//------------------------------// // Report 2: Disneyland // Story: Ponies on Earth: Incident Reports // by Tartarusbound //------------------------------// In 95% of personal defense contracts, the client and business engage in a simple give-and-take. Beyond the material cost of services, the client trades a certain degree of freedom for protection and peace-of-mind. Even if a client may bristle under some of these restrictions, anyone looking for a bodyguard probably values their lives enough to cooperate. The most dangerous contracts, however, are the final 5%: Contracts formed on behalf of others. Children and teenage clients (especially teenagers) easily tire of safety protocol, especially when protocol wastes time or calls attention to themselves. Thankfully, due diligence is often enough to keep children from escaping a secured perimeter. Ponies with access to flight and magic, however… that was still a “work in progress”. “I thought that we agreed on only one guard,” the “Princess of Friendship” complained. “You also agreed to stay together,” Mike recalled, staring daggers at Carl, “and look how well that turned out.” Neither Carl nor any of the remaining ponies had any response to that, though a timid male voice from the crowd did decide to pipe up, “If… uh… if you’ll follow me right this way, I’ll be glad to lead you right into tomorrow land, where the future is… uh… already here.” The group walking through The Happiest Place on Earth was perhaps the oddest and most awkward that the park had ever known in over 60 years of operation. A white unicorn, a purple alicorn princess, a yellow Pegasus, and a orange “cowgirl” pony were slowly making their way across the park, looking infinitely more at home there than the nine humans walking with them. Six of those humans, dressed in black suits and sunglasses, maintained a safe perimeter around the group. When the request to stop here had first been granted, it was on the condition that six (visible) guards follow them at all times. As it turned out, that particular concession was far less about safety than practicality. At that very minute, three of them were busy turning away small children who wanted to pet or ride the ponies, a scene that had played out and repeated ad nauseam for the past two hours or so. The seventh individual was an overworked gorilla of a bodyguard named Carl Rogers, a seven-foot tall behemoth whose façade of unflappable calm was slowly cracking under Mike’s scrutiny. Dull brown eyes scanned the crowd over the heads of most patrons as a giant hand scratched through sweat-slicked black hair. The eighth human was a slight, mousy man names James Wright, the “Master of Hospitality” for the entire park and the man who took time to lead tours whenever large moguls, foreign leaders, and similar people of importance came to visit. Clearly, none of those tours had ever started with an explanation of who “Disney” and “Mickey Mouse” were. Finally, there was Mike Rosenthal, a short and squat individual with a thinning head of brown hair. Mike did his best to keep Carl’s blind spots covered, muttering what sounded like an endless stream of angry grumbles. To the woman he spoke to, however, his words were incredibly clear. “Kelly… why am I not hearing any updates? Over.” “None to give,” responded the outfield coordinator, “We’ve spread the word, we’re coordinating with Disney security and we’ve got eyes on the cameras. Workers at each exit know to examine any large bags, containers, and stuffed animals. I can’t tell you where they’ve gone, just that they’re still in the park. Over” “Figure it out,” Mike grumbled, “Soon! Over and out” Mike sometimes described himself as a man with plenty of “New York Patience”. Alas, zero times a million still amounted to zero. A refined voice caught Mike’s attention, bringing him back to the group he was traveling with, “Ummm… Pardon me Mister… Michael, was it?” “Is something wrong, Rarity?” Mike asked, his question both professional and curt. Mike wasn’t the one they paid to deal with clients directly, though he could handle respectful civilians… at least in small doses. “While I appreciate learning about human entertainment… and while the aesthetics of park are simply extravagant… I couldn’t help but wonder…” “We’re wonderin’ if there’s any rides nearby,” Applejack interrupted, earning a look of annoyance from Rarity. “Something fun” added Twilight Sparkle. “And *gulp* fast” squeaked Fluttershy. “How about Space Mountain?” asked James. When the ponied turned to face him, James continued, “It’s a high-speed flight through the starlit reaches of outer space!” The ponies looked amongst themselves for a moment or two, exchanging only a series of knowing gazes and small nods before Twilight spoke up once more, “Yeah, that sounds perfect. Could we head over there, Mike?” “Sure… why not?” Mike relented. Mike didn’t notice the determined looks on the faces of the ponies… or listen to or the conversation going on between them and