//------------------------------// // Dang ol' Love // Story: I Killed Fiddy Men, Not Ponies // by LtMajorDude //------------------------------// "Okay, so what's changed, Discord?" Anthony said with crossed forelegs as he stood in front of Discord, who was drinking a glass from chocolate milk. Cotton stood in front with a growl in his throat, not happy about this current situation. There were books in that library that were the closest thing to nudie channels. "Here's what happened." Discord calmly stated as he floated above the Pupils. "Twilight is a princess, her treehouse was destroyed by a dangerous creature named Tirek, the treehouse is replaced by a castle that has a map that summons any member of the Mane 6 by causing their cutie mark to flash like a beacon, Cranky and Matilda are married, Gilda is reformed, Fluttershy has a brother, I'll tell you more about that when the time comes, Bon Bon is a secret agent, Babs Seed has her own cutie mark, Twilight made up with her friend Moondancer, Mark broke up with Luna..." "He did?" Cotton said with a surprised look on his face. "Nah." Discord said as he waved his hand at Cotton. "Just wanted to make sure you were paying attention. Where was I? Oh yes, I have a new home, which I must show the Pupils someday. Oooooh, I smell a sleepover~~~! Oh, and everypony doesn't know about your absence, Cotton." "Swell." Cotton grumbled. "The simulation that you were in Cotton now exists. All you have to do is enter in a portal Twilight has. The human dimension is similar to the simulation you experienced. The reign of Sunset Shimmer, the Battle of Bands, and even the Friendship Games!" "Friendship Games?" Rusty asked. "I'll tell you when the time comes." Discord said while winking. "Anyway, not much has happened, other than that stuff. Dale also knows about this stuff, since he is a brony. Also, I think Bill is becoming a brony too." "Ah don't understand almost a single damn word ya just said, other than the nerd bein' a princess." Cotton grumbled before looking at his side with crossed forelegs. "So Breaking Dawn is a princess! Whoop de doo, how awesome." "She is also afraid of quesadillas." Discord quickly said. Cotton grabbed Discord's legs. "Ah demand ya teach me how to make quesa-dill-ahs!" The old stallion growled. "What of the ones from our world?" Gilbert asked Discord. "None of them have changed drastically." Discord answered as he pulled Cotton from his legs. "Though I believe your crystal friend Appleseed has a crush on Fluttershy's friend, Tree Hugger. Dale Gribble also has more information about My Little Pony, Bill lost more weight, almost all the mares are officially obsessed with Boomhauer, with the exception of the Elements of Harmony, princesses, villains, married ones, lesbian ones, and Rarity and such." "Like who?" Cotton asked with a raised eyebrow. "Who's in love wit' Boomhauer?" Discord just smiled as he snapped his fingers, resulting in a long scroll appearing in front of Cotton, who stared at the list as the scroll unrolled right in front of him. Cotton just raised an eyebrow in confusion. Discord simply chuckled. "I told you things changed, Cotton Hill." He simply said. Cotton's eyes popped open as a devious idea popped in his head, along with a devious grin on his face. He immediately rushed to Discord and started to whisper in his ear. Discord soon smiled evilly as he rubbed his hands. "I love it when you're evil, Cotton. Let's make it happen!" "Make what happen?" Jimmy asked. Discord smiled evilly as his head suddenly popped out of each of the Pupils' ears and leaned towards their other ears, whispering something quickly. "Um." Anthony said, unsure what to say. "Well, it could be fun." Rusty said as he scratched the back of his head. "Does not seem well-mannered." Gilbert said as he shook his head. "Woo whee!" Patch hooted as he jumped around Discord. "Dang ol' count me IN. Dang ol' best moment ever in the dang ol' world, yo!" "DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO EEEEEEEEEET!" Jimmy shouted as he stomped his hooves on the ground. Phonsawan just shook his hooves frantically. "Wait, I like that idea, but you just came out of a simulation where you were a human, and then almost got killed by a teen, and then time-traveled, and then almost got killed by brainwashed students, and now the first thing you want to do since you came out of that hell-hole...is that?!" Cotton nodded while smiling. "I think those shins were the only thing keeping you sane, you old geezer." Phonsawan grumbled as he slammed a hoof on his forehead. "Good to see ya, Mark!" Cotton greeted with a happy grin as he trotted to Mark's home. Mark was at the doorway with a huge smile, waving