|House M.D| Something to Smile About

by ProbableSarcasm


|Case 1| Discussion


"Only I can touch the chalk board,"

I walked into my office, which contained of three doctors that shouldn't be here at all. Well, I'll allow two of them in here but three's a crowd and four is definitely an orgy. Doctor Hooves, or the pony who can't stand looking at blood but became a doctor. I wondered what he could have been if he wasn't a doctor. What kind of doctor hurls at blood in the ears, especially one caused by holes literally forming in the ears? It's really interesting, but asking Doctor Hooves what he would be if he wasn't a doctor might be boring.

Maybe he'll be a time traveler, still boring.

"You're two hours late, House" Redheart stopped her scribbles on my chalkboard, the best chalkboard in this entire building. Because that chalkboard happens to be my chalkboard, and I'm the best in this entire building. Maybe I'm the best around? I leaned on my cane as Redheart came closer and glared at me, I'm pretty sure she would have gotten in my face if I got back on my hands and knees.

"There's a filly literally bleeding into her head and you sleep in," Redheart snapped, her pearly forever scowl never leaving her face. My guess, I'm going to run out of Vicodin before I relapse into... well... Vicodin. I leaned on my cane with both hands and leaned forward, raising my right eyebrow. "Why is your pager is off?"

"I turned it off," I replied, wrinkling my forehead. "I wanted to sleep at night, and those pagers annoy me."

"The surgeons managed to take the magical cysts on the horn off, thankfully they weren't even benign..." Twilight sighed, I raised my eyebrow at that sentence. Usually not-benign meant cancer, which I don't have a friendly neigh-bor-hooded Wilson-Man to come save this kid in exchange for another failed marriage.

I turned to the other two disappointments I have as doctors, and tapped my cane on the ground. "And for my next trick, I will get answers from the hurling time traveler-"

"I'm not a time traveler," Hooves interrupted.

"-and the grape soda unicorn to tell me the results of the MRI and CT!" I continued, doing jazz-hands.

Both Twilight and Hooves blinked.

"You didn't do it, didn't you?"

"We can't," Hooves answered flatly.

"And here's the part where I tell you how to do your job as doctors," I turned to them, even Redheart turned to them. "Do your jobs you worthless employees, before I start cracking a whip at you."

"Here's the part where I tell you how to do your job as the one in charge," Twilight retorted, her front legs crossed. "She has a chrome plate in her ribs, her skull, and her L.' legs. It's in her file, if you read it."

"I did,"

I didn't, honestly. I like to skip over those things and just not care.

"So, how about that CT Scan I was promised about?" Doctor Redheart, who didn't completely steal my thunder, asked.

"We can't risk another clot in the brain, she'll literally burst," Doctor Hooves answered, "These clots aren't even regular clots, they look more of less..."

"Magical?" Twilight finished.

"Yeah," Hooves finished.

"Maybe we're looking in the wrong place, maybe it's in her heart?" Redheart threw my ball at the wall and it bounced back, hitting her in the chest.

"Will we also also find a fairy in her liver?" I pondered, "Maybe we'll get wishes as long as we don't tell anyon-"

"Shut up, House," Redheart snapped, and pretended to flinch.

"Redheart's riding the red river..." River.

"House!" Both Twilight and Cuddy snapped.

"What about enviromentals?" I snatched the chalk away from Redheart and drew Squibb lines, "Her skin is covered in leeches, because she went into the river by Appe-Butt's ("Apple Jack," Twilight interjected) farm. These leeches causes the skin sores, and they get dislodged by ear flickering and baths. They're in her system, riding every blood stream and sucking the life out of every vital organ.

"They are also great for defense, as they clot pathaways and are immune to white-blood cells.." Hooves interrupted.

"Hooves," I called, pulling the q-tip out of it's packaging quickly.

"Hmm?"

"You're fired,"

"Wha--?!" I quickly swabbed his maw of saliva with the q-tip. "What the hell was that?!"

"Rehired," I'm going to see if this guy is a time traveler or not, "Now go pluck those parasites from her brain and obliterate them with radiation."