“What? What do you mean ‘what’?” asked Chrysalis.
Sunset looked at herself. “Well, for starters, I look ridiculous. Seriously, the whole holes in legs things might work when you’re completely black, but I’m the same color as I was before. The weird-looking horn and holes and the wings don’t really work well when I’m orange.”
“That’s racist,” said Chrysalis.
Sunset had to exercise great restraint with her next comment. “The point is, if I was undergoing some kind of ascension, I was kind of hoping it would be something like an alicorn, not a changeling.”
“Pretty sure that’s racist, too,” said Chrysalis.
Life is pain, thought Sunset to herself.
“I don’t even see what you’re complaining about,” continued Chrysalis. “What do alicorns get that changelings don’t get anyway? You get the wings, you get the horn, and you get the ability to shapeshift! What more do you want?”
“I guess shapeshifting is nice,” muttered Sunset.
“Well, if you have the express written permission of the one you’re mimicking,” added Chrysalis. “There’s a lot of paperwork to fill out.”
“Wait, what?”
“Yeah, had to make a law about that due to complaints. You know, you’d think in an absolute monarchy, there’d be less red tape for rulers.”
“So why’d I turn into a changeling if Cadance got turned into an alicorn?” asked Sunset.
“Well,” said Chrysalis, “it just affixes the race of whoever happens to be ruler of Equestria to you. So it’s changeling for you.”
“But… Sombra isn’t an alicorn. How did Cadance turn into one, then?”
“Oh, she technically didn’t. She just got unicorn added to her, so she looks like an alicorn, but lacks what Earth ponies have… whatever that is. You’re technically not really a full changeling, but a changeling-unicorn hybrid, hence why you look different than a regular changeling when in changeling form.”
“Ugh,” said Sunset. “Is there some way to reverse this? I look ridiculous, and I don’t want to have to deal with that whole stupid ‘feeding on love’ thing.”
Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “Look, if you have such a problem with it, head over to the Crystal Empire. Maybe they know some way to change it.”
“You really think so?”
“Actually, I don’t have the faintest clue, but their bad experience with changelings and their knowledge of actual alicorn ascensions with Cadance makes them the closest thing to experts on the subject, plus it’d mean I wouldn’t have to deal with your whining for a while.”
Wait, she’s complaining about dealing with me? Really? thought Sunset to herself. “Fine. So how do I transform back into my previous form?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” said Chrysalis. “You just have to concentrate on it, and it happens. However, there’s a bunch of paper work they have to fill out.”
“Why?” asked Sunset.
“Weren’t you paying attention? I said you had to fill out a lot of paperwork to be able to transform into someone. So to transform into yourself, you have to fill out all that paperwork. So you’ll have to do that before you go on your trip, at least if you’re so determined to look like your ‘normal’ self when doing so.”
A significant amount of paperwork later…
Sunset’s eyes were blurry as she signed the last page. “There. Is that everything?”
The clerk looked through the various pages. “Looks like it’s all done! Congratulations, Sunset Shimmer! You now have the right to transform into Sunset Shimmer! Note that this approval only lasts for a year and must be renewed at that time.”
Sunset transformed back into her normal unicorn form. “Finally. Now I can actually go to the Crystal Empire.”
An extremely convoluted trip later…
“Well, that was an almost complete waste of time,” muttered Sunset as she and Trixie got off the train. “Not only did I not accomplish anything I wanted to on that trip, I also had to go through the stress of visiting an alternate universe.”
“Yes, you think it was an almost complete waste of time,” said Trixie flatly. “Just like the last ten times you mentioned that on the way here. You know, I’m starting to think you only brought me along to the Crystal Empire because you wanted somepony to complain to.”
“Trixie, I told you that was the only reason I brought you along!”
“Which is why I’m starting to think that,” said Trixie.
“You’re just screwing with me, aren’t you?” asked Sunset.
“Probably,” said Trixie.
“I get enough of that from Chrysalis! Please don’t you start!” Sunset groaned. “The last few days have been exhausting. I’m just going to head home and relax and try to find some peace of mind.”
Sunset found herself woken up by a knock on the door. “Okay,” she said to herself, “I know what’s going to happen. I’m going to open that door, and then I’m going to be confronted by an annoying problem or pony I’ll have to deal with. I’m going to ignore it.” She pulled the cover over her head to try to dull out the knocking. However, the knocking kept going on, leaving her unable to get back to sleep.