his hoof. "Hey, Cotton!" Mark greeted as he trotted to Cotton. "What's new?" "Nothin' new." Cotton replied, trying very hard to ignore the events that happened to him. "May Ah come in?" "Sure!" Mark said as he went inside his house. Cotton smirked and trotted inside, sniffing at what seemed like tea. He took a good look of the house, seeing his living room with pictures of mountains and fields and such. A shelf stood by the wall, filled with books and a vase of flowers. A sofa stood next to another wall, where Cotton saw Derpy and Ben sitting on the couch, calmly sipping tea. Cotton hated tea, so he did his best to smile, despite that aroma coming up to his nostrils, filling his throat with bile that he tried not to let out. "Hey Ben. Hey Ditsy." Cotton said as he tried not to sniff too much of the tea. "It's Derpy." The pegasus said while giving a bashful smile. Ben just nodded at Cotton with a smile as he gulped down his tea. "What brings you here, Cotton?" Ben asked as he finished his tea. Cotton just smirked. Fifteen minutes have passed and Cotton trotted out of the house with a grin as he waved goodbye at Mark, Ben, and Derpy. "We'll be there at 9 AM sharp!" Mark shouted as he closed the door. Cotton chuckled. "Oh man, this is the best thang Ah eva don-UMPPH!" Cotton's eyes shot open as he bumped into a pony, causing him to crash into the ground. Growling, he got up and was ready to bark at the pony. One good look of the pony made him go from barking to dropping his jaw. As Cotton eyed the mare's unicorn horn, white skin, neon blue mane, and goggles, he took a step back to get a better look of the unicorn. "Ah totally forgot dat Vinyl is in our world also." Cotton asked as Vinyl nodded at him with a smile and walked away, bopping her head from the music she was listening to with her headphones on her head. Cotton blinked a few times before trotting away. A week has passed since Cotton has arrived from the simulation. Cotton is trying to figure out how to convince Twilight to let him use the portal to take him to the human world. He also learned that not much has passed. His son, Hank Hill was still trying to make a propane grill as Dale continued his work as an exterminator. The more appropriate word, however, is insect tamer, since Fluttershy forced him to not kill a single insect. Bill and Kahn now works for Pinkie Pie, helping her bake cakes and cater. Pinkie Pie forced Bill to exercise, explaining why he lost some weight. She also helped Kahn sing, with the assistance of Fluttershy and Sweetie Belle. Boomhauer worked as a mailpony along with Derpy, whom he befriended. He almost tried to go out with her, until he found out she is involved with a pony named Doctor Whooves. He and Boomhauer also befriended each other, and, most surprisingly, the doctor understands Boomhauer's speech, though he does not understand what Boomhauer means about Dr. Who. The rest of the ponies from Earth got normal jobs and lifestyles and other stuff Cotton did not know much or have any interest, whatsoever. However, he did heard how the six Earthling ponies at Crystal Empire, Crsyal sifnjsjdjdjincjs as he calls them, were doing alright. However, Cotton was mainly focused on something else he deemed was "important." As he adjusted his tie, he looked in a mirror and smiled at the black tuxedo he was wearing. He turned around and saw the Pupils wearing tuxedos like his, though Gilbert wore a white tuxedo similar to the one he wore back on Earth. "I wanna burn this suit." Phonsawan grumbled as Jimmy picked his nose with his mouth slightly opened. Derpy stood next to Mark and Ben, wearing a gray dress with her mane done in a bun-fashion. Mark and Ben both wore gray tuxedos. Mark adjusted his tie with a smile as Ben stared at his wrist watch. "Alrighty everypony!" Cotton shouted, catching the attention of everypony. "Everythin' is set. Fidel Castro invited 'em mares, fifteen so that it doesn't get dat crowded, Boomhauer thinks he's a coming for a photo, and Ah stole Dale's journal about the ponies in this world. We just need to wait for Castro." Cotton walked to the curtain and opened it, peeking his head and seeing a group of mares standing with dresses and such. Cotton smiled as he ducked his head back in just as the mares glanced at the theater stage. Cotton tapped his hoof on the back of the stage as Discord teleported in with an orange suit. "The trap is set, Cotton Gin!" He snickered as he floated up to the curtain. "Boomhauer's coming to this backstage as we speak." "Good." Cotton replied evilly. "Greet the mares. Let the show begin. And don't call me Cotton Gin." Discord teleported from the backstage as Boomhauer stepped inside the backstage. He wore