Rainbow Dash silently moved out from behind the rock and dove behind another. The tracks on the ground were fresh and she was certain she was going to catch up with the buffalo herd very soon. All she had to do was keep quiet and-
“Hi Dashie!” said Pinkie, who was lounging against the rock next to Rainbow.
Rainbow jumped, causing her chin to smack against the rock. “Pinkie?!” she hissed, rubbing her jaw and wincing, “What the fuck are you doing here? And how the fuck did you get here? And when the fuck did you get here?”
“Well,” began Pinkie, “We all got off the train and met Applejack’s hunky cousin and we told him about the buffalo and he talked about the buffalo and I kissed him and he tastes like apples, do you think Applejack does too? Anyway, he mentioned where the buffalo were, so I figured that’s where you would be, so I walked out of town and went through the desert and saw you and scared you and that’s when you asked ‘What the fuck are you doing here’, and I said-”
Rainbow Dash shoved her hoof in Pinkie’s mouth, silencing her. “Never mind,” she said firmly. She poked her head out from behind the rock and looked around. “Doesn’t look like anyone heard us…”
“Speaking of ‘herd’,” said Pinkie, “What do you think this buffalo herd around us wants?”
Rainbow Dash spun around and saw dozens of buffalo surrounding her and Pinkie. She sighed and stood up.
“Alright, ladies,” she said, cracking her neck. She glared at the group and snarled, “Who’s first?”
“Stop!” yelled a familiar voice.
The buffalo stepped aside and Rainbow was able to see the speaker. “Spike?” she asked.
Spike stepped out from the buffalo’s side and moved in front of Rainbow Dash. “Don’t worry guys,” he said, addressing the buffalo, “I know them. They’re cool.”
“Are you sure?” asked one of the buffalo. “The blue one looked ready to rip someone’s head off.”
“Oh, I’m more than ready,” growled Rainbow.
Spike quickly turned around and whispered, “Relax, I’ve got this.” He spun back around and addressed the buffalo. “She’s alright. She wouldn’t hurt a fly.”
“I’d murder a fly’s parents,” said Rainbow. “And then paralyze the fly.”
“Rainbow, you’re not helping,” whispered Spike.
“I’m not trying to,” replied Rainbow. “I want some payback.”
Spike sighed and turned back towards the buffalo. “Look, I’m sure once we hear from the chief, she’ll calm down.”
“…Ok, I guess…” said the buffalo. “But what about the pink one?”
Spike and Rainbow turned to look at Pinkie, who was unwrapping a chocolate bar. She shoved the chocolate in her mouth and threw the wrapper behind her. The wrapper landed in front of a buffalo, who stared at it in horror. He looked up at Pinkie, and a single tear ran down his cheek.
Spike turned back to the other buffalo. “Just…just don’t make eye contact with that one.”
Later that night:
Coyotes howled at the moon as Spike, Pinkie, and Rainbow sat around a campfire. Various buffalo walked to and from their teepees and eyed the two ponies with suspicion.
“…And that’s what happened,” said Spike. “They meant to steal the tree, but got me along with it. They like dragons though, so it’s cool.”
“Here’s your food,” said a buffalo, setting bowls down in front of Pinkie and Rainbow Dash. He looked at Rainbow and whispered, “You monster.”
“They don’t much like ponies, though…” said Spike. “Except for Jonto!”
“Who?” asked Rainbow Dash, pushing her bowl away.
“Jonto,” repeated Spike. “He’s some random pony who thinks he’s a buffalo.”
The brown-furred pony, wearing a stuffed bird on his head and white paint on his face, walked past. “Hello Kemosabe,” he said to Spike.
“Hi Jonto,” said Spike. He sighed as the pony walked away. “He’s a little crazy. The tribe keeps him around because they think he’s funny.”
“Fascinating,” said Rainbow Dash as she got up, “I don’t trust any of them. What if they’re luring us in and getting us comfy before they attack us?” She walked over to a teepee and looked at the empty desert behind it. “I say we make a break for it before-”
“Mr. Spike?” said a voice. “I brought you some gemstones to eat.”
Pinkie and Spike looked around to see the female buffalo from the train setting a bowl full of turquoise down.
“Thanks,” said Spike. He turned to Pinkie and said, “This is Little Strongheart. She’s the chief’s daughter.”
“Nice to meet you!” said Pinkie.
“Yeah, whatever,” muttered Rainbow Dash, turning to briefly look at Strongheart. She turned her head back towards the desert. Her eyes widened and she turned back towards the buffalo. “You?!”
Strongheart narrowed her eyes. “You.”
Rainbow growled and turned to face the buffalo. “I hope you’re ready for a rematch, because there’s no signs to save you now.”
“You really want to embarrass yourself again?” asked Strongheart. “Look, I don’t want to hurt you. I didn’t even want to last time. I just needed to get the tree.”
“Why is the tree so important anyway?” asked Pinkie.
