Howard sighed as he climbed back into the car. He picked up the bottle of whiskey that he had stashed under the driver's seat and took a swig.
"You know you're not supposed to drink and drive, right?"
He almost sprayed his drink everywhere in surprise. Turning around, he saw his son sitting in the back seat.
"Anthony?! What the hell are you doing back there?! I left you with your mother! You're supposed to have school!"
"I wanted to come with you," his son replied innocently.
"Anthony, I'm going to a funeral. It's not going to be a fun road trip or anything. That's why I'm drinking again. Because I'm depressed and this is stressing me out."
"Yeah, but I want to come. I want to meet your side of the family. You talk about my uncles all the time, but I've never met either of them."
"That's because they're not nice people. My side of the family are all redneck assholes, and the only one of them who isn't, is an asshole for other reasons. I'm attending this out of respect, but I really don't want to go back to Texas either, and there's a reason I didn't invite you and your mother."
"What's so wrong with them?"
Howard sighed again.
"Look, you don't know. Some families love each other, some families do nothing but hurt each other. My family...they were somewhere in between. There was love there. There was affection. I think my father did care for me, otherwise I wouldn't be bothering to drive all the way back home to attend this, but...there's a lot of bad memories there too, and I'd be lying if I said I trusted any of them. I didn't take you to meet them, because I think you'd be genuinely better off if you didn't."
"They're still family though, aren't they dad?"
"Yes, but-"
"Then I want to meet them!"
"...Fuck. I should turn around right now and take you back home. It's Wednesday for Christ's sake! And don't you have homework to hand in?"
"Yeah, but not for anything important."
"...Alright, you win. You can come with me the rest of the way. We're nearly at the border anyway. Fuck if this isn't irresponsible of me though. Where's my phone? I need to call your mother and tell her where you are..."
***
So...demons...
Second walked hesitantly up to Satan, who just stood in place staring down at him through those dark black eyes. He turned and looked over his shoulder at his hallucinations, who were all giving him encouraging looks. Sexuality was wearing a giant foam finger which announced that Second was 'number two'.
Ha ha.
Turning back to the matter at hand, Second stood at the demon's feet and looked up at him. For a moment, neither of them said or did anything. Second was pondering how exactly to start conversation. It was the devil. He was not the sort of guy you'd just stroll up to and casually tell to fuck off. Deciding not to get on the Lord of Darkness's bad side right away, he figured he should at least try being diplomatic.
"Sooooooo..." he began, "You're the ruler of all evil, huh? What's that like?"
The demon just snorted, and some smoke escaped from his nostrils.
"Yeah, I've got that whole 'malevolent cosmic entity' thing going on too. They call me Lord Second back in Equestria. Don't suppose you've heard of me?"
Satan scratched his nose.
"No? Lord Second? The Human? Last Man Standing? Elder God and creator of Equestria? Ruler of the New Human Empire? Killer of Celestia? Nothing?"
The devil tilted his head.
"Okay!" said Second, clapping his hands together, "Well, I'll cut to the chase. You seem to be affecting this pony's mind here, some guy called Sun Rise I believe, and he's kind of a big deal, because he's the high priest in the Church of Man..."
The ruler of all evil raised an eyebrow.
"...And I know that as the devil you have a bit of a history with organised religion...But believe me, Humanism...or whatever you call a religion that worships humans, I have no idea what they named it...is most definitely not Christianity. In fact, they're worshipping me."
Satan folded his arms sceptically.
"No really! They are. And as the God of this particular religion, I would just like to say that I really have no beef with you, and I think it would be in the best interests of both of us, if you would kindly vacate my priest's mind, and move onto some other pony that I care less about. Preferably one in another city altogether, because Secopolis is sort of my city, and I just don't feel comfortable with the idea of demons running around in it. I'm sure you understand?"
The unholy one nodded in agreement.
"Great! So uh...when's the soonest you can move on?"
Then suddenly, there was music. Not just any music either. That was Tenacious D's Tribute. Satan held up a finger to indicate for Second to wait a moment, and reached behind him. Then, the fallen angel pulled a giant cell phone out of nowhere.
...The universe was strange.
Second stood there awkwardly while the demon as big as a house pressed a cell phone against one ear and listened to whoever was on the other side. The human couldn't quite make out what was being said, as it was too badly distorted to his ears, but someone was definitely talking. Once or twice Satan would nod again, but he never said anything. Once he saw done, he pressed a button on the cell to end the call, and put it away again.
"...So who was that?"
The devil immediately drew his giant fire whip and cracked it against the floor almost right next to Second, who jumped away instinctively. The human was at first surprised, but surprise quickly gave way to anger.
"Fine!" he shouted, "I wanted us to be civilised about this, but if you can't act mature and talk this out with me like an adult, then put up your fucking dukes!"
Second cracked his knuckles and jumped up at the devil.
***
Mystic Chant rolled his eyes as he walked into the interpreter’s room. Softy was still angry at him and Sliske for scaring Rhythm. There had been quite a lot of drama about it afterwards. Mystic was forced to apologise, and so was Rhythm too, for arguing with him in the first place, and Softy also had to make extensive apologies to the twins' mother as well. She left rather indignantly after that, probably so Rhythm could clean off all the urine, though Melody wanted to stay and hang out with Mystic some more.
They had only just barely got away with it. Softy had told the mother and her children that Mystic's special talent was transformation magic that could make ponies temporarily resemble famous monsters. It was a rather shoddy story, but anypony would easily believe that over the idea that Mystic was really possessed by the legendary Sliske.
"Alright you, have a seat over here," said the interpreter, a pink unicorn mare, "My name is Dr. Shrink, and you are...let's see here...ah! Mystic Chant. Oooh...from the House of Sparkle! I've never had nobility in here before!"
Mystic looked over at Softy.
"Nobility? Me?" he asked.
"...In the very loosest definition of the term," Softy explained, "You don't have any kind of title or anything, but you should technically be in line to inherit your father's. It's not a particularly major one though."
"Huh...I...did not know that..."
"Anyway!" Dr. Shrink interrupted, "You wanted me to do some cutie mark interpretation, correct? Well, let's see what we're dealing with."
Mystic turned to the side to show his mark. Dr. Shrink stood next to him and closely scrutinized the mark.
"Hmmm...Well this is new..." she muttered, "I'm not familiar with this kind of mark...hold on, let me get my books..."
***
"Hgggggggrrrrrr..."
Chain Mail groaned as he pulled along the gigantic sack of money behind him. It took a lot to make him actually strain now that he had cybernetic enhancements and was constantly being administered strength-boosting drugs, but somehow this bag of gold was enough to do it. Next to him, Gold Coin grunted as he tugged along a much smaller but still incredibly heavy sack, also filled with cash.
"How...did you...even...win this much money?!" Chain Mail panted.
"Bitch...My name...is Gold Coin..." the business pony replied, gasping for breath, "That's because...I never...lose a single...bit...Celestia fuck me with the sun, this is heavy!"
The two ponies collapsed at the bottom of the steps leading up to the palace's main entrance. Two nearby royal guards trotted over and stood to attention in front of their captain, who laid on the floor in exhaustion.
