When Tarnished Teapot awoke, the room was dark. He lay in the bed, aware of the warm body beside him. The alarm clock had not yet gone off. It was a new day, full of promise. Tarnish rolled over and draped his still healing foreleg over Maud. Snuggling up against her, he contented himself by pressing his snoot into the back of her neck and sniffing.
Half awake, Tarnish realised that something had changed. He was no longer quite so embarrassed about waking up with raging morning wood. He didn’t feel so ashamed of being near Maud in this condition. Yawning, Tarnish pawed Maud’s side and gave the back of her neck a nuzzle. The warm flannel of Maud’s nightgown felt good against his underside.
Still sniffing, Tarnish tilted his head and pressed his nose into the hollow just behind Maud’s ear. He rubbed his snoot along the soft velvet of her pelt, feeling the fine short hairs against his lip and the soft silken strands of Maud’s mane against his cheek. He gave an enthusiastic snort followed by a soft whinny.
“That is not a rooster,” Maud said in a voice that sounded sleepier than usual.
“Hmm?” Tarnish ran his leg over Maud’s side and breathed into her ear.
“That is not a rooster,” Maud repeated, still sleepy sounding.
It took Tarnish a moment to make the connection, his half awake brain summoning up another word for rooster. He rubbed the side of his muzzle against Maud, now grinning, and he snuggled up against her back. He felt Maud’s tail twitch up against his thighs and it caused his whole body to shudder.
“Are you going to wake up like that every morning?” Maud asked in a low voice. After speaking, Maud paused for a moment and then yawned. “You better finish what you started, the Pie family does not take kindly to shirkers and ponies who start a job but don’t finish it.” Held in Tarnish’s lose embrace, Maud Pie rolled over to face Tarnish.
“Aw, I like being up against your back,” Tarnish whispered in the dark.
“And I like having you against my back.” Maud reached over and with a firm shove to show that she meant business, she rolled Tarnish over on his back. “All that heavy breathing in my ear left me flustered.”
“Well that was the idea,” Tarnish breathed.
“Tarnish, it is time you learned that little colts aren’t the only ones who wake up aroused and needy.” Maud slid one hind leg over Tarnish’s belly and then scooted her body over his. “All that huffing and puffing in my ear. Now I have to sort myself out. This might take a while. Now be quiet as a stone and try not to make any noise.”
Dropping her head down, Maud pressed her muzzle up against Tarnish’s, swallowing up Tarnish’s muffled cry as she took him. She felt his forelegs wrap around her body, pulling her closer, shoving her downwards, a clumsy, jerky movement that accomplished the job. There was a tense moment as something that was almost pain made her gasp, but then, she relaxed and the tense feeling of discomfort went away after a few seconds.
They were still figuring out how everything worked and not everything was smooth or perfect. Maud wasn’t worried though. They had a lifetime to figure each other out and make improvements.
“I still can’t get over Maud’s mane being curly,” Limestone grumbled in a half-awake voice as she watched her sister sit down at the breakfast table. Limestone noticed that Maud’s curls were damp and that Maud appeared to have just come out of the shower. Without being able to point to any part of Maud and use it as evidence, Limestone could not help but notice that Maud seemed happy.
“What’s for breakfast?” Igneous asked as he looked around the table.
“Oatmeal with dried fruit and cinnamon rolls made by Tarnish’s mother,” Cloudy replied. She looked over at Pinny, who was hunched over the table, almost asleep. “Poor dear. Several nights in now with not enough sleep. Now look at her.”
“I’m awake,” Pinny mumbled, her head jerking up.
“The house was so quiet last night.” Marble, armed with a spoon, looked around the table, the corner of her mouth pulled back into a smirk. “Well, quiet being a relative term. No creaky bedsprings.”
“Marble,” Cloudy said as she pushed the covered dish full of oatmeal towards the filly. “You hush your mouth and mind your manners, you little scamp.”
“It’s always the quiet ones,” Pinny said and then yawned.
“Then Maud should be the funniest pony alive.” Limestone turned her head, looked at her sister, and waved a hoof in Maud’s direction.
Raising an eyebrow, Igneous looked over at Maud, knowing full well that Maud had a wicked sense of humour. It was like a double rainbow, a blue moon, it was something rare and treasured because one did not see it very often. Maud had devastating dry wit, just like her Granny Pie, Cloudy’s mother, and his mother in law. Igneous lived in fear of his mother in law’s sharp as an axe tongue and her caustic witticisms. His own mother, Pinkie, called Nana Pinkie by her grandfoals, could cut down just about anypony with one of her witty rejoinders.
