'And now we move on to Vandal Cartman 'Vinny' Napoleon. He was always a party animal sort of guy, who always like to do the stupidest things just for the fun of it. To that end, he is without a doubt the most immature of us besides Caboose. Rarely does he ever take anything seriously, with the exception of his mafia duties, but even then, he still acts like a wise guy. A prankster and a slacker at heart, he liked having fun, and helping the rest of us have it too, even if we don't want to.'
'To that end, he started brewing his own wine. It was just a minor hobby at first, but when he gained his Cutie Mark after making his first vintage (and subsequently drinking pa's wine to celebrate and going on a smashing spree through downtown Roam), he knew he had found his true calling. While not as smart as Lars, he can easily make any kind of wine or alcoholic beverage by simply mixing things together, and having us, his self-proclaimed 'guinea pigs' to test them out. Part of the time, the concoctions turns out to be awful and we are desperately trying to get the bad taste out of our mouths... but most of the time, the drinks turn out to be awesome, and Vinny would then save it for the parties he would throw. And speaking from experiences, his parties are pretty... how they say it, 'rad' and ever so memorable... if it weren't for the huge hangovers most of us would get.'
'But of course, he also had skills in the family business. While decent in close combat and with crossbows (though not to Murray or Salt's level), he was more of the guy who rallies up the troops. His outgoing and boisterous attitude often helped our mafia men get into the swing of things, and he does know how to make one heck of a Molotov's cocktail. Unfortunately, since this is Vinny, his attitude has always been a big problem. He always seem to find the wrong thing to say at the wrong time, and he says the most obscene things. Like this one time, when dad had an old friend from Griffonstone over. Vinny outright asked him if the first Griffon was the result of 'a lion humping an eagle'. Dad's friend wasn't pleased, and neither was Vinny when dad grounded him for a month.. It goes without saying that he gets into trouble very often... and that brings us to this one instance...'
In the back alleys of Roam, Vinny was being pursued by a quartet of irate mobsters, all decked out in trenchcoats, panting and hyperventilating as his pudgy body and hooves struggled to stay ahead.
"Get back here, Napoleon!" The biggest and burliest of the four (A dark blue Earth Pony stallion) yelled.
"Sorry, I'm in a rush... to live!" Vinny yelled back, as he raced through the alleyways.
"Split up!" The brute yelled. "Don't give him a chance to slip away!"
The others followed his lead, each taking a different in the labyrinth-like back ways of Roam. Vinny knew those streets like the back of his hoof, but even he couldn't be in many places at once. As he made one turn, he saw one of the mobsters (a mud-brown Pegasus) blocking his way.
"See ya!" He yelped, turning another way.
As Vinny tried to find an alternate route, he found his way blocked by the others, an indigo Unicorn and a chartreuse Earth Pony.
"Nope!" Vinny gasped as he doubled-back.
As Vinny turned to the right, he almost run straight into the blue stallion.
"Got you!" The stallion snarled.
"Nuh-uh!" Vinny slid under the stallion's legs, and kept running. Just as he thought he was home free, the Pegasus flew down towards him. "Oh, come on!"
The Pegasus tried to grab him, Vinny dodged his lunge, and kept going, his pursuers right behind him.
Before long, they had him cornered in a dead end.
"Nowhere to run, Napoleon." The blue stallion growled.
"Aw, come on, Hammer Hooves." Vinny cringed. "Does it really have to be this way?"
"I'm afraid it does." Hammer Hooves snickered, as he and his accomplices advanced on him, "You really shouldn't have said those things..."
"Oh come on, all I said was you guys like chunky donkey gals." Vinny protested. "It's not necessarily a bad thing, y'know?"
"It is to us." The Pegasus growled.
"And speaking of 'bad things', a very bad thing is about to happen to you..." The Unicorn sneered.
"You know, this is all very petty of you..." Vinny cringed, as the mobsters advanced on him.
'I'm afraid I'll have to cut this scene short for now, as it would reveal information that must remain a surprise for later. I know it's a bit of a tease, but it's a necessary tease. Rest assured, we will get back to this later.'
'As for what is Vinny doing now, that we are revealed to be mobsters, he has joined Caboose and the others in moving to Canterlot with his marefriend, now-fiancé, Berry Punch, a mare who loved drinking as much as he did. While it would make sense for Vinny to move there, given how he is currently co-owner of Blazin' Blues, a tavern in which he saved from bankruptcy, I can't help but wonder why he would want to live in Canterlot.'
'It is certainly no secret that us Napoleons have a grudge with those who are rich and powerful. Yes, it does sound hypocritical, given how my son-in-law is a Prince, but I am more talking about those who 'lord' their wealth and power over others. Those who think that they have an entitlement to everything and that they are above those who are less wealthy are the kind of ponies that I personally cannot stand. As for Vinny, if he had his way, he would take his bat and cap every noble we had met in the knee that was 'mean' to him. Thus making it confusing that Vinny wanted to go to the place where there are many of those kind of ponies living there. I honestly don't know half the things that goes on in that stallion's head. Needless to say, when Vinny and Canterlot comes together... it sets the stage for this chapter's conflict:'
Chapter Twenty-Three: Vinny Versus Canterlot
One evening, in the ritziest side of Canterlot, Jet Set and Upper Crust, two of the snootiest ponies around, were sitting in their living room, doing what they did best; judging other ponies.
"I saw that Dove mare in the market today." Upper Crust told her husband.
"The new Captain's fiance?" Jet Set frowned. "The... ugh, stage magician?"
"That's the one." Upper Crust said distastefully. "She had that vile bird on her shoulders the entire time."
"Unbelievable." Jet Set scowled. "What Captain Ulysses sees in her, I'll never know."
