Chapter 2: Unsuited For Success
“You did what?!” Fluttershy’s friends shouted at her.
“I signed the papers. I’m going to be in Celebrity Deathmatch,” Fluttershy answered quietly.
“But, but, but, but, but, why?” Twilight demanded. “I thought you didn’t want to fight.” Fluttershy just looked embarrassed and defeated, which made Twilight sigh. “Darn it all, if only I had found Photo Finish last night.”
“Stressing over that now isn’t going to help anything,” Rarity said surprisingly calmly. “Obviously, she just needs to back out of this ridiculous tournament and be done with it.”
“But, Photo said I can’t do that or else I’ll be financially crushed and forcefully retired from my job,” Fluttershy protested.
“You’re already retired from your modeling career, Fluttershy. And it’s not like you have a lot of funds on hoof anyway.”
“But I already promised Photo that I would help her.”
“So? She’s not your friend,” Rainbow Dash pointed out.
“But I promised.”
“So break this one promise. She’s asking you to do something crazy anyway… even if it does sound kind of cool.” Her remark granted her a sour look from the others.
“I don’t know. What if they force me to stop caring for animals? And if they take all my money, I won’t be able to feed them for at least two weeks. I don’t know if I can do that.”
“Who are they, anyway? Anypony I know?” Pinkie asked.
“Photo said something about griffins.”
“Pshaw. Griffins? I can handle griffins. You forget I grew up around at least one.” Rainbow Dash punched at the air. “I’ll give them a fight. Ha! Hoo! And Sonic Rainboom right to the jaw.”
Twilight smiled slyly and shook her head. “There’s no need for that. You’re thinking about this too hard. Whoever runs Celebrity Deathmatch can’t be that powerful. All we have to do is tell Princess Celestia and- Ouch! Hey!” Twilight looked around and saw a small rock that someone had thrown at the back of her head. Attached to it was a note. Picking it up with her magic, Twilight read it aloud. “You are all in the circle now. You do not speak about Celebrity Deathmatch to anypony related to Canterlot Castle. Period. Or else.” Twilight glanced around at the bushes but didn’t see anypony. “Or else what? Ow!” Another rock hit her from another direction.
This time, Applejack picked it up and read it. “Remember we are always watchin’ you. And if we’re not watchin’ you, we’re watchin’ someone close to you.” Everypony looked around, but they still didn’t see any sign of another pony or griffin or whatever was throwing rocks at them. “You wouldn’t dare hurt somepony I know!” Applejack shouted at the bushes. Another rock knocked her hat off her head. The note attached wasn’t rolled up and simply read, ‘Oh yes we would.’
Applejack put her hat back on and cleared her throat. “Girls, this is gettin’ kinda creepy.”
“Kind of creepy? I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep well for the rest of my life knowing somepony is watching me,” Rarity remarked trying to find the source of the rocks. “This is a clear invasion of privacy!” The bushes didn’t respond.
“So now what? Is Fluttershy really stuck doin’ this?” Applejack asked.
“Sonic Rainboom to the jaw?” Dash suggested.
“If you can find them. Still…” Twilight took one last look around. “I don’t like the idea of these guys messing with ponies we know. I guess we don’t have any choice but to let Fluttershy enter. For now.”
“You’ve got that look in your eye, Twilight,” Pinkie exclaimed emphasizing her claim by widening her own eye. “You’ve got a plan.”
“The competition doesn’t start for another month, so that gives us plenty of time to gather some more information about it and, if nothing else, maybe find a loophole in the contract. Besides, I still don’t buy the idea that they can get away with killing a bunch of ponies without Celestia finding out about it. There has to be some other meaning behind all this.”
“Like what?” Applejack asked.
“I don’t know yet, but I will find out or my name’s not Twilight Sparkle.”
“Oh, is it Gusty then?” Pinkie suggested.
Twilight glared at her for a moment and walked away. “I’m going to go see what research I can dig up on Celebrity Deathmatch. I’ll see you guys later.”
“How about Ribbon? Buttons? I know, its Galaxy isn’t it!?”
“Anyway,” Rarity interrupted. “What are we going to do about Fluttershy? No offense, darling, but I know you’re not really a fighter. What we’re you planning on doing when the tournament started?”
“Um… give up?”
“Well… if it means you don’t have to kill anypony, then it makes sense to me.” Applejack shrugged. “Do you think they would let her get away with that?”
“If not, then Fluttershy is going to have to do some serious training,” Rainbow said, hugging Fluttershy close.
“Do I have to?” Fluttershy moaned.
“I don’t know if they really kill each other or not but if this involves duking it out with your hooves then you’re definitely going to need a few pointers from yours truly.”
“No offense, RD, but are you sure you’re the right pony for the job?” Applejack asked.
“Of course. You’re looking at the pegasus who was suspended from high school three times for fighting. And that was just freshmen year.”
Applejack gave her a blank expression. “Sheesh. And I was embarrassed about the one time I got in trouble for fightin’ in school.”
“Yeah, whatever. Come on Fluttershy. We’ve got some hardcore training to do.”
“I sense a training montage coming on!” Pinkie said excitedly.
“No, really, I was hoping I could just give up and…” Fluttershy squealed as Dash carried her away.
After they had flown off, with Fluttershy struggling the whole way, Applejack turned to Rarity and Pinkie Pie. “I don’t like this. Somehow this feels a lot more serious than when we took on Night Mare Moon or Discord.”
Rarity nodded in agreement. “I know what you mean. In this case, we can’t just throw the Elements of Harmony at the problem. I don’t know how they keep it hidden, but whoever runs Celebrity Deathmatch may just be the greatest challenge we’ve faced yet. And that’s mostly because I don’t know if there is anything we can even do to help Fluttershy. She could be on her own in this.”
