'And now we move on to our next chapter. You see, even when retired, a mafia don can have an interesting life. In fact-'
Grimoire's writing was interrupted by the ringing of his phone. He scowled. Zecora had taken a trip to the fringes of Equestria to buy some rare ingredients, and Grimoire had decided to alleviate the loneliness by focusing on his memoirs. He thought he'd be free to get some serious work done. But it seemed he'd thought wrong...
Chapter Twenty-Five: Rise Of The Squid
"Typical." Grimoire sighed. "Always when I start writing..." He picked up the phone. "Hello?"
"Hey, Grim, it's Crowe." The voice on the other end announced.
"Crowe?" Grimm raised a brow. "Good to hear from you. What's up?"
"I'm just calling you to give you a quick head's up. Me and the others are coming your way."
"What for?" Grimoire asked, as he checked the nearby calendar, "Our next meeting isn't for a couple of weeks."
"We'll tell you when we get there." Crowe explained, "It's very important that we speak with you."
"I see." Grimoire frowned. "And when exactly will you arrive?"
There was a knock at the front door.
"That'll be us now." Crowe answered.
"Coming..." Grimoire sighed, hanging up.
Grimoire rushed downstairs, opening the door to find the whole gang (minus Zugzwang, of course).
"Morning, Grimoire." Kamikaze said nonchalantly.
"Kamikaze." Grimoire said curtly. He turned to Zebediah with a glare. "Zebediah..."
"Hi, Grim." Zebediah said awkwardly. Neither one had forgotten their last encounter. "How're things?"
"You mean since you and your friends tried to kill me?" Grimoire snarled.
"Um... yeah." Zebediah said awkwardly.
"Everything's been just fine." Grimoire glared at him. "Now, I take it you remember Oakley?"
Oakley walked by. The second he saw Zebediah, he growled fiercely at him.
"Heh-heh, nice doggy..." Zebediah gulped.
"Tootwa hega." Kong declared.
"Master Kong says 'Hello'." Kong's newest translator announced.
"Not that I don't mind seeing you guys, but would it kill you to give me a little more notice than calling me just before you arrive?" Grimoire asked.
"Sorry, Grim." Crowe apologised. "We have an very urgent matter we have to discuss with you."
"Urgent, huh?" Grimoire mused. "Okay, come into the study. Let's talk."
The dons gathered in the study.
"Say, Grim, on our way here, we saw your brother Slot hanging out with this hot gray Earth Pony chick." Kamikaze smirked, "What, did that one DJ ditz dump his angry little flank?"
"Fugu hro jinak." Kong murmured.
"Master Kong says it's a pity that they didn't work out for them." The translator explained, but then Kong made a quick 'Goola'. "But if Ms. Vinyl is seeing no one, he calls dibs."
"Um, actually, in case you hadn't heard..." Grimoire cringed, still a little put off by the recent event. "My brother actually married both that 'chick' and Vinyl."
"No way." Crowe gaped, "You mean that kid somehow managed to get two mares that tolerate his presence and are willing to be his mates. Both of them?"
"Trust me, Crowe, I still am trying to wrap my head around that." Grimiore deadpanned. "But yeah. Believe it or not, they're all actually pretty happy with one another." He then conjured up a smile. "I hadn't seen Slot that happy since that cider cart crashed outside our mansion."
"Well, I'll be damned." Kamikaze gave a genuine smirk, "I gotta admit, I'm impressed. One of your second-rate brothers actually did something that was awesome."
"Well, Slot certainly thinks so." Grimoire quipped.
"He's one lucky guy." Zebediah chuckled. "I always said he was the cool one..."
"Zwy graba difpa seftra." Kong smirked.
"Master Kong bids Slot welcome to the polygamous life. Speaking from experience, two mares would make him the happiest stallion in all of the world." The translator announced.
"Says the stallion who is 'married' to like, a dozen wives." Kamikaze grunted, "And some of them probably not willing."
"Kruka zho." Kong said sourly.
"Master Kongs says 'shut up'." The translator declared.
"Knock it off, you clowns." Crowe scowled. "We have business to attend to, remember?"
"So, what's the big problem?" Grimoire asked.
"It's rather simple, really." Crowe declared. "...We need a new sixth guy in our group."
"...That's the urgent matter?" Grimoire frowned. "Um, how is that at all an urgent matter? We had been doing just fine with the five of us, haven't we?"
"That we have." Crowe explained, but he then sighed. "But come on, Grim, even you must noticed that since Zugzwang's imprisonment, our meetings felt a bit... empty."
"Well..." Grimoire frowned. He didn't want to admit it, but there was truth to Crowe's words. Zugzwang's departure had left a hole. Not just in their operations, but in the group as a whole. He was a clever stallion, possessed of a keen business acumen, and a practical wisdom that helped them resolve problems. "You do have a point..."
"Yeah, things just aren't the same." Zebediah sighed.
"The guy was an uptight ass, but he knew what he was doing." Kamikaze admitted.
"Wure cri dela strax grof." Kong declared.
"Master Kong wonders how Mr Zugzwang is doing in prison." The translator added.
"From what I've heard, he's doing okay." Crowe declared. "Even managed to put together a little following of his among the prisoners."
"Sounds like somepony landed on his hooves." Zebediah chuckled.
"The only way to fix the hole that Zugzwang had left is to take in a new member." Crowe declared firmly, "Somepony who can pick up the slack, and manage the operations he left behind."
"But who?" Grimiore asked, "Zugzwang was a horrible pony, but he was an expert at what he did. And he has been in our group for so long... we can't just take in any pony."
"We're way ahead of ya, Grim." Kamikaze smirked, "We already written up lists of possible candidates. We got Gregarious, the Griffon boss from Aerovis."