"Yes, you'd think a stallion of his calibre would have better standards..." Upper Crust said dismissively.
Suddenly, their spiteful musing were interrupted by the sounds of laughter and loud music.
"What in the name of Celestia is that racket?" Jet Set asked.
"Sounds like it's coming from next door." Upper Crust frowned.
"Oh, don't tell me..." Jet Set groaned.
The pair made their way next door, where, as they suspected, some kind of wild party was going on. Several ponies was chatting and joking in the front garden.
"Mind the riff-raff." Jet Set sneered.
"Proletarian ponies." Upper Crust scowled. "They don't belong on our street..."
Trying not to look at the "common" ponies, Jet Set and Upper Crust marched up to the door. Jet Set knocked three times. Vinny answered the door.
"Hey, neighbors!" He smiled pleasantly. "Come to join the party?"
Vinny and Berry had only recently moved into the house, having used the money Vinny had gotten from his co-ownership of Blazin' Blues. Vinny would have been happy just bunking at the tavern, but an incident a couple of weeks back changed their minds...
Flashback...
Mist and Blue walked into the bar after closing time.
"Finally, a little alone time." Blue smiled.
"I'll say." Mist nodded. "Lucky for us, aunt Constell was able to babysit. It's just you and me now.""
"Oh, yeah..." Blue embraced her. "C'mere, baby."
As they pulled in for a kiss, they heard a grunting sound.
"What was that?" Blue asked.
"I think it's coming from the closet." Mist frowned.
They went to investigate. Blue opened the door, and they saw Vinny and Berry in a most... uncompromising position.
"Ah!" They yelled.
"Do you guys mind?" Vinny scowled.
"A little privacy, please?" Berry asked.
"Vinny, we've been over this." Blue groaned. "Just because you half-own the place doesn't mean you can use it as yours and Berry's personal fun house."
"Well, what are we supposed to do?" Vinny asked.
"Maybe get your own place?" Mist suggested.
"That's... not such a bad idea." Vinny mused. "This has been a pretty lucrative venture. I could buy us a big ol' house on the rich side of time.
"Ooh, swanky..." Berry smiled.
"As long as it leaves our closet unsullied, I'm all for it." Blue sighed.
Shortly afterward, Vinny and Berry had bought the fanciest house they could find, right between the abodes of Fancypants and Jet Set.
"What is this?" Jet Set scowled, as he and Upper Crust returned home to find Vinny and Berry moving in.
"Hi, neighbour!" Vinny smiled. "Vinny Napoleon here."
"And I'm Berry." Berry added.
"Jet Set." Jet Set said curtly. "And this is my wife, Upper Crust."
"Charmed, I'm sure." Upper Crust said humorlessly. "You two are moving in?"
"Oh, yeah." Vinny nodded. "Got into a bit of money. Decided to use it right."
"The nouvea rich." Jet Set scowled. "Bane of my existence."
"Well, hello, new neighbours." Fancypants emerged from his home. "A pleasure to meet you, Vinny."
"You know me?" Vinny asked.
"My son does." Fancypants smiled. "Luxury speaks highly of you, and enjoys your establishment."
"And I enjoy his patronage." Vinny smiled.
"I'm sure having you in the neighbourhood will certainly liven things up." Fancypants smiled. "Don't you agree, Jet Set?"
"Oh, yes." Jet Set said sycophantically. "It really will..."
The present...
"Not exactly." Jet Set said pompously.
"Then what brings you here?" Berry asked as she joined Vinny.
"We're here to lodge a complaint." Upper Crust scowled. "This party of yours is too loud!"
"Aw, come on." Vinny grinned. "We can't have a quiet party, now can we?"
"Seriously, lighten up." Berry added. "It's not like it's the dead of night or something. It's barely eight o'clock."
"The time is irrelevant." Jet Set spat.
"Then what is 'relevant', oh neighbour of mine?" Vinny asked.
"This is a respectable street." Upper Crust declared. "We wouldn't expect you to understand, considering your... roots, but this street is meant for the most dignified and influential of ponies. As such, it is no place for to hold parties with loud, raucous and uncouth guests."
"Says who?" Berry asked. "This is our house. If we want to have a party, and invite some friends, we can."
"Perhaps you could when you were living in your little hick town." Jet Set said sourly. "But this is Canterlot. Ponies in this town don't take kindly to the sort of rowdy, low-class ruckus you commoner traffic in-"
"Woo-hoo!"
Jet Set and Upper Crust turned around. To their shock, Fancypants was seen to be among the guests, dancing wildly with Fleur.
"Fantastic shindig, Mr. Napoleon!" He whooped.
"Best party I've been to in a long time." Fleur added.
"Woo-hoo!" Sapphire Shores whooped, having been invited by Fancypants and Fleur. "This is my jaaaam!"
"You were saying?" Vinny said smugly to Jet Set.
"...I was saying that you don't belong here." Jet Set growled. "You and your small-town girlfriend."
"Excuse me?" Berry growled. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Oh, I'm sorry." Upper Crust snorted. "Do you uncivilized fools need it spelt out for you? Riff-raff like you have no place in this neighborhood."
"This street is meant only for the most elite of ponies." Jet Set agreed. "Not some former mafioso and his wine-loving floozy!"
"Hey, watch it!" Vinny yelled. "You can insult me all you want, but not Berry!"
"Fine." Jet Set smirked. "You may have charmed Facnypants and the royal family, but Upper Crust and I both know the truth. You're just some vile criminal who bought his way to a house he doesn't deserve. And if it's the last thing I do, I'll see you ejected from this street."
"Come on, man, be cool." Vinny frowned, "Can't we just live in... live in... ham... harm..." He turned to Lars, who was standing upside down, taking part in a chugging' contest. "Hey, Lars! What's the word I'm looking for?"
