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// Derpy Hooves 
// Story: Ponyville confessions 
// by Lunaexcelsior 
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So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes a very intriguing pony, Derpy Hooves.

Now Derpy is known by many names around these parts such as “Muffins” and “Ditzy Doo”, but I know I call her Ms. Hooves. Plus, due to her condition, calling her Derpy would just seem a bit off to me. 

She is a well meaning mare, but sweet Celestia and Luna is she dumb. I am not trying to be mean here, but if a brick and this mare entered a thickness contest, the brick would lose on the spot. 

And to top it off she is one of the most incompetent mailponies I have seen. I mean, I had a friend sent me a message and the damn pony ended in Yak Yakistan three days later.

Anyway, she trots in and sits by the bar.

“Oi, Ms. Hooves”, I said to her kindly, “Will you be having the usual?”

“Yes”, she said, “One muffin, please.”

“Coming right up”, I said and took out a trey of freshly baked muffins. Why are you surprised? This is a bar/restaurant after all. Just because all of my past customers tend to get drinks, doesn't mean we don't serve food as well. I mean, it's not as good, but hey, at least we try.

As she is sitting there I notice a very important looking mail in her hooves. It was coated in diamonds and on the envelope was written 
“Urgently deliver to princess Celestia”.

I hand her the muffin and she delightfully eats it.

“Ms. Hooves”, I began, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but what is that envelope over there?” I said pointing my hoof at the mail in front of me.

“What envelope?” she asked. I almost facehoofed at that one.

“The envelope in front of you”, I said .

“Oh that”, she giggled, “That’s just some old stuff. I mean I had it with me for three months now.”

“Three months?!” I exclaimed.

“Yupers!” she said with a smile.

“Don’t you think something titled ‘Urgently deliver to princess Celestia’ would take priority?!” I asked her.

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

“Look at the envelope on the desk”, I said.

“I am pretty sure you’re worrying my dear Angelo”, she said and looked down at the envelope. Suddenly she gasped in horror.

“Oh no , oh no, oh no!” she began to yell “This is just awful! I must have given Princess Celestia the wrong envelope! I really need to get my act together”, she almost cried.

“Hey”, I tried to console her, “It’s an honest mistake.”

“No, no, they’re definitely going to fire me for this! Oh why am I so stupid!” she began to slam her hoof on her head.

“Hey don’t do that”, I said, stopping her hoof, “Look, I am sure if you hurry up, you can get the letter to Celestia if you hurry!”

“Right!” she said with determination “I am going right now!” 

“Wait you forgot to - -“ I tried to tell her she didn’t pay me, but I let it go. That pony has enough problems of her own as it is.

A few days later, I found out that the letter was delivered safely. Apparently, it was a diplomatic letter that could have endangered the entire peace of Equestria if not responded to. Why they gave it to Ms. Hooves, I will never know.

You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.