their bodyguard… or recognize the confused looks that the other guards were giving him. There was a lot that Mike was missing, deep in thought as he was. Since the dawn of warfare itself, there had always been a risks involved with sending tacticians into the thick of battle. When someone was accustomed to watching the field with a broader view, they’d often waste energy recreating that view from the front lines. Even as he ran routine security checks, Mike sacrificed alertness to think over what might’ve gone wrong, to plan out his next moves, and, above all, to ask himself what part of that mess he hated the most. There was the fact that these ponies had made a fool of Aegis. That was one obvious facet to hate, especially after what happened at the benefit dinner. If these ponies were anyone else, Aegis would have retracted its protection over breach of contract. With such high-priority clients, however, cutting off the contract would likely cost him his job… not to mention the others assigned to the project. There was also the fact that they shouldn’t have even been there at all. If everyone had followed the itinerary, they’d have already been on the road. Instead, however, someone had let slip to the Element of Laughter that “the happiest place on earth” was sitting down in Anaheim and she had begged, literally begged, nonstop, for forty-eight hours. One brief moment of compassion later… this. In the end, though, what Mike really hated was that he should have seen it all coming. Unlike Carl and Kelley, who had just seen a “greatest hits” video, Mike had taken the time to watch the entirety of the saccharine mess that was their cartoon. He knew that those two were prone to risk-seeking behavior and over-stimulation. If he had thought things through, Mike was certain that he’d never-“ “All right. We’re done here. Any other rides?” asked Twilight Sparkle. “What?” Mike barked, snapping to attention, “There’s no way that you’ve completed that ride. Heck, we just got here ten seconds ago and… why are all of you looking at me like that?” The ponies exchanged confused glances, this time including both Carl and James in whatever little hivemind they had started. “If I may be Frank,” Rarity began, “I find your insinuation that we’d busy ourselves with rides while a friend is clearly distressed to be quite insulting,” “So… now you’re concerned?” “Of course we are,” Fluttershy softly asserted, “poor Carl here has been stepping on eggshells ever since you joined us.” For one brief moment, hearing their reasoning drowned out everything in Mike’s head. The constant stream of profanity that passed for his train of thought skidded to a halt as safety, tactics, and logistics flew out the window. It was all that he could do to look up at Carl, arching an eyebrow as he asked, “Just… Carl? This Carl? Not your missing friends?” “Ah dunno what you’ve heard ‘bout us, Mister,” Applejack spoke up, “but Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie can take care of themselves. If findin’ them will help calm you down, though, that’s what we aim to do.” For reasons that Mike could only guess at, his mind rebelled against the idea of these particular clients actually helping out. Maybe he had already made peace with the idea of the group slowly killing him with ulcers. Maybe he had too much pride to accept help from the very ponies that he was supposed to be helping. Maybe, just maybe, he was afraid that those infernal ponies would show him up when he was trying to run the show. Of course, he didn’t say any of that. “Look… I don’t think all you understand precisely how impossible your friend’s disappearance truly is. Disneyland is a crowning masterpiece of crowd control. Everything from the flow of the streets to the placement of lamp posts was designed to constrain how you travel. Heck, they control what direction you travel around fountains. Hiding places are pointedly low, half of the surveillance is hidden from sight, and brightly colored ponies would be attracting attention pretty much anywhere in this park. Disney has hired experts to try walking through their park unseen and fewer than 2% succeed. If a pony managed to beat those odds, do you really think you can find her?” “There’s only one way to find out,” Twilight challenged, meeting Mike’s gaze without flinching. Mike silently fumed, shifting his gaze from the ponies to Carl to the agents and pack to the ponies, “If that’s how you want to spend you’re day…” he looked at James and held out one hand to accept something, “…a map, if you please.” “Oh… right, of course,” James muttered, reaching into his vest and taking out two maps, “Here’s one for the park next door as well. If one of your friends can fly, she might’ve hopped parks without even realizing.” Spreading the maps on the ground, Mike took a step back as the ponies looked it over, “Be on the ready, Infield,” whispered Mike into his mouthpiece, “we may have some locations to search in greater depth… over” “Well, let’s