"Sir! Do you require assistance?" one of them asked.
"Please..."
The captain sighed in relief as the two guards took over his hauling duties for a while. With two of his soldiers taking over his carry load, Chain Mail moved over to assist his friend in pulling along the other bag. With two ponies carrying each, they moved a lot faster, and soon both were deposited in the entrance hall of the royal palace.
"...Let's...Let's let the...the servants carry it the rest of the way..." suggested one of the exhausted guards.
"Good call," said Chain Mail, "Get a unicorn to handle this. Somepony who won't break their back lugging these all over Canterlot, like I would have if my spine weren't mostly metal alloys now."
"I think we should go find Princess Luna," Gold Coin interjected, "She said we should return to her once we were done. We've got to be trained in the use of the Elements of Harmony, right?"
"Can we even do that with just the two of us?" asked Chain Mail
"No idea, but the first step towards all six of us being there is the two of us being there. We'll just have to wait for the others."
"Fine then. I trust you two have got this covered?"
"Yes sir!"
"Aye sir!"
Chain Mail turned back to Gold Coin.
"She'll probably be in the throne room. Follow me."
***
Second was batted aside by a wide sweep of Satan's arm, knocking him across the plain mental landscape of Sun Rise's mind. His hallucinations all winced as he struck the floor and bounced across it for a few feet, before coming to a stop. The demon immediately took advantage of Second's fall and jumped further and higher than he should have ever been able to, landing on top of the human.
He brought one of his hooves down on Second's stomach, the contents of the which sprayed out like an exploding fire hydrant right into the devil's face. Second's stomach acid splashed all over him, and the demon roared in pain and backed away, clutching his burned face. And just like his puke from a few hours before in the outside world, Second's stomach acid was glowing bright green, like how cartoons depicted a nuclear spillage.
That couldn't be natural.
Satan quickly recovered his faculties and tried to stomp Second again, but this time the human rolled out of the way and found himself laying on his back between the devil's legs. For a moment, he thought to punch Satan in the dick, but a quick inspection revealed that he didn't seem to have one. Just like with most cartoon characters who were technically naked, the sexual organs were not visible.
And yet whenever anyone got hit in the crotch in cartoons, they always reacted as if they had taken a direct punch to the balls. Weird that.
Remembering that there was no situation in which a crotch punch did not hurt, Second jumped up and launched a fist into that hauntingly empty region. Sure enough, the Lord of Darkness cried out in pain and fell over, as if he actually had testicles that Second had hit.
"Hah!" Second cried in triumph, "I have bested the devil! I am victorious!"
The demon reached out with a clawed hand and grabbed him by the torso. Soon, he was back to his full height and he held Second up to his face, snarling angrily at him. Unfortunately for him, he left his victim's arms free, and always a dirty fighter, Second took the chance to poke him in the eyes. Both eyes. At the same time.
Satan let go of the human to cup his hands over his eyes, but instead of dropping, Second grabbed ahold of the ram's horns sticking out of his enemy's head and swung in front of his face on them. When the demon moved his hands off his eyes, he swung forward and kicked him in the right eye again, prompting another scream of pain and a lot of wild flailing.
In the chaos, the human somehow landed on the devil's bald head, just behind the horns. His adversary knew where he was though and tried to pull him off. When it became apparent that Second wasn't moving, he began punching him. Yes, Satan was essentially hitting himself in the head as well, but it still hurt Second more to have a giant fist continually smashing into his spine.
After a substantial battering, Second gathered his strength and pulled at the right horn, and with some difficulty was able to snap it in half.
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" cried the demon.
The human swung around on his other horn and hung in front of his face again. Satan looked right into his eyes. Second held up the piece of his other horn and grinned. He lunged forward and planted the broken ram's horn right in the dark one's already badly injured eye, drawing a gush of black, almost tar-like blood.
Satan fell over on his back. Second tumbled with him and failed to recover, landing face first on the ground next to him. However, he still at least climbed back to his feet again, unlike the beast, who just laid on the floor, writhing and screaming with a horn sticking out his eye.
"What's that devil? You want me to put you out of your misery? Why, I thought you'd never ask!"
Second jumped onto the demon's chest and leaned over his face. He placed a foot on the ram's horn.
"Well, it's been fun, but we've got to wrap it up now. Goodbye Satan. From one dark lord to another, I'll see you in Hell."
He raised his boot and smashed it down again, driving the ram's horn into the beast's brain and seeming to finally kill him. There was another squirt of the black substance that seemed to substitute for blood, the monster screamed again, and then the writhing stopped and he went still.
Second's hallucinations cheered as they ran over to him.
"OH YEAH!" Second shouted as he stood atop the dead demon, "WHO'S YOUR FUCKING DADDY?! LORD SECOND, THAT'S RIGHT!"
He did a little dance on the Lord of Darkness's corpse.
"Good job, Howard!" said Conscience.
"Well, I'll be fucked," Ambition agreed.
"I TOLD YOU HE WAS A BITCH!"
"Gotta say, looks like I was wrong."
"Yeah. Now rape the corpse."
"Very funny, Sexuality," said Second, "Anyway though, we should get out of here now..."
"Not before I see some action," the naked man insisted.
Second blinked.
"Wait, are you being serious?"
"Did I stutter or something? Lower your trousers and get to work."
Second looked at Conscience.
"Hey, since we're on a mental landscape, if I kill him here, will he actually permanently die?"
"Probably," Conscience replied, "I wouldn't recommend it though. Physically murdering a manifestation of your own psyche is like performing brain surgery with a plastic fork."
"...That would be bad."
"Hey guys?" Ambition interrupted, "I don't mean to break up the fun, but did anyone else think Howard had a surprisingly easy time of defeating the devil in single combat?"
"WHAT DID I SAY?!" screamed Anger, "SATAN: PUSSY. ASS. BITCH."
"Actually, I agree," said Second, "That was too easy. For the ruler of all evil, I'm actually rather disappointed."
"Don't question good things," Conscience begged, "You're just tempting fate..."
"No really though, if that was the devil, why was he such a pushover?"
"Howard..."
"This whole thing was just no challenge. There's got to be-"
"Hey, Howard? I think I may have an answer for you."
Second looked over to Creativity.
"What?"
"That wasn't Satan."
"Huh?"
"That was just a regular demon."
"Oh."
"And I know this because-"
"-Because there's a fucking army of them standing right behind me, isn't there?"
The hallucinations all nodded in unison. Howard turned around to see a line of twenty demons identical to the one he just killed, all carrying different fire-based weapons, and all looking extremely pissed.
"Fuck this," said Second, "We're getting out of here. Screw Sun Rise, and screw whatever fucked up theology decided this world needed to be populated with demons."
***
"Hmmm..." said Dr. Shrink, "My studies reveal that Mystic Chant's cutie mark appears to be that of the legendary Sliske the Destroyer, also known as Sliske the Scourge and Sliske of Seven Hundred Souls."
"Yes, we knew that," Soft Spoken said irritably, "What I want to know is what it means."
The doctor sighed.
