No Horse's Sky

by Good Christian Ethesto


Stinky Wiener Farts

All alone, and with a puff of steam, Twilight Sparkle disconnected her synthetic wings, letting them fall limply to the floor in her library house. That's right, they were fake all along. She just used them to trick the other ponies into making her a princess. It was all a clever ruse. A devious smirk stretched across her face and she couldn't help but cackle maniacally as she thought about how her scheme had payed off.

"No one could actually become a princess just by making friends, that's stupid," she explained to her books, each a vessel for the souls of her old enemies. "Now, I wonder what's for dinner."

Her legs twisted at her side, devoid of joints like the tentacles they are as they coiled into rough circles. Then, spinning the ligaments in her four shoulders she scooted across the floor, rolling her way into the kitchen. Impacting a chair and coming to an abrupt halt, she voiced her concerns to her young, dragon slave. "Me hungry, me hungry!"

Spike, her dragon slave who was currently young and tiny but would someday grow up and devour his cruel mistress, simply nodded his head, knowing better than to speak. He had already prepared dinner, knowing that Twilight Sparkle would be demanding it, and he brought it over to the table for her.

Twilight Sparkle's eyes lit up, the ball of uranium that composed her frontal lobe giving off a faint glow of excitement as she gazed at her next meal. "Fruit bats, my favorite!" she screeched as she began tearing the small, fruit mammals to shreds with her incisors.

It was at this point that Rainbow Dash burst her way through the kitchen window, shards of glass bouncing harmlessly from the ponies' padded exteriors. "We're Smelly Farts Poopy Butts Twilight and you need to fix it!" she explained.

"That explains everything," Twilight Sparkle replied as she nonchalantly levitated her wings from the other room and reattached them. "I knew something has smelled bad my whole life, and it turns out it was ponies all along."

That's when Noman decided to make his appearance, smashing through a nearby window and joining the two ponies in the kitchen. "Wow, a new species!" He quickly scanned Twilight, noting that she was a horned variant of pony.

"They're called 'alicorns'," Rainbow Dash explained, dredging up her vast pools of knowledge.

"Oh, oops," said Noman embarrassed. He'd already submitted his own name for them. "I thought 'Stinky Wiener Farts' would be a good name for them so I submitted that."

"Aw jeez," Rainbow Dash cried, bashing her face in with her horse fists and giving herself a black eye. Now she had one red eye and one black eye. Yikes!

"Who dares interrupt my dark feast?" Twilight wondered trying to send out her own magical scan only to have it disrupted by a scan from Noman.

"I'm Noman, don't scan me pls," he introduced himself.

"I'm the all powerful, Princess Twilight Sparkle," she humbly replied, letting him know right off that bat that she was in charge around here. "So what, pray tell, are you supposed to be? Some sort of giant, mutant leprechaun or something?"

Noman was quick to shake his head and wave his hands in a clear 'no' gesture. "No way man, not-uh. I can assure you with 100% certainty that I am, in fact, an ordinary human. Don't scan me."

"Oh, a human, okay," responded Twilight, quite aware of the species that was responsible for the near-extinction of most of the Everfree forest's wildlife.

"Fix it, Twilight!" butted in Rainbow Dash, who quickly spat into Twilight Sparkle's mouth to transfer information to her.

"I see," she said, smacking her lips. "So how much do I have to pay you to change the name of our species to, say, Twilight Sparkle's slaves, for example?"

Noman laughed, voiding his lungs of laugh gas as is normal. "I assure you, it's not a matter of money. It's simply impossible. Once the names are submitted they are final. Not even a hundred explorers could change them! Now I just have to get back to the terminal in my space ship and transfer the information to the Evil Galactic Council and everything will be complete."

"So, you say you haven't submitted it yet and you have an advanced space ship out in the woods? That's very interesting," she purred because ponies are part cat. "And what would happen if you were to, say, meet a tragic, horrible end out on an alien world like this one?"

Noman shrugged, "Well then my information wouldn't be submitted I suppose. That sure would suck. Then I wouldn't get paid for discovering these new species."

"Did you say, 'payed'? What kind of currency are you talking here?" Wondered Twilight, dollar signs in her eyes as her Jew blood began to boil. If one were to look closely, they'd spot the scales at the top of Twilight's neck, carefully covered in makeup.

"You know, the standard space currency; Space Dollars."

Then Twilight got an idea. An awful idea. Twilight Sparkle got a wonderful, awful idea. "Why don't you show me this space ship?" As she finished she erupted in laughter, evil schemes marching through her brain like an army of giant, radioactive rubber pants.

"Yeah alright," talked Noman, "what could possibly go wrong?"