//------------------------------// // Chapter 2: Friend... // Story: Friendzoned: A declassified survival guide // by Marshall_Evergreen //------------------------------// Suffering in silence is a lonely and harrowing path Know your friends. Talk to them and confide in them But only those who are worthy of your trust More than anything, it is vital you know friend from foe on this journey. There are those who will stand by you, There are those who will stay loyal to honesty alone, These you can trust. It was a wet and humid morning, just right for staying inside. Luckily, neither Discord nor Soarin had any prior engagements that day, so were obliged to swing 'round to crash and hang out. As usual, Spike was the youngest in his close group of friends...or at least, friends of the male variety. Soarin was a year or three older than him and Discord... Well, frankly old Dissy could be anypony's great-great-great-great-great-great-grea... But being a dragon, Spike figured that age really had no bearing on his relationships with other people. He aged and matured differently from ponies and therefore couldn't feasibly be restrained by their views on age. Twilight would have scolded him for 'denying fact', but he wasn't denying it! Merely being picky about the reality he accepts. But the point is, despite all odds, the three had become inseperable. He'd also known Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash for longer than they had, so that probably helped in the bonding process. "So I'd say by your rather poinient expression, something's troubling you?" Hissed a sly voice from behind him. Spike swiveled around to find Discord and Soarin both standing by the wall. Discord looked as he normally did; evil. And so did Soarin for the most part. Judging by the fact that his mane was disheveled and he looked as though he was about to vomit, Spike would have said that Discord had chosen to teleport rather than walk. "Didn't your mother ever tell you to knock?" Spike sneered. "Oh, I'm sure she did at some point. That is, before she left me to fend for myself in the desert for a century or two. But I never bothered. Neighbors weren't that friendly anyway." Discord smirked with mock-indignation. "And what about you buddy," Spike inquired, "Did ol' Dissy here say apparition would be fun?" "He didn't say anything at all..." Soarin grumbled. "Yes, well sooorrryy I wanted to get us here quickly. Plus, it's absolutely dreadful outside." Discord disappeared, then reappeared beside Spike, apparating in a cloud of pink smoke. Seeing the book resting in Spike's loose grip, he snatched it quickly and began to read. "Hey!" Spike said in useless defiance. "What in Tartarus," Discord sputtered, "Spike, what is this?" "Give it back!" Spike cried leaping up repeatedly to try and wrestle it from Discord. But this was no good, it only got Discord more interested. If Spike was so desperate to keep something from them, then it must be juicy blackmail material! Smiling deviously at what he had concluded, Discord tossed it lazily over to Soarin, where it slid across the floor until coming to rest at the Wonderbolt's hoof. Spike stood frozen, petrified with fear. Discord loomed over him with a toothy grin, waiting to find out what new 'dirt' he had acquired on Spike. Soarin looked down and furrowed his brow. "Friendzoned: A declassified survival guide." He read aloud before looking up, a confused look plastered to his face. Spike inwardly groaned as his shoulders slumped down. Discord's hands flew, one across his stomach and the other to his mouth, in a classic 'I'm totally not laughing right now' pose, as he released a torent of muted snorts and chuckles. "Hey, isn't this one of those books from the 'Dummys' collection?" Soarin questioned, "Ya know, like, 'Maths for Dummys: maths made so simple that a dummy could understand'...something like that?" Discord couldn't contain himself. He doubled over and roared in laughter as he rolled on the floor. Spike stood with fists clenched and red in his cheeks. "Oh! Ohohoho, Spike you are a hoot!" Discord wheezed, "Are you seriously reading this yak manure?" "Yes!" Spike cried definantly, "Because nothing else works! I've tried doing chores, I've done favours for her. I compliment her everyday, I even volunterily reduced myself to a living pin-cushion! A PIN-CUSHION!" "Didn't you choose to do that all though?" Soarin asked. Spike heaved a heavy sigh as his friends looked on expectantly. "Yes..." Spike muttered weakly, "but I thought...I thought