give this a good looksee and… huh, Pirate Cove, huh. Have ya’ll tried looking out there yet? Sounds like it’s right up Dash’s alley.” “Speaking of Pirates, I’m seeing another attraction with pirates over here. Either that or one of these other “mountain” rides. How many mountains mountain rides do humans really need, anyway?” “Ugh. Pirates, honestly? After that fiasco with Hoofbeard? I’m not certain where she’d go but Pinkie… that mare has always been attracted to music… are there any stages in the park?” “Maybe Pinkie is riding the teacups… it seems a little unusual… you know… because they’re not supposed to be so… big.” “Roger Rabbit and Indiana Jones,” Carl guessed with a shrug, not even bothering to look down as he continued scanning the crowd. “Um… What are-“ “Those are my best guesses. Trust me, they fit.” When the group was finished, listing ideas and theories seventeen locations had been singled out as the most probable spots in the park for the two missing ponies to go missing. Not content to simply wait for the search results, the ponies insisted on joining in the search and James’ influence allowed “backstage” access to a number of rides and attractions. In the end, though, the two missing ponies remained elusive. Mike was too tired to feel properly angry, however, having been forced to run back and forth across the park just to keep up with the cantering equines. Thankfully, Mike was far from the only human who was short of breath. “…I don’t get it,” Twilight mused, pacing back and forth as the rest of the group rested, “We searched every spot in the park where they would go. Unless they’re avoiding us or are searching for us in the same way…” Rarity, busy resting on a nearby bench, turned to face James, “Is this really the entire park? There aren’t any hidden rides they could sneak on, right?” James tilted his head in thought, “Technically, there are tons of hidden areas in the park. Medical centers, cafeterias, a jail, a bank, personnel tunnels… The bright streets around you basically hide a small town. There’s no rides or attractions back there, though. Nothing to draw attention.” The group thought on that for a couple of moments until Applejack spoke up, “Wait just an apple-bucking moment… are you saying that yer tunnels and the like are off-limits? …that ya’ll got a maze of secret passages to explore or somethin’?” This time, even Mike was able to join their little pony hivemind. Even if he hadn’t come up with the idea, he couldn’t deny that it was… nice… to be on the same page.’ “Kelly…” He muttered, “Is it possible that our missing ponies have gone backstage? Over.” “…I’ll admit that there are fewer cameras there,” responded Kelly, “and that checking them wasn’t our first priority. Now that we’ve got eyes in place, though… If they’re hiding in a blind spot, they haven’t moved in hours. Over.” Mike frowned at this news as he turned to the ponies, “If your friends are hiding back there, the two of them have been stationary. From what I know, that doesn’t match their normal MO...” “…Unless they really are in trouble,” Fluttershy finished, shuddering at the very thought drawing concerned gazes from the others. “It’s completely possible that they’re not back there,” Carl reassured, stooping down to face Fluttershy, “but I might feel more comfortable if we checked it out. How about you girls?” Remarkably, the consolation of the giant ape seemed to calm the timid one down, an observation that Mike squirreled away for later. “Okay then,” Mike grunted, turning to James, “Please lead the way” As it turned out, the group wasn’t far from the nearest entrance to the tunnels, though that was probably the case nearly anywhere in the park. The tunnels, while sufficiently lit, were about as interesting as James had described. As they walked on, Mike motioned for Carl to join him near the back of the group. “What was that?” Mike whispered. “What was what?” Carl asked, not looking down Mike. “Don’t play dumb. When did you get so buddy-buddy with the clients?” “Daily sixteen hour shifts will do that,” came Carl’s simple response. There was more to it than that. Mike could feel it deep in his bones. “Just make sure not to compromise your effectiveness. You wouldn’t want a repeat of-“ “Don’t! I’m maintain “baseline vigilance” when I talk. You, however, missed a conversation about searching through the park that was going on two feet away.” Mike bit back a vicious retort, grudgingly admitting (at least to himself) that he had missed task-relevant info. Giving a simple grunt, Mike moved ahead to join James as Carl rejoined the ponies. After winding through the park to a few particular destinations of interest, including a small cinema and the gigantic Company D, the group started searching through tunnels methodically as other cast members and agents joined in. At long last, however, one of the ponies claimed that they heard something, running and galloping towards whatever they had heard, the hoarse voice of Rainbow Dash