“Those settler ponies planted their orchard all over our traditional stampeding grounds,” said Strongheart. “We took the tree so they-”
“Look,” said Rainbow, rolling her eyes, “I’m sure this stupid bullshit is fascinating, but we do have places to be. How about I just give you a mild ass-kicking rather than outright murdering you?”
“You know,” said Strongheart, glaring at Rainbow, “Maybe you’ll listen better once I knock the teeth out of that big mouth of yours.”
“I’d like to see you try,” said Rainbow.
“Done,” said Strongheart. She began to stomp towards Rainbow Dash.
“Enough!” commanded a deep voice. Everyone turned to look as a massive buffalo wearing a headdress stepped into the light of the campfire. He looked at Rainbow and said, “While you are my guests, you will not harm any member of my herd.” He stared at Strongheart. “And you, daughter, should know better than to rise to her challenge.”
“Sorry Father…” muttered Strongheart.
Spike nudged Rainbow and whispered, “That’s Chief Thunderhooves. He’s the leader of the buffalo.”
The chief turned to regard Spike and the two ponies. “We have a long, stampeding trail that we’ve run upon for generations. In the time of my ancestor, Chief M. Bison…”
Hours Later:
“…where my father, Chief Liquid Snake, saved our tribe from extinction by finding another water source,” continued Thunderhooves. “And it is where I traveled for forty days and forty nights on a spiritual journey to-”
“Ok, I get it! This trail’s super important to you!” yelled Rainbow. “But what’s the big deal if some trees our on it?”
“They didn’t ask our permission,” said Strongheart. “It’s our land and they just waltzed in and planted an orchard.”
“Did you try talking to them?” asked Pinkie.
“We did,” said Thunderhooves, “But they refused to listen. They only asked us if we’d be opening a casino and if they could use our likeness for their hoofball team.”
“You mean the Appaloosa Buffalos?” asked Spike. “But they’re the bottom of the league!”
“I know,” said Thunderhooves. “We watch it on the big screen every Sunday. Those settler ponies can’t even play hoofball right.”
Rainbow Dash was silent for a few moments, then sighed and said, “I guess I’ll help.”
“What?” asked Strongheart, Spike, and Pinkie.
“We’ll gladly accept your aid in this matter,” said Thunderhooves. “Long have I searched for an answer to our plight. I have asked the plants, but the plants offer nothing. The plants have asked the rocks, but the rocks offer nothing. Even the rocks offer nothing.”
“You...um…talk to rocks?” asked Spike.
“Hey! My sister does that too!” said Pinkie. “She’s so nutty! I can’t wait until she shows up in Season 4!”
Spike stared at Pinkie. “…Are you sure that your sister is the nutty one?”
“Don’t worry Chief!” said Rainbow confidently. “I’ve got a plan! We’ll go and talk with the Appaloosians. Once they see that other ponies are supporting you guys, they’ll have to listen to us.”
Thunderhooves nodded. “Take Strongheart with you. She’ll negotiate with the Appaloosians in my place.” He turned to his daughter. “It will be good practice for when you become the next chief.”
“I won’t let you down, Father,” said Strongheart. She turned to Rainbow Dash. “I am sorry that you were hurt in our last encounter. I’m grateful for your help.”
“Don’t sweat it,” said Rainbow, waving her hoof indifferently, “You only kidnapped a tree and Spike. Nothing major.”
“Yeah!” agreed Spike. He paused for a moment. “…Hey…”
The next day:
“Alright,” said Applejack, squinting as she stared out into the desert, “We’ve given Pinkie a day and she ain’t back with Spike or Rainbow yet. We gonna have to trek across the desert, head into buffalo territory, and rescue ‘em. Are ya’ll ready for this?”
There was no response. Confused, Applejack turned around. “Ah said…” Her jaw dropped as she stared at the scene in front of her.
Twilight and Rarity were standing in front of Braeburn, but facing the opposite direction, with their rears slightly raised into the air.
“Braeburn, darling, could you be a gentleman and tighten my bag please?” asked Rarity, indicating the pink saddlebag around her side.
“I bet you could do both of us at once,” said Twilight, gesturing at the purple saddlebag on her side. “I bet you’re not even tired after doing Fluttershy’s.”
Fluttershy, who was standing beside Braeburn, blushed. “You did such a good job with mine. It was nice and tight…”
Braeburn smiled cheerfully. “Well gosh ladies, it’s mah pleasure to help out pretty mares in need. But Ah might need to press up against ya in order to get you both. But don’t you worry, Ah’m good with mah hooves.”
“I bet you are…” purred Rarity.
“Just come closer and show us…” said Twilight breathlessly.
Applejack stomped over and grabbed the straps of Twilight and Rarity’s bags. She yanked on them, causing the two mares to wheeze and fall to the ground.
“There ya are,” said Applejack smugly. “Nice and tight, just how you wanted.”
“Thank you…” coughed Twilight.
