Punch sh*t
Get fit
*punch crack*
"Owww! Why the buck did I do that?" you whine as you hold your front hoof in (more) pain as you stupidly punched one of the stone pillars holding up the bridge. Suddenly your stomach growls again and...
you read that wrong's comment
You frankly don't remember any castles being out here. But if it's abandoned, then you may have just found the perfect place to hide. Heck, if you find your hive, you're sure the queen wouldn't mind an actual castle to rule in.
Also, if you need to go to any nearby settlements, you'll need some sort of currency. That castle might have some valuables to steal. Also, it might have food inside.
You realized that you where once more lost, or even more lost than before.
"Great." you mutter to yourself, "At least that Rainbow pegasus could've gave me an idea where to go, but now I'm even deeper in this gorram forest with an abandoned (and possibly haunted) castle in the middle of nowhere."
Your complaining is interrupted when you notice that some parts of the old castle tower easily towers over the treeline of the forest.
"Hmmm... I could take a page out of the book of Assassin's Vow and use those towers to scout the area. Hay, I could probably turn one of the rooms into an emergency safehouse. Hay, I think I just found the Queen a new cas-"
Your stomach growls again and your body aches again from that nasty tumble-fall.
"Or find something to eat and treat my injuries with. Now to get across this... old... bridge..."
Now you weren't afraid of heights or anything, but long falls (and especially the sudden stop) do intimidate you and you couldn't even see the bottom of the huge chasm. Sure you tested the bridge, but after seeing a plank fall off it and into the abyss and NOT hearing it hit the bottom you start to notice how old the bridge looks. You can see where parts of the rope were starting to unravel and the wooden planks have evidence of termites.
Ignoring your hunger and injuries, you sit down and begin to think;
Let's see...
A. I could just fly over it... But seeing how I couldn;t even glide to the next tree without tumbling through the forest (you think my wings would've healed by now), No.
B. Walk painstakingly slow over the bridge... And possibly end up plummeting when I'm halfway across the bridge and it breaks...
C. Do the exact opposite of B and just dash across it and hope it-
Suddenly you swore you heard the feral growling of a pack of Timberwolves who as far as you could tell where kindly suggesting that you take plan D:
*zip*
Run for your bucking life across the bridge or get mauled to death.
1 Minute Later
You find yourself in front of the door of the castle, breathing heavily as your legs ache. You risk a look back and see a pack of Timberwolves cautiously pawing at the rope bridge.
Deciding that staying outside probably isn't the best option, you open the door and enter...
You enter the castle, surely I can get love in this dark, spooky, forgotten castle, you think to yourself.
After entering it, the door closes behind you, and you see a pedestal. You remember that it was the pedestal of the Elements of Harmony, and ignore it for the time being. After all, stones cannot love, even if they would be here still.
After wandering around for a while, you reach a library. You try to take the nearest book and read it, but... it seems like the hoofwriting is really old. Like, so old you cannot even read half of the letters!
You go back out, and look down the slimy, disgusting hallway filled with...
No Chrysalis-thrilled backflipping way!, you exclaim mentally, SPIDERS! Spiders are living things, therefore they can love, and therefore I can eat their love!
You pounce on them, squeeing happily and causing them to run away.
"Oh", you realise, "They can easily see I am not one of them, and flee. Chucks to be me."
all you can think of is that one odd changeling with the orange mane who played that weird indie game. What did he call it? Castle Thrashers? Something like that. Well him and all the classic horror movies you used to watch.
You: Why did all the classic monsters movies happen in old castles? Was this one of them? No real lakes or lagoons so I should be safe from an amphibious assault. But what of the vampires and werewolves? Or worse, what if i find a courtyard? Those always have statues. The last thing I need to find is a Weeping Pegasus Statue. (One of the few things you and that other game-loving changeling used to watch when you could slip away for a bit.) Well, I better be cautious all the same no telling how old the place is or if there are any traps set ou*whoosh*
You manage to activate a trap, making you slide down into what looks like the castle's basement.