"Harmony!" Lars answered. "Now please stop distracting me! I'm almost done!"
"You go, babe!" Lyra cheered.
"Harmony." Vinny smiled. "Can't we all just make nice with each other?"
"Hmph, as if I want to 'make nice' with the likes of you." Jet Set growled, "Shall we go, dear?"
"Oh, we shall." Upper Crust nodded. "Enjoy your decadent celebration."
"Fine. Your loss." Vinny glared.
"Not as much as it will be yours." Jet Set sneered, "Do note that your days here are numbered..."
The snooty pair stalked out of the house, shoving aside any pony who get in their way.
"...Wow... what a couple of bungholes." Vinny deadpanned.
"Should we be worried about what they said?" Berry asked.
"Nah." Vinny snorted. "I know their type. All bark and no bite. They're just spouting some empty threats."
"I hope so." Berry frowned.
"Now, let's get back to partying!" Vinny whooped. "Crank up the tunes!"
"You read my mind, Mr Napoleon!" Sapphire cheered.
The guest continued partying, Vinny, secure in his belief that things were fine, even more so. Unfortunately, it turned out Vinny was wrong. Barely an hour later, a pair of Royal Guards knocked on the door.
"Um, can I help you gents?" Vinny asked nervously.
"We've received a complaint about some noise at this dwelling." One of the Guards declared.
"Noise?" Berry frowned.
"We'd like you to dial it down a little, please." The second Guard added. "For the sake of everypony else on this street."
"You got it." Vinny nodded.
"And keep it down." The first Guard declared. "We'll be keeping our ears open."
"Of course." Berry nodded.
After the Guards left, Vinny grudgingly told his guests that they had to turn down the volume.
"Aw, what a gip!"
"Seriously?"
"Hey, don't blame us." Vinny declared. "If anything, you should blame Jet Set and Upper Crust. They're probably the ones who squealed."
"Oh, not those two again." Fleur groaned.
"We can't really hold it against them if they prefer things to be quiet." Fancypants said, trying to be calm and rational. "Even if calling in the Guards was an incredibly petty thing to do..."
"I don't know how we can stand living next door to them." Fleur scowled.
"I don't know how anypony can stand living in the same town as them." Lyra sneered.
"I concur." Lars slurred, his chugging starting to get to him. "Loushy plebian shnobs..."
"I'm sorry about your party, Mr. Napoleon." Fancypants apologized. "A restrained celebration is no celebration at all."
"Don't worry about it, pal." Vinny gave a firm nod. "Rest assured, I'm not taking this lying down. If those snobs want trouble, they're gonna get it..."
"Vinny, maybe you shouldn't retaliate." Berry frowned. "Or at least, don't be too forceful about it."
"Relax, babe." Vinny declared. "I'm not going to do much. Just inconvenience them the way they did me. Then we'll be even...but the big question is how..."
"Um, perhaps I can make a suggestion..." Fancypants suggested with a wry grin.
The next morning, Jet Set awoke, feeling quite proud of himself for his petty act of whistleblowing. As he stepped outside to pick up his morning paper, he saw that there were pieces of his hedgerow all over the front law.
"What th-?!" He spluttered. "Who did this?"
"Oh, hi, neighbour." Vinny suddenly emerged from around the corner. "Sorry about the mess."
"You cut up my hedges?" Jet Set asked.
"As a favor to Fancypants." Vinny said nonchalantly. "He told me your hedges were growing over his side of the fence. He figured you weren't much of a gardener, so he asked me to handle it. So I did, like the great neighbor that I am."
"Yes..." Jet Set scowled, trying to not lose his temper. "Now, may I suggest you clean up this mess?"
"Ooh, sorry, pal." Vinny shook his head. "Clean up's not my job, Besides, I gotta get down to the bar. But you can probably handle that, right? See ya!"
Vinny rushed off, leaving Jet Set greatly annoyed. Just then, Upper Crust's screech was heard.
"What happened to our lawn?" She asked. "What happened to our hedges? Our beautiful hedges!"
"Napoleon." Jet Set spat. "You've tangled with the wrong pony. You have no idea just how difficult I can make life for you..."
The next morning, Vinny and Berry were awoken by the sound of cracking stone.
"What the buck?" Vinny frowned.
"What time is it?" Berry asked drowsily.
"6:00." Vinny said blearily.
"Too early..." Berry sniffed, her face contorting as her nose took in a horrible smell. "Ugh, what is that smell?"
There was another cracking of stone.
"That's it." Vinny groaned. "I'm gonna find out what's going on out there."
"Wait for me." Berry declared, as they got out of bed.
As they exited their house, they discovered roadworkers excavating the road right outside their abode.
"What's all this?" Vinny asked the forestallion, a burly Earth Pony.
"Renovations, mack." The forestallion said gruffly. "We got word that this part of the street needed replacing."
"Word?" Berry asked. "Word from who?"
"Beats me." The forestallion shrugged. "I just got the call. 'Course, all this digging means the stink from the sewer will be driftin' up. But not to worry. We'll be done in about a day or two. Just gotta hold your noses."
"And ears." Vinny growled. "This racket woke us up!"
"Sorry, pal." The forestallion shrugged. "Just doin' my job."
Unable to do anything else, Vinny and Berry went back inside.
"Who told them to dig up our part of the street?" Berry groaned.
"Who do you think?" Vinny spat. "That Jet Set clod. Tryin' to get me back for the hedge thing."
"I was afraid something like this would happen." Berry sighed. "This grudge is starting to turn into a full-on feud."
"He started it." Vinny sneered.
"But you can finish it right now." Berry urged. "Just walk away."
"Not a chance." Vinny declared. "A Napoleon does not 'walk away', unless it is one of those epic scenes where there's a explosion behind them. Those prudes want to mess with us? Fine! I was always a master prankster, and now I'm bringing my 'A' game..."
