I awoke to find Sweetie Belle gone, the sheets indicating she got out of bed. I stepped out and went to the room for our foal, and found her perched on the window sill, staring out at the clouds. I knew she was grieving so I turned around. he then spoke out of nowhere.
"It was today." At first I didn't quite know what she was talking about, until I saw the calendar on the wall. There was red permanent marker from when she marked it, and I immediately realized she was talking about the last foal.
"The doctor said I could've had them one-two, weeks ago." I saw her tears stain her fur as they trailed down her face. "We could've had a little foal Button, and I messed up that chance."
"It wasn't anything that could be helped Sweetie Belle." I remind her. I had no idea she blamed herself. She never showed or said she did.
"If I had just been doing, I could've had a little foal of my own."
"There's nothing that can be done Sweetie Belle, all we can do now is grieve. Think of the bright side-"
"There is no bright side Button!!" She snaps. "We lost our foal, and you think there's a bright side?! Don't you go through grief and hours of pain like I did!! I failed Button!! It's all my fault!!" She screamed as she stomped over to me, hot angry tears falling from her face in all directions.
"It's all, my fault...." She said in a calmer tone, her anger subsiding. "It's all my fault." She choked out the last four words. Holding a hoof to her mouth she sobbed as she embraced me. Repeating the same four words over and over again. All I could do was sit there and tell her it wasn't, that it wasn't anyone's fault. All I could do was wrap my arms around her and slide don next to her when her knees buckled underneath her. She sobbed for what seemed like hours, her words changing.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry Button." She said in a small choked voice.
"It's alright Sweetie Belle, this isn't your fault." Those words made her sob more, as though she was trying to believe me but just couldn't forgive herself.
"It's all my fault." She said again. I sat there, looking over her shoulder to the hardly noticeable tears that stained the carpet. I looked at the white walls, completely empty except for the calendar on the wall. I felt a tap against my side from Sweetie Belle's stomach, knowing it was our foal.
"When I said there was a bright side to this," I said taking Sweetie Belle of my shoulders and looking at her red and puffy face, rivers of tears flowing endlessly from her green eyes and dripping to the floor. I looked in her eyes. "I meant that we are still able to have this foal. We need to do whatever it takes to keep that chance, no matter what the cost. I want you to be happy with this foal Sweetie Belle, no matter what the outcome."
She sniffled as tears welled up in her eyes again, wiping them away she looked up with sympathetic eyes. "Ok."
Later that day, we visited the cemetery where we set a grave stone for the foal we lost. I got flowers for Sweetie Belle to set on it. She had been avoiding it for months, not wanting to have to deal with the emotional pain she was feeling now. She went to the ground, laying in front of the tombstone and setting her hoof on it. She started to sob again as the rain clouds from above filled the world with rain, falling onto her tear streaked face and flowing into the ground beneath our hooves. I took out the umbrella I brought and held it over her head, and sat next to her on the slightly damp grass.
"I miss you so much." She told the tombstone. "You're my angel, and I bet you're watching out over me from above in the clouds. She touched the grass.
"You must be so happy up there, flying around like a pegasus, free as a bird, I'm happy for you in a way, glad that you don't need to face the burden of life, to go through sadness and grief as we do down here, your heart will never be broken, but you will never feel the joy of love, or of the happy things in life, and my life will never be filled with the same happiness you have brought in my life, even if it was short lived, I'm glad that I got to have you included in my life." She looked up at the words on the and tears fell again as she read what it said.
"Sweet angel of mine where have you gone?
Why aren't you right here in my arms?
Where are your cool wings and glowing smile?
Where is the child's laugh worth my while?
"I would've been there to banish your fears
I would have been the one to wipe your tears
I would've been there to keep you safe
I would've greeted you when you were awake
I would've told you about happy stories at night
And you could've filled my life with delight
I miss your smile that gave me happiness in my life
I wish that you could be here for me to hold so tight.
I wish that you were here for me to kiss,
That I could fill your life with happiness and bliss.
"Sweet angel of mine where have you gone?
Where is the angel I'm supposed to hold?
Where is the one who would make me smile bright and bold?
Where are the wings so soft to the touch,
Don't you know that I love you so much?
"And though you may be happy way up there,
I truly do wish that you were right here.
That I could have another to see the stars in the sky
That it could've been you dear angel of mine."
Her words came out like silk, words full of the sadness and pain she felt after all this time, I felt my tears fall down my face in a river as hers did, and I made the same position as she did, holding the umbrella above us. I felt a lump form in my throat and my heart grow heavy. The rain pounding above us, as though it was keeping us down under it's heavy falls.
I looked at the glistening tombstone, so big for someone so young my foal. Sweetie Belle says she thought it would've been a filly, that it seemed that that was right. I could never see her smile, or have her call out my name, been with her when she took her first steps, or be the first one her eyes find after she's born. That will never happen.
I'll never know what friends she would've made, or the boys that she would have a crush on or vice versa, never be there on her firs day f school and watch her grow up into an independent mare I know she would've been I would never get to make her laugh, or play with her, hold and hug her so tight and never let go. Like any father does. I suddenly feel the pain Sweetie Belle had felt how could I have not thought of how she felt? How was I not sensitive to the way she felt before? I feel the heavy burden of guilt, sadness, and anger. Angry at myself for not showing any sympathy for my daughter, for Sweetie Belle. My eyes blur until my tears eventually fall over my face, trailing, dripping and falling down like rain. I feel like myself when I was young, not ever wondering of how I treated others.
From my peripheral vision, I see Sweetie Belle look up at me in what I think might be shock. Or maybe she was wondering if it was rain or my own tears falling in the grass. "I'm sorry Sweetie Belle." I choke out. I feel her embrace me her arms wrapping around my neck and taking me by surprise for a second. The umbrella falls over and I sob with her, the rain mixing with our tears, as the loving tombstone read, our sweet angel, our daughter, was gone from our lives.
As we leave I notice the stars coming out, looking over my shoulder, I see what appears to be a little filly with running in the air giggling as her barely translucent wings lift her into the air, and she dissolves to stars, that make the shape of her face for an instant, smiling and giggling and changing their positions before they went back to their regular form. I turn back around, a smile plastered on my face.
I wake up immediately, Sweetie Belle wrapped under the protection of my arm sleeping peacefully in front of me. She wakes up with a small jolt after a minute too. And I start to feel confused. Was it all a dream? Or did it actually happen? I notice the old tear streaks on her face and memories of the previous day at the grave surface. I remember holding Sweetie Belle close and tightly, and I start to feel that the only part of the day was when the filly came into view.
Since neither of us can go back to sleep, I get out of bed and wipe the tears away. Sweetie Belle does the same.
"What do you want to do?" She asked. I don't answer and step out into the hallway, Sweetie Belle keeping up with me easily. We don't say a word as we leave the house, the moon high in the sky, and the stars sprinkled across the dark blue and indigos, and pinks and purples. I walk to the hill Sweetie Belle and I view the stars at night, the same place I proposed.
I lay next to the tree, looking up at the sky above us. The pink slowly turning lighter as we stare at the stars above.
"It's been a while since we've done this huh?" She whispers, silenced by the beauty of all of the colors.
"Yeah, it has." I answer back.
"Looks like the sun is about to rise." She says as the space above gives way to the reds and oranges and different shades of pink appear as the sun begins to show it's rays across the horizon.
"Do you think it was her?" Sweetie Belle asks.
"What do you mean?"
"Maybe she's watching over us. Our guardian angel, making sure we're happy and all." She says.
"Maybe so." I say abruptly. And there we lay, watching the sun bring light to the land.