A Lesson in Kickassery 101
We stayed in Fillydelphia one more day, but having discovered all we could about the Elements of Harmony and their Guardians in Canterdam Castle we decided to set out back for home in two days’ time. The day before we were to leave, I awoke to Sweetie Belle tucked away under my wing, smiling away. She had really taken a shine to me since I helped her get her cutie mark, humming the day away yesterday as we worked our butts off to discover more about Crystal Fist, the Elements of Harmony, or anything having to do with dimensional travel. Since I had already been assigned the Humility bit, the other eight – Razortongue, Emerald Thunder, Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, Canuck Chuck, Boomdrop, Derpy, and Scootaloo – had to contain the remaining six Guardians. Razortongue wasn’t willing to accept fillies as a part of the legend, automatically assuming Keytap to be the sixth, but I had learned long ago not to doubt the strength of a child in crisis. I was fully open to the possibility of Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and/or Sweetie Belle being just as important to this mission as any of the elder ponies.
We had calculated that even keeping a good pace, it would take us ten days to walk from Fillydelphia to Ponyville, four of which would be spent traversing the dread Everfree Forest. At first, the Cutie Mark Crusaders had quite a bit of objection to the journey, but eventually they were brought around to realize it was the only way to rescue their beloved families.
We prepared a lot that final day. The cooks whipped up a storm of grain cereals, water containers, and various other kinds of fruits and vegetables. Apple Bloom, Razortongue and Canuck Chuck began construction of two carts to haul all of our goods, which Emerald Thunder and Razortongue would be pulling. Sweetie Belle, Boomdrop and Scootaloo worked at cleaning up the castle with the hired hands. Emerald Thunder, Derpy and I went around town to fetch whatever supplies were needed. Unfortunately, due to Derpy’s klutzacious tendencies, we lost two fridges, a bunch of carrots, some peas, a couple cases of juice, and eleven different bags of oats, but in the end we didn’t mind. Everything otherwise went well and we all crashed in bed early that day, anxiously awaiting the journey back home which would begin tomorrow.
However, about midnight, I woke up to some light hoof-clops and a creaking door. Since Razortongue’s room was on one side of mine and Sweetie Belle slept on the other, though as I sat up I noticed the filly had once again taken residence in my room, this time on a couch that bore a striking resemblance to Rarity’s, I gathered whoever was up wanted to see Razortongue.
Soon, a coltish filly’s voice mumbled something, and Razortongue joined in. I knew eavesdropping was a bad habit, but I wanted to know what they were talking about. I created a telepathic link between myself and the two of them to listen in.
“-my cutie mark?” Scootaloo asked.
I had missed the start, but I could still gather what they were talking about.
Razortongue chuckled. “Filly, you ain’t got no fuckin’ worries about eventually finding your damn cutie mark. I can help with some things, though. I noticed you were pulling some sweet shit on that scooter of yours. Damn, if I could do some of that stuff, I’d be rockin’ the fuckin’ stunt circuit by now instead of playing in a fuckin’ dead-end band. I could build you a fuckin’ half-pipe if you like. We have room in one of the damn carts for the shit we’d need to build it, so I could even make it fuckin’ portable and stable.”
“But I want to find my cutie mark!” the ochre filly exclaimed. “I don’t want to play with my scooter.”
The firebrand Earth pony spoke again. “Sometimes your fuckin’ cutie mark’s eluding you because you haven’t done the shit you need to yet. Other times it’s slapping you right across the damn face and screaming, ‘Holy fuck, you crazy bitch! Why the hell aren’t you paying enough damn attention to notice me?’ I think in your case it’s the second type of cutie mark. Same with Apple Bloom, the way she took over that damn cart-building project yesterday. Seems like she fuckin’ lives to build shit.”
After a few seconds of silence, Scootaloo replied. “So, you think my scooter is my calling?”
“You can eat my fuckin’ shorts if it’s not,” Razortongue said. “I’ve watched you a couple times as you practice on that thing. It’s almost like its fuckin’ glued to your blasted hooves!”
Scootaloo’s voice brightened. “Okay. Can you build that half-pipe for me? I want to try it out.”
I didn’t need to hear the rest of the conversation. I relaxed my magic and let the spell fade to nothing. I knew what was coming, and smiled as I attempted to slip into slumber.