Over the next week, the feud escalated. Vinny started off by slipping a paint bomb into Jet Set's mailbox, causing him to get covered in paint when he went to get his mail.
Jet Set whistled happily, still amused by his little trick with the roadworks. As he opened the mailbox, he was suddenly splattered with pink paint.
"Ahhh!" He yelped. "What in the-?! Gahhh!"
"Hey, neighbour." Vinny waved. "Love the new look! Pink really suits you!"
Jet Set scowled as Vinny sauntered back indoors.
In retaliation, Jet Set had numerous taxi carriages and salesponies sent over to Vinny's home, the constant arrivals annoying him.
"For the last time, I didn't call for a taxi!" Vinny yelled, after the dozenth stallion knocked at the door.
"Hey, I got a call to come to this address." The stallion declared. "You wanna go somewhere or what?"
"No!" Vinny growled. "How about you go drive off a cliff?!
"Touchy, touchy." The driver scowled.
At that moment, another salesponies walked.
"Would you like to buy our latest encyclopedia?" He asked. "Two volumes for the price of one."
"Buck off!" Vinny yelled.
"A hard sell, eh?" The salespony smirked. "I've dealt with these kinds of ponies before... Okay, three for the price of one!"
Barely able to contain his rage, Vinny used his magic to lift the salespony and toss him into the taxi stallion's carriage.
"Here!" Vinny gave the stallion a small pile of Bits. "Send this clown to the other side of Canterlot!"
"You got it." The stallion smirked.
"Okay, four for the price of one!" The salespony called, as he was carted away. "But that's as low as I'll go!"
As payback for that, Vinny planted some ground-up cereal in a plastic bag on Jet Set's carriage, then called in Caboose to 'discover' it, and loudly proclaim him to be a drug smuggler.
As Jet Set's carriage rolled into the upscale market, Caboose pounced.
"Excuse me, sir." He declared. "I need to check your vehicle."
"Excuse me?" Jet Set frowned. "Whatever for?"
"Just a routine search." Caboose declared. "Won't take a sec."
"Very well." Jet Set harrumphed. "Just make it quick."
Caboose "searched" the carriage, waiting a couple of moment before removing the bag from under it.
"Ah-hah!" He yelled as loudly as he could. "What do you call this?"
"I, er..." Jet Set spluttered, painfully aware that everypony was watching. "I've never seen that in my life!"
"Then what's it doing stuck to the bottom of your carriage?" Caboose asked at the top of his voice, drawing more attention.
"It's... it..." Jet Set spluttered. "I'm telling you! It's not mine! I don't even know what drugs are!"
"Caboose glared at Jet Set, then opened the plastic bag, tasting the contents.
"Who said anything about drugs?" He chuckled. "This is just Sugar Steer cereal! It's illegally tasty, but you can't get arrested for it!"
The watching crowd burst out laughing at the mortified Jet Set.
Later on, Caboose relayed the scene to Vinny and Berry
"I'm telling you! It's not mine!" Caboose mimicked Jet Set for Vinny. "I don't even know what drugs are!"
"Bwa-ha-ha-ha!" Vinny roared. "Best! Prank! Ever!"
"Oh, yeah." Caboose chuckled. "You should've seen the look on his face. Just like the time I brought my cannon to that monastery."
"Really, Vinny?" Berry frowned. "I like a good prank and all, but there is such a thing as going too far..."
"Please." Vinny snorted. "What's that wussy snob gonna do?"
"Lodge a formal complaint against the cereal company?" Caboose suggested.
"No, Caboose." Vinny smirked. "He ain't gonna do crap! After today, he thinks twice before messing with Vandal Cartman Napoleon!"
"Somehow, I don't it." Berry frowned. "Jet Set may be as tough as you, but he can be pretty stubborn."
"Big whoop." Vinny snorted. "That spineless snob's outta his depth. If he's got any brains, he'll give this up."
In his own home, Jet Set was beside himself with fury.
"That's it!" He roared. "That is the last straw!"
"Dear, calm down..." Upper Crust urged.
"I will not calm down!" Jet Set yelled. "That ruffian has gone too far this time! The humiliation... Do you know how many ponies were there to hear me accused of drug peddling. For a moment, I thought I might die of shame! Well, I've had enough of Mr. Napoleon! if it's the last thing I do, I'll see him removed from this neighborhood."
Before long, Jet Set and Upper Crust had gathered several of their fellow nobles (save for Fancypants and Fleur, whom they knew wouldn't support them) and held a meeting.
"What is this all about, Jet Set?" Golden Gavel, a greyish amber Unicorn with a pale gold mane, cobalt blue eyes, and a gavel Cutie Mark asked, "I was in the middle of a milk bath."
"My fellow upperclassponies." Jet Set declared. "I have gathered you here today to discuss a matter of societal importance that had befallen our community. As I'm sure you're aware, there are two recent additions to this district who don't belong here: Vinny Napoleon, and his girlfriend, Berry Punch."
"I know them." Swan Song, a light amber mare with a raspberry mane, cornflower blue eyes, and a Swan Cutie Mark, scowled. "Vinny's the uncouth lout who revived that cheap tavern on the other side of town. I was going to have that dump torn down to make a vacant lot."
"And that girlfriend of his?" Silver Frames, a gray mare with a grayish blue mane, brilliant amber eyes, and a glasses Cutie Mark, sneered. "She's such a village pony, it isn't even funny! I swear, she always has a wine bottle in her hoof every time I saw her!"
"We shouldn't have to put up with those... yokels!" Black Marble, a white stallion with a black mane, blue eyes, and a Cutie Mark of a marble column, agreed, "This city belong to the rich and powerful, not some fat tub of mafia scum and a drunken harlot!"
