Come, hump me! My testes shall feast on eyeballs and entrails!
To my infinite disappointment, the party seemed to have ended while I was in the hospital. In fact, when I arrived on the scene, all that was left of Sugarcube Corner was a charred husk. The fire-horses, two words cleverly combined to describe horses that dealt with and or put out fires, were on the scene, piling body-bags, two words cleverly combined to describe bags for bodies, on the curb. As I C-stepped up looking danker than last weeks' kush that someone forgot to put in the refrigerator, I got a lot of weird looks.
Now, I don't know how many times I've mentioned it already, but I don't enjoy getting strange looks. I went ahead and gave everyone within sight range a strange look of my own, and I'm sure they didn't much appreciate that either, but I didn't ask. Instead, I walked up to Pinkie Pie, who was wrapped in a blanket across the street. Her hair was singed and her pink makeup was smeared near her eyes, revealing the white fur beneath.
She looked like a real mess, but I wasn't about to get involved in her emotional problems. If marriage taught me anything, it's that a woman's feelings are better left ignored, lest they think you're actually interested in talking about them. And by Bungie's beard can those Y-chromosomed freaks talk about feelings. The only thing I've ever felt is disappointment, and you don't hear me bringing that up at every opportunity. Except for right now, I suppose...
"Yo, Pinkie, where the party at?" I asked, getting straight to the point.
Pinkie's eyes widened, and she sniffled a bit as she stared at me for a few seconds. Finally she opened her mouth, hiccuping as she spoke, "Halo man? B-but, I thought you were dead. I saw you..." She looked like she was about to throw up as tears once again started gushing out of the corners of her eyes.
Aw jeez, the last thing I needed right now was a crying she-horse. I had to calm her down quick. "Haha, of course I'm not dead. I only exploded a little bit." It didn't seem to be working as she'd devolved into straight up bawling.
"I-I-I s-saw your b-b-boooody!" She sobbed, sounding incredibly immature if I'm to be so honest. Jeez, I was the one in the hospital and she's the one crying? I really had to do something fast or I'd never figure out where the party moved to. Perhaps a joke would cheer her up. She loves jokes!
"Hey Pinkie, what's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Halo car?" I gave her a few seconds, but instead of answering she just continued to cry. "I've never humped a halo car." Actually, that's not true, I've humped dozens of halo cars, but the details aren't important.
Unfortunately, it seemed to have no effect. "Everyone is dead!" she shouted. "The cakes are all dead and all the halo mans are dead and Sugarcube Corner is destroyed!" Dang, I wasn't getting through to this pony at all. If anything, she was just crying harder now. It was clear that I'd never get any answers out of her. I just shrugged and walked away, going down the street as I figured out what to do next.
Why was I here anyway? I started to wonder about that, but everything was confusing. My memories were all hazy. Everything from the last half day was clear, but before that things came and went, and a lot of things weren't making sense. Why was I here in the first place? I continued walking, trying to get things straight, when someone interrupted my thoughts.
"There you are!" I looked over, only to see a teal pony coming towards me. I was a little confused, as I don't think I've ever seen this pony in my life. "I've been looking all over for you." From the tone of her voice she seemed pretty angry, though I couldn't fathom why. Who could possibly be angry at this face? I mean mine. I'm fuckin' adorable.
"Do I know you?" I wondered, not bothering to hump around the bush.
"What, of course. I'm lyra. We talked just yesterday!" She seemed incredulous, which was strange since that's exactly how I felt. She didn't look familiar to me.
"You must have the wrong Halo," I explained, turning to walk away. Of course, she wasn't about to let that happen, and she ran up in front of me. I had half a mind to just step right on her, but the other half just didn't care enough to take action and decided to hear her out. "Yeah, what is it?"
"How do you not remember me?" she shouted, pointing her stubby, little horn at me in some kind of angsty, unicorn body language. "We talked yesterday, then I passed out because your stories were horrendous, then I woke up outside town this morning, half frozen and covered in dirt! Ringing any bells?!"
I gave her that look. You know the one, where you just have to let someone know that they're being irrational but you don't want to use words to do it. However, she didn't seem to understand from my look alone, so it seemed I'd have to spell it out to her.
"I don't know what you're talking about at all, and you're honestly sounding insane. I never talked to you yesterday. I came back from the cave and went to a party yesterday, then I woke up in a hospital."
"What about before that?" she pestered, looking unconvinced that I didn't know her. "I'm certain it was you since you're the only Halo. I even asked around and several other ponies saw us talking yesterday!"
This whole conversation was giving me a headache. Honestly, yesterday was such a blur, I had no idea what she was talking about at all. There must have been something in the punch at that party. "Look, you probably talked to one of my clones or something since I honestly have never seen you before in my life, and a halo never forgets (to kill)."