"...Or Windwing, a Pegasus who's done a good job of pulling together the rackets over in Chineigh..." Zebediah added.
"Gue brala Rutter zila bia Fetland." Kong declared.
"Master Kong suggests the reindeer Rutter, a prominent up-and-comer in Fetland." The translator added.
"Each of them a decent crook." Crowe nodded, "But recently, we've gotten word of this new guy, Sid Calimari. A former errand boy who recently hit it big. From what we've heard, he could be just the ticket."
"A former errand boy?" Grimiore asked, "You guys want to take in a greenhorn?"
"Greenhorn nothing." Kamikaze smirked. "You remember that psycho Thestral, Dark Night?"
"The one who kept the whole city of Gotherd in line through intimidation and scare tactics? The one with the cowl?" Grimoire frowned.
"The very same." Crowe nodded. "This Calimari guy killed him."
"No way!" Grimoire gasped. "How? He's taken out some of the best mercenaries around! Nopony dared to challenge him for years!"
"Until now." Zebediah grinned.
"From what we've heard, Sid broke both the guy's wings, then tossed him off a building." Kamikaze smiled. "Pretty awesome, right?"
"Very impressive, I must admit." Grimoire remarked. "Maybe this new guy does have what it takes. But let's not get too ahead of ourselves. We should meet him in pony first, so we can get the measure of him."
"Our thoughts exactly." Crowe nodded. "Which is why we've already arranged to have him brought here. He should be along any minute now."
"And again, it wouldn't hurt to give me some advance notice." Grimoire scowled.
"Sorry, Grim." Crowe shrugged. "Time is of the essence, you know."
A short while later, there was another knock at the door. The dons all gathered outside it as Grimoire opened it to allow their new member in. To Grimoire's surprise, what was behind the door was a chubby, pale brown Earth Pony in a trenchcoat, with very thick glasses, and a hat over a pale blonde mane. His Cutie Mark was of a squid.
"Um, hello..." The stallion nervously said in a very high-pitcehd, nasally voice, "Is this the Napoleon's residence? My name is Sid Calimari..."
"You're Sid Calimari?" Grimoire gaped.
"That's what I said." Sid shrugged.
The other dons were just as surprised.
"Geez, he's a lot more... well-rounded than I imagined." Kamikaze cringed.
"I exercise a lot." Sid smiled. "Gotta stay in shape, y'know?"
"Oh, we know." Crowe frowned.
"Fei shyo garik." Kong said flatly.
"Master Kong says he expected Mr Calimari to be... taller." The translator announced.
"So, I hear this is your place?" Sid asked Grimoire.
"That it is." Grimoire nodded. "Welcome, Mr Calimari."
"I, er, brought you guys something." Sid pulled a bag out of his coat. "Cookies. I made them myself. Anypony hungry?"
"I'm good, thanks." Grimoire said flatly.
"Yeah, I just had lunch." Crowe lied.
"Ditto." Zebediah nodded.
"Kla ouk gilbi." Kong declared.
"Master Kong says cookies do not agree with him." The translator added.
"I prefer cinnamon buns." Kamikaze shrugged. "Scones are too plain for me."
"Oh, okay." Sid frowned. He placed the bag on a table. "I'll just leave them here, if you change your mind."
Oakley padded over to Sid, intrigued by the new arrival.
"Oh, my." Sid gaped. "Is that an actual Timberwolf? I've never seen one up close before..."
"Don't get too close." Grimoire told him. "Oakley isn't the best with strangers."
"I think he likes me, though." He placed a hoof on Oakley's head. The Timberwolf panted happily. "Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?"
"Unbelievable."Zebediah gaped.
"So he's good with dumb animals." Kamikaze snorted. "Big whoop."
"Oakley doesn't take to strangers too easily." Grimoire remarked.
"What can I say?" Sid shrugged. "I've always had a way with animals."
"Please, make yourself comfortable in the study." Grimoire told Sid. "We'll be with you shortly."
"Thanks." Sid smiled. He gave Oakley one last pat. "Bye, poochy."
After Sid entered the study, Grimoire turned to the others.
"Are you sure you've got the right guy?" He frowned. "He seems kind of like-"
"A wuss?" Kamikaze scowled. "He makes Zeb here look like a hero!"
"Yeah, I- Hey!" Zebediah growled.
"And then there's the cookies." Grimoire shook his head. "Call me shallow, but does the kind of guy we want in this group the kind who likes to bake for his pals?"
"Sure, he's giving off a wimpy kind of vibe." Crowe admitted. "But don't forget, he took down Dark Night! He can't be that big of a wimp if he pulled that off!"
"He even has that cowl of his to prove it!" Zebediah added. "He's obviously a stone-cold killer!"
"True..." Grimoire nodded. "But he's clearly lacking in mafia know-how."
"Evu gatta fih sella tekra ugu." Kong chipped in.
"Master Kong says big things come in small packages." The translator declared.
"Maybe he'd be more impressive if he had a kickflank name." Kamikaze declared. "Like, er... Ooh, Sid the Squid! Yeah, that works!"
"Yeah, like a catchy name is all you need to be a good crook." Zebediah scowled, still sore over Kamikaze's chide.
"He'll need to be shown the ropes, though." Crowe remarked. "But who could teach him?"
"...I will." Grimoire declared.
"Say what?" Kamikaze frowned.
"I'll show Sid the ropes." Grimoire announced. "If he's really as tough as his rep says he is, then it shouldn't take too long. Besides, I've always gotten a sense of satisfaction from teaching rookies the ways of the mafia."
"If anypony can do it, it's you!" Zebediah patted Grimoire on the back.
"Don't touch me." Grimoire glared at him, as Oakley growled again.