"So true." Jet Set nodded. "Which is why we need to get them out of here."
"But how?" Golden asked.
"Shall we have their home declared unsafe somehow?" Swan Song asked.
"Maybe get them deported?" Silver Frames suggested.
"I have my connections." Jet Set declared. "I'll see into getting together a petition to have them removed from the street. In the meantime, a little... incentive might help things along."
"Oh, I know that look." Black Marble smirked. "What's the plan, Set?"
"Simple." Jet Set grinned. "We're going to remind them that they don't belong here."
The next morning, Vinny exited the house to find several of the upperclass ponies waving signs that said "Commoners leave!" and "No class? No pass!"
"What the buck is this?" Vinny growled. "Get off my lawn!"
"Just the kind of reaction I'd expect from a lout like you!" Black Marble scowled.
"Answer the question." Vinny growled.
"We want you out of this neighborhood, you lowlife commoner!" Golden Gavel declared.
"Oh, great, this yahoo has friends..." Vinny groaned, as he glared at the crowed, "Well, I don't know what you hope to accomplish, but I am not leaving. End of story."
"We'll see." Swan Song sneered back. "Jet Set is already looking into getting you officially removed."
"Oh, is he now?" Vinny growled. "Should've known..."
"As it is, you have only two options." Silver Frames declared. "Leave now, leave later."
"I choose option three." Vinny spat. "The one where I wake up every morning in this house, go to work, throw back a couple of beers, go home, eat dinner, and make love to my girlfriend, and you all buck off!"
The nobles roared with outrage as Vinny shoved past them. They were still there when he came back from work.
"I don't believe this." Vinny groaned. "Jet Set's gone too far this time."
"Well maybe he wouldn't have gone too far if you hadn't pushed him." Berry pointed.
"Yeah, maybe." Vinny shrugged. "But what's done is done. And something tells me an apology won't help here."
"What can we do?" Berry asked.
"For now, stand firm." Vinny declared. "Even Jet Set can't force us out of our home."
To his annoyance, Jet Set had run into a bit of a snag. Despite his connections, he was told he'd need far more signatures than those of his accomplices. While he thought of a way to get more signatures, he and his comrades continued harassing Vinny and Berry.
But one morning, Jet Set opened his newspaper to see the heading "Golden Gavel in servant racing scandal!"
"What the-?" He frowned. "'Golden Gavel was today revealed as having his servants race around his estate for him whenever he gets bored, to the point of exhaustion'?"
"I take it you heard the news." Golden Gavel walked up the front path.
"Did you really do what they said you did?" Jet Set frowned.
"What if I did?" Golden Gavel snorted. "It's good for them to get some exercise! Keeps them from getting lazy! It's not a big deal!"
"Well, according to the papers, it is a big deal." Jet Set declared.
"Tell me about it!" Golden Gavel growled, "Now I've got the bureau for fair treatment of servants hounding my flanks! They're going to take all my workers away!"
"How did they find out about this in the first place?" Jet Set asked.
"I don't know. It didn't say." Golden Gavel scowled. "But it hasn't exactly done wonders for my reputation. I've been getting yelled and hissed at in the streets all day today!"
"My condolences." Jet Set declared.
Over the next few days, more scandalous secrets were revealed; Swan Song lip-synching during her opera performance of last month, Silver Frames in a false mane shocker, and even Black Marble was nailed for buying illegally imported statues. The shame of these exposes forced them to hide indoors, ashamed to show their faces. Jet Set was left alone in his vendetta for the moment.
"Illegal imports..." Jet Set frowned. "How can this be happening? How can our friends' deepest, darkest secrets suddenly be made public?"
"Those accursed paparazzi." Upper Crust scowled.
"I don't think so." Jet Set declared. "The writers of this rag have never been so good. Somepony else is behind this."
"But who?" Upper Crust asked.
"I don't know." Jet Set declared. "But we can only hope they don't come after us next."
"Ohh, don't even say that." Upper Crust scowled. "The last thing we need is to have our reputations dragged through the mud like the others."
"But maybe we can drag somepony else's reputation through the mud." Jet Set smirked. "If I can find something to incriminate Napoleon, the tabloids may focus on him instead. I'll go and have a look around his house. There's probably some dead body buried in his garden or something."
"I wouldn't put it past him." Upper Crust grimaced.
Meanwhile, Vinny and Berry were enjoying the reclaimed peace and quiet.
"I never thought I'd say this, but thank Faust for the tabloids." Berry smiled.
"Yeah, they really know how to dish out the dirt." Vinny chuckled. "Speaking of which, did I ever show you this?"
Vinny pulled a small black book out of his mafia jacket.
"What is that?" Berry asked with curiosity.
"This, babe, would be my little black book." Vinny smiled. "In a job that is filled with lies and deceit, it is important to keep an ear open for any dark secrets that you can use to strong hoof your adversaries. This here book contains all sorts of tidbits about certain ponies I had come across. Some of them are simply their daily routines, while some of them are very personal and even criminal."
"Sounds like a useful thing to have." Berry noted.
"You have no idea." Vinny smirked. "This baby was my golden ticket back in the days. With all the info in this book, I would have stallions and mares from all around kissing my giant flank."
"Wow... might I have a look?" Berry asked.
"Knock yourself out." Vinny smiled.
Berry tooked the book from Vinny and looked at the pages. There was a lot of information, such as criminal records, gambling preferences, preferred brothels and the like, but the heading for each section was written in some bizarre script that she didn't understand.
"What's all this goobledegook?" She frowned. "It's like a drunk chicken stepped in some ink."
"It's code." Vinny told her. "Made it up by myself. Not even Lars could decipher this. Only I know just what pony the dirt's about. It's a precautionary measure in case it fell into the wrong hooves."