“Screw it,” she said as the tossed away the sheet. “I know it’ll be something stupid and annoying, but it’s clearly not going to leave me alone.” She went up to the door and opened it.
“Hi, Sunset!” declared Suri, who was on the other side of the door. “Got something important to tell you.”
“What, is it some kind of special sale you’re having?”
“No, but I am having a great sale on clothes! There’s some great discounts on–”
“I don’t care!” said Sunset. “Just tell me what was so important you kept knocking on my door!”
“Are you sure you don’t want to hear about my great sales?”
“Suri, I have not been having a good last few days, so if you would get to the point it would be appreciated!”
“Fine, fine,” muttered Suri. “Ponyville’s getting attacked by evil vines, and they’re causing all sorts of mayhem.” A vine knocked straight into Sunset’s house as Suri said this.
“And you don’t think this was important enough that you should have mentioned it right away without wasting time on the whole clothes sale thing?”
“Not really,” said Suri.
Sunset gritted her teeth but chose not to continue with that part of the conversation. “Okay, so what do you want me to do about it?”
“Uh, figure out a way to solve the problem?”
“Why should I have to do everything? I’m not going to go through that whole stupid Nightmare Moon thing again, struggle through a problem just to find out they already had a way to solve it. We should just contact Canterlot and have them figure it out!”
Sunset went back into her now-somewhat-destroyed house and pulled out a journal. “Dear Canterlot, we have a bunch of vines that are attacking. Can you send somepony to deal with it?”
“Is there any particular reason you’re speaking out loud to yourself when you write?” asked Suri.
“No,” said Sunset. “Now we just wait for a response.”
Just then, some words started appearing on the journal.
Well, I’d love to help you, but we’re too busy hanging around.
Get it? Vines? Hanging around? Ah, I crack myself up sometimes. But you’re on your own due to those vines attacking Canterlot. Besides, didn’t we leave the Elements of Irony in Ponvyille anyway after that whole Crystal Empire thing? Just use those.
But wow, that hanging around thing was gold, I’m telling you. Or at least silver. Certainly no worse than bronze.
-Chrysalis
“Naturally,” muttered Sunset to herself. “Fine. Gather up the other idiots we know, grab the Elements of Irony, then let’s just go into the Everfree Forest and zap whatever is causing the problems. Maybe for once, just once, we’ll not only get to use them, but they’ll also do something.”
“And if it doesn’t work?” asked Suri.
“Then we’ll just go to the griffon lands or something.”
“Isn’t Gilda banished? How could she go?”
“Not my problem!” declared Sunset. “Now let’s just find those guys before these vines get any more troublesome.”
“All right,” said Sunset as they stood on the edge of Ponyville, “everypony has their Elements? Nopony has to go to the bathroom?”
“I still have doubts about this plan,” said Gilda. “Do we even know what we’re supposed to target with the Elements?”
A fingersnap was heard. “Hi everypony!” declared Discord as he appeared. “I bet you’re all thrilled to see me!”
“Uh, not really,” said Gilda.
“Oh, relax,” said Discord, “I’m not here to take over Equestria or anything and plunge it completely into chaos. I realized that if everything is chaotic, then ultimately nothing is chaotic and it all becomes boring. So I’m just going to be around to cause a little bit of chaos rather than a whole lot.”
“Good for you,” said Gilda. “But we’ve sort of got our own problem right now.”
A vine hit Discord in the face. “Hey!” he said. “Do you know who I am?” The vine responded by hitting him again in the face. “Okay, that’s it!” Discord started punching the vine, which managed to make it go away. “Ugh,” he said. “If I had known what a pain these things would be, I wouldn’t have planted those seeds so long ago.”
“You did this?” asked Sunset. “Give me a good reason why we shouldn’t just zap you with the Elements right now, particularly considering we have them with us.”
Discord pulled a potion out of nowhere. “Because I have this special potion that will let you know how to handle this problem! Or at least that’s what the guy who sold it to me said. He did seem a little shifty.”
“I’m not going to drink something you offered me! It could be some kind of poison!”
“Oh, fine,” said Discord. “I’ll try it.” Discord drank some of the potions. His eyes suddenly widened. “Oh… wow,” he said. “Now I can see sound.” He stared at his hands. “My fingers can touch anything but themselves. Is this going to be forever?” Then he fell over and collapsed.
Flim went over and sniffed the potion. “I think this is actually super-potent alcohol called Superclear. From what I’ve heard about it, it packs the power of 100 regular bottles of vodka in one sip.”
Discord suddenly pointed upward and then got up. “I saw it! A vision showed what was going on!”