"Okay..." Zebediah cringed.
"Duk gra belb Grim zer tarka." Kong announced.
"Master Kong believes Grimoire will be an excellent teacher." The translator added.
"Whatever." Kamikaze shrugged. "As long as he doesn't mess it up, who cares?"
"Then it's settled." Crowe nodded. "Good luck, Grim. The rest of us have to get back. We'll come by in a week or two to check up on your progress."
"Try to give me a little more notice next time." Grimoire declared.
After the others departed, Grimoire entered the study.
"Hello, Mr Napoleon." Sid said pleasantly. "Where are the others?"
"They had to leave on business." Grimoire said curtly. "Now, I hear you have Dark Night's cowl."
"Oh, yes." Sid nodded. He pulled out a piece of singed and torn black material. "A little battle trophy."
"Very impressive." Grimoire smiled. "And you definitely earned it. It can't have been an easy feat, taking down that monster."
"It wasn't." Sid declared, rubbing the back of his head modestly. "For a while there, I thought I'd had it..."
"Good news, Sid." Grimoiree announced. "I have decided to teach you the ways of the mafia."
"Oh... goody." Sid smiled. "I'm sure I'll learn a lot from you, Mr Napoleon."
"Call me Grimoire." Grimoire urged.
"Okay, Grimoire." Sid nodded. "So, when do we start?"
"Right now." Grimoire smiled. "Beginning with your wardrobe. If you're going to be one of us, you're going to have to look the part. I happen to know the perfect place to get a new suit. Let's go."
"Right behind you." Sid smiled.
Following Grimoire's lead, Sid exited the mansion (neglecting to properly close the door behind him). A short while later, Murray and May walked in.
"Grimoire, you home?" Murray called.
"I don't think anypony's home." May declared. "Except for Oakley." She pointed to the sleeping Timberwolf.
"That's weird." Murray frowned. "It's not like Grim to leave the door unlocked."
"Guess we'll have to come back later." May sighed.
"Yeah..." Murray shrugged. As he made to leave, he spotted Sid's cookies. "Hey, snacks!"
"Really, Murray?" May frowned. "You're just going to eat them without asking?"
"Just one." Murray shrugged. "'Sides, we came all the way out here. I think that merits a treat." He took a bite out of one of the cookies. "Mmm-mmm! This is good! May, you gotta try one!"
"Well, I suppose one wouldn't hurt..." May tried a cookie for herself. "Wow. These really are good!"
"Told ya." Murray smirked.
Suddenly, an feeling of intense attraction came over them.
"Mmm, is it just me, or are you hotter than usual today?" Murray grinned.
"Right back at ya, stud." May smirked.
"Wanna head back home and have some 'alone time'?" Murray asked.
"You bet!" May purred.
"Then what are we waiting for?" Murray chortled.
The two rushed out of the mansion, Murray taking the cookies, making sure to properly close the door behind them.
Over at the Carousel Boutique, Grimoire had paid for Sid to be decked out in a fine business suit.
"Well, what do you think?" Rarity asked, as she finished her work. "Personally, I think I did a marvellous job, given what I had to work with..."
"Well, I do look very important, don't I?" Sid grinned.
"Now you look like one of us." Grimoire smiled, paying Rarity. "And soon, I'll be teaching you how to act like it."
"That sounds... terrific." Sid declared.
As they exited the Boutique, Grimoire laid down some ground rules.
"For the duration of your training, you will do whatever I say, and stick by me at all times." Grimoire announced. "Is that clear?"
"Crystal." Sid nodded.
"Excellent." Grimoire nodded. "We'll start first thing tomorrow."
"I'm looking forward to it, Grimoire." Sid smiled. "I'll make you proud, I promise."
"That's the ticket." Grimoire smiled.
The next morning, teacher and student took the train to Canterlot.
"Okay, we're going to start off simple." Grimoire announced. "A little applied bribery."
"Bribery?" Sid asked.
"Yes." Grimoire nodded. "A rule of hoof is to always avoid the authority whenever possible. However there will come times when you can't. Fortunately, despite their 'oath' to the badge or whatever, some ponies can easily be swayed to 'look the other way' as you go about your business. But bribery is still risky business if the bribed is not one of the 'some ponies', which is why we will do an example. I just so happen to have a brother on the Royal Guard who's willing to take part in our little lesson."
They met up with Caboose on a street corner.
"Hey, Grim." Caboose smiled. "Is this the guy? Looks kinda chubby to me..."
"Don't judge by appearances, Caboose." Grimoire chided him. "Let's just get to work."
"Okay, let me just get into character." Caboose performed a number of bizarre warm-up routines.
"Character?" Sid frowned. "But he is a-"
"I know." Grimoire nodded. "Just go with it."
"Right." Caboose cleared his throat, then put on an exaggeratedly "authoritative" voice. "Sir, I believe you may have committed some criminal offenses. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Go on." Grimoire urged Sid. "Do it."
"Well, I, er..." Sid struggled to remember his lines. "I'm sure this is all just a misunderstanding..."
"Perhaps." Caboose declared. "If only there was something that could make this all go away... Like say, something beginning with 'B'?"
"Well, it just so happens that I have something that could, ah... what's the next part... Ah! Smooth things over!" Sid made to pull out a bag of Bits, but dropped it. The bag burst open as it hit the ground, spraying Bits everywhere." "Whoops."
The passers-by noticed all the spilled Bits. It was clear to them what the scene looked like. The trio quickly made themselves scarce.
"Okay, rule one of giving a bribe: It has to be subtle, and private." Grimoire told Sid. "What you just did was neither of those things."
"Sorry." Sid cringed. "I'm a little bit clumsy."
"What about me, Grim?" Caboose asked. "Did I play my part with excellent skill, or what?"
