Still in the hallway, Wits End was breathing deeply, holding his breath for a few seconds each time. “Just need to plan,” he was muttering between breaths. “A couple of minutes. Just need to get on top of this. Always another option.”
Fluttershy’s worry worsened. While the mint-colored unicorn wasn’t overtly panicking now, he seemed to be locked in his own little world; only following behind the pegasus mare as if on autopilot. “Mister End?” she asked gently. “Can you tell me what happened?” She got no response. just more muttering. “Mister End?”
“Hmm?” Wits End’s eyes flicked up for a moment before settling back on the ground in front of him.
“Can you at least tell me what happened?”
Wits made a noncommittal noise, eyes darting about the hallway. They focused on an older pony in simple clothes, a mop and bucket slung over his shoulders as he stepped out of a small, unassuming room. “Can’t talk out here,” he said quickly, moving past Fluttershy to catch the door before it closed. “In there. Come on.”
“Oh… O-okay.” Fluttershy hurried to look inside: a cramped broom closet with a single small, barred window for light. “Couldn’t we find somewhere more comfortable to- Eep!” She stumbled as Wits gave her a small nudge through the doorway, closing the door behind him.
“Sorry about that,” Wits End said, pushing a broom handle away from his face. “Couldn’t talk out there. The possibility of somepony listening in was too dangerous.”
“Can you tell me what happened now?”
“Let me explain. No, that’ll take too long. Let me sum up.” Wits took a deep breath. “Holdfast has himself set up to claim the throne when King Bastion steps down or dies. Amber Glitter showing up threw a monkey wrench in that plan, and he wants that wrench unthrown. He latched on to me because he had something he could offer me, but when I said ‘nope’ he switched over to threatening you guys. So now if I don’t get Amber out of the succession, he’s gonna go after one of you.”
Fluttershy’s jaw hung slack. “Oh my.”
“No kidding.”
“What do we do?”
Wits shook his head. “Well, there’s two obvious options. We can run away very fast, like I suggested before.” He paused with a frown. “Which, now that I think about it, almost no-pony in the party would go along with. Okay, one obvious option: I do what Holdfast said and...”
“You can’t do that!” Fluttershy covered her mouth, her exclamation echoing in the inclosed space. “You can’t!” she repeated in a hushed voice.
“Of course not,” Wits End said in a matter-of-fact tone. “I’m not ruining some-pony’s life just because some high and mighty ponce thinks he’s got me figured out.” He bit the back of his forehoof, chewing on his fetlocks as he thought. “There’s always more options. You and me just need to figure out one that works.”
Fluttershy blushed. “B-but wouldn’t it be better to ask Twilight to help?”
“Absolutely not!” Wits leaned in, glancing at the closed door. “Look, if Purple Heart or Rainbow Dash learns about this, they’ll go straight to beating up Holdfast and endanger the rest of the party. Twilight and AJ might play along, but they’d give it away by being too specific in their denial. As for Patchy and Pinkie…” He thought for a moment. “Well, I have no idea what they’d do, but given their track records they might just outright tell Holdfast what’s going on.”
“But-”
“Fluttershy.” Wits End looked right at the pegasus. “I don’t like it any more than you do, but right now the way to keep our friends safe is to do this ourselves. I’m already up to my ears in this, and you…” He sighed. “No offense, but I don’t think any-pony will be able to tell if you’re hiding something.”
“Oh. Um, none taken. But what about Rarity?”
Wits raise an eyebrow. “Would you tell the queen of over-dramatic acting what’s going on in this situation?”
Fluttershy thought for a moment. “Good point.”
“Then we’re on the same page. Now we just need a plan.” Wits sighed. “This might take a while.”
“Um… I might have an idea.”
Wits raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Really?”
Fluttershy averted her gaze. “Back in Ponyville, I had to help Rarity with this tomcat that kept attacking Opal.”
Wits blinked. “Amber’s maid?”
“Rarity’s cat, Opalescence.”
“Ah, okay. Continue.”
Fluttershy nodded. “It turned out that the tomcat thought Opal was standing in the way of his food. When we got rid of the food, he moved on.”
Wits End thought for a moment before his eyes lit up. “So you’re saying we get rid of the throne..”
A small smile crossed Fluttershy’s face. “And the chancellor won’t have any reason to blackmail you over it.”
Wits’ face broke into a grin. “You are one devious pony. I like it.”
Fluttershy blushed. “Um, thank you. But I don’t know how to make it work.”
“I’ve got that part. The first thing we need is-” The closet door swinging open interrupted Wits End’s speech.
“Hey Fluttershy, we’ve-” The grey pegasus froze as he realized that not only was Fluttershy not alone, but that it was Wits End in the closet with her. His mouth remained frozen open for a few seconds before he turned to face his pinto patterned friend. “I’m waiting,” he said, sitting down in the open door frame.