“You mean a hallucination from getting drunk?” asked Sunset. “Come to think of it, you seem awfully sober.”
“Oh, please, I can handle alcohol,” said Discord. “Anyway, now I know what you have to do!”
There was a pause.
“And… what is that?” Suri finally asked.
“Oh, just because I know doesn’t mean I’ll tell you,” said Discord. “That would be boring. Figure it out yourself!” He snapped his fingers and disappeared.
“So… we going to just ignore him for now?” asked Flam.
“Yes,” said Sunset, “let’s. Now let’s just see if we can figure out where these stupid vines are coming from.”
“Again, how do you plan to figure that out?” asked Gilda. “There’s a lot of vines. It’ll be hard to figure out exactly where they’re from.”
“I was getting to that,” said Sunset. “First, we’ll test the Elements out on the vines. If that works, they can probably take care of the root of the problem.”
Trixie fell over laughing. “Root of the matter! And it’s vines! Oh, that’s a good one!”
“Huh?” asked Sunset.
Trixie stopped laughing and got up. “Darn it, even when you do say something funny, it’s by accident.”
“Anyway,” said Sunset with a trace of patience in her voice (the rest of her voice was simply frustration, so there was only a trace of patience left), “let’s see if they work on the vines.”
“Wait!” said Trixie. “Let me try something!” Trixie went up to the vines. “Now, listen, vine, I know you may have had a bad day. But I’m going to be your friend! I’ll be really nice to you! For example, I’ve got a great gift–” Trixie was interrupted by the vine smacking her backwards. “Okay,” she said, “this can’t be defeated in the same way as the Pottsylvania Creeper.”
“The what?” asked Sunset.
“Don’t ask!” said Trixie. “Okay, try the Elements now.”
And so the group aimed their Elements at the vines and fired. The vines then disintegrated.
“Finally, these stupid things actually did something,” muttered Sunset. “So let’s just try to follow them back to their source.”
The group continued into the Everfree Forest, continually zapping the vines with the Elements of Irony. However, after a while, the Elements stopped working.
“Wait, what happened?” asked Sunset.
“Did they run out of batteries?” wondered Flam.
“The Elements of Irony don’t have batteries!” shouted Sunset.
“Oh, they’re solar powered, then,” said Flam. “At any rate, they seem to be out of power for now.”
Suri pointed a hoof at an important-looking tree that was covered in the vines. “Maybe we’re done anyway. This seems to be where the vines are coming from. All we have to do is blast it… but the Elements are out of power now. Hrm.”
“Well… maybe we can still use them somehow,” said Gilda. “Do you want to try throwing them at the tree?”
“That sounds incredibly stupid,” said Sunset.
“So,” said Gilda after a pause, “do you want to try throwing them at the tree?”
“Sure, why not?” asked Sunset. “I always thought this crown looked kind of tacky anyway.”
Sunset threw the Element at the tree. Or rather, she threw it at a weird sort of indentation on the tree that the Element coincidentally seemed to fit well. This resulted in it glowing and attaching itself to the tree. Seeing this, the others shrugged and threw their Elements at it also, and they all ended up on different indentations on the tree. This made all of the remaining vines disintegrate and the tree look healthier.
“You know, this is a really weird-looking tree,” commented Flam. “Well, I’m sure it’ll sell for a great price after it’s cut down.”
“No!” declared a voice as a large white alicorn faded into view. “I am Celestia! I speak for the trees! Because the… um… darn it, what’s a good rhyme for trees?”
“Celestia?!” asked Sunset. “What are you doing here? I thought you got arrested after you were defeated and imprisoned?”
“Oh, that?” asked Celestia. “No, I got rehabilitated. But my previous job is filled, and I’ve been having trouble finding a new one. My skillset seems surprisingly poor for the current job market, anypony I could use as a reference isn’t available anymore, and I’ve technically got a criminal record.”
“Didn’t Luna get a job at the castle despite having those same strikes against her?” asked Trixie. “As an advisor or something? I can’t remember the exact title.”
“Apparently it involved some kind of misunderstanding with Sombra’s charades,” said Celestia. “At any rate, I had to take this job as the speaker of the trees until I find something better, because there was a vacancy due to the previous person in this position quitting after getting a cushy offer from a logging company. Anyway, I’m supposed to stop anypony from chopping down trees and plants while speaking in rhyme. So… uh… I speak for the trees, because the trees can’t talk through their bees.” She frowned. “No, the meter is off on that one.”