When you step into the castle, you see an... odd structure that looks like a large stone orb with various branches holding more stone orbs that have gem-shaped compartments.
"Must be what they call 'abstract' art." you snark as you move on because you can't get love or food from stones. As you take more steps forward you think,
This feels alot like that Castle... Thrashers? Crashers? Mashers- that game that clumsy quarter-breed orange-maned changeling (if I could only remember his name...) played in Canterlot... Even though he was supposed to be helping the rest of us intercept the Elements of Harmony
As you frown at the memory of that clumsy fool are about to mentally debate if he was foolish or lucky, the door suddenly slams shut behind you on it's own. After staring at it in shock for a moment you say to yourself,
"Oooo-kaaay... Now this is starting to feel like those horror flicks instead."
You consider just reopening the door and getting the buck out of Dodge, but then you hear Timberwolf howling outside and move on. As you cautiously explore the castle you start calling upon your knowledge of horror move tropes,
I'm about 35 percent sure this place isn't actually haunted, but the other 65 percent is not so sure. For all I know there could be zombies, or vampires, or Teenagers and a Talking Dog in there. Let's see... No lakes or lagoons so I should be safe from an amphibious assault. Don't have any alcohol, drugs, or promiscuous mares with me (although I almost wish I had some right now) so that rules out copy-and-paste slashers. But there could be vampires and werewolves or even zombies due to the castle environment-
You stop when you notice how eerily quiet it is in the castle.
As someling with stealth experience, "too quiet" is never good. Better stay in the middle...
On that note, you step towards the middle of the hallway, cautiously away from walls and doors that could suddenly have a weapon stab through them as you continue to review horror movie survival tips,
If I were being truly smart, I wouldn't be exploring and investigating, but I'm hurt, hungry, and alone behind enemies lines so I have to do that... Okay 815, main priority is food, medical supplies, and maybe a map. NO messing around with books, artifacts, peepholes, foals, the elderly, and especially twins...
You shudder at the thought as you turn a corner.
Wait, what if i find a courtyard? Those always have statues. Why did all the classic monsters movies happen in old castles? Was this one of them? The last thing I need to find is a Weeping Pegasus Statue. (One of the few things you and that other game-loving changeling used to watch when you could slip away for a bit.) Well, I better be cautious all the same no telling how old the place is or if there are any traps set out- Oh hello...
You stop when you see an interesting-looking vase on a pedestal in the hall. Suspecting something, you grab a nearby shard on the ground and throw it at the vase. When the shard hits the vase, a pair of large hammers slam down from the walls onto either side of the vase.
You smirk in satisfaction as you step forward and say,
"Gonna need to try harder than that to get the drop on m-"
*whoosh*
Suddenly you step on and activate a trapdoor, making you scream as you fall and slide down. However, the jolt of that sudden fall jogs your memory and the first thought that runs through your head is remembering an important detail about changeling physiology...
As you explore the castle in search of a love source, you suddenly remember that changelings can survive on love alone, but they can also temporarily compensate with large amounts of food instead. They can also invoke "Burning Love" to quickly heal injuries if they eat alot of food. This really doesn't help your situation considering you still can't find any food, but it's always a good idea to remember something that could save you some hassle in the future.
Wait, I remember! Love is our primary life-sustain-er, but we can also heal ourselves quickly and even use special moves at the cost of quickly using our love suppl-
However, this first thought (*1) is quickly interrupted by a second thought,
Oh horseapples, Wall!*slam*
When you groggily get back up, your aches now returning, you see a slimy disgusting hallway filled with...
No Chrysalis-thrilled backflipping way!, you exclaim mentally, SPIDERS! Spiders are living things, therefore they can love, and therefore I can eat their love!
You pounce on them while squeeing happily, but this action causes the spiders to scatter and flee.
"Do'h!" you exclaim as you land on your face and realize that the spiders can clearly see you are not one of them. As you get back up with intent to keep wandering, the jolt of slamming into the floor jogs your memory and you remember another important detail about changeling physiology,
While we can normally survive on love alone, we can also use large amounts of food instead to compensate. Seeing how burning love can be heal me quicker, I can heal if I find enough to eat!