"Not good things I'm afraid. I'm not sure what it means exactly. Could be that Mystic has a special talent for sucking out souls, could be that he's good at murder, I have no idea. What I am certain of is that the cutie mark represents something he has in common with the Sliske of the legend, and that can't be a good thing in any way, because Sliske was an irredeemably evil psychopath, if you read the old stories."
Mystic immediately sprouted rows of sharp teeth and jumped over to the doctor.
"I ressssssssssssent that!" he hissed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The doctor screamed and ran out of the room, knocking over a few chairs as she went. Left in the empty office, Sliske turned to look at Soft Spoken apologetically. The old stallion crossed his forelegs and raised an eyebrow at him.
"That's twice in one day you've done that," he said sternly.
"...Sssssssorry."
"No, no, no, don't be sorry. Just stop doing it."
"Well, you heard what he wassssss sssssssaying!"
"Yes, but what he was saying was true."
"I am not an irredeemably evil pssssssssychopath!"
"Aren't you? How many ponies have you killed again?"
"...Are we jussssst talking recccccccently, or...?"
"No, in total."
"...One thousssssssand two hundred and sssssseventeen..."
Soft Spoken was surprised.
"You actually kept count?" he asked.
"Ummm...No...I jussssst remember them rather vividly..."
"Well, if you remember all your victims, answer me this; How many of them actually deserved it?"
Sliske was quiet.
"How many of them were just everyday ponies, trying to get by? Innocent bystanders? Families?"
"Sssssstop it."
"How many, Sliske?"
The teeth and eyes disappeared, leaving Mystic Chant behind. At first, neither of them said anything. Mystic was looking up at the ceiling, listening to a voice only he could hear. He turned to Softy.
"...He's saying something in Zarlan. I don't understand it."
Through the door, a trio of ponies in blue uniform and black combat armour burst in. They were all wearing helmets and carrying riot shields and nightsticks.
"EVERYPONY GET DOWN ON THE GROUND! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!"
***
"...I think we went the wrong way," said Chain Mail, "It's my fault. I wasn't paying attention. I thought I was going on my patrol route for a moment there..."
"I didn't think you'd have a patrol route, being captain of the royal guard," Gold Coin commented.
"Not officially, no. However, I still like to keep up my old guarding duties alongside my regular work. I never want to be accused of not doing my share, and there is a kind of peaceful monotony in walking in circles around the palace that office work simply doesn't give me. Unless of course your patrol route happens to take you through the royal archives, in which case there may be a chance of crazy dragons or cultist attacks, but I digress..."
Gold Coin recognised this room. This was the infirmary where he had recovered after his fight with Chameleon.
"Hey, maybe we should stop here a while," Gold Coin suggested, "Maybe the doctors here can fix you up a bit."
"Why would I need fixing up?" Chain Mail asked defensively.
"Well, for starters, you've got that ugly armoured suit stuck to your skin, you're being periodically pumped full of drugs of unknown content, and most of your real organs are missing and have been for a while, preventing you from eating or drinking without violent side effects. And according to you, the systems on that thing don't even work, so you don't even have access to all your built-in super weapons to compensate. Frankly, if it were anypony else, I'd consider you a cripple."
"...Point taken."
The two ponies marched through the door and into the infirmary once again. In the centre of the cross shaped room, just by the reception desk, Chain Mail spotted a cerulean blue unicorn doctor with a pink mane, shouting at two uncharacteristically thin and bony looking royal guards.
"AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING!" he screamed, "ONE UNICORN TO MAINTAIN A SHIELD OVER ALL OF CANTERLOT?! ONE UNICORN?! SURE, IF YOUR SPECIAL TALENT IS DEFENCE, YOU MAY BE REALLY GOOD AT SHIELD SPELLS, BUT FUCKING SERIOUSLY?! THE PRINCESS ONLY EVER ASSIGNS ONE SINGLE UNICORN TO MAINTAIN A CITY-SIZED SHIELD AROUND THE CLOCK?! I DON'T CARE HOW SKILLED YOU ARE, THAT'S GOT TO BE FUCKING EXHAUSTING! AND WHY THE FUCK DOES THE PRINCESS NEED A UNICORN FOR THAT?! SHE'S A MOTHERFUCKING GODDESS! THIS MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE!"
Chain Mail looked at the two guards. They were pleading for him to come to their rescue. The captain thought something was off about them. It took him a moment to notice, but then it hit him. Those were the exact same two unicorns that Dr. Heart Beat had been shouting at the last time he came in here!
Oh dear Luna, had the doctor been shouting at those two guards for three days straight?! No wonder they looked like they were almost skeletal. They had been starving to death for days, unable to move from that spot because Dr. Heart Beat was continuing to shout at them and wouldn't stop. Now he felt really bad about abandoning them to their fate the last few times he saw them.
Okay, that was it. Time for an intervention. Captain Chain Mail strolled over while Dr. Heart Beat was in mid-rant and lightly tapped the unicorn on the shoulder.
"Ahem," he said, trying to get his attention, "Dr. Heart Beat?"
"WHAT?!" the doctor shouted as he turned to face Chain Mail.
"You've been shouting at those guards a while now. I think they need a break."
"Oh, really? I apologise, I wasn't aware of the time. Sorry you two, you're free to go."
Dr. Heart Beat turned and left, walking off to the other side of the infirmary with a spring in his step and a song in his heart. The two starved guards wept tears of joy and both crawled over to Chain Mail to hug his legs.
"Celestia bless you!"
"I will love you forever!"
Chain Mail pulled his legs away, and the two guards got the hint and galloped as fast as they could out of the infirmary, heading in the direction of the royal kitchens.
"Well, that was an amusing diversion," Gold Coin commented, "Let's go ask the good doctor what he can do about your metal parts now."
***
"Lord Second! You're back!" said Ancient Tome.
Sun Rise was still strapped to the wall in front of the human, eyes wide and staring blankly at nothing. Second turned to face the other ponies, who were all waiting in the room just outside Sun Rise's prison cell.
"Did you fix him?" asked Dr. Apocalypse, "What was wrong?"
"I fixed one twenty first of the problem," Second replied, "And it was demons."
"...Demons?"
"Demons."
"...Are you serious sir?"
"What? You don't believe me? Are demons really that implausible?"
"...I..."
"Shut up. I have a new job for you doctor. Make me a serum that will ensure I won't dream if I go to sleep and then pump me full of it. I'm tired, and I want to go to bed without fear of weirdoes in black coats stalking me through old English churches."
"Uhhhh...Sir?"
"GET TO FUCKING WORK!"
***
"Seriously! I'm telling the truth!" Soft Spoken protested as he was escorted through the prison, "Me and Sliske are representatives of the princess! The new Elements of Harmony! Go ask her! Sliske is allowed to be free! This all a huge misunderstanding!"
The guards threw both Soft Spoken and Mystic Chant into their cell unceremoniously. Both had been cuffed and chained at the hooves, and Mystic also had a magic restraining bolt on.
"Yeah right," sneered the guard, "And I'm a Wonderbolt! HAHAHAHAHA!"
Once the guard had walked off again, Mystic's face mutated again to signify the return of Sliske.