"Oh, in that case, I guess that's good." Berry shrugged. "Wouldn't want everyone knowing about our dark secrets..."
"Speakin' of secrets..." Vinny whispered. "You look gorgeous today. It's makin' me so hot..."
"Well, I got a secret for you." Berry smirked. "The heat's about to turn up..."
The pair kissed each other deeply.
Unbeknownst to them, Jet Set was sneaking around the outside of the house, intent on finding some incriminating evidence.
"Nothing." He scowled. "No corpses, no hidden drugs or money, nothing! I know you've got some illicit items hidden somewhere..."
Inside, Vinny and Berry had finished making out. Berry returned her focus to the book.
"So this book has dirt on everypony?" Berry asked.
Jet Set froze, peering through the living room window.
"Oh, yeah." Vinny nodded. "I could blackmail half of Canterlot with this stuff."
'So that's it!' Jet Set thought. 'He's the one behind those leaks! And not just on myself and my fellow nobles, but possibly even the royal family... Yes, yes! It all makes sense now! That book is the reason for those wretched Napoleons were pardoned in the first place!'
"Ah, geez, look at the time!" Vinny yelped. "I gotta get down the bar!" He kissed Berry goodbye. "Later babe!"
"Later." Berry chuckled.
In his rush to leave, Vinny absently placed the black book on a table.
'This is my chance.' Jet Set smirked. Using his magic, he lifted the book out through the window, and into his waiting hooves. 'You're finished, Napoleon...'
Back home, Jet Set examined the book, struggling to comprehend the code.
"What are you doing, dear?" She asked. "What's that?"
"Napoleon's little book of blackmail material." Jet Set declared. "It has incriminating evidence on all sorts of ponies."
"Seriously?" Upper Crust gasped. "Like who?"
"Hang on, I'm trying to decipher the titles." Jet Set declared. "Bloo..." He squinted through his glasses. "...Bludd.... Blueblood! So, he has 'dirt' on the royal family after all! ...No surprise that ruffian has such terrible spelling..."
"'Caught slipping into a seedy stallion's club'?" Upper Crust gasped. "I don't blame him, considering that wife of his... A Napoleon, just like Vandal. No doubt a seedy gold-digger."
"There's more." Jet Set smirked. "Shine, Gothic, Flash Sentry... all with more blackmail material. I wonder what they would think if they knew he had 'dirt' on them?"
"This is it, isn't it?" Upper Crust asked hopefully. "The key to getting rid of those commoners."
"Oh, yes." Jet Set smirked.
A couple of days later, Vinny and Berry received an unexpected piece of mail: An invitation to a party at Jet Set's country club.
"We're invited?" Vinny frowned. "What kind of crazy stunt is he trying to pull?"
"Maybe he wants to bury the hatchet?" Berry suggested.
"Yeah, right in my back..." Vinny growled. "Well, I won't be giving him the satisfaction of coming to his frilly little party."
"Why not?" Berry asked. "Even if he doesn't want to apologize, I bet you'll get a kick out of wining and dining on his Bit?"
"Good point." Vinny smirked. "Always wanted to see what those snooty snobs get up to.... Okay, we're going!"
"Great." Berry smiled. "I'll wear my best dress."
"And I'll wear my best duds." Vinny nodded. "...Now where did I put my tie with the silhouette of the two dogs humping?"
The following evening, Vinny and Berry, decked out in their best finery, made their way to the Canterlot country club, a very opulent building, its membership reserved only for the most elite ponies.
"Tickets, please." The stallion at the doors asked.
"Right here, my good fellow." Vinny flashed the invites.
"Proceed." The stallion said grudgingly.
"Thank you, Jeeves." Berry joked.
As Vinny and Berry entered the ballroom, which was resplendent with crystal chandeliers, tables covered in fancy sheets, and a veritable orchestra, Jet Set made a beeline for them.
"Ah, the guest of honor has arrived!" He smiled. "Now the festivities can begin!"
"Hey, Jets." Vinny said half-heartedly. "Nice shindig!"
"Oh, this?" Jet Set said humbly. "Just a little something I threw together at the last minute."
"We were a little surprised to get your invitation." Berry declared. "After everything that's happened between us. I hope there's no hard feelings..."
"Not at all! We decided to let bygones be bygones." Jet Set laughed airily. "Now please, take your seats. The show is about to begin."
"Show? Ooh, I hope this one has nudity in it." Vinny smiled giddly.
"Somehow, I doubt it." Berry snorted.
"Ah, these guys don't know how to live." Vinny rolled his eyes.
Vinny and Berry sat down, as did the others. Jet Set stood up on the stage.
"Ladies and gentlestallions, thank you all for coming." He declared. "We are here today for a momentous occasion... namely the unmasking of Vandal Napoleon as the crook he really is!"
A spotlight shined onto Vinny and Berry's table, which happened to be in the middle of everything.
"What?!" Vinny gaped, as the nobles sneered. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about this!" Jet Set revealed the book.
"My black book!" Vinny gasped, as he checked his jacket. "How did you-"
"Oh, so you admit it?" Jet Set smirked. "Yes, my fellow upperclassponies, this supposedly 'retired' criminal is still living the life of a scoundrel! This book contains inflammatory information on the royal family, which he was no doubt planning to use to blackmail them, or some other ghastly thing!"
The nobles made sounds of outrage.
"Criminal!"
"Extortioner!"
"Parasite!"
"Throw him out! Him and his floozy!"
Berry cringed under their hateful gazes... however, Vinny wasn't phased... in fact, he was smiling.
"Just wait until we get this to the Royal Guard." Jet Set sneered. "You'll be out of here quicker than you can say 'misdemeanor'."