With that thought in mind, you turn a corner find a mysterious door with a worn out sign reading,
Roy-- Pant--
You cock your head in confusion at the thought of a pony named Roy having a whole room full of pants so you open the door in curiosity and find...
BrownDog77 Comment
A pantry full of dust. As you search this pantry, you don't find a single pair of pants, but you do find several food items which must be at least centuries old and spoiled. Fortunately you found a few items that haven't spoiled because they are incapable of doing so; Some pots of honey (labeled "Hunny" for some reason), a large box of wrapped sugar cubes named "Sweet Chariot", a dozen large cans of beans, and a large crate full of wrapped Glorious Golden worth-roaming-a-zombie-apocalypse-for Twinkies.
Deciding you need some substance first, you grab a can of beans... Only to realize that there isn't a can opener in sight,
"NNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!" you scream to the heavens. "MAH BEANS!!!" you yell as you start desperately banging the can against every hard object in sight.
Sad that you can't have the deliciousness, you give up and instead turn your attention to the sweets.
I'm 75% sure sweets can't spoil... or was that wine?
With a shrug, you grab one of the Twinkies, unwrap it, and scarf it down. Your eyes widening in delicious approval, you tear open 3 more, stuff them in your mouth, and chew as you open one of the pots of honey.
You dab a tiny bit on your hoof and taste. Your eyes widening again, your hunger takes control as you greedily stuff your hoof in and start shoveling hoof-fulls of the golden gooeyness into your mouth before just grabbing the whole pot and greedily lifting it above your head and just drinking the stuff.
You smack your lips in approval when your body suddenly aches in protest. Testing your theory, you focus on your aching front right limb which quickly becomes engulfed by a thin gentle green flame wave coursing through it. When the wave is over, your limb stopped aching and the bruises disappear, but you're also now hungrier.
"YES! It works!" you exclaim happily. You're about to dive in and devour the rest of the preserved sweets when you decided to test the "Sweet Chariot" sugar cubes. You unwrap one for the hay of it and pop in in your mouth.
As you chew, you open another pot of "hunny", unwrap two Twinkies, dip the pastries into the honey, and shove them into your mouth. However, what you don't realize at the time is that these were no mere ordinary sweets. These were sweets from a time before corn syrup. Honey made by the mighty Bugbear. Sugar cubes painstakingly hoof-crafted with the most perfect grains. Sweets meant to be consumed by the royal alicorn sisters. Sweets meant for gods.
These were super-sweets.
As you swallow the honey-coated Twinkies, your pupils suddenly dilate as the honey, twinkie, and sugar all combine in you and hit your system like a suicidal stockbroker landing on a new car you just bought that morning and hadn't insured yet.
Music is everywhere and everything is a happy and awesome candyland.
Actually, you're just high on sugar, but you don't notice (or give a buck) as harp music starts playing and you hear one word repeated angelically,
Sugar
You just can't help but sing along,
Everything is sugar, everywhere I see!
Everything is sugar and that's quite alright with me
A large apple falls on your head and breaks in halves (one candied, the other caramel) that land in your hooves before you throw them into your mouth before you continue skipping.
I am a bug with hungry frame,
I can't explain,
You bump into a large living jar of sugar who you bow politely to as it responds in kind; taking it's lid off like a hat as sugar pours out and you get caught up in it like a slide.
Why everything will be changing whole,
to the favorite snacks of many foals.
Can you?
You land on a giant drill and then start tunneling through the massive sand dunes of sugar and candy.
Everything is sugar, I can't get enough
Of lots and lots of jars and jars of sandy sweety stuff
Oh what a sight, oh what a dream
Down in a wonderful, sugarful stream
You sing as you see slinkies made of twinkies, shanties made of candies, and lies made of pies(*2).
Tunneling in the sugar, tunneling far and wide
Open up my mouth and let the sugar pour inside
Sandy or gooey, but very sweet
Eat and eat, then repeat.