"Sssssssssso much for your legendary ssssskillsssss of perssssssuasssssssion."
"...Shut up Sliske..."
There was a rustling in the corner.
"Huh? Have I got visitors?"
Sliske and Soft Spoken were both surprised to see Explodey emerge from a pile of hay in the corner of the cell.
"Oh, hey guys! What are you doing here?"
"I could ask you the same thing!" Softy replied, "What are you doing in prison?!"
"Oh...Ummm...Let me see...Uhh...I think...armed robbery...several murders...uhhh...extortion? I think the guard said extortion. I don't know what that means though. Uhhh...blackmail was another...assault...attempted murder...bribery...and a few traffic violations. I think."
Soft Spoken blinked.
"You've only been gone for four hours!" he shouted, "How did you rack up all those charges in four hours?!"
Explodey shrugged.
"I dunno. I don't remember doing any of it. I think the guards think I'm somepony else, what with the way they keep calling me Don Dynamite. Hey, who's Don Dynamite by the way?"
"Mafia crime lord," Sliske replied, "Runssssss the Dynamite family. Mainly basssssssed out of Manehattan, but they have a few operationssssss here in Canterlot. Dynamite issssss a white unicorn with a cutie mark of pony body partssssss flying out of an explossssion. It'sssss not hard to sssssssee why they thought you were him."
"...How do you know this?" asked Softy.
"I posssssessssssed a pegassssssussssss guard recccccently, jussssst before I left Sssssssecond. Private Ssssssssskysssssssword. Asssssss a royal guard, he had a lot of experiencccce dealing with them."
"Huh..."
"Hey, Sliske?" said Explodey, "If I may ask, how does the whole memories thing work? Like, do you automatically have all your host's memories when you take them over, or do you have to actively search through them?"
"I have all of them right away, but it'sssssss not like I sssssuddenly experiencccce a whole life time at oncccccccce. I get the memoriesssssss, and I can think back on them and remember thingsssss at any time afterwardsssss. If I posssssessssss an electrician for inssssssstanccccce, I will have all hisssssss life experiencccce and training in my head, but I won't be able to actually fix anything until I look back over thossssse memoriessssss and recall him learning thosssse thingssss in the firsssst placccccce. Ssssso short anssssssswer, a bit of both."
"So, hypothetically speaking, you have all of Chain Mail and Broad Sword's memories, right? Since you possessed them both at least once each?"
"Not Broad Ssssssword'sss. He made me promisssse not to look at hisssss memoriesssssss."
"Really? Why?"
"I don't know. He had a right to keep ssssssecretsssss, and I didn't quessssstion it. Pressssumably it wasss to hide what we found out earlier today."
Explodey laid his head down on the floor and sighed.
"Yeah...Probably..."
***
"Hmmm..." Dr. Heart Beat mumbled, "No...that's not right...that shouldn't be there...you should be dead without that...this isn't even an organ naturally found in ponies...that has got to be some kind of mutation...this is synthetic...and I'm not even sure that that is biologically possible..."
Chain Mail laid on his back in the hospital bed. The armour on his underbelly had been ripped open, and the doctor had reopened a large scar he found on his stomach so he could poke around his insides. He was currently prodding one of Chain Mail's many mechanical organs and listening to it through a stethoscope. Once he was done he pulled it away.
"Well, I've done a full inspection. Yep. You're pretty fucked up captain."
"Gee, thanks. I didn't know that."
"Good news first. For reasons I'm still not quite certain of, though my working hypothesis is that those drugs caused it, you are now perfectly capable of surviving without oxygen. Good thing too, because the automatic breathing failed. And so did your regular breathing actually, but your lungs are still moving, even if not holding air. It's...surreal. I've never seen anything like this outside of a carnival freak show before."
"And the bad news?"
"I'm not done with the good news yet. You've also greatly developed most of your legs muscles, again probably due to the drugs, and you have an immune system stronger than any I've seen before. I am concerned about the fact that you can no longer eat or drink, but it seems that the suit power gives you energy regardless, and what's more, it's solar powered. About an hour of exposure to direct sunlight should be roughly equivalent to one of your three daily meals, assuming you had a balanced diet before."
"Are you done now?"
"Yes. The bad news is despite biological enhancements, you're still going to die slowly and in agony if I remove the mechanical parts. You're basically dependent on them now, even if none of them work. Even worse, you're also semi-dependent on the drugs too. You don't need the constant supply of painkillers, and I'm fairly sure that's a software glitch of some kind, but you DO need whatever it was that mutated you like this. Your biological enhancements are primarily magical in nature, and are likely to relapse if the drug isn't administered regularly. And if you relapse back into your need for oxygen when your lungs don't even work...yeah...that won't be pleasant."
Chain Mail's eyes widened in fear.
"Wait! But this suit only has a finite drug supply! It'll run out in only a few days!"
"Yep. Probably a tactic to ensure you stay loyal to Second's army by making you dependent on a drug that only they can supply. Fortunately I was able to pick up some trace amounts of it in blood samples, and if I had some time I might be able to extract the pure version from the suit's reserves. Give me a day and some of my best researchers, and I might be able to crack the formula and replicate it myself."
"Can you extract the pure version now?"
"I'd need a decent technician. The armour's a tough nut to crack."
"Hey," Gold Coin interrupted, "If you can get a technician in here, can he also get to repairing some of Chain Mail's cybernetics? If he's dependent on it now, I don't want him running around with faulty hardware."
"I'll see what I can do," the doctor promised, "This is going to be the most interesting surgical operation of my entire career..."
***
Second opened the doors to the walk-in wardrobe in his private bedroom.
"My God, I have horrible taste in fashion."
Second ripped a load of clothes off their coat hangers and threw them behind him out onto his king-sized four poster bed.
"Crap. Crap. Mega-crap. What the hell is this doing here?"
He held up a pink night gown.
"...I am still a man, right?"
The human looked down at his trousers, and then lifted his right arm to smell his armpit.
"Yep. Definitely a man. Whoever brought this for me is getting shot."
He tossed the night gown behind him with the rest of the ugly stuff.
"And then there's...Wait. Is this a...? Ewwwwwww!"
He tossed the object that would haunt his nightmares for the next week behind him, this time aiming for the bin on the other side of the room.
"Where the hell is...? AHA!"
There it was. A navy blue duster coat, just like the one he had worn to Appleloosa. Not exactly the same as his normal long coat that had been incinerated with the rest of the Mages' Guild, but close enough to his familiar style that he felt at ease again. And look. It even came with a Stetson.
***
"...Sliske?"
"Hmm?"
"Tell me about the Sakrassi."
The alien looked at Soft Spoken in surprise.
"Tell you what?"
"Nothing specific. I'm just curious. I want to know more about them. What sort of people are you? What's your culture? What kind of sciences do you study? Do Sakrassi have any kind of religious figures? Any leaders? Tell me about your political and justice systems. What kind of society do you run? What food do you eat and what relations do you have with the other races on your home world? Just anything really."
Explodey sat up again, gaining an interest in the conversation as well. Sliske however just looked ashamed.