called out, “heee-eeeelp”. The voice appeared to be coming from… “Costumes?” James asked, utterly bewildered. Turning the final corner, the group beheld a site that would stay with them for years. Amidst the racks of costumes, two of the giant heads had fallen to the floor. A poofy pink tail was emerging from the head of Minnie Mouse even as another cry for help echoed from a Stitch head. Turning the heads over, Applejack and Fluttershy revealed the sleeping form of Pinkie Pie and the scrunched up form of Rainbow Dash. “Uh… hey girls,” Rainbow Dash started, her voice either delirious or trying to sound casual, “I don’t supposes any of you have any *gulp* water on hoof, do ya?” “Found them,” Mike announced to his agents, allowing himself a small grin, “Over and out.” The rest of the day, all things considered, went pretty well. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were extracted from the heads (which they had entered on bets from one another) and had been rushed to the nearest medical center to be treated for minor heat stroke and dehydration (both of which were common afflictions among the main cast). As fireworks went off in the nighttime sky overhead, everypony sat by the beds of their friends as they sipped some sports drink filled with electrolytes. When the time came to leave, the ponies had yet to board a single ride or attend a single attraction. In Mike’s humble opinion, the day was a total waste of everyone’s time. Even so, the ponies didn’t seem to disappointed when they boarded the van. If anything, they seemed happy. “I’m sorry that you couldn’t enjoy your day at the park,” Mike probed, carefully gauging the responses of the equines. The statement, it seemed, had caught them completely off-guard. “Aw shoot, Sugarcube, Ah’m glad you’d worry ‘bout us havin’ fun, though Ah think we had one rip-roarin’ adventure of our own.” “I’ll say we did,” insisted the Princess, “Everypony’s been to an amusement park or two but how many can say that they’ve gone behind the scenes?” “I was honestly looking forward to pon- people-watching” Fluttershy corrected herself, “and I got to see so many happy human children.” “Sooo… you’re not disappointed?” “I wouldn’t say so,” Rarity shrugged, looking out the far window, “While a day at the park might’ve been nice, it honestly looks like a knock-off of Whinny World… if you don’t mind me saying.” Rainbow Dash, resting in the back with Pinkie Pie, lazily opened one eye and shifted her head to face Mike, “Was cool while it lasted,” she simply stated, a motion seconded by the small smile on the sleeping face of her friend. “Huh,” remarked Mike, “Have a… good evening, then,” Closing the door, Mike turned around to face a confused Carl, “Your sweater-loving butt is riding up front with me, Rogers. We have something to talk about.” Carl watched, more than a little befuddled, as the assigned driver was instructed to join the ponies in back and Mike took her spot. In the end, however, he climbed into the passenger seat. “So… you’re in the mood to crack jokes again, huh? Nice to have the jolly Mike back, I guess.” Huh… Jolly? Was Mike ever really jolly? He was certainly pleased that the problem had been resolved… he even felt relaxed and back in command… speaking of which… “Bravo and Echo teams, fall into escort formation. Mike the Jolly says that we’re heading out. Over.” Mike started the car, driving out of Disneyland and onto the streets of Anaheim in silence. “What did you want to talk about, Mike?” Carl finally asked. “I just wanted to tell you what I learned from this whole fiasco, what I would have missed if I had watched from afar as always.” “So… what, you finally realized that those ponies can help us if we actually work together? I mean, between the fundraiser and today…” “What, are you crazy?” Mike exclaimed, “That’s what you got from this whole mess? The blue and pink ponies were a bit messed up, granted, but they were hardly in critical condition. Our organized search would have found them in time, whether or not the pony brigade joined in.” “…so what did you observe?” “After watching how you interacted with those ponies,” Mike started, “I think that I have a new assignment for you. I would… I would like you to befriend those ponies, to become their best ‘human buddy’ and show them how ‘nice’ and ‘pleasant’ we can be.” Carl froze for several seconds, staring at Mike as though he had grown a second head, “…Are you being serious? I honestly can’t tell, this time.” “Of course I’m serious,” Mike retorted, “My hands are going to be pretty full for the next two months… minus a day, now… handling the logistics and security required to get us through their stupid itinerary and to the UN on time. “Today, I noticed that you seem to get these ponies. They listen to you… they respond to your encouragement…” the smile on Mikes face took a sinister turn, “…and most importantly, they appear to care about your well-being and peace of mind…” “…welcome to Operation Whipping-Boy”