“Yer welcome. Now stop foolin’ around.” Applejack turned and looked out into the desert. “We need to find-”
“Pinkie, Spike, and Rainbow Dash!” said Fluttershy, pointing.
Everyone looked and saw the two ponies and Spike making their way towards them. They quickly ran over to meet them.
“We’re back!” said Pinkie. She rushed over to Braeburn and batted her eyelashes. “Did you miss me?”
“Well sure, Miss Pinkie,” said Braeburn. “Everyone was real worried about you.”
“Yeah great,” said Pinkie, hearts in her eyes. “But tell me more about how you missed me.”
“Spike!” said Twilight, pulling him into a hug. “You’re safe! Did you eat? Did they hurt you? And for the love of god, did you take notes on the differences and similarities between buffalo and pony culture?”
“Hi Twilight,” said Spike, returning Twilight’s hug. “I ate, they didn’t hurt me, and…” He pulled out a notepad. “What kind of chump assistant do you take me for? Of course I took notes.”
Twilight choked. She squeezed Spike tighter and tears came to her eyes. “I have never loved you as much as I do right now,” she sobbed.
“Rainbow!” said Applejack, running up to the pegasus. “What the hell were you thinkin’ going off on your own like that?” She gasped as she looked at Rainbow’s face. “Look at that bruise from that sign! It’s turning blue!”
“That’s my fur, Applejack,” said Rainbow. “Look, I appreciate the warm welcome, but…” She frowned and looked over at Braeburn, who was being fawned over by Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Rarity. “…Who the hell is that guy?”
“Oh, that’s mah cousin Braeburn,” said Applejack. “He lives in Appaloosa.”
Rainbow Dash’s eyes narrowed. “Oh really? We need to talk with him, then.”
“We?” repeated Applejack. “Who’s ‘we’?”
Rainbow Dash whistled and Little Strongheart stepped out from behind a nearby rock.
“Um…hello,” Strongheart said. She gave an awkward wave.
“And just why is that heartless treenapper here?” asked Applejack, glaring at the buffalo.
“Because,” said Rainbow, stepping in front of Applejack, “This whole thing is a misunderstanding. The buffalo just want to give their side of the story. They just want the apple trees moved off their land.”
“Oh yeah?” asked Applejack. “Well, let’s let Braeburn explain why the trees should stay.” She turned and said, “Braeburn! Ah need ya over here!”
Braeburn gently pried himself out of Rarity, Pinkie, and Fluttershy’s clutches. “What can Ah do for ya, cousin?” he asked, walking over.
Applejack stepped aside so he could see Little Strongheart. “Explain to the buffalo why those trees should stay where they are.”
Braeburn’s jaw dropped when he saw Strongheart. “W-well…” he said, a blush growing on his face, “Maybe we could talk about-”
“Strongheart!” said Rainbow. “Tell Applejack’s cousin why those lands are yours!”
Strongheart’s face grew red as she eyed Braeburn. She gulped and said, “I-I think Mr. Braeburn and I can-”
“What do you expect them to do?” asked Applejack. “They can’t move the trees somewhere else. That land is the only flatland around.”
“The buffalos had it first!” said Rainbow Dash. “They had no right to take it for themselves.”
“No right?!” repeated Applejack. “They need that land to fuckin’ survive out here!”
Twilight loudly cleared her throat. “Look,” she said to everyone, “It’s obvious that arguing isn’t getting us anywhere. We need to find a way to get the buffalo and ponies to compromise…”
“I’ve got an idea!” said Pinkie. She grabbed Braeburn. “Come on, cutie! We need to get back to town!”
“B-but…” said Braeburn, looking at Strongheart. “Ah think Ah should get to know Strongheart a little bett-”
“Great!” said Pinkie, picking him up and running off with him.
“Get your hooves off my man!” yelled Rarity, running after them.
“Your what?!” yelled Spike, running after Rarity.
“I saw him first!” hollered Twilight, running beside Spike.
“Can’t you all see we were meant to be together?” pleaded Fluttershy as she flew after the group.
Applejack sighed and walked after the group. “Ah better go rescue Braeburn…again…”
Rainbow Dash and Little Strongheart were left alone. Rainbow sighed and said, “That didn’t work out as well as I thought it would.”
“It’s a complicated issue,” said Strongheart. “It won’t be solved overnight.”
“I guess…” said Rainbow. Suddenly, she smirked at the buffalo. “Although…the longer this issue goes on, the longer you’ll be able to see Applejack’s cousin, right?”
Strongheart blushed and stammered, “W-what do you mean?”
“I saw you looking him over,” said Rainbow. “You couldn’t take your eyes off him.”
“I-I…” faltered Strongheart. She cleared her throat and said, “I was just making sure he wasn’t a threat and creating a plan to take him down if he was.”
Rainbow laughed. “Yeah, I bet you wanted to ‘take him down’.” She chortled to herself as she walked away, leaving a flustered Strongheart to stammer denials behind her.