“No way!” Pinkie objected. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way and there’s always something friends can do to help friends.” Though she sounded just as eccentric as she always did, Applejack and Rarity smiled.
“You’re right. It may not be easy, but I’m sure we can do something.”
“I think I know one thing,” Applejack put in. “Let’s see about gettin’ in to this Celebrity Deathmatch ourselves.”
“Applejack, are you off your apple? We can’t fight. I’m not even sure we qualify,” Rarity protested.
“No, not as fighters. Photo Finish said it was a big spectacle of sorts, right? So maybe we can at least get ourselves into the audience.”
Rarity’s eyes lit up. “Ohhhh. That would be a start. All right then, I’ll look into my connections and see what I can do. We will be at that tournament or my name is not Rarity.”
“Oh, is it Fizzy then?” Pinkie blurted.
A single month can go by very quickly, and truly, it felt like a short time before Fluttershy found herself on a small but fast yacht, crossing the Equestrian sea to the appointed location of Celebrity Deathmatch. Fluttershy nervously looked out the window and watched the water roll by. She also watched Photo Finish who was sitting out on the deck trying to get a tan despite the fact that she was still wearing her usual black and white, striped dress. The photography mogul didn’t seem concerned at all that the two of them were about to compete in a contest where the object was to kill your opponent. Fluttershy sighed and tried to concentrate on Angel. He had managed to sneak onboard somehow and seemed genuinely afraid for her, even going as far as to rub her back while she sat there. She smiled at him and gave him a carrot from the buffet table. At least she wasn’t going to be alone. All of her friends were on the boat with her, though some of them seemed even more depressed than she felt.
“Come now, Twilight, don’t sit there like a bump on a log. Celebrity Deathmatch is its own little secret society. It shouldn’t be a surprise that you weren’t able to find any kind of documentation.” Rarity tried to comfort the other unicorn, but Twilight harrumphed and crossed her hooves.
“A month of research, a whole month, and I couldn’t find even one word that sounded like it could be code for Celebrity Deathmatch. The only things I was able to uncover were two smuggling rings, three illegal arms dealers, an underground cockfighting group in Canterlot, and a yoyo.”
“A yoyo?”
“Somepony stole a kid’s yoyo about twenty years ago. I found records of a yoyo being sold in one of the smuggling rings so I figured I might as well return it after I found it in a safety deposit box.”
“Sounds… fascinating. I had no idea so much crime went on in Equestria. I was wondering where you had disappeared to,” Rarity remarked, wondering how Twilight considered all that to be a failure of her time.
“At least you didn’t waste your time,” Rainbow said harshly. “I spent all month training Fluttershy and we only managed to raise her wing power from 2.3 to 2.5. I’ve completely failed as a coach.”
“That’s because we skipped the montage. You can’t have epic growth without a proper montage,” Pinkie pointed out. Rainbow turned away from her and decided to glare out the window at Photo Finish. If the famous photographer saw her, she made no indication of it, which infuriated Rainbow Dash even more.
“Come on ya’ll, there’s no use sulkin’. I think we should just feel fortunate that Rarity managed to get us all tickets so we could be there for Fluttershy.” Applejack put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder but she was in no mood and shrugged it off.
“That just means she had better luck than I did finding out anything about the tournament.”
“And you have no idea how difficult that actually was. It took me forever before I found somepony who would even speak to me about it and then…” Rarity shivered. “You do not want to know what I had to do to get these tickets. I shudder to even remember it, it was soooo horrible.” She threw her foreleg over her forehead in emphasis.
“I can only hope the image you planted in my head just now didn’t actually happen,” Applejack said, feeling a little disturbed.
Rarity put her hoof down and scowled. “I assure you, whatever naughty thing your mind has come up with is not what occurred at all. I would never stoop that low. The nerve.”
“How do you know that’s what I was thinkin’?”
“Ah! Fine… If you must know, I had to… baby-sit…” Rarity shivered again.
“Yeah, that’s horrible all right.” Applejack rolled her eyes. Looking out the window, she realized they were slowing down. “Hey, look ya’ll. I think we’re here.” She opened the door and stepped outside. Sure enough, a sandy beach and an enormous dock lay just a short ways in front of them. Several ponies on the dock were scrambling to tie the yacht down and pull a gangplank for the guests to come ashore. Applejack focused her attention back on Twilight who still hadn’t moved. “Look at the bright side, Twi, maybe we’ll find out something useful now that we’re here.”
Though Twilight still looked bitter, she quickly brightened and stood up in a courageous pose. “You’re right. If there is any way we are going to investigate this phony competition, it’s at the event itself… Where are we anyway?”
The boat had docked at a rather large harbor at the edge of a tropical island. Ponies of all sorts were departing similar boats and yachts. There were even a number of other creatures like griffins, mules, and a few zebras walking across the beach. The sand itself seemed untouched as if no hooves had tread on it for years. Twilight realized that that could be all part of the setup though. Maybe it was only supposed to look like nopony had been there before.
“Finally!” Photo Finish exclaimed as she walked down the gangplank. “I, Photo Finish, haven’t felt this excited since I was a little filly. I can’t wait for de competition to begin.”
Applejack smirked. “You’d think we were at Six Flags of Harmony theme park or somethin’.”
“Wow, look at this place! Beach party!” Pinkie called and produced a beach ball from somewhere. As if they had been waiting for her, three other ponies immediately erected a volleyball net and, together with Pinkie, started to toss the beach ball around.
“I patently await the day that science can explain the phenomenon known as Pinkie Pie,” Twilight huffed.
“I don’t know about science, but nature is something I can certainly put my hooves on. I love the location and décor.” Rarity glanced admiringly at the gorgeous view of the ocean. “I’ve always dreamed of vacationing on an island like this. If I had known, I would have brought a few more exotic things to wear and some suntan lotion.”