“Well, as ‘speaker of the trees,’ do you happen to know what’s special about that tree?” asked Gilda.
“This is the Tree of… something. It ended with a Y. It’s where the Elements came from.”
“Well, they’re the Elements of Irony, so… the Tree of Irony?” guessed Sunset.
“Probably,” said Celestia.
“You don’t know?”
“I’ve lived a really long time, and I kind of went a little crazy during that lengthy time I was in exile–”
“A little crazy?” asked Suri.
Celestia ignored her. “So my memory is a bit fuzzy on a few things. However, the tree is the source of the Elements’ power. Apparently it was weakened by all of those vines, but you restoring its power by returning the Elements to it made it go back to normal.”
Just then, a flower sprouted on the tree a big box with six locks on it fell out. “Huh, what’s that?” wondered Trixie.
“I’m pretty sure it’s a box,” said Gilda. She went over and tried to open it. “Nope; won’t open. Looks like we need to find the keys.”
“Oh boy!” said Lightning Dust excitedly. “I bet we’ll get to go on an epic quest to find them, right?”
“Do you even know where to start?” asked Suri.
“No… I guess not,” said a deflated Lightning Dust.
“I know what to do!” said Flam. “We’ll charge people for the right to open it up, and if they succeed, they can take whatever’s inside! I bet we’d make a ton!”
“Don’t you think that, considering this emerged from the tree that the Elements originated from, perhaps this box might be something really important and thus not to be handled lightly?” asked Celestia
“Fine,” said Sunset, “I’ll hold onto the thing in case we stumble upon a bunch of keys. Can we go now?”
The group returned to Ponyville. “Well, there’s one good thing about this,” said Sunset. “At least now that the Elements are gone, our odds of getting forced to go on dumb adventures in order to use them against some enemy have dropped.”
“What about the possibility that the lack of the Elements could mean some new enemy that requires the Elements to be defeated would therefore be unbeatable and take over the world?” asked Lightning Dust. She paused. “That was a bit awkwardly phrased.”
“Screw the world! What has it done for me lately?” asked Sunset.
“You got changeling powers,” said Trixie.
“Wait, Sunset has what now?” asked Suri.
“Curing that stuff with the cutie marks caused her to ‘ascend’ and she got turned into a changeling,” said Trixie.
“Wait, what?” asked Suri. “That’s awesome! Why can’t that happen to me? Wings would be great. Not to mention shapeshifting power.”
“Can’t shapeshift,” said Sunset, “at least not without a whole lot of forms getting filled out. Heck, I had to fill stuff out just to be able to transform into myself. And I can’t fly without going into changeling form, and I look ridiculous like that.”
“So,” said Gilda, “you’ve received powers you either can’t or don’t want to use. What’s there to get angry about? All it really means is that nothing’s changed.”
“I’m angry because I was kinda expecting if I was going to ascend or whatever, it would be into alicorn like Cadance!”
“So, again,” said Gilda, “you’re getting angry over literally nothing because nothing actually changed. It’s not even like you worked hard and got no reward, as the whole thing happened totally by accident. I don’t see any disadvantage.”
“There’s that whole feeding on love thing. That could be a bother,” said Sunset.
“Oh yeah,” said Flim, “it suddenly occurs to me, I don’t know exactly how that works. I know there was the whole impersonation thing, but that’s not really legal anymore. How does that work?”
“I don’t know!” said Sunset. “Things have been hectic, and there hasn’t been much of an opportunity to ask about it!”
“Don’t worry!” said Trixie. “I’ll explain! Lightning Dust and I spent a month in changeling society, so we know all about them! Lightning Dust, get me a chalkboard and chalk!”
Lightning Dust took the cue to dash off. In a second or two, she returned with a chalkboard and some chalk.
“You see,” said Trixie, “that impersonation is but one way to feed on the love. Another way is to forcibly extract it, which is usually done after imprisoning the target into a cocoon and putting them to sleep. So they basically opted to do that to all of the convicted criminals, so changelings can just go over to one of the prisons to feed. It has the effect of dramatically lowering prison upkeep costs, too!”
“Wouldn’t that count as cruel and unusual punishment?” asked Flim.
“Enh,” said Trixie with a shrug.
“Why did you get a chalkboard and chalk here if you weren’t going to use it at all?” asked Sunset.
“Oh, this wasn’t for the explanation; this was for tic tac toe,” explained Trixie as she and Lightning Dust quickly played a game of it on the chalkboard. “Darn it, another tie,” said Trixie.
