//------------------------------// // Three Trials? // Story: The Merc With the Moth // by Tatsurou //------------------------------// Cable did his best to blast the enemies that kept showing up as he waited for Deadpool and Chrysalis to arrive. As he fired away, he idly wondered what was taking so long, when he heard a strange voice reciting poetic fiction. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son. The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jub Jub bird, and shun-" A massive dragon burst through the wall into the massive chamber. "-the frumious Bandersnatch!" the dragon finished as it exhaled a fireball that incinerated several enemies. "Hey look, it's Cable!" Deadpool shouted out from atop the dragon's head. "Hi Cable!" Chrysalis shouted out, waving. "Don't eat him, Conny!" she instructed the dragon. Cable could only stare. "...what the fuck, Wade?!" he demanded. "She wanted it!" Deadpool replied. "How could I say no?" Cable shook his head, deciding not to question that part. "...Conny?" "We thought he was British at first!" Chrysalis explained. "Then we realized he's voiced by Sean Connery!" "It's the Dragonheart dragon!" Deadpool called happily. "...reciting Jabberwocky?" Cable asked in disbelief. "The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!" the dragon roared as it tore several enemies to bits. "Out of order," Cable clarified. "He left it dead, and with its head, he went galumphing back!" Deadpool scratched his chin as he watched the dragon - under Chrysalis' player controls - rip the enemies to shreds. "How did High Moon pay for all this? The copyrights and the special effects?" "Chrysalis' agent took over the financial side of the game," Cable explained. "Both paying for everything and negotiating for the rights to use various things." "I'm still surprised we got the rights to Jabberwocky and Dragonheart," Deadpool pointed out. "I mean, some of those people are quite stubborn-" "As I understand it, anyone who refused to sell got eaten," Cable explained. "Since this meant Yog-Soggoth absorbed their essence, he got three judges to rule that, legally, he was those people now." "Really?" Deadpool asked in shock. "As I understand, the three rulings went, 'Oh god, please don't kill me I'll say whatever you want', 'The eye of your skull holds the secret', and 'Hoyo!'" Deadpool blinked. "The last judge was Kirby?" "Apparently, he felt a kinship with Yog-Soggoth in this regard," Cable explained. "There were a few complaints at first, but immediately after anyone heard them, the complainers promptly changed their tune...and turned pink." "O frabjuos day! Calloh! Callay!" the dragon proclaimed as the last enemy fell. For no apparent reason, it then proceeded to dance the futterwacken. Deadpool stared in shock. "...did Yoggy eat Tim Burton?" "Maybe Yoggy is Tim Burton!" Crazy suggested. "...I'd buy that," Stuffy admitted. Cable decided, for the sake of his sanity, not to question anything involving an Elder God, Deadpool, or Chrysalis...listed in reverse order of insanity. "At any rate, we need to stop Clone-Face! He's-" "Doing crazy things with the balance of life and death which threatens the stability of the space-time continuum," Deadpool replied. "Lady Death already told us. Also..." He pulled his mask up. "Apparently, Chrysalis thinks this is the face of a father, too!" "Daddy!" Chrysalis called out. "Put your face back on before Conny mistakes you for carrion! I'm not digging through dragon poop to put you back together!" "I...take it a lot has happened, then?" Cable asked. "You betcha!" Deadpool thought for a bit. "Hey, Chrysi! Can I borrow your mecha T-rex?" "Her what-" Chrysalis promptly pulled her mecha T-Rex - last seen out of her saddlebags on her first day of school, and about the same size as the dragon she was now riding - out of her bags and dropped him next to Deadpool. "Mount up!" she called out. "But call him by name!" "Right!" Deadpool shouted as he leapt to the Rex's back. "Ride on, Sparky-Sparky-Boom-Boom-Dino!" The T-rex roared, and the two beasts began their forward march. Shortly, they reached a gate sealed with three statues. Lady Death was waiting for them, dressed more normally. "Atop this platform are three statues," Death explained. "Choose one, retrieve the spirit, and bring it here." "Oh, this part's...kinda fun," Deadpool replied, reminiscing. "Couldn't we do this another way?" Chrysalis asked. Death paused. "Well, if you could mystically draw the spirits into the statues..." A to have Deadpool do the trials. B to have Chrysalis try magic. "Wait, what now?" Stuffy asked as the control option popped up. "If the players push A, Deadpool will clear the trials like he did in the original game, while we fight off the enemies attacking the gate with Cable," Stuffalis explained. "If they push B, Chrysalis will attempt to draw the spirits." "B!" Crazy voted. "B," Stuffalis added. "B!" Cray-Chry voted eagerly. "B!" Chrysalis voted. "...even if I wasn't voting that way, it's already 4-2," Deadpool pointed out. "Then lets make it unanimous for the novelization," Stuffy concluded. Smiling, Chrysalis focused her magic. A green glow filled the chamber, and the air seemed to hum. Before everyone's eyes, three spirits flew towards them and circled the glow. "Wow," Deadpool pointed out. "Didn't expect it to work so-" "You must answer we, these questions three, or on the other side she shall be!" Chrysalis proclaimed in three voices that were not her own, her eyes glowing white. "...and now Monty Python?" Deadpool demanded in surprise. "This is getting obscure." "What is your name?" the voices demanded, Chrysalis looking up at him from her sitting position. "Do they mean 'Wade Wilson' or 'Deadpool'?" Cable asked. "Neither," Deadpool replied firmly. "They're talking from Chrysalis' perspective. My name is 'Daddy'." Chrysalis smiled, and one of the spirits entered a statue. "What is your quest?" "To stop Clone-Face?" Cable suggested. "To restore the balance of life and death?" Lady Death offered. "Nah," Deadpool replied. "I already did those in the solo campaign." Grinning, he knelt down to Chrysalis' level and stroked her mane. "My only quest now is to have fun with my little girl...and to be a good father to her." Chrysalis' smile widened as the second spirit entered its statue. "What is the average velocity of a migrating swallow?" "I know this one!" Cable points out. "You're supposed to ask African or European!" "Nah!" Deadpool countered. "The spirit asked velocity, not speed. And it's supposed to be an answer true to me and Chrysi!" Pulling out his shotgun, he cocked it. "The answer is 9 meters per second per second...straight down." The final spirit entered its statue, and Chrysalis leapt into Deadpool's arms, snuggling in as the catacombs began to crumble from the energies of the three spirits properly harnessed.