At this point I really wasn't interested in listening anymore, I just wanted to find a quiet place to think for a while. My head was spinning. Not literally, of course, but that didn't change anything. "Look, I have important places to be, and deadlines to meet. Gotta blast," I lied as I began walking away. Of course, this unicorn was persistent and she was hot on my heels. Not literally, of course.
"You can't just walk away, I at least expect an apology. Also I want you to apologize for telling me those awful stories! Hey, where are you going?!" she began shouting as I picked up my pace, sprinting off. Yeah right, like I'd ever apologize to anyone. What's more, she was getting really annoying and I really didn't want to deal with this right now. "I'm going to get my lawyer!"
Thankfully, she didn't seem to be following, though I doubt she could. Halo's nimble, halo's quick. Halo goes down the halo stick. She'd need a boosting Danny Phantom to catch up to me the way I was running. Before long, I was gone, having easily reached the outskirts of the tiny town. Of course, I didn't stop there, and in no time I was at the forest.
I just wanted some time to try to clear my head, and I think I saw in a National Geographic magazine once that horses don't like trees. Either way, the forest was empty so now I was able to walk this lonely road, the only one that I have ever known, and I walk alone. It was nice and quiet out here, even the birds were quiet. It was so serene I nearly forgot all my troubles. Nearly... but Halos never forget (to kill).
It couldn't have been more than thirty minutes, however, before that changed, and next thing I knew I was surrounded. A bunch of cute, wooden doges had seemingly come out of (kek) the woodwork, and they looked eager for attention. I guess I wasn't paying enough attention to my halo radar. "Oh wow, such wood, much cute," I memed. It seemed they liked that, as the biggest one stepped forward, smiling so wide I could see all its wooden teeth.
"Well aren't you absolutely adorable?" I asked rhetorically since I'd already confirmed that it was absolutely adorable and I didn't need an answer, which is what that word means. I got down on one knee and held out my hand palm-up. "Here, boy."
It must have good senses as it seemed to instantly recognize that I was a friend, and it lunged forward, giving my hand a friendly nuzzle. It was even grinding its teeth on my arm in the most adorable way. "Aw shucks, that tickles," I laughed as I patted its head with my other arm. It near instantly turned and latched on to that hand, growling and giving me those big puppy dog eyes. Clearly he really loved the attention, and the others looked like they were getting jealous. Before long, they joined in, tackling me from all directions and looking for attention.
I couldn't help but laugh as they clawed and gnawed at my armor skin. It was all just too adorable. If I knew the forest was full of such friendly creatures, I would have ditched the ponies a long time ago and come to live out here. This was the happiest I'd felt in literally minutes. It was almost enough to make me forget all my worries. Almost... but halos never forget (to kill).
Then, of course, my great time had to be ruined by, you guessed it, a pony. A smoke bomb suddenly flew from the woods and landed next to my head and the wooden dogs almost instantly ran off, clearly disliking the smell. It smelled kinda like cat pee, so I guess I didn't like it much either. I stood up, fairly upset, when a new pony I'd never met emerged from behind a bush. It was covered in stripes that I'm guessing were some new-age fashion statement or something, but they honestly looked terrible.
"I was vaping urine when I heard some awful sounds, and came to find you on the ground, with timber wolves all around and no help inbound," it said, sounding like a female. "If you're hurt, then come quick, I got some ointment that'll do the trick, though it might make you sick 'cuz it came outa my dick." Apparently it wasn't a girl at all, and also it was winking at me, which made me a bit uncomfortable for some reason. Not to mention, he/she/it/ze was clearly speaking in tongues, which meant it was probably possessed.
I stood up and looked around, but saw no signs of where my dog friends had run off to. Then I looked back at the pony, which had an unsettling look in its eyes, and I sighed. I was probably the only one in this entire forest who could possibly exorcise this pony. As a devout follower of Bungie, it was my duty, after all.
"Alright, whatever," I said, deciding to let it take me back to wherever it dwelled rather than just doing the exorcism here in the middle of the woods. Besides, I didn't even have any proper equipment on me. It was only now I realized I'd left my weapons somewhere, probably at the hospital, so I was completely unarmed. Well, not completely, since I still have my good ol' fists. Either way, I couldn't perform an exorcism so woefully unprepared. I'd need to improvise.
"Follow me friend, my home is pretty swank. We can chill and I'll make us a pitcher of purple drank."
"Oh sweet, I love purple drank," I cried as I followed after it. Wow, I sure do enjoy me some purple drank! Maybe it wasn't a demon after all.