Suddenly the drill transforms into a giant cruise ship made of candy corn.
Suddenly I'm in a sugar boat,
It doesn't matter where we float!
The candy corn cruise ship hits a giant sugar crystal causing it to break in half and sink. You then find yourself dancing with a bunch of sour gummy sailors of various half-and-half colors.
Cus' everywhere is honey, there's the candy crew!
They're just made of sugar so I guess I'll eat them too!
You viciously pounce on one of the sour gummy sailors and tear its head off with your teeth before devouring it.
If everything is sugar, and I am what I eat
I must be made of sugar...
Suddenly you are angelically levitated into the air.
And life is very sweet!
With that you dive off and land on a red-maned alicorn as you declare,
"THE FUTURE IS IN THE PAST!!! ONWARDS FAUSTICORN!" as in your mind you ride the Pony deity through a rainbow universe of countless movie references...
HOURS LATER
"Uuuggghhh...what the buck happened?" you wonder.
You find yourself on a large ancient bed with a empty pot of honey on your head, a massive headache, and your eyes won't stop twitching. You see that you have spilled bean juice and some honey all over your belly and torso and that you're clutching a snapped off spear tip that you appear to have used as an impromptu can opener.
"Where in the buck did I get this spear?" you wonder as you get off the bed and see the room looks like a sugar-high tornado tore through it as the floor is littered with mutilated cans of beans, Twinkie and sugarcube wrappers, and several empty bottles of wine.
"Woah! I don't remember drinking th-*blech*"
Fortunately, that burp brought back the horrible bitter aftertaste of the wine.
"Blargh!" you exclaim in disgust as you start to dig around the trash and find an unwrapped Twinkie which you savagely tear open and shove in your mouth to get rid of that bitter wine taste.
"Huh, Kingstallions was right, Twinkies do go great with Chateau d'Yquem." you comment as you start exploring the bedroom...
As you explore what looks like a old bedroom, you come across a worn out Saddlebag. It has a few holes here and there but besides that is looks to be in pretty good condition. You decide to bring it along with you in case you find something valuable or cool to take with you once you leave the castle.
When you open the closet, the first thing you see is old saddlebags on the floor. Upon closer inspection, you find that outside of dust and a few tears, the saddlebag is in good sturdy condition and somehow feels larger on the inside so you put it on,
"Saddlebag" acquired
You then explore the rest of the closet. You mainly find dresses and corsets that are much too big for you, but when your eyes lay on a hat, you just freeze.
In your years of watching movies and serials, you have become familiar with many iconic hats; Zorro's sombrero cordobés, Heisenburro's pork pie, Sherclop's deerstalker (even though he barely wore in in the books and was mainly popularized by Basil Wrathbone-But I'm getting off topic), Daring Do's fedora... But only one hat has always stood out to you most.
"A Bowler Hat!" you cry out as you grab the hat and blow off the dust.
Ever since seeing Stanley Kubit's masterpiece A Clockwork Coconut (especially when those Canterlot snobs tried to ban it), you've loved the iconic, round, and practical design of the old derby. As you feel the black felt hat with fine orange silk lining on the inside, you noticed that it also feels reinforced at the brim(*3)-
"No gorram way! Just like Oddjob!" you comment as you place the hat upon your head before walking back into the room and dusting off the mirror.
As you admire your new hat, you pretend your spear tip is a cane and speak to your reflection in a creepy Trottingham accent,
You then throw the hat in an attempt to richochet it around the room-
*CRASH tinkle*
...but you just end up breaking the mirror.
"D'oh!" you exclaim as you brush the glass shards off the Bowler and put it back on your head.
"Oh well, at least I have an awesome hat, and as everyling knows, if you have an awesome hat, you can never die. Real horrorshow..."
With that you look around the room and start putting supplies into your Saddlebags.
"Let's see... Can't stand the taste, but winetasting is a large industry plus ponies seem willing to spend all their bits on old wine for some reason. Gonna need food for the road so I better grab some beans. Sugarcubes? Hmmm... Would make a nice snack to ronch on."
