more than anypony, you know the ruin it brings to a soul. Especially if you, and your shared friendship, are the reasons that friend is banished from the only world they’ll ever really know. I guess that all I can do is try to keep that part of her alive. The part friendship stole from her, and forced upon me.

Ever Vigilant,
A.W.