“We’re not here on leisure time, Rarity. There’s something fishy about this whole setup and I aim to find out what it is.”
“Fishy or not, Photo Finish wasn’t lying when she spoke of the guest list. Look over there.” Rarity pointed at a rather handsome stallion exiting a yacht with two tall unicorn mares at either side. “I think that’s Lionheart Proudmane.”
“Who?”
“Oh, Twilight, surely you’ve heard of him? He’s one of the most famous actors and directors in all of Canterlot.”
“Forgive me if I never had time away from my studies to go watch a lot of movies.”
“Twilight, you really need to get out more. I can’t believe you know so little about the Canterlot high society when you lived there most of your life.”
“Yeah, well-”
“Photo Finish, Fluttershy, and company?” somepony in a bowtie suddenly asked.
“Yes?” Photo asked in a much sweeter voice than the others had heard from her before.
“You’re rooms have been prepared for you ma’am. Please follow me right this… um… where is Ms. Fluttershy?”
“I’m here!” Fluttershy suddenly cried. “It’s so wobbly. I don’t think I can make it.” She was clinging to the top of the gangplank that was indeed wobbling, a little, in the light breeze.
Rainbow Dash groaned. “Fluttershy, you can fly and you’re only four feet off the ground. Get a grip.”
“I do have one!”
Shaking her head, Rainbow flew over to her and pried her off the gangplank. Though she struggled a bit, Rainbow Dash deposited her safely on the sand.
“We haven’t even been here five minutes and already I feel exhausted.” Twilight stared at the ocean. The competition didn’t start until the following morning, so there was plenty of time to get situated in their hotel room, or wherever it was they would be sleeping, before starting her investigation. “Pinkie! Are you… coming…?” Pinkie Pie was marching down the beach followed by some twenty ponies and a mule who had all joined her in a conga line. “You know what, never mind. I’m sure she’ll catch up with us later.”
“If you’re all ready, then please follow me right this way. Your luggage will be delivered to your rooms for you,” the pony who had greeted them, said. However, instead of leading them anywhere, he instead fixed his bowtie and approached Fluttershy. “Excuse me, Ms. Fluttershy?”
“Um… yes?”
“I uh… I just wanted to say that I’m one of your biggest fans. I’m not ashamed to call myself a Flutterchan.” Instead of answering, Fluttershy stared at him, slowly turning a shade of red. “Say, I don’t suppose maybe you could give me you’re autograph? The other Flutterchans would be so jealous.” He produced a pen and paper but Fluttershy only looked at it. “Please?”
“Um…” Fluttershy stammered, looking around for help.
“If it’s an autograph you’re looking for, you can always have mine,” Rainbow Dash insisted.
“Really? Who are you?”
“Oh, just a pegasus you might have heard of named, Rainbow Dash.” She struck a pose in midair.
The pony in the bowtie blinked. “I’ve never heard of you. Please, Ms. Fluttershy, I could die happy if I just got your autograph.” Fluttershy reluctantly took the pen as Rainbow Dash gaped in shock. “Thank you so much, Ms. Fluttershy. I’ll be the talk of the club for years.” Holding the autograph lovingly to his chest, the young stallion skipped down the beach as he led them to their rooms.
“Come on, Rainbow Dash. We can stroke our egos some other time,” Twilight said as Rainbow grumpily followed along in the air.
“I still don’t get it, Twilight. How are we not celebrities? I mean, we saved all of Equestria twice. Three times if you count that dragon.”
“Rainbow, you sound like you want to be in the tournament.”
“No. That’s not it. I’m just wondering why we’re not celebrities. Hey, what about when we saved Canterlot from the changelings?”
Twilight groaned. “We’re not celebrities because we didn’t go around telling everypony what we did. Do you know how hard it could make things if everypony knew that we were the bearers of the Elements of Harmony? It could endanger our lives. Sure some ponies know, but they are trusted friends of the court and they wouldn’t blab about who we are.” Rainbow crossed her hooves and looked positively sour. “And anyway, we didn’t save Canterlot from the changelings. My brother and Cadence did.”
“We helped,” Rainbow grumbled.
Twilight rolled her eyes and decided to ignore her. It was more important to try to figure out how Celebrity Deathmatch worked. Their own privacy was obviously at stake for one, so it was important that they try to do some inconspicuous snooping. If Celestia didn’t know about it, there had to be some way to get around the odd security and bust whatever was really going on.
Applejack whistled, clearly impressed. The building that Celebrity Deathmatch was held in was huge, made to look like a coliseum of sorts. The inside though was even more impressive looking like a palace, only with a lot of vendors. Throughout the castle-like halls, ponies selling food, souvenirs, clothes, and even the official rulebook of the tournament were adamantly hawking their wears, openly competing with others selling the same products.
“If I had known it was going to be like this, I might have thought to sell some apples here. There might be more ponies here than at the Grand Galloping Gala.”
“The thing that scares me is that I think half these ponies were at the Gala.” The first day of the tournament had only just started and already Twilight was feeling heavier and heavier in her stomach. The fact that she had had a very restless sleep and barely eaten any breakfast didn’t help either. She was also a little worried that Pinkie Pie had never come back to their room and they still hadn’t heard anything from her since leaving her on the beach the day before.
“This stinks. I couldn’t even get near this building yesterday so I couldn’t find out anything then, and today it turns out that Fluttershy and Photo Finish are in the opening match, so I’m not going to be able to do any investigating until it’s over.”
“Why not investigate while the match is goin on?” Rainbow asked.
“Rainbow Dash, you represent loyalty. Why do you think I’m going to wait?”
Rainbow nodded and smiled. “Yeah, I definitely feel the same way.”