The faces of both the mint-colored unicorn and the pegasus mare blushed bright red. “It’s not what-” Fluttershy started.
“It’s definitely not,” Wits End cut in. “I got lost.”
“I helped,” Fluttershy added quickly.
“You two are making this too easy for me,” Light Patch muttered, rubbing a hoof on his muzzle. “Just be glad Pinkie or Rainbow aren’t here,” the stallion said aloud to the two. “Look we need to gather up again. Purple Heart screwed up.”
Wits End blinked; mentally, there was a strict-looking pony tossing a pile of papers with a quickly assembled excuse into the air. “Already? How?”
“He allegedly insulted somepony and then got himself arrested,” Light Patch elaborated before glancing to his side. “And there goes any hope of you two living this down.” The stallion watched the rest of the group join them.
Wits pushed past Light Patch to get into the hallway just in time as the other mares arrived, meeting with assorted grins, glares and giggles. “What?” he said defensively. “Just a guy coming out of the closet.” He froze as he realized what words had just come out of his mouth. “There’s no way to take that back, is there...”
The trio moved quickly over to join up the larger group, Fluttershy trying to ignore the troublesome grins Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie wore after having watched her leave the same closet Wits End had also been in. “Okay, we’re all back together, now we can go to storytime.” Light Patch said.
As if on cue, Princess Amber trotted through one of the many doorways and looked around. She sighed in relief when she noticed the growing group of ponies gathered near a closet.
“Thank goodness I found you!” she cried, galloping over to the group. “Have you all heard about Purple Heart?”
“We heard he got arrested,” Twilight said, bowing quickly to the golden unicorn. “We were just about to go check on him.”
“And mock him mercilessly,” Wits End offered. “I mean help. That’s what I meant to say.” He looked away, smacking himself in the side of the head. “Man. None of the words are working now.”
Amber shook her head, making the stray strands of hair that had escaped her bun bounce around. “You can’t. Nopony can see him until the King gives a verdict for his punishment.”
Wits End raised an eyebrow. “Punishment? What’d he do? Eat somepony’s lapdog?” Amber giggled weakly, shaking her head again.
“He apparently insulted a Lord’s daughter,” she explained. “I’m not sure what he said, I asked him if it was true. He said he didn’t mean to, but what he said could’ve been taken in an offensive way. After he admitted that, I could do nothing but have him arrested.”
“Wow,” Applejack mused. “You folks definitely take your laws seriously.” Amber nodded sadly.
“We have very strict rules of conduct here in the capital,” she admitted. “It is very possible that Purple Heart will be immediately put to death. He did insult a Lord’s daughter, even if it was accidental. Lords tend to overreact though.”
“Death?” both Twilight and Wits exclaimed in unison. The rest of the Mane Six gasped.
“What’s a lesser crime?” Twilight asked incredulously. “Sneezing without covering your mouth? Leaning against a wall?”
Wits End was holding his head with both forehooves. “But… Wait! He can’t die! He can’t get away with rolling up a new character this far in!”
“We’re not gonna have to stage a jailbreak, are we?” Light Patch asked. “I mean, I figured we’d have to at some point. We’re adventurers in a city controlled by a king who might have a few issues with us. But, I mean, this early?” Amber shrugged.
“I don’t think Bastion knows if you’re even here,” she said, “and even if he does, he doesn’t know why. I’ve been really careful around him since I got back. He didn’t seem disappointed that the bandits failed in detaining me. Nor did he seem all that angry. He actually seemed...almost welcoming.”
Twilight shook her head. “Whether he knows or not, we need to convince him that Purple Heart didn’t mean… whatever he said.” She turned to Amber Glitter. “You need to take us to King Bastion right away. The sooner we nip this in the bud, the less time anypony will have to do anything to him.” Amber shuffled her front hooves and averted her gaze.
“I can take you to him,” she said weakly, “but I don’t know if it’ll do any good.”
“Well, maybe we can convince him to let Witty and I take care of the punishment. I’m thinking I’ll hold him while Witty beats some sense into him,” Light Patch chimed in, only to yelp as Rarity struck him in the side yet again. “Okay, marshmallow. You and I need to talk about this hitting thing,” the grey pegasus said, earning another punch and a shushing from Applejack this time.
“Whether it’ll do anything or not,” Wits End said, ignoring Light Patch in favor of the golden princess, “we’ve gotta try. All you have to do is get us in to see him. We’ll take care of the rest.” Amber arched an eyebrow.
“I have the authority to let him see somepony,” she allowed, “but you’d better not try to free him. If anything goes wrong, you’ll be joining him in prison and then you won’t be able to do anything about Bastion.”