“Well, there you go!” said Sunset. “It’s going to be annoying to have to go and do the feeding and such that frequently!”
“Actually, if you fill up enough each time, your visits can be really infrequent,” said Lightning Dust. “So really, there’s barely anything to complain about there. Also, as only a partial changeling, I wonder if you need to do that at all.”
“So basically, the whole ascension thing was pointless, then!” complained Sunset. “See what I mean?”
“You could always get over your complexion about how ‘ridiculous’ you think you look and take advantage of the abilities,” said Flam. “It really does seem like you’re whining over nothing.”
“I agree!” said Discord, appearing after the customary finger snap was heard. “You’re just complaining for no good reason.”
“Who asked you?” asked Sunset.
“I did!” said Discord. “I ask myself lots of things. Anyway, I’m sure we’ll meet again sometime. See you later!” Discord snapped his fingers and disappeared.
“Well, anyway,” said Flim, “I think that–”
Flim found himself interrupted by Chrysalis arriving. “Hello, loyal subjects!” she declared. “I’m just here to congratulate you for getting rid of the vines!”
“How did you get here so fast?” asked Sunset.
“The stairs,” said Chrysalis.
“That doesn’t make any–”
“Anyway!” said Chrysalis. “In recognition of your heroism in defeating the vines… here’s a sandwich.” She gave a sandwich to Sunset.
“All that and all I get is a single sandwich?” asked Sunset.
“Hrm,” said Chrysalis, “fair point. You weren’t the only one who went, after all. You all get sandwiches!” She handed out a sandwich to the other six as well.
“Mmm,” said Flam, “really good sandwich. Thanks!”
“You’re okay with her giving you a sandwich for everything we just went through?” asked Sunset.
“It was a really good sandwich,” said Flam.
“Come on!” said Sunset. “We saved you from those vines! Don’t we get anything else?”
“Oh, you didn’t save me from any vines,” said Chrysalis. “I made that whole thing up because I didn’t want to have to do anything.”
“What?!” asked Sunset.
“What do you mean ‘what’? I just told you I made it up because if I were to do it for you, you wouldn’t have overcome it yourself and grown stronger as a result.”
“That’s not what you just said!”
“Semantics,” said Chrysalis. “Anyway, I’m off. See you later!”
Sunset stared after Chrysalis as she left. “How… I… she… huh?”
“Enh, just shut up and eat your sandwich,” said Gilda. “These actually are rather nice.”
Yet another finger snap was heard and Discord appeared. “I said you’d see me later, and it’s later! Hi again!”
“Why don’t you just go bug Chrysalis instead?” asked Sunset.
“Hrm… bug… Chrysalis… that’s a great pun!” said Discord. “You know what? In honor of your likely completely unintentional pun, I will! I’ll show her who’s the real troll in Equestria!” For a change of pace, he disappeared without snapping his fingers.
“Well, I guess that’s one way to… whatever the applicable expression is,” said Sunset.
Later…
“Hey!” said Chrysalis. “I already told you, no sitting on the throne!”
“But it’s so comfy,” said Discord.
Chrysalis growled menacingly.
“Oh, fine,” said Discord as he teleported himself off the chair. “Be that way.”
“Thank you!” snapped Chrysalis. She went to sit on the throne, then stopped. “Wait a minute. You did something to the throne, didn’t you?”
“What?” asked Discord. “What makes you think I would ever do that?”
“Because the last time you were sitting on the throne, you rigged it so that whoever sat on it next blew up!”
“You got better,” pointed out Discord.
“Pulling yourself together after getting blown up is not a pleasant experience! You go and sit there!”
Discord shrugged and sat on the throne. “Woohoo! I’m king of Equestria now!”
“No, you’re not!” snapped Chrysalis. “Get off and let me sit there.”
Discord obediently got off the throne. Chrysalis sat on it and promptly blew up.
“Silly Chrysalis,” said Discord as Chrysalis started reassembling herself, “I set it up so the second person to sit on the throne would get blown up. Just face it, you’ll never be able to–”
Discord found himself interrupted as the still-mostly-blown-up Chrysalis grabbed a bucket of water and threw it onto him, causing him to burst into flames. “Ahhh!” he screamed as he ran around. “Water that’s exactly 1.0471975512% sodium! My one of only six and a half weaknesses! Ahhh!" He continued running around screaming while on fire.
From outside the room, Luna looked at the blown-up Chrysalis and on-fire Discord. “Oh, just kiss already,” she muttered.