"We..." he stammered, "I...It's not...It's hard to explain..."
There were 'S' noises in that sentence, and Sliske didn't hiss. This was not lost on either of the ponies.
"Well, come on," said Explodey, "Just tell us what you can."
"...We don't have a sssssoccccciety assss sssssuch...Sssssee, the thing about Sssssakrassssi issss that we're all jussssst a little bit telepathic. Thisss isssss meaninglesss here in Equessssstria, but back on Zarlow, every member of our sssspeccccciessss isssss connected through the Sssssakrassssi Overmind. I guessss you could conssssider him our leader. The Overmind issssss biologically determined. The oldesssst living Sssssakrassssi automatically inheritsssss the posssition, and all the abilitiesssss that come with it."
"Abilities?" Soft Spoken prodded.
"Yesssss. The Overmind, connected to every other member of the raccce through telepathy, automatically inheritsssss the collective memoriesssss and a blend of the persssssonality of every other Ssssssakrasssssi alive, and can dissssstribute memoriessssss to individualssss too. Mosssssstly thisssss isssss ussssed to help Sssssakrasssssi find each other during the breeding sssssseasssson or to know where there might be Klkrmizk."
"What's a Klkrmizk?" asked Explodey.
"...Oh. Sssssorry. I forgot you don't know about that yet. I already told Broad Sssssword about thissss. Bassssically, they're the Sakrasssssi'sss natural predatorssss. Klkrmizk issss Zarlan for Ghossssst Eater. They're called that becausssse they can ussse magic to ressstrain usssss in our energy form, or even pull ussss out of our hossssstssss like Ssssecond did to me, sssso that they can absorb ussss. We're food to them."
That caught Softy's attention.
"You have predators?"
"Yessss. Powerful onessss too. Many of the mutated featuresss our hosssstssss gain are evolved for fighting them off. My tongue for insssstancccce isssss a natural defenccccce mechanissssm againssssst their magic. A Ssssakrassssi'ssss ssssaliva nullifiessss magic. That'ssss why I ussssse my tongue when taking unicorn hosssstsssss; If they try to usssse magic againsssst me, I can canccccel their ssssspellsssss by wrapping the tongue around their hornssss. Back on Zarlow, it wassssss usssssed to sssssstop Ghosssst Eatersssss' from pulling ussss out of our hossssstssss."
"So is that why you take host bodies?" asked Explodey, "To hide from these Ghost Eaters?"
"Yesssss."
"But you didn't always?"
"Millionssss of yearsss ago, the anccccessstorssss of the Ssssakrasssssi would have lived without taking hossssstsssss, and we can sssstill technically live without them if we want to, floating around in our energy form and ssssurviving off the sssunlight."
"Sakrassi can live on sunlight?" Explodey asked.
"Only when not in hosssst bodiesssss, but yesssss. In our natural formssss, we feed on sssssolar energy. That'ssssss why I targeted Princccccccessssss Cccccelessssssstia when I firsssst arrived on thisss planet all thosssse yearsssss ago. I wassss intending to bring about an eternal daytime."
Explodey looked at Sliske suspiciously.
"An energy being...intending to possess Princess Celestia...who would mutate her features and give her serpentine eyes and strange teeth...who knows transformation magic as well...and who would bring about eternal daytime..."
The unicorn inched slightly closer.
"The Sakrassi wouldn't happen to have any kind of distant cousins that feed on moonlight instead of sunlight or something, would they?"
Sliske just looked confused.
"No. What gave you that idea?"
"Oh...nothing..."
Soft Spoken raised an eyebrow.
"Sliske, I notice that you've been talking a lot about your biology, but I've heard nothing about what Sakrassi are really like though. You talk a lot about predators and survival. Are you a tribal culture? Do you all go it alone? Or do you actually have organised civilisation?"
Sliske winced.
"None of thosssse thingsssss."
"Well then what?!"
"We're animalssssssss!" Sliske shouted, "Don't you undersssstand me?! We are not normally even sssssentient beingssssss! We're like insssssectsssssss or dogsssss. We're not a sssssocccccciety, and we don't have a civilisssssation! Sssssssakrassssssi are wildlife, farm animalssssss and petssssss of the actual cccccccivilissssed ssssspeccccciessss! It'ssss called Planet Zarlow becausssse it isssss ruled by the Zarlanssss! I'm not ssssssome cccccitizen of an alien civilissssssation. I'm jusssssst a freak accccccident!"
Sliske slumped on the floor and covered his face with his hooves. Soft Spoken moved to comfort the alien, but the features immediately retracted again, leaving behind only a confused looking Mystic Chant.
***
The following morning...
***
"...Making a grave mistake..."
"What?! No! He can't be!"
"I'm taking him with me to Texas."
"I'm your uncle Brian."
"I left for good reason."
"How could you?!"
"At a funeral..."
"You deserve to be in here."
"Aren't so civilised after all, are we?"
"You bastard!"
"And to think I ever respected either of you..."
"This is awful."
"And now we're handing over to Lauren again..."
"I'm still here!"
"Why though, dad? What did he do?"
"You got this job because of me you fucking leach!"
"The worst thing a man can ever do..."
"I recommend immediate rewrites."
"Burn in Hell."
"SURE IS CIVILISED IN HERE!"
"This is why we should not be put to the mercy of the marketing department."
"You didn't know him like I did."
"That's my father you're talking about."
"What a fucking paragon of virtue you are."
"And to think I thought Canada would be quieter..."
"Hey Howie! Long time no see."
"You and I have nothing to say to each other."
"No. This time, it's me. You're not going to fuck up my last chance at this."
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
"I'll prove your little theory wrong. Just watch me."
"End it. Now."
"They've commissioned a season five!"
"Already?!"
"He's made a script so awful, it would make God himself cry."
"Nathan! Get in here!"
"So what do you propose?"
"Sir, with all due respect, I resign."
"I've got the perfect idea for a villain..."
Second's eyes shot open.
"...That fucking serum did not work..."
***
Chain Mail's eyes fluttered open again, and the first thing he saw in his disturbingly clear, cybernetically-enhanced vision was Princess Luna leaning right over him. If looks could kill, the one she was giving him would have pushed ponykind to extinction.
"Uhh...Hello...your majesty?" the captain said nervously.
"I waited in the throne room for you and the other Elements to show up," she explained, "I waited for SIX HOURS!"
The liberal use of the royal Canterlot voice almost seemed to physically push the cyberpony down into the mattress, though that could have just as easily been metal parts weighing him down.
"SIX HOURS, AND NOT ONE OF YOU SHOWED UP?!"
"IT WAS GOLD COIN'S IDEA!" Chain Mail cried, "HE SAID I SHOULD GET THE CYBERNETICS SEEN TO AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!"
Luna pressed her face almost up against his.
"Thin. Ice."
She pulled away.
"You're getting off easy," she continued, "I shouted at Gold Coin so much that he had to have his eardrums magically treated. And believe it or not, your other four friends actually all got themselves arrested last night. I had to grant them all royal pardons! Do you know how time consuming that is with the recent reforms?! I was hoping that with the fate of the world resting in your hooves, you and the other Elements would take this seriously!"