"Yes, Caboose, you were great." Grimoire rolled his eyes. "A regular thespian."
"Of course I am." Caboose smirked. "Maybe I should audition for the Canterlot theatre's production of Plower Pan..."
"Yeah, you do that." Grimoire sighed.
"Sorry, Grimoire." Sid apologised. "Guess I'm not such a fast learner after all..."
"It's okay." Grimoire smiled. "It takes time to be good at anything. Let's just move on to the next lesson..."
The next "lesson" involved burning down a store in Whinneyapolis that had been behind in its protection payments.
"Okay, now this is an easy one." Grimoire stuffed a rag into a bottle of spirits. "Just light the rag, throw the bottle through the window, and... fwoof! The place goes up in flames."
"Sounds simple enough." Sid admitted. Using a lighter, he ignited the rag. "And more than a little familiar." Then he suddenly scowled...
"What's wrong?" Grimoire asked.
"Oh, nothing..." Sid shook his head. "It's just...before I decided to become a mobster, I used to own a bakery. I was pretty good at baking stuff back in the days... unfortunately, I ran into a little trouble with the law."
"What kind of trouble?" Grimoire asked, "You don't seem to be the type that looks for them."
"It was rather dumb." Sid sighed. "I was caught trying to smuggle some fruit that was illegal because they were..." He did hoof gestures. "'dangerous hallucinogens', or something."
"I see." Grimoire declared. "Got a taste for... less accepted ingredients?"
"Yep." Sid nodded. "I dabble in them sometimes. Call it a hobby."
"Everypony needs an interest." Grimoire shrugged. "I'm not judging."
"Long story short, they wanted me to pay them protection money. I fell behind on one payment and they burnt my bakery to the ground. That's why I wanted to be one of you guys. The ones who don't take guff from any bad guy." Sid declared.
"Really?" Grimoire asked, genuinely sympathetic. "I'm sorry that happened to you."
"Yeah, it was awful." Sid grimaced. "My life's work, up in flames."
"Well, this time, you're on the other end." Grimoire declared with a reassuring smirk. "See how you like being the one to start the fire."
"Yeah...here goes nothing..." Sid flung the bottle at the store, but he threw it too high. It bounced off the store sign and landed by the store next door. It shattered as it hit the ground, covering the door with its flaming contents. The door quickly went up, the rest of the building following suit. "Oh... that wasn't supposed to happen..."
"No, it wasn't." Grimoire groaned.
"Sorry, Grimoire." Sid sighed. "I know I'm not the best student."
"That's okay." Grimoire declared. "We'll move on to the next test. We're bound to find something you're good at sooner or later..."
Suddenly, the store that was the intended target caught on fire due to the fire of the other store spreading.
"Huh. Look at that." Grimoire smiled. "You passed... sort of."
"Yeah." Sid nodded. "Even though I burned an innocent building first."
"We'll call that 'extra credit'." Grimoire smiled.
The next test was a drug-running session. It was a simple task; All Sid had to do was take some bags containing the narcotic known as "snowdust" (a white, powdery substance that could cause euphoria in ponies) and bring it over to a distribution house on the far side of Manehattan, belonging to a stallion by the name of White Out. To Grimoire's pleasure, he seemed to succeed, returning to their hotel room bursting with joy.
"I did it!" He beamed. "Easy as pie!"
"Well done, Sid." Grimoire smiled. "Looks like we've finally found something you're good at."
Suddenly, the phone rang.
"Hello?" He asked. "Oh, really? I see..."
"Who is it?" Sid asked.
"It's White Out." Grimoire announced. "He just called to inform me that the 'snowdust' you sent is actually flour."
"Aw, geez!" Sid groaned. "I had some spare flour bags in my backpack! I must have mixed them up!"
"And why did you have spare flour bags?" Grimoire asked.
"I like to bake on the go." Sid shrugged. "No matter where I am, I always have the ingredients on hand for some nice cookies, or scones."
"Clearly." Grimoire nodded. "We'd better go clear this up, before White Out thinks you intentionally gave him fake merchandise."
"I guess so..." Sid sighed.
Things only got worse from there. During an attempted arms smuggling , Sid tripped and dropped a box full of crossbows, spilling the contents on the floor. Not so bad, you may think, except that he had had the "brilliant" idea of loading them so there'd be less to carry. A dozen operatives were seriously maimed by the bolts that shot out when the crossbows hit the ground.
Then came an attempt at the old protection racket. Grimoire believed that, since Sid had once been on the receiving of one, he would be able to tap into his experience and use it to his advantage. Unfortunately, it was not to be...
"Y-you'd better fork over some cash." He stuttered to a group of operatives posing as store owners. "O-or else you'll get some of this!"
Sid slammed his hoof onto the fake counter, intending to break it, but instead injured his hoof.
"Oooh!" He yelped. "Ah! Ah! Ah!"
"I gotta be honest: I'm not all that intimidated." One of the operatives shrugged.
Later, in their hotel room, Sid buried his face in his hooves.
"Face it, I'm a disaster." He sighed. "I should have known killing Dark Night wouldn't magically make me good at this."
"No, it's experience that makes you good at something." Grimoire smiled. "You just have to keep trying, Sid. You will get better, I know it."
"Thanks, Grim." Sid smiled. "Nopony's ever believed in me like you do."
"If there's one thing I've learned in my life, it's that nopony's a lost cause." Grimoire smiled. "We just have to find the right skillset to suit you."
"Maybe something a little less... complex?" Sid suggested.
"Maybe..." Grimoire mused.
After their little talk, Grimoire decided to go for a more "street-level" approach. In Las Pegasus, he brought Sid to an abandoned warehouse, which was being used as a base of operations for the mob.