"Oh, yeah." Vinny said nonchalantly. "Sure."
"And not just you, but your brothers." Jet Set smirked. "They'll all go down, even the 'respected' Lieutenant Caboose. Ha-hah! I've won, Napoleon! I have won!"
Suddenly, Vinny just laughed.
"He-heh... ha-ha-ha-ha-hah!" He guffawed.
"What is so funny?!" Jet Set growled.
"Oh-oh, sorry, man, I just..." Vinny smiled, "Boy, I gotta say, gathering all your friends here and calling me here just so you can publicly humiliate me? Props to you, man."
"You're kidding, right?" Jet Set gaped. "I am about to destroy you, and you are just laughing?! What kind of stallion are you?!"
"Who cares?" Golden Gavel snorted.
"Send that scum and his moll out of here!" Silver Frames yelled.
"You know what, it doesn't matter." Jet Set snarled, "Once this gets out, you will be finished. And everything will be just as it should be. The rich over the poor. The elite standing above the common. The natural balance restored."
"Great plan. Totally digging the 'rich over poor' spiel." Vinny smirked. "Just one problem though..."
"And what is that?" Jet Set challenged.
"That the book has nothing on the royal family." Vinny smirked.
The room went silent.
"...What?!" Jet Set hissed, "Of course it does!" He opened the book to the entry of 'Blooblud', "It says right here: 'Blooblud'! As in Prince Blueblood, the one your floozy of a niece had tricked into marrying her!"
"That's code, doofus." Vinny sneered. "That particular list is for a guy back in Bitaly by the name of Freefret. Some laid back middle stallion. Good guy, just a little desperate for drugs."
"And you expect us to believe that?" Jet Set glared.
"What, you think Blueblood actually has a Poison Joke addiction?" Vinny smirked. "You really should check those entries."
"What?" Jet Set double-checked the listing. There were things in what he thought were Blueblood's entries that he never would have done, such as smuggling a goat herd across a broder. "I, er..." Jet Set gaped, realising Vinny was right.
"And besides, that is only ONE of my black books." Vinny chuckled darkly.
"...One?" Jet Set murmured.
"ONE?!" Everypony gaped.
"Take a look." Vinny declared, as he pulled open his jacket, and to all the nobles' horror, there were indeed black books lining the insides of his jacket, "You see these? I have multiple copies. Each filled to the brim with dark secrets that could have you run out of town in shame ... also makes for a great kevlar."
"You do?" Swan Song gulped. "Even on... the royals?"
"Unfortunately, despite my efforts, I got nothing on the royals. Even if I did, I wouldn't use them for blackmail. I happen to have a limit you know..." Then Vinny got a dangerous glint in his eyes, "However, I do happen to have one filled with all of yours' darkest secrets. And since you all more than willing to go after me and my family, it's only fair that I let you all know what going on within your own inner circle..." He pulled out said book from one of the pockets and read it, "Did you know... that Golden Gavel rewrote his father's will, so he'd get everything and his brothers got nothing?"
The crowd gasped in disgust.
"He what?"
"That's disgusting!"
"No... he's lying!" Golden Gavel yelled, though the sweat on his face said otherwise.
"You know Silver Frames' daughter?" Vinny continued. "The one who's been 'traveling'? She's actually in rehab! Loves her wine, and who can blame her?"
The crowd gasped again. Silver Frames cried in shame.
"Shame on you, Silver Frames, writing your own daughter off like an embarrassment?!" Black Marble snarled, "Where's your maternal instincts?"
"I wouldn't be so quick to judge, Black Marble." Vinny sneered, "As according to my sources, you disowned your son when you found out he was gay." He clicked his tongue with disdain, "Very compassionate, Mr Marble. Like a steamroller flattening a cockroach."
"I... I..." Black Marble spluttered.
"And here's a doozy: When things were tight a couple of years ago, Swan Song burned down her mother's condo and pocketed the insurance money." Vinny revealed, "Leaving her mom without a home or any money!"
"Y-you..." Swan Song stuttered.
"And that is just one dirty little secret from each of your lists." Vinny chuckled evilly. "I have many more where that came from, just enough to ruin each and every one of you."
"You filthy crook!" Jet Set spat. "How you dare...!"
"We refuse to be belittled by the likes of you!" Upper Crust added. "We are the pinnacle of high socie-"
"Oh, I haven't even gotten to you yet." Vinny glared at Jet Set. "You know, if you had just minded your own business, and let us have our party, I wouldn't had to do this. I just so happen to have information that is enough to destroy your marriage..."
"Our marriage?" Jet Set and Upper Crust gulped.
"Yup. All I need to do is say these very words, and it's all over. All in a blink." Vinny said darkly.
"No, please..." Jet Set pleaded.
"Don't do it!" Upper Crust yelled, on the verge of hysterics.
"You know, I should tell this secret and watch the fireworks..." Vinny declared... before sighing and closing the book. "But I won't. Because believe it or not, I should be thanking you."
"Thanking us?" Jet Set raised a brow.
"Yes." Vinny smirked. "Thanks for reminding me why the Napoleons stole from the rich in the first place. It's because so-called 'noble' ponies like you are so cruel and callous to the poor folk. Thanks to you, I come to appreciate the meaning of my family's work. We help those in need, not stomp on their dreams. Because that's the decent thing to do. In that sense, we are the true nobles of this world."
"That's... actually quite beautiful." Swan Song admitted.
"I never thought he could be so poetic..." Silver Frames added.
"However, if I am not going to tell any more secrets, I have a couple demands." Vinny glared at Jet, "First off, you and your friends stop it with this whole trying to kick me and Berry out of the neighborhood. Two, you jerks make up for these awful things you did to your family. That is non-negotiable. And lastly, each of you must give a 'generous' portion of your salaries to some charities, any charities; Orphans, Changelings, Breezies, spinal disto-whatever, I don't care, just do it! Any questions?"