"I am taking this seriously!" Chain Mail protested, "If I hadn't come here so the doctor could find the formula for some of the drugs in this suit, I could have dropped dead in a matter of days!"
"I'm aware, and for that reason I'm not going to be enforcing any punishment on you, but you still disobeyed my instructions to meet with me and your friends for training. The Elements of Harmony will never work without all their bearers present! They'll be even less effective if nopony shows up!"
"...I apologise, your highness."
"Hmph," Luna replied, "No matter. Get in uniform captain. My sister's funeral is today, and I want this to go off without a hitch."
"Come on your majesty, what could possibly go wrong?"
***
Second marched back and forth in front of a line of ponies in multicoloured power armour, who all stood to attention listening to the human's speech.
"Now, I know that none of you have much prior experience in causing the apocalypse..." he began.
"I have!"
"...But that's why we're all here today. This is going to be a team building exercise, and it'll help you all learn the specifics of causing the maximum amount of devastation, both on the environment and population. Before we begin, has anyone got any questions?"
A pegasus in cyan coloured power armour raised his hoof.
"Rainbow Twelve, your question?"
"Uh, yes sir!" said Rainbow Twelve nervously, "Umm...I was wondering why it specifically had to be zombies that you destroy Equestria with? Because it seems to me that it would be a lot easier to just...I don't know...nuke it?"
"Excellent question! Well, the thing is, that this battle coming up here is the climax of the story. Right? And as such, we're expected to lose this battle. What's coming up in Canterlot is our ultimate defeat at the hands of the Equestrians, and for them to defeat us, we must fight with conventional weapons. Maybe zombies aren't exactly conventional, but they're something that our enemies can fight back against.
"So we're just using zombies because it's fairer that way. We've got to give them a sporting chance, and unless some time in the past thousand years Stable-Tec became a real thing, using nuclear weapons just would not be sporting. If I used nukes, I'd win with no challenge. It'd be like shooting fish in a barrel, except the fish are all blind and crippled, and instead of shooting them, I'm filling their barrel with live grenades and running away. Incidentally, I want to try that some time. Any more questions?"
A unicorn in purple power armour raised his hoof as well.
"Starpoint Seven?"
"If we're going to lose because of story conventions, does that mean that all of us are going to die on this mission?"
"Yes. Most likely. Is that a problem?"
"No sir. Just making sure we're all on the same page."
"Good. Is that it?"
One of the ponies in the yellow armour spoke up.
"Sir, settle a bet. Is there such a thing as clearance level alpha?"
"What? No. Why would you even think that?"
"No reason..."
"...Anyway. If everyone is finished asking questions-"
"Oh wait! I've got another!"
Second sighed in frustration.
"Yes? What is it?"
"Where are Rainbow Six and Butterfly One?"
"Both dead, though by entirely different means. Rainbow Six let his armour fall into enemy hands, so I had him crucified. Butterfly One choked to death on a piece of celery yesterday. You can expect a replacement squad leader to be chosen soon. Anything else?"
"...That's all, sir."
"Good. Now, you'll all be split into pairs. We're going to start with a trust exercise. Everyone stand up on your hind legs and put on your blindfolds..."
The ponies all stared blankly through their visors at Second.
"...And I only just realised how that sounded, so forget that. Everyone give me fifty push-ups."
***
Luna stared into the mirror forlornly. Her reflection offered her no comfort. A white unicorn stallion tapped the floor impatiently behind her.
"...Blue, do you think the black dress is a bit much?" she asked, "I know it's traditional, but it just feels weird to wear clothes when the last time I wore anything was two centuries ago..."
"I'm really not fussed, your maj," Blueblood replied, "I think you c'n go in whatever you wanna, and sod whatever ponies would want you ta do. As long as you don't go in a clown suit or nuffin, I don't see how it'd be at all disrespectful."
The princess seemed to be thinking it over, but then a distant sound interrupted her train of thought. A sort of wheezing, whooshing sound that was difficult to describe. The corner of her mouth twitched, almost as if she was about to smile again. Blueblood cocked an eyebrow, and Luna passed by him and walked out onto the balcony.
He followed her outside, and saw nothing particularly notable in the courtyard below. Nothing but the hundreds of ponies all passing through on their way to the funeral out on the palace green, and the usual decorative scenery.
Despite that though, Luna seemed to have seen something he did not.
"Excuse me for a minute," she said, "An old friend just arrived."
***
"...There you are."
Chain Mail turned away from the mirror to see Gold Coin in the doorway.
"Oh, hello there. What are you here for?"
"I was looking for you. I heard you were up and about again."
The captain turned around again and continued trying to change.
"Yeah, and not a moment too soon. I have to be in full uniform for a formal occasion like this, and this weird red thing is ill suited to being worn over the top of another set of armour. If it weren't for Second grafting this damn thing on...I'm going to miss wearing clothes."
"...Sorry about last night. I shouldn't have talked you out of your orders. We should have gone to meet with the princess, like she asked."
"Don't worry about it. It probably saved my life. I had no idea just how much those Mages' Guild sadists messed me up. Honestly, I felt fine. Maybe a little empty without all those major organs, but I didn't think I was actually in any danger of dying."
"...Did it hurt?" asked Gold Coin, "What the Mages' Guild did, I mean?"
Chain Mail looked at him briefly through the mirror's reflection.
"They made a point of not using anaesthetic. I don't remember most of it now though, so I'm not so bothered anymore. Everything after we marched into the Palace of Kings up until Broad Sword's death is kind of a hazy blur for me now, and I really wouldn't have it any other way. I went to a dark place for a while there."
He finished putting on the jacket.
"...Hate this thing...Where are Explodey and the others?"
"In the suite upstairs. Softy's choosing a tie right now, and Mystic and Explodey are arguing."
"...Over what?"
"Game of hangpony as far as I can tell. Or something about obscure zebra history. I don't fucking know."
"...And Sliske?"
"All quiet on that front. Mystic says he can't even hear him in his head anymore. It's like he went to sleep and never woke up."
"Hmph," Chain Mail snorted, "That alien puts us at a severe disadvantage with that ability of his. I don't know how we're supposed to get through to him at all when he has the ability to duck out of any conversation and just hide inside Mystic for days at a time."
"You've just got to wait for him to regain his senses," Gold Coin explained, "I know he can be a bit intimidating, but he's much more open to a heart-to-heart talk than you'd think."
"Who said he was intimidating? I'm not intimidated," the captain said defensively.
"...Captain, I know all about your fears. Sliske's been in your head, remember? He told me he knew you were afraid of him."
"...I'm not afraid. Just a little hesitant to trust him. I'm a guard, see? Letting my defences down around a potential threat is not something I'm eager to do."
"He's not a threat. I know he seems like one, what with the teeth and all, but if-"
"Soft Spoken told you how many ponies he killed, right?"
"He might have mentioned it."
"One thousand two hundred and seventeen, Goldie. That's almost as much as the entire Spider Legion combined!"
"It's different now though! He's not the same pony who did all that. He's changed. Literally. His actual personality has been rewritten entirely since he first escaped."