“So they’re gonna be fightin’ first? Who are they up against?” Applejack wondered.
“Um, let’s see.” Twilight looked over a pamphlet one of the door ponies had given to her when she walked in. “That’s odd. Didn’t Photo Finish say this was tag team?”
“Yes, why?” Rarity asked.
“There’s only one name listed on the opposing team. Somepony named Ace Crusher.”
Rainbow Dash stopped in mid-flap. “Ace Crusher? As in the Ace Crusher?”
“You know him?”
“He’s only like, the best professional wrestler ever.”
“Professional wrestling? Isn’t that all fake?” Rarity asked.
“Yeah, but it don’t mean this guy ain’t no athlete. Those wrestlers still got to stay in top physical form as I understand it,” Applejack put in.
“For a silly spectacle like that? Please.” Rarity waved her hoof dismissively. “Imagine, a bunch of grown stallions in spandex pants, toting their hulking bodies against each other, working up a manly sweat in an attempt to topple their opponents with their big hulking muscles and hunky physiques and…” Rarity stopped when she realized her friends were staring at her. She cleared hr throat and flipped her hair. “Well… it is a silly sport after all, not that I would know anything about it.”
“Uh huh.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Anyway, physically strong or not, this has to be some kind of mistake. Who is his partner?”
“HI!” a shrill voice shouted behind them, making everypony jump. “Ace Crusher doesn’t have a partner. He’s fighting alone.”
“Pinkie?” The pink party mare was smiling and giggling as she always did. “Where have you been? And how do you know that Ace is fighting alone?”
“Because he told me at the beach party last night. He joined the conga line a little after you guys left. You girls should have been there. It was a blast.”
“Knowing you, I believe it. Did you get lost trying to find your way back?”
“No. I found you guys, didn’t I?”
“Where were you all night then?” Rainbow demanded.
“The party just ended about an hour ago.”
Pinkie’s friends stared at her. “You’ve been awake all night?” Rarity asked her. Pinkie nodded and giggled. “How are you still so peppy?”
“Cause I just drank seven cups of coffee!”
“That can’t be healthy,” Twilight said quietly. “Wait a minute, does that mean Ace Crusher was up all night too?”
“No, he went to bed around midnight, so he’s well rested for his match today.”
“Too bad. Fluttershy needs all the advantage she can get,” Rainbow said glumly.
“Is he fighting Fluttershy today? He didn’t tell me that. And I thought we were friends.”
“In any case, he must be pretty confident to fight a tag match by himself. Did you by any chance learn anything about him?” Twilight asked.
“Sure. He’s a professional wrestler, he still lives with his mother, he likes chimichangas, his favorite color is blue…”
“No! Pinkie, I mean what’s he like? Is he a strong fighter?”
“I don’t know about fighting, but he’s definitely strong. You should have seen it, girls. There was like five of us who posed on a surfboard to take a picture, and Ace bench-pressed all of us. It was really awesome.”
Though Pinkie giggled on and talked some more about Ace Crusher, her friends weren’t listening anymore. Things were sounding worse and worse for Fluttershy.
Fluttershy looked at the clock and shivered on the bench. She and Photo Finish were waiting for their match to start from the locker rooms, which already didn’t smell very pleasant. Fluttershy hadn’t eaten breakfast yet, too scared at the prospect of what they were supposed to do.
“Photo Finish, are you sure we can’t give up now?”
“And lose out on all de glory? Never. Besides, I don’t want to deal with those griffons financially crushing me. Do you know what that would do to my career?”
“Couldn’t we give up after the fight starts?”
“What was I just saying? No! I, Photo Finish, will not lose my celebrity status. We are going to shine all across Equestria once again.”
“I didn’t want to shine the first time,” Fluttershy sulked, drooping on the bench.
Angel patted her hoof and glared at Photo Finish. He jumped down from the bench and hopped over to her, kicking her in the leg again. Photo glowered at him, looked to see that Fluttershy wasn’t looking, and shoved the angry little bunny into a locker.
“Come Fluttershy, it is time to pony up and face de musics. We are in this thing together, aren’t we?”
“Well… I guess but…”
“Right. And anypony who gets in our way will be turned to horsemeat! Right?”
Fluttershy gaped and wanted to cry at the notion. She just couldn’t understand why Photo would be okay with any of this. However, before Fluttershy could protest, an earth pony in a bowtie stuck his head in the locker room. “Fluttershy and Photo Finish, it’s just about time. Get ready to make your entrance.”
“Wunderbar. I’ll show those two hacks who is celebrity material.” Photo Finish smiled and rubbed her hooves together as if she were plotting something.
“Oh, and Ms. Fluttershy?” Fluttershy turned her attention to the attendant and realized it was the same pony who had asked for her autograph. “I’ll be rooting for you. I never liked that Ace Crusher fellow anyway. He deserves to die.” And this was one of Fluttershy’s fans.
“Are you ready, Fluttershy? We go!” Photo Finish started pushing Fluttershy out of the locker room door, just as she had pushed and pulled her all through her modeling career. Nothing at all had changed between them.
“No…,” Fluttershy protested meekly.
“What was that?”
“I said, no! I don’t want to fight!” Fluttershy screamed, holding all four hooves across the door as Photo tried to shove her out.
“We have to. We can’t back out now.” Photo kept pushing, but no amount of force was getting Fluttershy out of the doorway. “Do you know what would happen if we lost all our status and money?”
Fluttershy’s eyes went wide. If she lost all her money, her animal friends might starve. The critters would be devastated. They might have to go to some new faraway home where they might end up with a less caring caretaker who held them in cages. Cages.