But I couldn’t.
I grumbled a bit before cooperating with my restless mind and getting up to walk out. I checked up on Sweetie Belle and found her to still be asleep. I jotted a quick note, saying I would be flying around and tacked it to the door. I cracked open a window. The chilly night air swept across my body, layering me in a few quick, invigorating shivers and erasing the agitation I had experienced just moments before. Taking a deep breath, I plunged into the blackness, catching an updraft on my wings and soaring into the sky, ‘running’ up a nearby wall and leaping into the pool of stars. I looped back and closed the window before disappearing into the black void.
The light of the sun was just beginning to show itself over the edge of the horizon. The air was still fresh with morning dew, which I transformed into a trail of thin clouds as I brushed by. I was simply circling near the castle, enjoying the rising of the sun, despite the ever-present threat of overcast skies. I tucked myself into a forwards somersault, then banked and barrel-rolled, popping a cloud that had crept into my path.
Soon, I was joined by the flapping of other wings. I looked up and to my left as Boomdrop gracefully floated down to my level. We offered some morning greetings to each other as we continued on a lazy figure-eight flight pattern over Fillydelphia.
“Well, today we leave this city,” I said.
Boomdrop nodded. “I’m excited to head off to Ponyville,” she said with a slight smirk. “I’ve never been in the valley beyond Everfree.”
“Oh?” I asked. “You’re going to see a gorgeous little town.”
“I hear it’s a town where you can see Canterlot from,” she said. “I always wanted to go to Canterlot, but my mom would never take me there. We never did have the money.”
I banked and she followed suit. “I’ve asked everyone else about your background, but not many people know about it. What’s your story, anyway?”
Boomdrop looked down at the castle below, then straight forward. “I was born in the dregs of Manehattan to an alcoholic prostitute. I was abandoned to find my own way when I was just seven years old. I wound up joining a gang of militaristic pegasi called ‘Black Silver’, becoming their best hitman. My codename was ‘Purple Ghost’ – named because I could swoop down from the sky, snap a neck, and take off without being caught, even in broad daylight. With my help, Black Silver quickly rose to dominance among the gangs of Manehattan, even expanding to chapters in Fillydelphia and Baltimare.
Around this time, I was the head of the Manehattan chapter, while my boss moved to head up the fledgling division in Baltimare. I bucked up an operation so badly that Manehattan’s Black Silver wanted my head. I heard that Fillydelphia had recently cleaned out Black Silver from its’ city, so I fled here. I met Razortongue, found the drums, and have lived here in silence ever since.
My actual name isn’t Boomdrop. That’s my stage name. It’s-”
Suddenly, the air was peppered with flying magic waves.
“Oh, shit…” Boomdrop said. “They’ve found me.”
“We can’t stay here any longer,” I said. “We have to leave now.”
“You fly to the castle and get everyone out,” Boomdrop ordered. “I’ll follow when I’ve dealt with these guys.”
I wasn’t sure if she could as she let out a resigning sigh. The last comment I heard from her was, “Death, why do you torment me?” as I flew away.
I broke the window in my room, shocking Sweetie Belle awake.
“Sweets, sorry, but we’ve gotta get out of here now,” I said, levitating the unicorn and kicking the door down. I bellowed, “Everyone, up and at ‘em!” just as the castle was struck with a large, violent magic ball.
The building shuddered. Within seconds, every pony in the castle scrambled to the library.
“What’s goin’ on?!” Apple Bloom nervously asked. “The earth jus’ shook!”
I looked at Razortongue, mortified. “Boomdrop told me her history.”
She stared at me bug-eyed. “What!? We’ve been fu-”
Another massive blast hit the castle, destroying the room where Sweetie Belle and I had been sleeping just minutes before. Explanations would have to wait – we quickly gathered what we could, hitching up the Earth ponies, and took off away from the castle and dodging magic blasts along the way.
Razortongue shouted, “What the fucking hell is going on!?”
I called back, “Boomdrop’s old gang in Manehattan wants her dead.”
We quickly dodged several blasts. Scootaloo was buzzing along on her scooter when the earth blew up just under her. Thinking quickly, she deflected three remaining blasts at pegasus-mounted unicorns by corkscrewing the handle of her scooter in midair, knocking them from the sky. She landed after doing a little backflip. We dodged their bodies and continued on our trek, winding our way out of Fillydelphia. A brief moment in time allowed for Razortongue to continue her questioning.