"Okay, Sid." He declared. "We're going for something really simple."
He led Sid down to the basement. Behind one door was an angry Pegasus with a red coat, white mane, crazed blue eyes, and a Cutie Mark of a bird of prey. His wings were chained, but the rest of him free to move.
"Let me outta here, ya stinkin' jerks!" He yelled.
"Who is that?" Sid asked.
"That would be Kestrel Cloudraker." Grimoire declared. "A notorious back-stabber and double-crosser. He's up for execution, and I want you to be the one who does it."
"Me?!" Sid spluttered.
"Him?!" Kestrel snickered.
"What's the problem?" Grimoire asked. "For somepony who killed Dark Night, this should be a piece of cake."
"Wait, he killed Dark Night?" Kestrel gaped. "That butterball?"
"That he did." Grimoire nodded, passing Sid a crossbow. "You should feel honored."
"Okay." Sid gulped, cocking the crossbow. "Here I go."
"I don't care what the Napoleon says, you ain't no killer." Kestrel spat. "Come on, give it your best shot!"
"I will." Sid nodded.
He aimed the crossbow, and fired. The bolt stuck itself in Kestrel's foreleg.
"AHHH!" Kestrel yelped.
"Sorry." Sid cringed. "I'm a little rusty. This should do it..."
Sid fired again, and the bolt struck Kestrel's wing.
"Argh!" Kestrel screamed.
"Third time's the charm." Sid awkwardly.
The third bolt got Kestrel in the shoulder.
"Urrrr!" He screeched.
"Sid..." Grimoire frowned.
"I got this!" Sid insisted, firing again and again. "I got this!"
More bolts entered Kestrel's body, none of them in an immediately life-threatening position.
"Ah! My perfect flank!" Kestrel screamed, clutching the bolt in his flank.
"Okay, I know I can do it this time!" Sid insisted, loading his crossbow.
"Oh, forget it!" Kestrel roared. He was covered in blood, and most of his limbs were crippled. "Give it here, I'll do it myself!" He reached out with his sole working hoof. "Death's better than this torture!"
"But I'm supposed to do it!" Sid insisted.
"Maybe you should let Kestrel do it." Grimoire grimaced at Kestrel's sorry state. "Let him put himself out of his misery..."
"Thank you!" Kestrel grinned, as Sid handed him the crossbow. "This is how its supposed to be done, butterball!"
Kestrel put the crossbow against his head, and fired, the bolt jamming itself in his skull and killing him instantly.
"Well... that happened." Grimoire remarked. "Shall we go?"
"Yeah..." Sid cringed, dropping the crossbow.
"I'm sorry, Grimoire." Sid sighed. "I can't do anything right."
"Don't be so hard on yourself." Grimoire assured him (though a part of him agreed). "You think I picked up this job from day one? Of course not. I had to learn, just like you. It took time for me to find my niche. And I made my fair share of mistakes, even though I had some excellent teachers..."
"But that's you." Sid said sadly. "It's always been like this for me. I'm just a klutzy loser who keeps messing up everything. Maybe I should just quit while I'm behind..."
"Don't go thinking that." Grimoire declared. "Caboose used to think the same way you did, and look at him now."
"But I'm not Caboose." Sid insisted. "I'm just Sid. Clumsy, useless Sid."
"No, you're Sid 'the Squid'." Grimoire declared. "Don't forget, you took out Dark Night. For you to even come close to something like must mean you have the makings of greatness in you."
"Yeah, about that..." Sid said awkwardly. "What if I told you me killing Dark Night wasn't exactly... planned?"
"What do you mean?" Grimoire asked.
"Well, what if I were to say his death was... an accident?" Sid cringed.
"An accident?" Grimoire frowned. "What are you getting at-"
"Calimari!"
Grimoire and Sid turned to see a Thestral descending on them. He was big and bulky, with a black, spikey mane, eyes so manic they made Kestrel's look normal, and a bat-shaped Cutie Mark.
"Dark Night?!" Grimoire gasped. "But... but you're dead!"
"Is that what everypony's been saying?" Dark Night scowled. "That I was killed by this feeb?" He pointed at Sid.
"I d-don't understand." Sid quivered. "Y-you fell off the roof!"
"More like you knocked me off, you clumsy idiot!" Dark Night spat.
"Knocked off?" Grimoire frowned. "What's he talking about, Sid?"
"Yeah, Sid." Dark Night growled. "Tell 'im!"
"Well, it happened like this..." Sid declared.
Flashback...
Sid was hurrying across Gotherd, carrying a payoff for one of his boss's associates, Duke Draft.
"Running late." He looked at his watch between huffs and puffs. "Just my luck..."
Suddenly, a dark shape leapt out of the shadows, grabbing Sid and flying him up.
"Ahhh!" Sid yelped.
Before he knew it, the ride was over, and he was dumped painfully onto a roof.
"Oww..." Sid groaned, as he stood up. As he glanced upwards, he saw Dark Night glaring at him, his cowl flowing in the wind, "Oh, horseapples."
"Well, well." Dark Night glanced at the payoff parcel still clutched in Sid's hoof. "Got me a little present have you?"
"N-no." Sid trembled. "This is for Duke Draft."
"Not any more." Dark Night grinned.
"B-but if I don't deliver this, my boss is gonna kill me!" Sid quivered.
"I'm gonna kill ya if you don't give it up right now!" Dark Night yelled.
Dark Night grabbed the parcel. Sid held on for dear life, but he wasn't strong enough to keep it. Dark Night pulled it out of his hooves.
"Chubby little whiner." He scowled. "Nopony says 'no' to me!"