Fluttershy hadn’t realized that her grip on the doorway had weakened until Photo had shoved her out of the locker room. Though Fluttershy was still thinking of her animals, she let Photo push her the rest of the way down the hallway where she saw a large opening at the end. As they came closer, she heard the sounds of ponies clapping and cheering. Fluttershy’s childhood fears of crowds suddenly overcame her and she wanted to scream. Her scream was heard by no one, mostly because it was so quiet of course.
“This is quite the setup,” Applejack remarked. After spending a little time exploring the inner sanctum of the building, and also buying a few things for lunch later, Applejack and the rest had convened in the main room where rows upon rows of bleachers surrounded the arena where the fighting was going to take place. “Look at the ring. I feel like I’m at a boxin’ match.”
“It does kind of resemble that. This is all looking pretty official.” After a quick search, Twilight had found that the seats Rarity had bought for them were only four rows back from the ring and almost dead center on the east side. The room was crowded with ponies and just getting to their seats was a task in itself. “I suppose this way we can see just what really goes on in this silly competition.”
Rarity looked at Twilight sternly and shook her head. “Twilight, are you even listening to yourself? Do you honestly think they would cover up something illegal by claiming it is something even worse? That doesn’t make much sense.”
“Well… uh…” Twilight looked embarrassed. “Oh, come on. I’m sure they don’t really kill each other. It’s probably just a term they use… or … something.” Twilight produced a small book from her saddlebag. “I bought an official rulebook from one of those vendors. I’m sure this will clear things up.” With that, she quickly skimmed through the book, looking for the rules of the ring.
“So, what does it say?” Rarity asked.
“Let’s see… it looks like the first half of this book outlines all the rules regarding entry and the penalties of failing to participate…,” Twilight stopped on a particular page, going wide eyed for a moment, before quickly flipping further. “They’re both participating so we don’t have to worry about that,” she said quickly, flipping through several more pages. “This is ridiculous. Where the heck is the part about the actual tournament itself?” Twilight continued flipping through the book until she reached the last page. “What?”
“What’s a matter?” Applejack asked.
“There are only six rules!”
“Huh?” her friends all gasped.
“1. Only celebrities may participate in the tournament. 2. Matches are fought one on one except in special cases. 3. Tagging in requires that tag partners touch hooves. 4. If the referee says he allows it, then it is allowed. 5. If the referee says it is not allowed, then it is not allowed. 6. Only one participant needs to die to declare victory except in special cases… and that’s it.” Twilight tossed the book aside angrily. “It doesn’t even say what the special cases are.”
“Did you just say only one participant needs to die?” Rainbow exclaimed.
Twilight froze, only then realizing what she had just read. “It can’t literally mean that. I’m sure of it. Why would Princess Celestia allow something like a real Deathmatch?”
“But it’s illegal, right? So maybe she really doesn’t know anythin’ about it?” Applejack suggested nervously.
Twilight paled. “They can’t really kill each other. This is all just a big publicity stunt. It has to be. There’s no way Princess Celestia wouldn’t know about something this big.”
“But Twilight,” Rarity began, but the sudden buzz of a microphone caught all of their attention.
“Fillies and gentlecolts, griffons and mules, today is the start and only the beginning of a very special… Celebrity Deathmatch.” The audience cheered and their hooves thundered. A short tune blared from the speakers followed by the words Celebrity Deathmatch, lighting up on large screens on all four walls of the building. Twilight swallowed. Her real investigation was about to start. Looking up, she saw two earth ponies sitting in a box with a birds eye view of the ring and all its spectators. Both were dressed in black tuxedoes. They also had two microphones sitting in front of them and looked beyond pleased to be where they were. Then one of them spoke.
“Hello, everypony. I’m Johnny Gomez.”
“And I’m Nick Diamond. Folks, you’ve been waiting for it for four long years and it’s finally here.”
“Welcome to the Celebrity Deathmatch, TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT!”
“I like the sound effects, Johnny.”
“So do I, Nick. Anyway, fight fans, we have everything from actors to singers, artists to zoologists, and all around famous ponies to all around favorites.”
“We’ve gathered the best of the best and the egocentric of the egocentric and brought them all here together under the same roof for the fight of the leap year, in our tag team tournament.”
“You love them, you hate them, you love to hate them, and hate to love them. The greatest celebrities of Equestria are here and ready to do untimely battle to the death.”
“That’s right, Johnny. We couldn’t have a better line-up here if Princess Celestia herself showed up.”
“We have a grand total of 64 teams this year, most of whom we’ve seen fight to incredible victories before. But only one of these teams will be able to claim victory in the Celebrity Deathmatch, TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT!”
“How come you only get the sound effects, Johnny?”
Twilight paled. It certainly sounded the way Photo Finish had described it.
“I don’t know, Twi. This sounds awfully real,” Applejack shouted over the crowd.
“Just you watch. It’s all an act. There’s not going to be any real murder going on. That’s just silly.” Twilight laughed nervously as loudly as she could.
“Hey, look, it’s him!” Pinkie shouted, jumping up and down.
“Now entering the ring in the red corner, professional wrestling champion, Ace Crusher!” Johnny announced.
“Wow… he is big,” Rarity commented. A large blue stallion with a short green mane pulled himself through the ropes of the ring and raised his hooves in the air. Though it was difficult to tell without a proper comparison, he looked to be slightly taller than Big Macintosh, though he did share a similar build and appearance, other than his neon green spandex pants of course.
Applejack pulled an apple out of the bag she had bought and nervously took a bite. “This is bad, ya’ll. He looks like he could take out ten Fluttershy’s.”
Rainbow Dash suddenly laughed. “Don’t worry about her. I prepped her and psyched her up as much as I could this morning. Fluttershy will be a mean, green, fighting pony like you won’t believe.”