"Old Bottle of Wine"
"Large Can of Beans"
"Box of Sweet Chariot sugarcubes"
added to Saddlebag
After getting what you could need from the room, you leave to explore the rest of the castle...
But yeah you get to the Castle and after all your high jinks you start thinking about what to do, If you could get some form of tolerance from the ponies not only will you survive longer but maybe even start a new life altogether, But how?
*Ding*
That's it If you could make deal or prove your safe then maybe they'll take pity on you, the only real problem is the guards. If you could get around them then you'll be okay, and the only pony who can do that is Princess Celestia's student; You think her name is Twilight Sparkle, From the general Information you DO remember she prides herself on her intelligence, So... a game? You search the castle for something to help your problem and find the following:
(1) Instruction and Strategist's guide To Chess
(1) Strategy guide to Risk
(1) 52 Deck of Cards
And $50,000 worth of Poker chips
As great as these are you need something a bit more to your style so it's fair, and for once in your Life of poor luck you get a Freebie as you rummage through an oddly moon themed Dressers, you find a familiar deck of cards, of course it's not your deck and it probably belonged to someone else, but, as silly as it may be, you do believe in the Heart of the Cards and you hope this belief will save your life
As you continue to cautiously wander the castle avoiding traps (your Bowler hat quickly proved it's worth when it protected you from a flamethrower trap), your mind follows suit,
You know... being completely cut off from the Hive isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe if I can find some way to get the ponies to like (or at the very least tolerate my presence enough so they don't squash me on sight) me, I could survive alot longer. Hay, I could even start a new life! But how...
*Ding*
That's it! If I could prove I come in peace, maybe they'll pity me- Wait, guards... Gorramit. If I could get around them then I'd be in the clear. I think that purple unicorn could do so, what was her name...
You stop to rack your brain for what the debriefing said about her,
"Oh yeah. Twilight Sparkle; Element of Magic and leader, Princess Celestia's student, originally from Canterlot, younger sister of Equestrian Royal Guard Captain; Shining Armor, neat freak, powerful magic potential, NOT a vampire, prides her intelligence, so... A game?"
With that you cautiously step into a room and find a broken drawer. After checking for traps, you start to rummage through it,
"Lets see... Instruction and Strategist's guide To Chess, strategy is more of the Queen's thing. Strategy Guide to Risk, never could get into that game. Small metallic gold wristband, dibs! Oh, a Deck of Cards."
Holding the Deck of Cards triggers brief memory fragments of a mission in Las Pegasus where you were undercover as a dealer. You look through the cards and see that it is a standard 52 deck, but it has an extra Ace of Spades card.
"Fascinating." you comment, "Ace of Spades is the highest card so this could be a lucky sign."
With that, you put the deck away as you put the extra Ace of Spades card in the side of the hat band of your Bowler before putting on the wristband on your front left forelimb.
"Deck of Cards"
added to Saddlebag
As great as these are, you need something a bit more to your style so it's fair so you continue to wander the castle...
When you stumble across a old looking armory, you see some pretty looking baseball-sized orbs that look like they have thunderclouds stuffed in them. You pick one up to get a closer look at it, and you see what looks like a actual storm inside it. You look at it in amazement when suddenly lighting strikes in the orb. This freaks you out enough for you to accidentally drop one which shatters and demonstrates that it IS a stormcloud and it produces a flashbag like effect. After you walk around blind for a few minutes, you take the remaining five storm could orbs to use for later.
In the lower quarters of the castle, you come across a broken door leading to an old armory. Most of the armor and weapons are far too old and rusted to be of any use to you, but you find a tiny pile of baseball-sized orbs. You pick one up and dust it off to see that it looks grey and smoky on the inside with frequent flashes of light, almost as if someling stuffed a thundercloud into an orb.
"Horrorshow- Do'h!" you accidentally drop the orb which shatters on the ground releasing a blinding flash of light and a deafening crack of thunder, causing ringing in your ears and blindness. Fortunately, you calm down long enough to concentrate on your head which then heals as a gentle green flame wave passes through it, restoring your sight and hearing to normal. However, you still find your vision blurred as the armory is now filled with a gray cloud.