Dark Night shoved Sid hard. Sid fell against an aerial. His coat snagged on it, sending him swinging around back at Dark Night. The two collided, and Dark Night was shoved against the roof edge, breaking a wing. The parcel dropped to the floor.
"Gahhh!" He yelled.
Meanwhile, down on the street, Duke Draft, a beige Earth Pony with a red mane and green eyes, and his boys were waiting for the payment.
"Where's whatsisface with my money?" Duke growled. "Dumb clown's always running late..."
"Gahhh!"
The mobsters looked up, seeing the action on the roof.
"Is that... Sid?" One of them asked.
"Fighting Dark Night?!" Another gaped.
"Little weasel's got guts." Duke snorted. "No brains, but guts..."
Back on the roof, Dark held his injured wing, glaring at Sid.
"I-I am so sorry..." Sid cringed. "It w-was an accident. Really!"
"You're gonna pay for that, ya little punk!" Dark lunged at him.
"Not the face!" Sid ducked rapidly, causing Dark to trip over him, and slam face-first into some bricks.
"Sorry!" Sid yelped.
"Rarrrgh!" Dark tackled Sid, punching him repeatedly.
"No more!" Sid whimpered. "Please... stop!"
Sid managed to avoid one punch, causing Dark's hoof to impact on a brick.
"Yeowch!" Dark growled.
The punched brick cracked, and a piece dropped down to a steam tank below (which fed into the steam room in the gym in the building). It impacted on the tank, causing it to start leaking.
"You're gonna get it now, fatty!" Dark roared.
"No, don't!" Sid tried to run, but Dark grabbed his jacket. "Please don't!"
"Please show a little backbone." Dark spat.
Sid managed to slip out of his jacket. Dark tossed it aside, and charged at Sid again. Sid tried to run, but slipped on the money parcel.
"Whoa!" He yelped, throwing out a hoof to steady himself.
The hoof struck the attacking Dark in the face.
"Ugh!" Dark stumbled backward. He tripped over the edge of the roof, and dropped down to the steam tank, which exploded.
"Oh, no..." Sid gasped, looking at the destruction.
As he rushed back down, he was greeted by Duke and the others.
"Oh, uh, hi, Duke." He gulped.
"Do you know what you just did?" Duke asked.
"I-I didn't-" Sid started.
"You killed Dark Night!" Duke smirked. "You're a hero!"
"I am?" Sid smiled.
"A regular badflank." One of the flunkies agreed.
"Didn't know you had it in ya, Siddy." Another beamed.
"Yeah... me neither." Sid chuckled. "Guess I showed him, huh?"
"No kidding!" A third mobster grinned. "You know what'll happen when word gets out? You're gonna go places!"
"Check it out." Duke pulled Dark's singed cowl out of the wreckage. "You got yourself a souvenir. A little something to prove you did the deed."
"Yeah." Sid nodded. "I did it, no question. I killed Dark Night!"
"Let's hear for Sid!" One of the mobster cheered.
"Sid! Sid! Sid!" The gang cheered.
As Sid basked in their adulation, nopony noticed a dark shape dragging itself away.
The Present...
"H-how did you-?" Sid gaped.
"It was a close call." Dark declared. "I used my one good wing to catch the updraft of the explosion. Still made for a rough landing, but at least I got out of there in one piece. After I healed up, I tracked you down to here."
"So it was all a lie?" Grimoire asked Sid.
"I'm sorry." Sid sighed. "I didn't mean to lie. It just felt so good to be praised for once. Of course, then I was sent to you, and I started to realize how tough it'd be to live up to my new rep."
"A rep built on destroying mine." Dark scowled. "Ponies think I was killed by this wimp! I'll set 'em straight soon enough. But the fact that I was almost killed by this loser is too much to bear! I'm gonna have to kill ya, Calimari... AND I WANT MY BUCKING COWL BACK!"
"No, please!" Sid yelped, stepping back in fear, "I didn't mean to do all those things! It was an accident!"
"Really?" Dark growled. "Well, you're abut to have an 'accident' of your own!"
Grimoire stepped between them.
"You want him, you're going to have to go through me." He announced.
"Seriously, Napoleon?" Dark snorted. "You'd defend him, after he lied to you?"
"So he's a liar." Grimoire shrugged. "Doesn't make him a bad pony, heck he wouldn't be a mobster if he didn't. And I've actually gotten to like him. So yes, I will defend him."
"Your funeral." Dark snarled, charging at Grimoire.
Dark had a reputation as a fierce fighter, which he was currently living up to. He lashed out at Grimoire with savage fury. Though Grimoire had managed to stay in shape following retirement, he was clearly outmatched, only getting in one good hit for every three of Dark's. Meanwhile, Sid was standing on the sidelines, frozen in fear.
Grimoire threw a punch at Dark, but the Thestral caught it.
"Going up." He flew up on wings, and dropped Grimoire to the ground.
"Ugh!" Grimoire grunted.
"Going down." Dark smirked. He divebombed Grimoire, ramming him into a wall.
"Urr..." Grimoire slumped to the ground.
"Grim, no!" Sid yelled.
"Now to finish you." Dark smirked. "Nopony gets in my way. Not even you!"
Sid's face suddenly hardened. He grabbed the crossbow, loaded it, and pointed it at Dark.
"Stop right there." He demanded.
"Oh, please." Dark smirked.
"I'm warning you!" Sid spat.
"You're warning me?" Dark snickered. "Gimmee a break."
"I mean it!" Sid yelled. "Back off, or I shoot!"
"Go for it, chubby." Dark taunted. "Let's see what Sid the Squid's really got!"
"Okay, you asked for it!" Sid fired the crossbow.
The bolt glanced off the wall behind Dark.
"Oops." Sid gulped.
"Nice." Dark sneered.