“Look, here comes Fluttershy and Photo Finish,” Pinkie announced. Rainbow Dash took one look and facehoofed. On the other side of the ring, Photo Finish was dragging Fluttershy by her tail. The crowd whooped and hollered anyway, not seeming to care that the two were inching their way down the carpet. Even the announcers waited for them to reach the ring, where Fluttershy gave up trying to grip the carpet and instead latched on to one of the corner posts of the ring. Try as she might, Photo Finish couldn’t pry her off.
“And in the blue corner we have two newcomers to Deathmatch: Fashion photography mogul, Photo Finish, and her tag partner, former model, Fluttershy!”
The crowd roared and stamped their hooves even harder than they had for Ace Crusher. Photo Finish turned away from her partner, raised her hooves and bowed in outlandish enthusiasm. Fluttershy on the other hoof hugged the side of the ring and did her best to hide her face. Apparently, her shyness excited the audience even more because a few flowers went sailing into the arena at her hooves, consequently making her blush in further embarrassment, which made the crowd cheer even louder.
“I’m really shocked by this turn of events, Johnny. I never imagined that Equestria’s own sweetheart, Fluttershy, would come out of retirement to fight in Celebrity Deathmatch.”
“You’re not the only one, Nick. Hourly ticket sales went up by an astonish 5% as soon as word of her entry spread. There hasn’t been this much excitement over a competitor since Buck Norris.”
“Indeed. Now as I understand it, Johnny, Photo and Fluttershy are two of only four competitors this year who have never competed in Deathmatch before. We could be looking at a major upset or a major letdown with this fight.”
“In either case let’s hope for a real bloodbath and a great show, Nick.”
“Those sure are some strange commentators. Are those names foreign or something?” Applejack asked.
“Maybe they’re from another world entirely,” Pinkie suggested.
“Oh yes. I’m sure that’s it,” Rarity guffawed.
Pinkie scratched her chin in thought. They sure didn’t seem like normal ponies. However, there was at least one other thing the pink party mare noticed that seemed at least a little more important. “Twilight? Are you okay?”
“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine, Pinkie. Why do you ask?”
“Cause you’re biting your hoof.”
Twilight hadn’t even noticed. “Well… you know…” Twilight let go of her hoof, but didn’t take her eyes off the ring. “I’m sure nothing bad is going to happen. It’s just not. It can’t.” Twilight leaned forward in her seat.
Down in the ring, Ace Crusher and Photo Finish didn’t seem to be getting along very well. Ace suddenly laughed. “Fashion ponies huh. Doesn’t sound like much of a challenge.”
“You just wait, you muscle brained nincompoop. I, Photo Finish, will throw you out of de ring by your little spandex pants.”
“You keep my spandex pants out of this.”
“Hold it! Keep your distance and your insults to yourselves. I haven’t given the word yet.” A pony in a white dress shirt and black bowtie, pulled himself into the ring. Though he sported a baldhead, even Pinkie didn’t make a comment about it.
“Presenting our referee, Millhouse Lane!” The audience screamed and stomped their hooves at the frowning pony. Only five ponies didn’t join in the cheering and one of them was having an explosion in her brain.
“Millhouse Lane?!” Twilight shouted over the noise of the audience. “It can’t be him! There’s no way!”
“What’s wrong, Twi? You heard of him?” Applejack yelled over the crowd.
“Yes, but it’s just not possible. Millhouse Lane is the most respected judge in Canterlot. He can’t be here.” Twilight’s hoof shook as she pointed at him. “And yet he looks just like him… I can’t believe it… he works directly under Princess Celestia… he was a guest speaker at the magic school… I was always careful to follow everything by the book because if his inspiring speech… I dedicated my early studies to his work in the legal system!”
“There, there, Twilight. Just relax. Breathe.” Pinkie gave her a brown paper bag that she immediately breathed into frantically. “You really shouldn’t be that surprised. He’s been the referee since Deathmatch started.”
The paper bag suddenly popped from excessive air and Twilight coughed. “What are you talking about? How do you know that?”
“He was at the beach party. I told you you should have been there, Twilight.”
Twilight buried her face in her hooves. “I spent a month of research and couldn’t come up with anything, and then you find out everything there is to know after being here less than a day. Where did I go wrong?”
“I didn’t find out everything. I only met a few of the celebrities in the tournament.” Twilight didn’t care though. She was still upset that she had failed as an investigator.
Fluttershy clung to the ring, praying that it all was a bad dream that she would wake up from at any moment. However, no matter how many times she shut and opened her eyes, her surroundings never went away.
“Fluttershy, get up here! I can’t tag you when you’re down there.” Photo Finish pushed her head through the ropes and assumedly glared at her through her shades. “This is our moment to shine.”
“But… but Photo Finish, I can’t do this. It’s just not nice.”
“It’s not about being nice and it doesn’t matter what either of us wants now.” Photo jumped down to the floor to be eyelevel with the scared pegasus. “This is a matter of pride. De fans expect this. You don’t want to let your fans down do you?”
“I don’t want fans, I just want to go home.”
“If we fail, one of us isn’t going home. Do you want that?”
“Well… no but…”
“Are you really going to let him kill me?”
“I never said that.” Fluttershy let go of the corner post and peered over the side of the ring. “What can I do though? He’s so… big… and he doesn’t look very nice.
“That doesn’t mean anything.” Photo put her foreleg over Fluttershy’s shoulders and held her close. “Look, it’s two on one. We have de advantage here. I’ll weaken him first and then you tag in and finish him off.”
“With a nice song?” Fluttershy tried.
“No! With death!”
“Is that… sarcastic?”
Photo sighed. “We’ve been over this. We try to kill him and he’s going to try to kill us. It’s that simple.”
“He’s going to kill us? You didn’t tell me about that!”
“I thought it was implied. You didn’t think he was just going to stand there while we smashed him did you?”