"Huh... Who knew flashbangs/smoke bomb hybrids existed back then." you comment as you use your touch to locate and put the rest of these Thundercloud Orbs into your Saddlebag and then proceed to painfully stumble your way out of the cloudy armory (fortunately, your Bowler Hat stops any daggers and blades that fell on your head when you blindly bumped into a shelf).
4 "Thundercloud Orbs"
added to Saddlebag
As you traipse through the castle, you try to forget the legends you've been told. Of a creature, mysterious, a remnant of a darker past. The Pony of Shadows.
Meh. It's day time. It doesn't come out in the day.
Wait. What was that? A shadow, darting by in a corner. Was that your shadow, or was it something else...
Hehe. Ghosts aren't real. Demons aren't real. You're just getting all worked up over nothing. Hehehe.
Hehehe. Hehe. He heheheh ha ha! Hahaha ha hoo hoo! Hehehoo ha! HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO!!!
A being of shadow slaps you. You shake your head vigorously, before turning to the dark shape. "Thank you. I needed that."
"No problem," the shape relplies. "Now leave me alone. I'm trying to get some sleep."
As you traipse through the castle, you try to forget the legends you've seen adapted in movies. Of a creature, mysterious, a remnant of a darker past; The Pony of Shadows.
"Meh. It's still sunlight, everyling knows monsters prefer the night."
Suddenly you sense something darting in the darkness, but when you snap your head in its direction, there's nothing there,
"What was that? Probably just my shadow. Or was it something else... Heh. Ghosts aren't real." you dismiss, "You're just getting all worked up over nothing from too much time in this castle. This dark, abandoned, ancient, boobytrapped, castle when the sun is setting. Hehehe. Hehe. He heheheh ha ha! Hahaha ha hoo hoo! Hehehoo ha! HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO H-*smack*!!!
Suddenly a being of shadow snaps you out of our delirium with a slap. You shake your head vigorously, before turning to the dark shape and saying,
"Thanks. I needed that."
"Keep it down," the shape replies gruffly. "I'm trying to get some sleep."
With that, the shadow being disappears. You continue walking before you stop and shock and whip your head back.
"Wait was that... Nah, low blood sugar is probably playing tricks on me..." you convince yourself as you unwrap and ronch on another sugar cube as you keep moving. More cautiously this time...
As you search through a old library you come across a book called "The Dao of the River" written by some pony called Starswirl. Unlike most of the books in the library, this one is still pretty readable. From what you can read from the opening it's about how normal ponies or creatures can use this inner energy called "Chi" to preform magical like moves. You read one of the moves from it called Force Push (telekinetically/telepathically push target away from you) but you comment on how hard it is to actually use these moves.
You also happen to step on some decaying book. You pick it up and see it's called Kung-Fu For Dummies Vol. 2 . You can barley read anything it says, but you manage to make out one of the moves called Chain Punch (Rapid punches to one spot). You put the book into your saddlebag in hopes that you can try to make out some more of it later
After wandering around for a while, you reach a library. You try to take the nearest book and read it, but... it seems like the hoofwriting is really old. Like, so old you cannot even read half of the letters!
We now find you in the library. You attempt to scour the books for information, but unfortunately most of the books are either written in an ancient hoofwriting prose or worn away. You could barely read anything! However, one book manages to catch your eye,
"Kung-Fu For Dummies..." you read the title outloud, "Horrorshow!"
Being a fan of old-school Neighponese chopsocky flicks, you excitedly open the book hoping to learn something like the "No Shadow Kick" or even the "Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique", but you find the book only has two remaining pages.
"D'oh!"
You're about to put the book back when you spot another (the Kung Fu book having put you in a Neighponophile mood) book spine that intrigues you,
"The Dao of the River by- Starswirl the Bearded!"