a black tuxedo with a red neck tie and a dark red rose pinned on the left side of the suit. His mane was slicked up a bit and his smile almost let out a shine. He checked the time in his wrist watch as he glanced back up to everypony else. "Dang ol' early man? Where in the git damn cameras and lights and yo?" Boomhauer slightly grunted as he looked around. Discord suddenly appeared in front of the group of mares with a giant smile and a giant microphone. "Ladies! Welcome! Let's see who's here!" Discord said as he snapped his fingers, resulting in a large piece of paper teleporting in front of him. "Hmm...Zecora, Aloe Blossum, Lotus Blossom, Carrot Top, Colgate, Berry Punch, Love Tap, I hope your son, Button Mash, is doin' alright, Spitfire, Fleetfoot, The Great and Powerful Trixie, Lily, Daisy, Roseluck, Coco Pommel, and...Maud Pie." He glanced up to the fifteen mares, standing in front of them filled with anxiety, excitement, nervous feelings, and determination in their veins. They either glanced at other mares, started a friendly chat with few, or just glare at their competitors. Since this was being treated like a dating game show, some of them were brought in for a quick interview. Trixie grinned proudly as she cleaned her blue dress and adjusted her hoop earrings on her ear lobes. Trixie Interview: "The Great and Powerful Trixie deserves a noble stallion for her to live with until the day Trixie dies." She said as she let out a love-filled sigh. "Trixie will get Boomhauer, mark Trixie's words." Love Tap bit her lips in slight shyness, looking at the mares around her before she looked back at the ground, kicking the ground slightly. Love Tap Interview: "My husband and I divorced seven months ago, though we're still friends." The cream-colored mare explained as she fiddled around with her hooves. "I just want a stallion who will love me for who I am. I hope he likes video games, or else he'll never get along with Button." Zecora looked at her exotic dress one more time, smiling and nodding in approval as she glanced back up to Discord. Zecora Interview: "It is not often that I participate in such celebrations." Zecora confessed before her smile turned dreamy. "But when I look at Boomhauer eyes, I cannot resist the temptations..." Discord smiled as he turned around and winked at Cotton, who was peeking from the curtain with a huge smirk plastered on his face. Cotton nodded and turned to a confused Boomhauer. "Dang ol' don't worry dang ol' big brother man." Patch assured Boomhauer as he put a hoof around his shoulder. "Dang ol' enjoy yourself and live dat viva la voca loca life, yo!" "Dang ol' huh?!" Boomhauer asked, completely lost. "Everymare!" Discord shouted in his microphone. "Now the moment you're been waiting for! Fifteen mares. One stallion. Only one of these beautiful mares eill win the chance of capturing the heart of the stallion of their dreams! And here he is!!!!" Discord ripped the curtain from the stage, revealing a flabbergasted Boomhauer, staring at the mares who were staring back at him dreamily. "Uuhhh..." was all that came out of Boomhauer's lips. Maud Pie Interview: "He's beautiful." Maud Pie said, her facial expressions not changing whatsoever. Blushing heavily with crimson red, Coco Pommel bit her hoof as soon as she stared at the handsome, yet confused, Boomhauer. Coco Pommel Interview: "Rarity once said I looked beautiful and that I should have eventually find a stallion I could love." Coco said as she twiddled her mane a bit. "I hope Boomhauer finds me pretty and beautiful..." Spitfire and Fleetfoot couldn't help but giggled a tiny bit at the confused Boomhauer and even winked at the same time at the stallion when he glanced at them. Spitfire and Fleetfoot Interview: "It's about time a Wonderbolt like myself deserves a trophy husband like Boomhauer!" Fleetfoot said in a proud tone and a proud smile. Spitfire just rolled her eyes. "Oh please!" The orange pegasus retorted. "Everypony in the Wonderbolts Academy knew you originally had your eyes on Soarin' before you learned that he's falling for Rainbow Dash!" Boomhauer continued to stare at the mares without any understanding in his head. Jimmy leaned to Phonsawan. "He no understand." Jimmy whispered to the Laotian. Mark walked up to Boomhauer and whispered in his ear. "Boomhauer, you are the star of what Discord calls, a dating game show." Boomhauer finally understood what was going on, indicated by his wide eyes. Discord snapped his fingers as he levitated up to the sky, suddenly filled with fireworks and visual effects. "Only one will win Boomhauer's heart! Who shall it be?! Welcome to the new dating game show devised by Cotton Hill! Welcome to Dang ol' Love!"