"...Alright, fine. I'm scared of him. Happy now?"
"Well, I'm happy that you're being honest with me at least."
"Oh hey, honesty!" Chain Mail interrupted, suddenly sounding jovial, "I just realised that that's probably my Element! I actually feel kind of stupid it took me this long to realise that..."
"Chains, don't try to change the subject on me."
"...Damn."
"You don't have to be scared of him. He's not a monster anymore. Mostly. I've talked with him, and Softy's talked with him, and we both agree. He's becoming a pony. Maybe a pointy-toothed pony who's a little sensitive about his past, but still..."
"And I can respect that. But forgive me for remaining a little apprehensive around the three times would-be conqueror of Equestria."
"Captain, I should let you know that he's genuinely upset about your attitude. He confided in me, and said that Broad Sword was actually his first ever friend. And he doesn't think that we're his friends. He thinks we just keep him around because we have to, or because Broad Sword did. If we're the Elements of Harmony, that means that we can't think of each other like that. He knows that you fear him, and he really doesn't want you to. I think he actually does want to be our friend."
"...I will talk to him. I can't promise that I will miraculously get over my fears or anything, but if he really desires nothing more than to be my friend, then I'll at least try, for his sake."
"That's all I'm asking, captain."
***
"Doctor!"
Luna galloped over to the familiar blue box that remained hidden out of plain site just behind the corner of the royal hedge maze. Stepping out of a door somewhat that looked like it was designed with a much taller species in mind, was a young brown earth pony stallion with an hourglass cutie mark, who turned to her as she ran at him.
"Oh! Hello, princess," he said solemnly, "I heard all about it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"It's not your fault," Luna replied, "I know you can't be expected to show up for everything. Greater needs of the universe, etcetera."
"Yeah...but still, I'm sorry anyway. I know there's no real excuse for-"
"Hey, princess!"
A grey pegasus mare with a blonde mane jumped out of the TARDIS and tackled Luna to the ground. The princess of the night grunted as she fell, but did not try to resist her very affectionate attacker. Instead she just rolled her eyes and patted her on the head.
"Hello Derpy, it's nice to see you again."
As her old friend finally climbed off her, Luna noticed that she was frowning.
"'Derpy'?" she repeated, "Who's Derpy? My name is Ditzy Doo! Duh!"
Luna looked over to the Doctor in confusion.
"...I thought her name was...?"
"It was. But there was some kind of time anomaly. I'm not sure who, but somepony altered the timeline and her name with it. Also her voice, if you pay close attention. I still don't know why. They didn't change anything else. It happened a long time ago, and it's a mystery that I'm still trying to solve today."
"Ooh! Doctor! Where's this place! Are we in the future again?! Is this Canterlot?! Look at the statues! There's so many of them! Way more than present Canterlot!"
The Doctor smiled slightly.
"I love travelling with her. She never stops being amazed by the new places."
Ditzy Doo was flying around above the maze and looking across the landscape. Her face was the very picture of joy, and a stark contrast to the mood of everypony else present. Luna wondered if she was even aware what they were there for. She voiced her concerns to the Doctor.
"No. I was going to tell her when we got here, but then you arrived and she got all excited like this. From her perspective, she hasn't seen you for almost a year and a half now."
"Hmm. Very well. Regardless, I hope you know how much it means to me that you would be in attendance for an event such as this. I don't have many friends as long-lived as I am, and with Tia gone, I just...I don't know how I would get through any of this without my friends."
The Doctor seemed about to respond, but then was interrupted as a grey stallion in a top hat, with a cutie mark identical to his own, came charging across the grass and skidded to a halt in front of him.
"Hello me! I'm you from the future! Very majorly bad crisis coming up, Eclipse Crisis even, need to borrow your TARDIS, mine got stolen! Hope you don't mind, ta for now!"
He disappeared into the blue box. The three ponies just stared in confusion as the blue box began to make that wheezing noise and flash its light, as it slowly faded out of existence.
"...What in Equestria was that?" asked Luna.
"I'm not sure, but I think my eleventh incarnation just stole my TARDIS."
"...Should we go after him?"
"Nah! If my future self had a TARDIS to lose, I must get it back at some point. Best leave the timeline to play out, and I'll discover first hand what prompted this when I become him. All I can do is hope that it's not any time soon."
***
"Sir!"
Second looked up from his newspaper, and saw a pony in yellow power armour and with a large number one emblazoned on the flank fly over to land next to his table.
He had decided to eat out at one of Secopolis's many cafes today, and avoid going through the hassle that was the palace servants desperately trying and failing to meet his standards. Best just to order from a pre-prepared menu of choices. He had been enjoying a coffee and a cheese and ham sandwich until he was interrupted.
Anyway, power armoured pony.
"Yes, what is it?"
Butterfly One took off her helmet to reveal a familiar face.
"It's me!" Silver Vein shouted enthusiastically, "They let me into the Butterflies, and I was promoted to squad leader!"
"Yes, I know. I was the one who chose you for the position."
"You did?!"
"I did say I would arrange a reward for you, didn't I?"
"Oh thank you sir! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"
The mare jumped forward and grabbed Second, and proceeded to try and crush him in her hooves. Or it may have been a hug. It was hard to tell with power armour.
"Right, yeah. Get out of my face," Second wheezed.
Silver Vein let go and backed away, looking embarrassed.
"Well...really though, thank you sir," she said sincerely.
"Don't be thanking me. You'll be on the front lines. All I've done is ensured that you will die sooner."
"Not necessarily."
"Not necessarily, no, but probably."
"I really don't mind. I've always wanted to see some real action! It's been my dream ever since I was a little filly..."
"I created you four days ago. You were never at any point a filly."
"Yeah, but I still have memories!" Silver Vein protested.
"Which still doesn't make sense to me, but whatever. Anyway, we'll be heading out to Canterlot tomorrow for the apocalypse. Make sure that you're prepared. Oh, and get a saddle fitted onto your armour."
The mare's eyes went wide.
"W-Why?!"
Second raised an eyebrow at her.
"Why the hell do you think? I need to get from one major city to another, my car was destroyed, and I'm dressed like a cowboy. Do the math."
"Oh. Oh, is that all? Sure, I can do that."
The human tilted his head.
"I have to be going now, sir!" Silver explained, "Thanks again!"
The knight placed her helmet back on and spread her wings, and seconds later, she was gone. Second just shook his head as he went back to reading his paper.
"Strange mare..."
***
Soft Spoken, Gold Coin and Explodey kept together as they marched through the crowd, with Mystic following close behind. They were allowed a place up front for this, and had chairs reserved. Because the funeral was a public event, many ponies were forced to stand in the crowds around the palace grounds and pay their respects from afar, but those that personally knew Celestia, mostly nobles, politicians, business ponies or palace staff all had seats up closer to the front.
The group soon arrived at their places, third row from the front to the left of the small aisle that had been made between the chairs. This was a surprisingly good spot, considering that they had only known the princess for part of a day before she got killed. Maybe being the Elements of Harmony carried more weight than they thought.