The nobles' reaction was unanimous.
"Good." Vinny nodded, as he then grabbed the stolen book from Jet Set, "Be thankful I don't charge you for stealing my book. And that you never try to complain about my parties again... okay?"
"Yes, of course..." Jet Set nodded, a bit shaken, "Anything... just... never tell, okay?"
"You got yourself a deal." Vinny smirked. "Now, how about you make yourself useful and get us another plate of crudites?"
"Right away!" Jet Set nodded. "Waiter!"
As the waiter followed Jet Set's orders, the party returned to normal, though the outed nobles received some awkward looks from their fellows.
"That was incredible, Vinny." Berry smiled.
"It's just what I do." Vinny said smugly, as he eat his crudites. "If a pony's got dirt on 'im, I'm the guy to know it."
"But out of curiosity...how did you know about all this stuff? I mean, we hadn't been in Canterlot that long, had we?" Berry frowned.
"Oh, I had a little help." Vinny smiled, "Let's just say... that no one will be learning that Fancypants once worked at a... thrift store because of his services."
"Well, at least now, we can put all this behind us." Berry nuzzled him. "Maybe focus on... other things, if you catch my drift?"
"Oh, I do." Vinny kissed her. "I'll bet those snobs never had the kind of wild nights we enjoy."
"These uptight squares?" Berry snorted. "Not even close!"
The two enjoyed the rest of their day, free of persecution, and enjoyed quite an eventful night, taking ample opportunity to ease the stress of the last few weeks (and then some).
'All's well that ends well, right? Oh, and just in case you thought I'd forgotten, there's the other half of our tale from earlier...'
Vinny was cornered, as the four mobsters advanced on him.
"End of the road, Napoleon." Hammer Hooves sneered.
"Can I, er... have some last words?" Vinny asked.
"Eh, why not?" Hammer Hooves shrugged. "Just make it quick."
"Yeah, sure." Vinny pulled out his black book. "I'm just like to congratulate Pinion here for the baby he's about to have with Hammy's daughter."
"What?" Hammer Hooves roared, as his Pegasus cohort froze in terror. "You got my little girl pregnant?!"
"I, er..." Pinion gulped. "Would it help if I said she came on to me?"
"That's not what it looked like when you took to that fancy hotel last week." Vinny smirked.
"Hotel?" Hammer growled. "She told me she was visiting a friend! Pinion, you slimeball!"
"And Mr Needles." Vinny turned to the Unicorn. "Congrats on swiping all that money out from under Sledge's nose last week."
"You did what?!" Sledge rounded on Needles.
"He-he's lying!" Needles insisted.
"If I'm lying, how do I know the exact amount of money that vanished from Sledge's safe house last week?" Vinny asked. "Four thousand Bits, if memory serves."
"You dirty, rotten-" Sledge started.
"Now don't go getting all high-and-mighty, Sledgey." Vinny tutted. "Not after you ratted on the cops about Hammy's smuggling operation at the docks."
"That was you?!" Hammer growled. "You both betrayed me! I thought you were my friends!"
"And not forgetting how Pinion took the goods he was supposed to be delivering for Needles, and told him it was confiscated by the cops." Vinny smirked.
"Say what?" Needles growled.
"And Needles swiped some of Hammer's cash, too." Vinny said matter-of-factly.
"You all double-crossed me?" Hammer growled. "Filthy back-stabbers..."
"Like you can talk." Vinny smirked. "Hiring mercenaries to undercut these guys' operations whenever you thought they were getting too big..."
"You mean that lunatic who ruined my counterfeit jeans operation was working for you?" Sledge growled. "Who double-crossed who?"
"That was business." Hammer growled. "And speaking of business, I have some family business to attend to... You're dead, Pinion!"
"Bring it on, you mercenary-hiring whackjob!" Pinion yelled.
"I'll kill you!" Sledge charged at Needles.
"Not if I kill you first!" Needles retaliated with a horn blast.
Hammer and Pinion struggled for a while, though Hammer had the physical advantage. He put Pinion in a hooflock and snapped his neck.
"No baby daddy for my girl." He spat.
Sledge rammed Needles into a wall.
"I'm gonna make you eat that horn!" He spat.
"First, you eat this!" Needles fired another beam, which the wall above Sledge, causing a pile of rubble to crush him.
Needles barely had time to celebrate his win before Hammer shot him in the head with his crossbow.
"So much for all those backstabbers." Hammer declared, rounding on Vinny. "Now for you..."
"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Vinny declared. "Don't forget, I know your dirty little secrets."
"And they'll die with you." Hammer raised the crossbow.
"Oh, please." Vinny snorted. "You think I'm dumb enough to have only one record? I have back-ups. If I die, that information will be released. And not just what I said today. All your other dirty secrets will come out too. How long do you think the other gangsters will let you live after they find out what you've done?"
"...Damn you, Napoleon." Hammer growled. "You've got me. Even if I kill you, I'm finished. But at least I can go out without everypony knowing about me..."
Hammer put the crossbow against his head, and fired, killing himself.
"Well, that's that, then." Vinny smirked, kissing his black book. "Thanks again, buddy. That's another one I owe ya."
Vinny walked out of the alley, leaving the mobster's bodies to rot.
'So the lesson here is to not judge a pony by his personality. As wild and immature as Vinny can be, he knows how important it is to be prepared, and to have leverage on others, and use it to his advantage. That little black book (and it's bretherens) saved not only his life, but all of ours time and again. And even with our criminal careers on the downswing, it still came in handy. Jet Set and Upper Crust backed off of him and Berry, and have kept their distance ever since. Another victory for the common pony, I'd say.'