Rainbow Dash raised a hoof. “Would we get in trouble for smacking the moron in the face?” Amber giggled and shook her head.
“As long as you don’t free him,” she agreed, “smacking should be fine. I’m actually curious about what he said myself.”
“Right,” Light Patch said, tearing his glaring away from Rarity and Applejack, “In the mean time, we need to have a talk about this ‘lets all punch Light Patch’-” the grey stallion was cut off as Rarity, Applejack and Rainbow Dash quickly jabbed him. “Fine. You know what? I didn’t want to do this, but you’ve pushed my hoof. Won’t heal this,” the stallion said before poorly dancing away from the group.
Wits End watched the pegasus retreat for a few seconds before sighing and turning back to Amber Glitter. “Take us to the barbarian before something weirder happens. Please.”
* * *
A thin, emaciated pegasus watched as the purple earth pony was thrown into the cell across from him. As soon as the guards moved away, the rust-colored stallion pressed against the bars. “My, my, you’re a big one,” he purred, smiling with broken, yellowed teeth. “A Barbarian, I’d guess, right? So strong… But you can’t bend steel, can you boy?” He chuckled, falling into a coughing fit. “You can’t do anything to get out of here. And those big muscles? They’re going to waste away. When the end comes, you won’t even have the strength to cry for your mother.” The pegasus’ grin reached a manic state. “That’s right. You’re going to die in here. You hear me, Barbarian? You’re going to die in here!”
To the pegasus’ surprise, the purple pony chuckled as he rose from the dirty cell floor and dusted himself off. “Nope,” he said flatly. The old stallion frowned.
“Pardon?” he asked.
“Nope,” the younger stallion repeated. “I won’t be dying in here.” The rusty old pegasus frowned and twisted his muzzle into a sneer.
“And what makes you so sure of that, boy?” he snarled. The barbarian smiled and pointed up.
“I’ll die up there,” he said. “They’ll want to make it public.”
“How do you figure that?” The young stallion shrugged.
“I got arrested during a ball,” he replied. “That and-”
“Hey, I’m a healer. Can I hit him extra hard if I fix it afterwards?” A voice echoed down the hall a few moments before a grey pegasus walked into view of the two cells. “Enjoying the hero factory so far?”
A mint-colored unicorn stepped up behind the pegasus, a look of disappointment and disgust on his face. “What is this? A Bioware game?”
Purple Heart groaned. “Them,” he finished. “Why did they have to come down here?”
“Because, buddy,” the stallion drew out in the most annoying way he could, “Ya dun goofed.” Purple Heart rolled his eyes.
“And here comes the cavalry. Short, aren’t they?”
“I’m Wits End,” Wits said with a grin. “I’m here to rescue you. I’m here with Twi Kenobi.”
“What are you doing?” Twilight called from the prison entrance.
Wits’ smile faltered. “Whuh oh. Joke time’s over.”
Twilight bumped the unicorn out of the way to stand in front of Purple Heart. After a couple of seconds of looking the earth pony over, she looked him in the eyes. “What did you do?” The purple earth pony sighed and braced himself for the imminent rage.
“I corrected the grammatical errors spoken by some high-born lady,” he explained, “when asked ‘to who I belonged to’. Being the grammar nut that I am, I corrected her. Find the error yourself and win a prize. Besides, I don't belong to anypony but myself.”
“Don’t you know better than to correct the nobility when they’re wrong?” Wits End asked. Purple Heart scowled.
“They should know proper grammar as a rule!” he snapped.
Rarity’s voice called from the entryway. “So much for intending not to open your mouth, darling!”
“Not helping!” Twilight called back.
“Dude, you do know that the nobility are the ones with the time and money to debate on how grammar and stuff works. They set the laws. The rest of us pleebs are too busy banging rocks together,” Light Patch chimed in.
Wits End shook his head. “It’s the Middle Ages. Grammar hasn’t been invented yet.” He sighed. “Great. Now you’re gonna be executed because you had to be an English teacher.” With a loud groan of irritation, Purple Heart backed further into his cell and faced the wall.
“It’s not like I tried to piss somepony off,” he growled. “Royals are paranoid and conceited. I can’t help correcting improper grammar. While it may not exist now, it does where we live. So, I apologize. I should have let that broad talk like she wants to. It’s not like my correction would’ve changed anything.”
“Good.” Wits nodded. “Now you know to keep your mouth shut around ponies with the authority to have your head chopped off.” He put his hooves together and moved them apart, tracing an arc in the air above his head. “The more your know.”
“Now we just have to get King Bastion to let you go,” Twilight said with a sigh. Purple Heart snorted, not facing away from the wall of his cell.