it would get me somewhere. Yeah, I did it out of love, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't do it in the hopes of her returning my affection. The worst part is that I don't know how to stop that! How do I stop expecting a reward. Rarity owes me nothing, but still...there is some part of me...guess I'm just selfish on the inside..." No one said anything for a moment. Discord and Soarin were still processesing what had been said, and more importantly, what they would say in response. How does one stay loyal whilst being completely honest? Finally, Soarin broke the brief silence. "You should just ask her." Soarin put bluntly. "What?" Spike said in blatant fear. "Oh come now Spike, Soarin's right." Discord said, releaved that Soarin had spoken up. "But..but." Spike quivered weakly. "Look bro, the 'Friendzone' doesn't exist. All it is, is a mental block. You think she only likes you as a friend, but you're just playing childish games in the hope that she asks first. You have to get out of your comfort zone and PLAY TO WIN!" Soarin exclaimed. "Indeed, this game has gone on far too long." Discord agreed wholeheartedly. Seeing both of them were right, Spike desperately racked his brain for any form of escape. Or at least a way to stall the inevitable. "Let's see what the guide says." Spike suggested. Discord rolled his eyes. "Stalling the inevitable is stupid, Spike. You need to get this over with. You're only torturing yourself." "It won't hurt to look." Spike tried again. "Alright then." Discord grumbled. Your friends cannot decide your course of action on your behalf, but they can certainly influence it. Brother, Know that there are only two escapes. Ask her out Or Give up and move on. But how you choose to approach these options is what will determine your immediate fate. Turn to section 2 for tips on 'Asking her out'. Turn to section 3 for tips on 'Giving up'. See Bonus section for tips on 'Moving on'. The three sat in a circle around the book, studying the tips in section 2. Spike sat huched forward, most intent on finding a solution. Soarin appeared to be distracted by something else, while Discord played the part of 'cynical accomplice'. "Uugghhh! None of these tips are any good. Spike, just accept the fact that you'll have to ask her!" Discord cried in annyoance. "I intend to. But first I need a game plan." Spike said. "A game plan?" "Yeah. Like Soarin said, I need to play to win! I can't do that without a game plan. I'll get her attention with some well planned strikes and then deliver the final blow!" "Yes...that or 'strike out'." Discord gruimbled. "Haha", Spike put sarcastically, "just you wait. Everything will work out." "So your gonna ask her?" Soarin perked up. "Soon. Very soon." "So what's the plan?" Operation: get Rarity to notice Spike so he can can ask her out is a go! Step 1: Stakeout. Know your target. ...totally not stalking. This is completely different. At sugar Cube Corner, the girls were enjoying a couple drinks around a table. Rainbow and pinkie were laughing while Twilight and Fluttershy were held in their own conversation. Rarity was drinking daintily from her mug, while Applejack just sat smiling at the group. It looked like a usual, friendly get together. The kind that Twilight often pined for. Then Twilight, having finished speaking with Fluttershy, turned to Applejack hoping to include her in the conversation. "So, Aj. How was the book?" Twilight asked with a mischievous smile. Applejack seemed to choke a bit on her drink, "S'cuse' me?" This drew the attention of everypony else around the table, who stopped to listen. "You know, Friendzoned: A declassified survival guide? Have you read it?" Rainbow Dash snorted in amusement. "Wait. Applejack borrowed a book on the friendzone?" She then rolled her head back in laughter. "Oh, come now darling. Don't be so rude," Rarity scolded, then moved a hoof to cover her mouth, "though it is slightly amusing." "See! Even Rarity thinks it's funny!" Rainbow yelled obnoxiously as Rarity tried to restrain her giggles. Applejack was red from embaressment and anger. "I'll have y'all know," Applejack began boldly, "that book wasn't fer me!" "Then who was it for?" Twilight asked, worried that the book may no longer be in Applejack's intrusted possesion. "Mah sis." Applejack grumbled. This only earned more laughs from Rainbow Dash and a couple adoring 'Aawwws' from around the table. "Then why didn't she come herself?" Twilight asked. "I suppose she was too embaressed to ask," Applejack thought