“What… the fuck… was she… doing in a bloody gang?” she asked, still running but very obviously out of breath.
“She had no home,” I relayed. “She had hoped to come here to esc-oh, scheiße!”
The ground rapidly blew up in front of us like machine gun fire. Part of a cart was blown through. Razortongue screeched. We ran underneath the Second Wall. We needed to find a place to hide, beyond the reach of unicorn magic and pegasus wing, a place where we could rest for a bit.
I heard a scream from the back of the pack. Derpy was being assailed by three thugs! I upended myself and flew upside-down to her rescue. Joined by Canuck Chuck, we battled it out with the thugs fighting Derpy. I engaged with one, ramming headlong into my opponent, knocking the unicorn over and away from poor Derpy. I snorted. My opponent stood, wobbly and semi-conscious, but he shook it off and charged, generating a magic blast as he did so. I generated one of my own, ready to defend Derpy with my life if necessary. I heard Canuck Chuck and Derpy fighting their foes. A whole bunch of hoofsteps joined us. Soon there was an all-out brawl in the street – the eight of us tangoed with eight thugs clad entirely in black. I clearly heard Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, Razortongue, Emerald Thunder, Derpy Hooves, and Canuck Chuck duking it out with different enemies, each of us holding our own as much as possible.
My opponent and I stared each other down, now able to focus exclusively on each other. I flared my wings and released my blast. The unicorn charged forward, releasing his as a shield. Anticipating this, I dropped into a low kick just as my blast exploded harmlessly against the wall. I took his hooves right out from under him, sending him collapsing to the earth. I quickly swung a rear leg around, barely missing his horn, connecting solidly with his head, knocking him unconscious.
A loud scream tore across the battlefield. I looked around to see a thug descending on Sweetie Belle. He had thrown her into a corner hard enough to dent a nearby wall. I quickly bolted for the newly-marked filly, not stopping for an instant to check on anyone else. I quickly leapt for my target, bringing my full weight to bear on his back, and adding the press of a strong wing flap for good measure.
“You are-” STOMP “-NOT killing her today!”
I felt a couple bones snap as two ribs and a leg gave way. My new opponent let out a savage yelp and tried to scramble out from under me. I got off and levitated him off the ground, bringing him around to face my eyes.
“Get your friends and get out of here,” I said.
He stared at me, pure fury in his eyes, unspeaking. With a great grunt, I threw him down the road. He rolled a couple times, then crashed into a stack of unbalanced wooden crates which collapsed on top of him.
I looked around the battlefield. Slowly, everyone was fending off our assailants. The other Cutie Mark Crusaders had held off their opponents quite well, and now had assistants of their own. Razortongue had made quick work of two thugs, now setting into the one attacking Scootaloo. Canuck Chuck had wiped out Derpy’s opponents and was now defending an incapacitated Apple Bloom.
I was glad I had more friends with me – I would’ve hated seeing Apple Bloom die that day.
I took some time to check up on Sweetie Belle, who was crying. I levitated her, wrapping her in my wings and holding her tightly, cooing comforting things to this battered sister of Rarity’s. The pain on her face was immeasurable. It was both psychological and physiological – bruises and scrapes were everywhere. I held her there for a while, rocking her as she shook and cried into my chest.
Slowly the chaos of the battle left the field. I stood up and turned to the former brawl, looking around and smiling. We had all survived. I began to check up on others, still holding the shaking filly in my wings. Canuck Chuck and Scootaloo were reliving the fight exuberantly, still feeding their excitement. Razortongue, carrying the unconscious Apple Bloom, and Emerald Thunder were grinning relieved smiles at each other. Derpy was crying, but more out of relief than anything. She, surprisingly, wasn’t scared. We were surrounded by eight unconscious or dead thugs.
“We better skip town. I don’t think we can ever come back,” Razortongue said somberly.
I shook my head. “We’re not leaving without Boomdrop.”
“What!? You’re fuckin’ kidding me!” Razortongue shrieked. “We just about had our damn asses handed to us on fuckin’ silver platters with our choice of spices and cider and shit, and you want to fuckin’ stay and save Boomdrop?!”