“Good luck with that,” he grouched. “I’m pretty sure that Amber told you there’s nothing you can do. So, unless you can become a lawyer and get me off on good behavior, I’m dead.”
Wits End’s expression turned serious, with a hint of pure confusion playing at his eyes. “When did you decide to lodge a Redwood up your flank?”
“I’m gonna cut you two off right there,” Light Patch said, pushing his way into between his friends in an effort to derail the brewing argument. We can’t get him to just drop the charges. Bastion probably can’t afford the political implications right now. But maybe we can convince him to go with something less than what he might be thinking of, so lets try to figure out what that might be, alright?”
After a moment of silence, Wits nodded. “Sounds good to me. But once you’re out of here, we’re gonna have words.”
“Yeah, yeah. A little less conversation and a little more action, please,” Light Patch said. After a few moments of silence, “This would be so much easier if we knew what kind of punishments were common here.”
Twilight cleared her throat. “Aside from various levels of torture and execution, punishments could run from branding, cutting off ears, noses, or tongues, cutting off hooves, or blinding the prisoner. All of these are ways that a former criminal could be identified later in case of repeat offences.” She looked at the shocked looks from her friends. “There was a book in the alicorn library.”
“Okay,” Purple Heart spoke up after being quiet for some time. “Now that you’ve successfully scared me carpless, can I speak to the princess please?” Amber trotted forward upon hearing her name and peered into the cell.
“Yes?” she prompted. Purple Heart stood and turned his full attention to the unicorn.
“What kind of punishments are dealt out to prisoners who committed crimes on a political level?” the purple earth pony asked. Amber shrugged.
“Beheading,” she listed, “blinding, castration, chopping off limbs-”
“How about something that does less bodily harm?” Purple Heart interrupted scathingly. “None at all would be preferable.” Amber shrugged.
“You could win your freedom in the Royal Coliseum,” she offered. The purple barbarian perked up at the mention of ‘coliseum’.
“Hooo?” he mused. “That does sound interesting...” Amber blanched, and shook her head.
“But nopony’s ever won their freedom in over a decade,” she exclaimed. Purple Heart waved his hoof dismissively.
“But it isn’t outright death,” he pointed out. “And besides, Light, Wits, and I have a nasty habit of breaking tradition. All bad things come in threes.” He turned back to Wits End. “As for Coliseum things, that should make you happy.”
Wits End was lost in thought, tapping his chin with a forehoof. “Actually…” A smirk crossed his face. “Your wooden posterior obstruction aside, fighting in the coliseum might be a good idea.” he turned to Amber Glitter, his smirk widening. “In fact, you should sponsor him in the arena.”
Amber blinked in surprise. “Sponsor? What do you mean?”
“It’s simple.” Wits End tapped his hoof on the ground. “Have Purple Heart fight in the Royal Coliseum in your name. He might be having a bout of jerkarse right now, but chances are good that he’ll win his freedom.” He pointed at the purple barbarian. “You get your freedom, and to beat up some ponies,” he turned and pointed at the golden princess, “and you get the renown of being the pony who sponsored the first pony to win the coliseum in a decade. It helps your position with the nobility, and our reputation as adventurers. Everypony wins!”
Amber blinked again in surprise. “I hadn’t thought of that… That’s a good idea actually...” She turned to Purple Heart and offered a hoof. “What do you think?” A smile split the purple earth pony’s face and a dangerous light flickered in his eyes.
“Sounds fun,” he chortled, his grim mood departing. “Now you just have to convince Bastion to allow it. Lord Heavy Wait should be no problem thought he might jump at the fact of me fighting in the Coliseum.” Amber cocked her head.
“Why do you think that?” she asked.
“Yeah, why do you think that?” Twilight echoed. Purple Heart’s smile widened.
“You’ve seen me fight,” he elaborated. “Heavy Wait hasn’t. He’ll be so happy at the thought of me dying in front of hundreds of ponies, if not thousands.”
“Besides, who doesn’t love a good bout of blood sport? Nothing like a good fight to the death to get the masses excited, right?” Light Patch said, earning yet another punch to his being. This one sent him sprawling to the floor as the words ‘critical hit’ floated in the air for a few seconds. All of the ponies blinked around in surprise before they all noticed Fluttershy frozen with a hoof up at just the right angle to have been the one to hit him.
“Oh my,” she muttered, “I didn’t think I tapped him that hard.”
“Mien gott,” Purple Heart muttered. “How do you keep setting yourself up for those? It’s uncanny. And to get laid out by ‘Shy too. That’s incredible.”
Wits End blinked. “I, uh… Wow.” He coughed awkwardly. “A-anyway. What do ya think?” Purple Heart shrugged.
“Certainty of death,” he mused, his voice taking on a rough, gravelly quality. “Small chance of success… What are we waiting for?”