out loud, "Somethin' about school?" "OhmegoshOhmegoshOhmegosh," Pinkie squeeled excitedly, "a school pony crush!" "No, it wasn't like that," Applejack said sternly, "She seemed a bit more confused about the term 'n' all." Twilight's smiled widened. "Then it was for research purposes?" She asked hopefully. Applejack shrugged undecidedly, "S'pose so." Twilight threw her hooves into the air triumphantly as she exclaimed, "AT LAST! At long last, the library has fulfilled its purpose!" Excusing this as just one of Twilight's 'excitable outbursts, the others continued to converse. "I think it's understandable. Going to school, one normally finds themselves learning a new piece of social terminoligy each day." Rarity contiued for the conversation's sake, "Why, just the other day, Sweetie Belle was asking me what the 'friendzone' was." Fluttershy chose this time to enter the conversation. "What's the friendzone...um, that is, if you don't mind sharing?" She asked softly. Rarity opened her mouth to speak but she was quickly cut off by Twilight. "The friendzone refers to the group of people, one considers to be friends with and nothing more. Though the term is used when said friend wants to be in a relationship, but the other only considers them a friend. Thus, to escape 'the friendzone' the either try and make a move or they give up and move on." Twilight smiled, content with her answer while all her friends simply stared at her. Then, Rainbow started clapping her hooves slowly. "Fillies and gentlecolts, the dictionary on legs!" Rainbow said gesturing flamboyantly towards Twilight. "Also, it's very popular in internet memes!" Pinkie contributed cheerfully. "What the hay is an 'internet'?" Applejack asked, one eye brow raised in a bemused fashion. "Applejack, Darling. Don't. It's just Pinkie being Pinkie." In a corner of the cafe, sat three shadowy figures, dressed in scarves, trench coats and fedoras. All of the them holding up newspapers to conceal themselves, all of them listening, watching, waiting. The middle newspaper lowered to reveal Spike, his eyes concealed under the brim of his hat. "What do you guys think?" Spike asked conspiratorially, adressing the two figures beside him. "Boring," huffed a second voice, "The 'Foal free press' has stooped once again to an all-time-low." "No. Not the paper. The girls!" Spike hissed. Discord lowered his newspaper to rest his head on his paw. He blew out of his bubble pipe in frustration. "They aren't doing anything! And I think Soarin's asleep." As if in response, two snorts came from the third figure, who was slouching in his seat, as his newspaper fell from his limp hooves. Spike groaned and massaged his temples with his claws. "What are we doing here anyway, Spike?" Discord whispered. "We're looking to see where and when my best chances to strike big with Rarity are. What's the best time of day to see her? What's her day been like? Stuff like that." "Why don't you just ask her that?" Spike looked disgusted at the thought. "No! That's stupid. Small talk like that just makes awkward situations." "Spike," Discord said in a measured town, "We are currently stalking six young mares, two of which are already in a relationship with fine gentlecolts of a high standing." He glanced over at Soarin, who snored again, before continuing. "Well, at least one of them is in a relationship with a draconequus of high standing. We are dressed in the most conspicuous clothing in a town where no one wears clothes, and you are suggesting that merely asking her about her day is 'too awkward'?" "Well, when you put it like that." At that moment, Rarity got up from the table. Nodding her goodbyes. Spike quickly brushed off Discord's comment. "Target's on the move!" "Soarin, wake up you dunderhead" Discord hissed hitting him over the head. Soarin's head moved forward and came crashing down onto the table. He jumped up before grabbing at his forehead. "Discord! Wha...Ooowww! What the hay?" Soarin cried out, in a delayed reaction. "Target's on the move, look sharp soldier." Discord said nonchalantly. Spike turned to both of them. "So we're moving too. Discord, BAMF us out of here." Discord hugged them together, preparing to teleport. "Gladly", he said smirking. Soarin struggled desperately. He felt the familiar tense sensation in his chest as a ringing filled his ears. Not again. NOT AGAIN! He opened his mouth to cry out, but it was too late. Discord, Spike and Soarin had teleported leaving only a pink cloud of smoke and a dank smell of brimstone.