“Only one fate will befall her if we do nothing,” I said. “I can’t let that happen.”
Razortongue fell silent.
I sighed. “I don’t like the idea of continuing the fight either, but in order to get back into Ponyville, we need to bring Boomdrop with us. Nobody will believe you’re Dashcore without Boomdrop.”
“Fuck…” Razortongue said, defeated. She knew I was right. She sighed. “Okay, so where do you think she is?”
“Typically, if a gang wants to be rid of someone, they go to an old, abandoned warehouse complex, harbor, field, or something similar and do their dark deed there,” I said.
“So we have to go get her,” Emerald Thunder said. His squeaky voice utterly betrayed his size. It caused me to nearly burst out laughing, but I held it together.
I nodded, still with a smirk on my face. “Yes. We need to get her.”
“So who do we take?” Razor asked.
I looked at Scootaloo, and noticed an addition to her flank. The brawl had earned her cutie mark – a bent scooter held in the iron grip of a human fist.
She was a scooter-bound fighter.
I laughed. I knew her cutie mark was something having to do with a scooter, but I had no idea it would be so militaristic. Then again, the way she had handled her scooter in that fight was remarkable… what I saw as I was fighting, anyway. I saw her complete these things: she deflected three magic lasers with the bottom of her scooter, she spun her scooter around and gave her foe seven hits, then spun herself around atop the handlebars while keeping the scooter planted and knocked him over, she delivered a powerful top-speed buck as she launched backwards off a ramp into Apple Bloom’s original foe’s head, and finally she used Canuck Chuck as a pivot point and tail whipped over two other foes.
In short, she was hella badass with that scooter… far more than she ever realized.
“I’m not going into that brawl without the best damn fighter in this squadron, period,” I said, indicating Scootaloo and making sure she heard me.
“What?!” she shrieked. “I didn’t fight anywhere near as good as you, Zytharros!” she insisted. “I… uh… I just…” She began getting flustered.
I shook my head. “No, Scoots. You outfought us all. Your cutie mark is proof of that.”
Scootaloo whipped her head to the side, shocked I had said what I did. I felt a shuffle as Sweetie Belle looked out of my wings at her friend.
“What is it?” she asked, confused.
I smiled. “It’s a scooter held in the iron grip of a human fist.”
“No… Fu-cking… Way…” Scootaloo said, staring at her flank in pure awe. “It’s far more awesome than I ever could’ve imagined!!”
I smiled. “You have so much control over that scooter, you ran over four guys in the time it took me to run over two. You kicked supreme ass out there.”
The rest of our party agreed, even Derpy. We stared at the filly in awe. Sweetie Belle leapt out of my wings to congratulate her friend. I was grateful – they had gotten quite tired from holding the little filly for so long. I stretched them as Razortongue continued.
“So we take Scootaloo,” she confirmed. “Who else is coming?”
Derpy and Sweetie Belle shook their heads.
“I’m not fighting again,” Derpy acknowledged.
Sweetie Belle echoed her sentiment. “I’m no fighter. I’ll stay with Derpy.”
“Apple Bloom’s better left to rest with them,” I said.
Derpy plucked the filly from Razortongue’s back.
“Emerald? Chuck? What about you?” I asked.
Chuck smiled in a cocky manner and telekinetically replied, “Canuck Chuck is a go. I’ll find her so fast you won’t be able to notice I’m gone.”
Emerald shook his head. “Nope.”
I nodded. “Then you guys head back to camp. Find a spot outside town. I’ll send Canuck Chuck back to find you when we’ve rescued Boomdrop.”
Sweetie Belle’s eyes teared up. “B-but… what if…”
“I’ll be fine,” I said, hugging the filly with my wings when she ran to me and nuzzled my leg. “We’ll be back.”
We walked away, our party divided in two pieces. I walked into another war alongside Razortongue, Scootaloo, and Canuck Chuck. Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, Emerald Thunder and Derpy Hooves returned to the abandoned camp to find a pace of peace outside the city. I didn’t know how foolish this was. I didn’t know what was waiting… but I didn’t care. Boomdrop was not dying on my watch.
Images of Applejack’s fall flashed through my mind and I snorted angrily.
“You’re coming home, Boomer,” I muttered.