“I could have been the Element of Laughter,” Maud said in a perfect deadpan.
Igneous turned his head to look at Limestone. The ball was in her court now. Limestone had started the game, Maud had joined the game, and now, Igneous wondered who was going to finish it.
Limestone’s eyebrow raised. “Is that so? Prove it.”
Feeling a prickle of fear, Igneous turned his head to look at Maud.
“I’m not really into competition.” Maud looked over at her sister. “But I am confident in my ability to make other ponies laugh. I roasted Discord at the Grand Galloping Gala.”
“How about now, when you are put on the spot?” Limestone asked. Her eyes narrowed as she challenged her sister.
Sitting at the head of the table, Igneous felt Cloudy grab his fetlock with hers. Glancing over, he could see a worried look on Cloudy’s face. Having been parents for twenty years, they had seen some ugly moments of no holds barred sibling rivalry.
“Buck-buck-buck-buccaw!” Limestone, making chicken noises, flapped her forelegs at her side. “I think somepony is a Chicken Pot Pie.”
“Fine,” Maud sighed and looked over at Tarnish.
The table fell silent as Maud leaned over and looked at Tarnish. She reached out with her hoof, placed it under Tarnish’s chin, and pulled his head closer, drawing him almost, but not quite, snoot to snoot with her. “Look into my eyes, Tarnished Teapot.”
“Okay,” Tarnish replied.
“Look at my face… my eyes… I want you to focus on me, and only me,” Maud commanded in a flat monotone. “Look how serious I am.”
“Yeah, I can see that, but you always look serious,” Tarnish said as he peered into Maud’s eyes, wondering what was about to happen.
“Listen to the sound of my voice. Do I sound funny?” Maud asked.
“Well, no… Maud, sorry, but you kinda sound like you’re going to fall back to sleep,” Tarnish replied. He felt Maud’s hoof beneath his chin, her gentle touch holding his head in place.
“Now Tarnish, when I say, ‘livestock zoning guidelines and practices,’ does that sound funny?” Maud lifted her other hoof and brought it up to Tarnish’s cheek to caress it.
Tarnish gave his head a faint shake, but not enough to break eye contact with Maud. “No Maud, but that is something that you would say. The way you say it though makes it even more boring than usual.”
“This whole thing is boring,” Limestone said, rolling her eyes.
“Tarnish, what about when I say, ‘industrial mining regulations and geological survey outlines,’ what does that do to you?” Maud, ignoring Limestone’s eye-rolling, focused on Tarnish.
“If you said that to me in bed, I’d roll over and go to sleep,” Tarnish replied.
“That’s almost funny.” Limestone waved her hoof in a dismissive fashion.
“Now Tarnish, focus upon the soothing sound of my voice… and I am going to say one word to you. Look deep into my eyes Tarnish,” Maud said in a perfect, flat monotone.
Tensing, Igneous felt Cloudy squeezing his fetlock again.
Leaning forward, Maud’s snoot touched Tarnish’s and her ears pitched forwards. “Genitalia.”
The room was filled with thunderous, deafening silence. Maud’s snoot lingered against Tarnish’s and she blinked. When she blinked, all of Tartarus broke loose. Tarnish let out a snort, then sniggered, and then threw his head back as he bellowed laughter. He covered his mouth with both front hooves, but it was no use. A second later, Tarnish fell over out of his chair and hit the kitchen floor with a thud.
When Tarnish hit the floor, his mother Pinny exploded into half awake laughter, covering her mouth with a hoof in very much the same way her son did.
Cloudy, struggling to keep a straight face, her cheeks bulging, lost it completely. She turned away from Maud, turning towards her husband, pressed her face into Igneous’ neck, and then the middle-aged mare squealed with laughter.
The sound of Cloudy’s fillyish laughter completely destroyed Igneous’ stony facade. He crowed with laughter, his forelegs now around Cloudy’s neck, clutching at her, trying to hold her so the two of them would not fall out of their chairs.
Marble, cheeks red as beets, made a flatulent sound as some laughter escaped her lips, which were pressed tight together. She squeezed her eyes shut, let out a shrill squeak, and then collapsed into laughter, hunched over the table and banging her hoof upon the wood surface.
Limestone, unable to help herself, began to guffaw, falling back into her chair, her head tilting back, and she clutched her sides as she kicked her hind legs.
Looking around the table, Maud heaved a sigh. “It wasn’t even that funny. I was counting on Tarnish’s immaturity when I said it.”