However, the bolt kept bouncing off surfaces, eventually striking a neon sign just above Dark. The sign, already loose by years of substandard maintenance, broke off its moorings, and fell towards Dark.
"No happy accidents to save you this-" Dark started, before the sign crashed on top of him.
"Wow." Sid gaped. "Did I do that?"
"I think you did." Grimoire got to his hooves. "Nice shooting."
"Thanks." Sid smiled.
One of Dark's hooves was sticking out of the wreckage. Grimoire felt for a pulse, and found nothing.
"You really did it this time." Grimoire announced. "You killed Dark Night."
"Only by accident." Sid sighed.
"True." Grimoire nodded. "But you saved us, so that has to count for something, right?"
"I guess it does." Sid smiled a bit.
"...Unfortunately, you do realize I will have to tell the others about what really went down, right?" Grimm frowned.
"Yeah." Sid sighed. "So much for making a name for myself..."
The two returned to Ponyville, the other dons already waiting for the progress report. Grimoire wasted no time in explaining everything.
"So, what exactly are you saying, Grim?" Crowe frowned, after hearing the whole story.
"I'm saying that despite the promises that Sid shows and his merit of offing Dark Night, I'm afraid Sid can't join our inner circle." Grimoire said sadly, as Sid gave a solemn nod, "While he did have a hoof in Dark's death, it was just a lucky accident. And he had major difficulty in performing most of the operations a mobster would do. I can't in good conscience let someone as kind-hearted as Sid get mixed up in all the business that we do. I would never sleep at night if something happen to him because of us..."
The other dons were silent at first, until Crowe spoke.
"...Um, yeah..." Crowe rubbed the back of his head, "We already know about Sid's 'accidental' victory over Dark."
"You did?!" Grimoire and Sid said together.
"Of course we did!" Kamikaze snorted. "Look at the guy! Does he really look like the kind of stallion who could off somepony like Dark Night?"
"Well, off him intentionally." Zebediah added.
"But why would you want him in our group?" Grimoire asked. "I thought you had other candidates."
"Yeah, right." Kamikaze scoffed. "That Gregarious guy? Totally full of himself! He'd never be able to work together with anypony!"
"And Wildwing?" Crowe snarled. "He's a well-known coward. He'd leave us in the lurch at a moment's notice."
"And don't even get me started on that Rutter clown." Zebediah snorted.
"Why, what's wrong with him?" Grimoire asked.
"Major B.O. problem." Zebediah waved his hoof. "We'd all choke to death if we had to sit in the same room with him for more than five minutes."
"Out of all of them, Sid was the only one that actually sounded like a pony we can tolerate." Crowe scoffed.
"Fega swala turu maga krista." Kong declared.
"Master Kong says that sometimes a stallion's reputation is what matters most." The translator added.
"But it was built on a lie." Sid murmured. "I lied to all of you about being somepony I am not."
"Look, Sid." Crowe sighed, "The thing is, I am sick of staring at an empty chair during all our meeting. Like Kong said, you have potential. Sure, you might not be Zugzwang, but he was a guy who sicked a chimera on zebras. Hating zebras myself, I found that a step too far. At this point, you are the best pony we got, right, boys?"
"He sure is." Zebediah nodded. "You've got my vote, Siddy."
"You've got guts, I'll give you that." Kamikaze smiled.
"Wooga avru seka zeefa." Kong announced. "Qua frax dugu kala."
"Master Kong admires your willingness to admit the truth." The translator nodded. "It is very honourable of you. And Master Kong respects honourable stallions."
"Well, isn't this a surprising turn of events..." Grimoire smiled, actually touched by the other dons' support, as he turned to Sid, "What do you say, Sid? You still want to join us?"
"...I dunno." Sid frowned.
"What?!" Kamikaze snarled, "You ungrateful buck! I just threw my heart on the line to you, and you just say 'I dunno'? What kind of sick-"
Oakley suddenly started barking at Kamikaze.
"You might want to ease off on Oakley's pal there, Kami." Grimoire smirked.
"...Okay." Kamikaze gulped, Oakley still growling at him.
"What's wrong, Sid? Isn't this what you wanted?" Crowe asked.
"It's just..." Sid sighed, "I just thought if I was to be one of you guys, it would have been because I deserve it, not because you guys liked me more than everypony else. I mean, you heard Grim. I practically tanked everything that a mobster do! I can't even kill a guy equinely!"
"So?" Kamikaze shrugged. "You killed Dark Night, even if it was an accident."
"Besides, you meant to do it this time." Zebediah added. "And it's the thought that counts."
"But I-" Sid frowned.
"You may not be the ideal mobster, Sid." Grimoire admitted. "But that doesn't make you worthless. You may not be the toughest tough guy out there, but you stood up to Dark to protect me, and that says a lot."
"Fraj dro sev qui wu daj." Kong said.
"Master Kong says that it is the strength within that matters most." The translator declared.
"And that's something you have in spades." Crowe smiled.
"Gee, thanks guys." Sid frowned. "But still, I-"
Just then, there was a knock at the door. Grimoire answered it to find an exhausted Murray behind it. His suit was ragged, and he seem to be wearing an icepack taped to his backside.
"Hey, Grim." Murray yawned, panting lightly.
"Murray?" Grimoire gaped. "What happened to you? And what's with the ice pack?"
"It's a long story." Murray panted. "But to make it short, I need more of those cookies you have here!"
"Cookies?" Grimoire frowned. "What cookies?"
"You know, those cookies you had on the table the other day!"
"Wait...you mean Sid's cookies?" Grimoire gasped.
"You ate my cookies?"
Murray and Grim turned to see Sid and the other dons walking in, the latter curious about what was going on.
"Your cookies?" Murray asked, "You mean you made those Faust-send treats?!"
