Colgate's Rants 2: The Antagonist Edition

by StormLuna


Lord Tirek

My next patient is kind of creepy, no let me rephrase that. He is incredibly creepy. When he came he was in this robe and I couldn't see his face. Not only did this piss me off, it made me feel a little bit nervous. While I have served other villains, I realized that this one had to be the worst of the worst. Now I have only seen Tirek in his huge, muscular form. I have never seen him in his scrawny form. I asked, "So what happened, Cerberus leave his post again?"

He simply grunted and I figured whatever. I asked him how he was going to pay and he mumbled something I could not understand. I knew about his powers so I just took him back. In the event that he suddenly got strong enough he could steal magic again I wrapped him in enchanted chains.

Well I looked into his mouth and my first thought was, what the hell could have caused his teeth to get this bad? What the hell could he have eaten in Tartarus to cause him to have five cavities. Well I glared at him and said, "Tirek, you have five cavities. What in the hell have you been eating in Tartarus."

He finally decided to speak. In a raspy voice he replied, "Why should I tell a weak minded equine?"

Weak minded equine? Weak minded equine? Oh boy, this really pissed me off. That pissed me off far more than Sunset did when she called me Minuette. For a brief moment I forgot who I was dealing with and began to beat him savagely. I beat him so badly that I knocked over half of his teeth out. "Oh shit!" I thought to myself. Suddenly I realized that when he gets enough strength to steal magic I would likely be his first target BUT no way in hell am I apologizing to some dumb fuck centaur. Us equines are the superior species after all!

Well I began to work on him and luckily for both me and him, I was able to get his teeth put back in and got those cavities filled. Before unchaining him though, I began to wonder if perhaps there was a way I could actually disable his ability to steal magic. I remembered about what he did when he stole magic, a ball of energy formed between his horns. "A-Ha!" I thought, "I'll just rip those horns out for payment."

I said to him, "Tirek, given that you have no way to pay me, you MUST compensate me in one way or another."

I a snide tone he said, "I don't have to do anything, I am Tirek!"

Now while I thought at first that ripping his horns off with a pair of pliers would be good, I realized that I must remove the entirety of both horns, so I gave him a sedative and decided to see how good of a surgeon I was. Well I got to work and when I had cut into his skull I saw nerves running from his brain into his horn. I realized this was my chance so I grabbed those nerves and the horn with my aura and ripped them out. Despite being unconscious he went into convulsions. I couldn't help but laugh, "Weak minded equines Tirek? How about "Pathetic dumb fuck centaurs!"

Well I got to work on the other horn because I figured that he might be able to still steal magic even with just one horn. While I was getting ready to rip the other out, I accidentally tripped forward and rammed my horn into his brain. He again went into convulsions, only this time he let out one final sigh. I checked to see if he was breathing but he wasn't. I felt for a pulse but he had none. I thought to myself, "Did I kill him?"

I became giddy when I realized that I did indeed kill him but I wasn't going to take any chances so I cut him open and removed his heart. There I stood, covered in blood when I saw Celestia walking down the street with Cerberus. I thought to myself, "Oh boy, Cerberus must be in trouble! I bet Celestia's taking him to the vet!"

While I know murder is illegal in Equestria, I realized that this could be a golden opportunity for me. I took Tirek's corpse along with his heart and raced after Celestia. When I caught her she saw me covered in blood. She got a mortified look on her face and asked, "Colgate, why in Equestria are you covered in blood?"

I proudly held up Tirek's corpse along with his heart and proudly stated, "I am covered in the blood of the worst villain ponykind has ever known. Never again will we have to worry about him stealing magic."

She was stunned. She asked, "What? How in Equestria did you do that?"

I proudly replied, "Well the bastard came in to see me but he had no way of paying me so I had to be compensated one way or another. With others it would have been forced labor or being sued but Tirek here was a special case, his life was all that would suffice."

Celestia smiled and said, "Well Colgate, you have done Equestria well. You have saved us from any further attacks from the worst villain of all time." She gave me a huge grin and asked, "Colgate, what would you think about becoming an Alicorn princess?"

Well I gladly accepted but under the conditions that I can stay in Ponyville and keep my practice. Nopony ever said she had to know about the sirens I am keeping under my hoof, especially Sonata given how much she keeps me happy. Luckily she let me keep my practice and stay in Ponyville so now Ponyville has a second princess, a much smarter princess, a much more down to earth princess and most important of all, a princess who actually works for a living!

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Well Celestia transformed me and then held the coronation ceremony. Unlike Twilight's, it was a smaller, more simple ceremony here in Ponyville. After all, I'm not a wasteful bitch who has to have a fancy coronation. Holding those things ain't cheap after all and given that I have paid taxes into the system most of my life, I didn't think other ponies should have to pay for some fancy celebration.

I stood there in front of an adoring crowd and my focus immediately shifted to Twilight. I thought to myself, "She may be a princess like me but I'm still her queen! Because of her crime of thinking that I would ever accept TiaCare, she will be my little bitch forever and there ain't a thing Tia can do about it!"