You know that name. He is supposedly one of the most powerful and wisest magic users who ever lived. Hay, it's even rumored in the Hive that his very blood flows in the veins of the Queen. You grab that book and read the back which says that Starswirl the Bearded spent some time in Neighpon where the locals were able to channel their "Chi" (their term for what we call magic) to achieve impressive feats and he wrote down what he learned.
You take both books to the nearest dusty table and begin to read and learn...
TWO HOURS LATER
"Okay... 42nd times the charm..."
With that you focus intensely on the book shelf in front of you before throwing out a hoof while declaring "Force Pull!". On cue, the books in the middle of the shelf where you pointed fly out of the shelf and land right in front of you causing you to declare
"YEAH!! Success! Fina-bucking-ly..."
It would turn out that The Dao of the River book is a very hard read. It was written over a millennium ago so not only does it have old Equestrian syntax, but Starswirl also wrote it in a difficult prose that uses alot of large words, occasional philosophical musings, and some Neighponese words thrown in too. You were just barely able to figure out how to channel your "Chi" to pull distant objects towards you.
Fortunately, the Kung-Fu for Dummies book was a much easier read. The remaining pages only had one technique on it, but it was a technique you were able to pick up on after practicing on a nearby suit of armor; "Lin Wan Kuen" or Chain Punch.
As the Queen once said, "Sometimes quantity is a quality of its own".
"The Dao of the River" book
added to Saddlebags
Learned "Chain Punch" (rapid barrage of punches to one spot) and "Force Pull" (short range and requires concentration)
As you practice your two new techniques, you can't help but comment,
"I sure am talking to myself alot more. I probably sound like one of those characters that does nothing but spout exposition because the writer is a hack who can't write for-"
Suddenly you punch yourself in the face.
"Ow... Why did I do that?"
Shrugging that weirdness off, you notice that the sun is starting to set so it would probably be best to find a secure place to sleep in this castle, but suddenly you hear from the front of the castle,
"Squad, halt!"
Intrigued by this action, you discreetly head towards the entrance area. From your hiding spot, you see a squad of 7 ponies cautiously entering the castle. While training has taught you that the Equestrian Royal Guard have armor magically modified to give them all a uniform appearance (either white or dark grey) you can tell that of the 7; 2 are Pegasi, 2 are Unicorns, and 3 are Earth Ponies.
"With all due respect Lieutenant, what are we doing in this abandoned castle?" an Earth Pony guard asks.
"You all heard that commotion earlier Corporal!" the Unicorn Lieutenant responds, "It is our duty to investigate these ruins for anything unusual to suppress and report back to base."
"Like changelings?" one of the Pegasus guards asks sarcastically.
"No, the tooth fairy- Of course changelings you featherbrain!" the Lieutenant snaps.
"This is, what? The 300th changeling hunt you've lead us on? Lieutenant, that other changeling incident in this forest was a long time ago." the pegasus says.
"You mean that orange-maned changeling that attacked the Elements of Magic and Honesty before disappearing into the woods?" another Unicorn Guard asks.
"No no no", the earth pony Coporal corrects, "My brother was there and he said the changeling threw dirt in the eyes of Miss Sparkle and then fled with two squads in pursuit. He said the changeling almost evaded them at the Two Seasons path, but then it blundered into a campsite where a Diamond Dog was cooking where its mane was set on fire when it stumbled into the campfir-"
"Ouch!"
"But wait, I'm not finished yet; The changeling then stumbled off a cliff where he bounced off of every jagged rock before his back slammed into a rugged boulder with a crack, then a pack of snarling Timberwolves appeared, and then..."
"Sweet Celestia!"
"So... you think he's dead?" one of the pegasi snarks only to get slapped upside the back of his head by the Lieutenant.
"What did I say about sass Private?! But that is just proof that there could be more changelings hiding in this forest and it is our duty to hunt down and catch these pests in the name of the Princess! Now split up and investigate the ruins as I guard the front entrance!"
As the Guards fan out to search the ruins, one thought goes through your head,
Curse you 9001! Even in death you still buck things up for the rest of us!
WHAT DO YOU DO?!