"He did... but what is going on here? Why you want those cookies?" Grimoire raised a brow.
"Oh, Grim... I don't know what happened, but when me and May ate those cookies, all we could think of is bucking each others' brains out! We been bucking it out for the last couple of weeks! Just yesterday, we found out that we were having a foal!"
"Really?" Grimoire asked. "That's great news!"
"Congratulations." Crowe smiled.
"Mazzle tov!" Zebediah added.
"Yeah, kudos." Kamikaze shrugged.
"Ganu squala." Kong grinned.
"Master Kong gives you his heartiest congratulations for your blessing." The translator declared.
"You must be so happy!" Sid beamed.
"Yeah, but what made it sweet was the mating we did to celebrate us having a kid! We practically worn out our bedsprings!" Murray smiled proudly.
"...Sid, what in the buck are in those cookies?!" Grimoire asked Sid in shock.
"Well..." Sid said sheepishly, "You remember how I said I tend to use... 'illegal substances' in baking?"
"That you did." Grimoire nodded.
"You see, back in the days, I like to bake all sorts of unique food. And I like to give them certain... you know, 'oomf'." Sid admitted, "I have a few connections that hooks me up with those stuff, and I would put them into my pastries. Just eating one of them could have all sorts of very beneficial effects. Like say, amping up a couple's sex drives to very, very high levels."
"Well, they most certainly work." Murray chuckled. "And they were still good." He then frowned, "But they are safe, right?"
"Oh yes... they may be illegal, but I take extra care in making sure they're safe to eat." Sid shrugged, "It's all I can really do. Make tasty food that make you horny, high, or as giddy as a giraffe in spring."
"Wait... you can make food that can get you high?" Zebediah gaped.
"Oh yes." Sid nodded, "And not like those pot brownies. I'm talking high as outer space high!"
"Ooh, not bad." Zebediah grinned.
"Gunb fila berd." Kong announced.
"Master Kongs says such confections have... potential." The translator declared.
"No kidding." Kamikaze smirked. "I'm starting to see baking in a whole new light..."
"And there's more." Sid smiled. "I've also made pastries that you could use against your enemies. I've made crepes that can dull a pony's mind, scones that work like depressants, canolis that paralyze the eater... Though one time, I somehow made rice cakes that when eaten, your head blows up."
"...No. Buckin'. Way." Kamikaze gasped loudly. "You weaponized rice cakes." He then placed his hooves on Sid's shoulders and hugged him tightly. "I think I might be fallin' in love with you."
*Wait, you guys actually like the idea? I thought you guys wouldn't like a has-been baker in your group." Sid frowned.
"Yeah, but a baker who makes cookies that make you into a sex machine?" Crowe smiled, "I wouldn't mind some of that!"
"And all the deadly stuff you can make?" Kamikaze nodded, "That would open up a whole new branch of mafia warfare!"
"I'd try some." Zebediah chuckled. "And I know a couple of guys I could give those canolis to..."
"Gruc zibi frajin." Kong declared.
"Master Kong asks how much you would charge for such confectionaries." The translator added.
"Charge?" Sid smiled. "Like... you'd buy them?"
"Sure." Crowe nodded. "I'd pay a dozen Bits for some of those performance enhancing cookies. No, two dozen."
"Frip brawa." Kong added.
"Master Kong wishes to order ten dozen Bits worth." The translator declared.
"Get in line, tubby." Kamikaze sneered. "I'm first! I want those head exploding rice cakes!"
"Well, look at that." Grimoire smiled. "I think you may have found your niche after all."
"Yeah, you could make your own little bakery." Zebediah grinned. "I guarantee you'd rake in the dough! Whattaya say?"
"It's not exactly what I had in mind, but it is something I could be proud of." Sid admitted. "Okay, I'll do it!"
"Terrific." Crowe smiled. "Say, I know this place in Whinneyapolis that would make a great underground bakery. I'll lend you some cash to buy it, and you give me a few freebies in return, okay?"
"You got it." Sid nodded.
"Let me know when you're open." Murray smiled. "May and me could use some more of those cookies."
The dons started making requests of Sid, who looked ecstatic that he had finally found something he was good at.
"Maybe there is a place on this council for you after all." Grimoire declared. "You obviously have skills of your own. Skills that could help us."
"Well, I guess I could give it a try..." Sid shrugged. "Maybe for a little while."
"That's the spirit." Crowe smiled.
"Welcome aboard!" Zebediah chuckled.
"Duba skovo." Kong declared.
"Master Kong says he is pleased to have you join us." The translator declared.
"I call the call the seat next to him!" Kamikaze yelled.
"We're happy to have you." Grimoire smiled. "Even if it's just for a little while."
"Thanks, guys." Sid said humbly.
The next day, they all gathered in the study, to make things official.
"So it's unanimous." Crowe declared. "Sid is our new sixth member."
"Agreed." Grimoire nodded.
"Hear, hear." Zebediah grinned.
"You know it!" Kamikaze clapped Sid on the shoulder.
"Wulo." Kong nodded.
"Master Kong says 'yes'." The translator declared.
The dons took their seats. Just before Sid sat down himself, he took Dark Night's singed cowl out of his pocket, and draped it over his seat. It was a symbol, not of false victory, but how one little accident could lead to such great things.
A couple of days later, Grimoire finished chronicling the events of the past few days in his memoirs.
'And that is the story of Sid the Squid. Not exactly don material at first glance, but he had a criminal style all his own. His secret bakery is up and running as we speak, and business is booming. That just goes to show, we all have our own callings in life. Sometimes, you just need a little help finding them. And sometimes, that calling can really help others. I know those cookies of Sid's have really helped me and Zecora, if you catch my drift...'