“Well… no… but…”
This was proving to be more difficult than it needed to be. Thinking quickly, Photo decided to approach the fight from a different angle. “This guy is a professional wrestler, right?”
“Right…”
And everypony knows that professional wrestling is fake, right?”
“It is?”
Photo bit her lip, trying not to lose her temper. “Yes, it’s fake. My point is he’s not a real fighter. He may look like a perfectly toned, streamlined, and big muscled killing machine in spandex pants but he’s nothing but an actor. On top of that, he’s alone. Think of this as a freebee. We’ve won de lottery with this fight.”
“Well… if you say so,” Fluttershy said slowly though her voice was completely devoid of confidence.
“Fillies and gentlecolts,” Johnny suddenly announced. “Let’s get ready to rumble!”
Fluttershy’s heart sank. The audience roared as Millhouse ushered the competitors to step forward. Ace Crusher strutted over from his corner and Photo Finish jumped back into the ring and met him, looking him eye to shades as menacingly as she could. Fluttershy finally climbed up and cowered behind the ropes in her corner of the ring. She prayed that the tournament would end quickly and with no bad injuries to anypony.
Millhouse raised his hooves for silence. His command of the ring was well respected as the noise died and not even a cricket dared to chirp. “All right, I want a good clean fight. Ace Crusher, no excessive manly sweating. Photo Finish, no negatives. And Fluttershy… well… I’m sure you’re clean. Anyway, remember that this is a tag team match. Only one fighter per team unless I say otherwise, got it?” Photo and Fluttershy nodded. “Now let’s get it on.”
The bell rang, Millhouse stepped back, and Photo Finish and Ace Crusher prepared to kill each other.
“Get ready, Fluttershy. It’s time to make… de magicks!” With a laugh, Photo lunged and punched at Ace. However, he grabbed her hoof, picked her up, and slammed her on her back. In seconds, the famous photographer was staring at the ceiling. “What just happened?” Photo was seeing stars in a way she had never seen them before, dancing around her head. “All right, I was not expecting that. But you’re not going to get the best of Photo Finish agaaaaain-” Before Photo could even finish her sentence, Ace Crusher put her in a headlock and jumped backwards, slamming her headfirst into the corner post. Photo wailed in pain and held her head as she dizzily tried to stand up. “Okay… I’m not playing around anymore. Now you’re really going to get… de pounding!” She threw a punch but Ace Crusher caught it on his muscular chest. Ace smirked as Photo Finish screamed and pounded on his chest with both hooves as fast as she could. He chuckled as he picked her up, and slammed her flat on her back again.
“Wow, Photo, the fighting looks so real. You’re both good actors,” Fluttershy said with a smile, though she cringed a little when Crusher jabbed Photo in the stomach with his hoof.
“Photo is taking a real beating, Johnny. It looks like she might be finished, real soon.”
“That’s a terrible joke, Nick, but I think you might be right.”
“Photo Finish, are you okay? He looks like he’s really hurting you,” Fluttershy said in a low voice.
“No… no… this doesn’t hurt at all…,” Photo replied, wiping away some blood that dripped out of her mouth. “But for the sake of de show, can we switch for a while?”
“I guess so.” Fluttershy reached out for the battered photographer, but Ace Crusher pulled Photo back by the tail and held her in a choking headlock before pounding on her head with his hoof. Then he twirled her in the air and threw her at the corner post of the ring, right next to Fluttershy. “That looked really painful, Photo. Are you sure you’re all right?”
Photo peeled her face off the corner post and dizzily nodded her head, forcing one of her teeth loose. “Yes… 100%. But let’s tag anyway…” She held her hoof out, but Ace Crusher grabbed her by the tail again and pulled her out to the center of the ring. Fluttershy covered her eyes as Crusher made another move on her.
“Ohhh! That was a pretty cruel one. Ace Crusher is giving Photo Finish a run for her money, Nick.”
“With interest, Johnny.”
Photo crawled away from her tormentor and reached her hoof out for Fluttershy again. “Tag!” she shouted but Crusher pulled her back again.
Fluttershy covered her eyes again as another brutal pounding rang in her ears. It sure looked and sounded real to her.
“Tag!” Photo shouted but Ace Crusher grabbed her tail yet again and let her have some more before throwing her across the ring. Photo bounced off the ropes and straight into a clothesline by the powerful wrestler, sending her flying out of the ring and on to the floor below, once again, flat on her back. “I go…” she whispered and raised her hoof in the air, though she dropped it rather quickly.
“Photo Finish?” Fluttershy asked.
Photo Finish stared up at her, her right eye looking rather stunned through the broken lens of her shades. “For the love of Celestia… please tag…” she moaned, holding a very bent looking hoof out to Fluttershy.
“Um… okay.” The blood on Photo Finish’s face looked real too, but Fluttershy tagged the mare’s bruised hoof anyway, very lightly of course.
“And Fluttershy tags in,” Johnny announced.
“It’s time to see what the sweetest pony in Equestria can do in the most brutal tournament in Equestria, Johnny.”
“Come on! You think you can handle me?” Ace Crusher taunted.
Fluttershy gulped. It looked so real. She stepped gingerly into the ring, taking her time, daintily moving the ropes so as not to suffer a rope burn. She slunk up to the huge wrestler who impatiently tapped his hoof, waiting for her to get to him.
“Come on, Fluttershy… hit him!” Photo called from where she was still laying on the floor.
Fluttershy looked up into his face and lightly punched him in the chest, squealing as her hoof made contact. The wrestler frowned. “Really? That’s the best you’ve got?”
Fluttershy looked up at him. “I’m sorry, did I hurt you? I didn’t mean it.” The look on her face was so forgiving and so innocent that a flood of camera flashes lit up the ring. Some ponies in the audience had been waiting for Fluttershy’s reemergence in the modeling world for a long time and couldn’t pass up the chance to take her picture in one of her famous meek poses.