On the green, a large platform had been constructed, atop which lied a huge white marble tomb. A podium had been set up nearby, and a pony was currently adjusting the microphone to make sure it would work. Sitting off to the side, a priest struggled to think of some way to adapt the usual prayer calling for Celestia to watch over the deceased, which would not have made much sense for a number of reasons in this context.
At one of the front-most seats, Princess Luna sat with a few other ponies, trying her best to keep her composure. Prince Blueblood sat to her right, looking uncharacteristically dignified in that tuxedo, and beyond him a number of other ponies, mostly unicorns, though one earth pony and pegasus sat almost right next to Blueblood. And to the princess's left were a few alicorns who, despite probably being celebrities, Soft Spoken and the others had never seen before. Except the pink one, who was Princess Cadance if he was not mistaken.
Wait, was that black one even an alicorn at all? There was no way a pony could ever naturally grow insect wings. Then again, the night guards...
Also around were representatives from a number of other species. Though only a few of them were on the front rows, Gold Coin spotted at least three diamond dogs, one of which was albino, nine griffins, four smartly dressed zebras, two minotaurs including that huge one that was with Luna yesterday, three donkeys, a cow, a strange creature that looked like a cross between a fish and a human, wielding a trident and wearing a spiky gold crown, and one fellow who he would have sworn was a gargoyle if he didn't know for a fact that they were extinct now.
And of course, Spike the Eternal and his dragons all lined the top of the palace, the only place they could be without taking up space that the ponies would need. At first, he thought that the Eighteen were there in full, but an actual count revealed that two had not seen fit to attend.
The priest tapped the microphone as he stepped up to the podium, and the feedback stopped what little chatter still persisted.
"Ahem. If we could all please have a moment of silence, and then we can begin..."
***
Meanwhile, half way across the galaxy and in another time, a massive explosion rippled across space. The Eleventh Doctor ripped open the doors to his TARDIS and stared down at the devastation caused. Below him, Gallifrey burned. His planet was dying before his eyes, his people being wiped out, while he could do nothing. Dozens, maybe hundreds of undisguised TARDISes fled the planet, spreading out in all directions as long as they could escape the cataclysm, and fading away from view as they fled through the time vortex in hope of safety from the disaster.
Not the disaster that had already happened however. The explosion that destroyed the planet was nothing compared to what they were actually fleeing from. They knew what was about to happen. The planet itself was but a mere fraction of the destruction about to be unleashed. The Doctor stared in horror, a single tear escaping, as Gallifrey's sun went supernova.
And with the fall of the Time Lords, there in the centre of the explosion that was once a sun, cosmic horrors crawled through into the universe.
***
"...Amen," the priest finished.
"Amen," the crowd repeated.
Mystic leaned over to Softy and whispered in his ear.
"What does 'Amen' mean?"
"No idea."
The priest nodded to Princess Luna and vacated his place at the podium. The princess in turn got up and moved to the front, and stood behind the same podium. Unlike the much smaller pony who was managing the service before, she did not need to climb up and rest her hooves on the podium to use the microphone, being tall enough on her own to reach it.
Luna cleared her throat and looked over the crowd. Her horn lit up, and she drew a number of small cue cards with the notes for her speech on them. She shuffled them nervously.
"Keep your composure, Luna," she reminded herself, "You've managed it so far. Don't break down. Be strong for your subjects."
"A little over two thousand..." she began.
No, that was wrong. She was missing a card. She searched them and picked out the right card again. She cleared her throat again and tried a second time.
"...My sister was the dearest pony in my life. I've lost many friends, and even family before. Death seems to take everypony in the end...but I've never lost anypony quite like my sister before. Tia...Princess Celestia, I mean...she was always the best of us. She always found it in her heart to forgive, she always wanted to take the peaceful route, and even when she fought monsters like Discord and Lord Second, she still refused to kill.
"A little over two thousand years ago, my jealousy nearly led Equestria to the brink of disaster, and even as I was committing so many atrocities, my sister still wanted nothing more than for us to stop fighting and be friends again. I think the day she used the Elements to seal me in the moon was the worst day of her life. And one thousand years later, I returned. The very first thing I did when I came back was to try and do it all again, and when I was beaten, even after all that, she still forgave me right away. Just like that..."
The princess felt her eyes beginning to water.
No! Stay strong! They need you to be strong!
"When she and I were together again, my sister made a promise to me. She promised me that we would never be apart again. That she'd never leave me alone. And she kept that promise. It's been one thousand and five years since that day, and we ruled side by side all that time. So many years spent together...and it still doesn't make up for all the time we lost.
"I regret so many things, but the one thing I think I regret the most, is letting Tia down. She always loved me, and she always looked out for me. She did what a big sister was supposed to. And I never saw that. Not even after I came back. It wasn't until she was gone, that I realised just how big a part of my life she was. Maybe she could continue on for one thousand years without me, no matter how much it hurt, but...I still don't know if I could ever rule alone without her..."
Don't show weakness. Stay strong!
"I just feel..."
Don't cry!
"I can't..."
Don't!
Princess Luna began to cry. She covered her face with her hooves and leaned on the podium. The crowd remained quiet, and their immortal alicorn ruler just sobbed into the microphone.
"I miss you, Tia..." she whispered, "Don't leave me alone...please come back...please?"
But the white marble tomb stayed silent.
***
One day later...
***
Second stepped outside. Below him, lined up in the street, were the squads of ponies in multicoloured power armour. Gathered around them, he could see a number of other ponies all present and waiting for orders. Ancient Tome, Iron Hoof, Frosty Morning, Night Shroud, Commander Bullseye, Dr. Apocalypse, a few dozen Knights of Man, and the doctor's four favourite unicorns all waited for his order.
"We are ready," Second announced, "We shall march on Canterlot today! The plague that now flows through my veins will be spread, and an army of the dead will rise to heed my call. They will cut a great swathe across this land, Equestria will burn, and Princess Luna and her Elements of Harmony shall fall! On this day, we bring the end of the world as we know it!"
"YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
The knights and armoured ponies all cheered and whooped. Out of all of them, only the Brotherhood of Man seemed unenthusiastic, and looked to each other nervously.
"So let us go, my minions! Now we fly! To Canterlot!"
The pegasus ponies all spread their wings, and the unicorns in the group all partnered up with an earth pony as their horns began to glow. Second walked down the steps to the Cathedral, and stopped in front of the Butterfly squad.
"You ready?" he asked the squad leader.
"I...think so, sir," Silver Vein reported.
Second gave her an evil grin.
"Good, because I've always wanted to do this."
Without warning, he jumped into the air, and the pegasus grunted in pain as Second landed directly on her back, just on the saddle. He yanked the reigns that had also been fitted onto her armour, causing her to rear up.
"HI HO SILVER AWAY!"
END
Author's notes:
I'm thinking I should start adding an ending theme for all future chapters. What do you guys think?
As usual, apologies for lateness, but I'm doing exams right now. I'm doing better than I thought I would actually, but hey. The next chapter may also be delayed, but once May is over, I should be getting back to a regular schedule.
Inb4 complaints about the lack of Celestia. Soon, I promise.
Next Chapter: FUCKING ZOMBIES BRO.