Millhouse however, waved his hooves around. “Hey, hey, hey! No flash photography during the match! I don’t care if she’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever laid eyes on!”
Fluttershy bit her lip in further embarrassment and stared up into Ace Crusher’s face again as if pleading with him to stop the match. Ace Crusher wound up his hoof to punch her, but found himself looking into sad, nervous, puppy dog eyes. He slowly lowered his hoof.
“Ahhh, I can’t hurt you. You’re just too cute.”
Fluttershy blushed and hid her face behind her long pink locks. “Oh… um… thank you… but… really I…”
Smack!
“Oh! That was a low blow, Johnny. A sucker punch right to Fluttershy’s face.”
“And Fluttershy retaliates by crying… wait, is she really crying?”
“I think she is, Johnny. Fluttershy is cringing on the floor, bawling her eyes out. I’ve never seen this strategy before.”
“I’m not so sure it’s a strategy, Nick.”
Ace Crusher frowned at the boohooing mare at his hooves. “Are you serious? I barely touched you.”
“I don’t know what it is about this, Johnny, but seeing Fluttershy like that actually makes me feel a little angry. I can’t believe that bully would do that to such a sweet pony.”
“It looks like the crowd doesn’t like it either. Listen to all that booing. I think Fluttershy has sympathizers in the audience, Nick.”
Ace Crusher looked around at the audience who hurled various insults at him for his blatant attack on the little pegasus, known to her biggest fans as Equestria’s sweetheart, and everypony knows that you don’t sucker punch Equestria’s sweetest pony.
“I barely touched her. She’s not even bleeding!” Despite his protest, Ace Crusher ducked his head when an empty soda can went flying past him. Then a rulebook. Then a souvenir from the gift shop.
“The Fluttershy fans are really pissed, Johnny. They’re throwing everything but the… oh never mind. There’s one. I wonder who had the strength to throw that?”
“Yeeeaaaaaah!” a rather large pony in the audience screamed.
“Oh. Guess that answers that question.”
“Lucky for Ace Crusher it was poor aim, Nick.”
With the audience chucking various items at the wrestler, he had no room to do anything but dodge and cover his face. Nopony noticed when a saddened pegasus went slinking back to her corner of the ring, or when a mostly battered earth pony finally picked herself up off the floor and tried to climb back up.
“This is crazy,” Twilight shouted over the noise of the crowd. “I can’t believe how far they’re taking this match. They really look like their trying to kill each other.”
“Twilight, I think its time you admit that your theory this is all just some stunt, is little more than wishful thinking,” Rarity said rather quietly, watching Fluttershy silently sulking and saying something unheard to Photo Finish. Probably pleading to give up, knowing her.
“Well I’m not about to let that stallion kill Fluttershy. If we’re allowed to throw stuff at him, then I say we get in on the action too,” Applejack said determinedly and pulled an apple out of the bag she had bought at the concession stands. Taking careful aim, she tossed the apple in the air and bucked it away. She smiled when it hit Ace Crusher straight in the head, knocking him to his knees.
“Look at that, Johnny. Somepony just threw food out there!”
“I can’t believe someone would do something so careless, Nick. To think that they would waste food when there are creatures starving in other countries.”
“Disgusting, Johnny. Absolutely disgusting.”
Applejack blinked in confusion. There were actually ponies looking at her now. No. They were glaring. “It was just… I mean…” Applejack lowered her hat and sunk down in her seat. “Well, that was my idea. You guys got any better ones?” she quietly asked her friends.
“No, but I think these ponies need to get their priorities straight,” Rarity commented.
Looking back down at all the confusion, most of the audience had stopped throwing junk in the ring and it seemed they had finally noticed that Fluttershy was no longer standing near Ace Crusher.
“Hey, wait a minute, Johnny. I think something is happening down there!” Nick stood up in his seat and pointed.
“You’re right, Nick. It looks like Photo Finish is taking advantage of Ace Crusher’s disorientation. She’s tagged back in and… what’s this? Is she? She is! She’s taking out her camera!”
“Wait, doesn’t that count as a weapon?” Twilight wondered.
“I’ll allow it!” Millhouse called.
“What does this mean, Johnny?”
“I’ve no idea, Nick. Is now really the best time for a photo shoot?”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “This is stupid. It’s just a camera. What’s she gonna do with- HOLY!” Rainbow couldn’t believe her eyes.
“Oh my gosh, Johnny! She’s shoving the camera down Ace Crusher’s throat, tripod and all… and she’s taking pictures!” Nick shouted, noting the flashes that illuminated from inside Ace’s mouth and nose.
“I don’t believe it, Nick! I’ve never seen anything like this! Where did she even pull that thing from?”
Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash gaped, unable to move. Until Rarity lost her breakfast on the floor anyway.
“It’s going down, Nick! Down, down…,”
“Down, down, down, down…,” the crowd chanted among Rarity’s vomiting.
“It’s through! It’s through! The camera’s come out the other end! Photo Finish has done it, Johnny!” The camera lens had clearly ripped through Ace’s spandex pants. He collapsed on the floor and choked on the tripod until he stopped moving all together. “I think we’ll have to call that one the Photo Finisher! Talk about indigestion!”
“I cannot wait for those pictures to develop, Nick.”
“A true Kodak moment, Johnny.”
“The winners are Photo Finish and Fluttershy!” Millhouse announced.
The bell rang as Millhouse held up Photo Finish’s hoof. The crowd went wild. In fact, the only ones in the building that weren’t hooting, hollering, and cheering, were a deathly pale yellow pegasus, four stunned friends, a bunny watching from the locker room, and a white unicorn drowning in a puddle of puke.