Chapter Seven: Olde visitors, new neighbors
I step carefully outside of Fluttershy’s abode. It’s good to feel the sun on my face, even though it’s a sun that Celestia controls. I walk slowly along the dirt path, admiring the scenery and puzzling over what I will do during my sentence in this land of the equines. I could always pursue knowledge about magic. Any enlightenment I could bring back to my wand design team could act as the silver lining of my stay here. The path turns into a road that leads towards…Ponyville. The name is akin to Humantown and I cannot say which sounds the most preposterous. A loud thud interrupts my thoughts. Dust is kicked up, and when it clears there is a house where none were before. The house is made almost entirely of dirt, with the exception being a red, wooden door. It would dwarf the cottage I exited moments ago. The second of its two stories has several windows, and an aquamarine pony is leaning out of one of them with a satisfied smile. “How’s it going, monsieur?” she calls down to me.
“I am well, but do you have a permit for that building?” I respond.
“Ma maison? Nopony’s ever asked about a permit before,” she smirks. “Why don’t you come in?” I accept the invitation, and the pony closes the window. She quickly opens the door for me. “I’m Dawn Twinkle,” she introduces herself.
“I’m Robert Olde,” I do the same. Dawn walks further into the house, and I follow. I spot a sofa and quickly make my way to it, eager to stop struggling against gravity with these pony legs. My host eases into an armchair. It is time for me to enforce the law! “Now about that permit-“
“I never stay anywhere for too long,” she interrupts me. “J’aime voyager, so nopony ever has time to ask about such things.” I nod in understanding. I too like to wander on occasion. However, I cannot imagine it as a long term lifestyle choice.
I ask, “Don’t you ever feel like settling down?” Dawn laughs heartily. In between chuckles, she manages to reply.
“La vie, c’est trop courte pour rester! Life is too short to sit around! I always look for the next destination.” From my understanding, Ponyville isn’t all that exciting. Celestia lives in Canterlot, so shouldn’t Dawn be living there for now?
“Why are you here?” I question.
“This town, c’est interessant! Sweet Apple Cider comes from here. It’s small but close to Canterlot, did well in the Equestria Games, and is home to a princess!” My eyes widen at the last remark. Celestia lied about where she lived? Well, of course she did. All the better to keep me, her proverbial enemy, closer. Her plan must be to placate me. She made sure I met Fluttershy first so that I’d never suspect any pony of being a spy. Thus I would never pick up on the empire of deceit and thievery that was running right in front of me.
Dawn disturbs my thoughts with a question. “Do you not like the Princess?”
“Why would you think that?” I attempt to mask my knowledge of the lies that are happening in the supposed cheerful village of Ponyville.
“You got an angry look on your face when I mentioned her,” she observes. Well, of course I’m angry! She deceived me!
“Our last few meetings haven’t gone so well,” is my first excuse. Dawn gets a twinkle in her eye, and I think I know why.
“You met the Princess?!” she exclaims, jumping from her seat.
I sigh, “Yes. She does not appreciate good, scientific research, or the care with which certain resources must be managed. She lacks an understanding of experiments, not to mention her condescending tone.”
“I always heard Princess Twilight liked scientific research. That’s another reason I came here,” she says, confused.
I ask a shocked query. “Wait, Princess Twilight?”
“Oui! Of course!” she exlaims.
“How many princesses are there in this world?” I demand. Dawn stomps her hoof and miniature figurines of ponies construct themselves from the dirt floor.
She counts them, then answers, “There are five. Celestia, Luna, Cadence, Twilight, and Séparés Cheveux de Prance.” This is world shaking. If there are more princesses, that means I am outnumbered. “J’ai beaucoup à faire. I’m a busy mare,” my hostess says, “See you tomorrow?” I leave without answering, still stunned by the news of more than one princess. How can I survive in this princess filled world? I shakily make my way closer to the town.
***
Finding myself in the want of the opulent design that reminds me of home, I draw closer to the tallest building in town. Blue-gray crystal makes up the trunk of a sort of tree. A purple castle is suspended above. All told, it is a bit gaudier than my above-ground home, but at least it is bolder. Where my home at least attempts to blend in with the suburb, this castle flaunts its differences. Who could possibly want to live in such a structure? I knock on the door, and after a moment a bipedal purple lizard with green spines opens the door. “No tours! I won’t-“he stops himself when he sees me. “Sorry, lots of ponies want to tour the castle. I’m Spike, what do you need?” What a surprise! Ponies aren’t the only sentient inhabitants of Equestria. It turns out they’ve domesticated dinosaurs into nonthreatening servants. If I can stir up a revolt, perhaps Princess Celestia will let me go home early! “I said, what do you need?” I can picture it now. A crowd of dinosaur servants holding pitchforks and torches presents a list of demands to the princess. She sighs, but has no choice but to give in. Then I step forward and she gives me a sack of gold coins. She returns me to my human form and world, then we all live happily ever-“I have stuff to do, you know. Important stuff. Gem cake related important stuff.”
“I apologize for wasting your time, my dinosaur friend. Can you give me a tour of the castle?” I request.
He scowls, “I already told you, I don’t give tours. The castle hasn’t been here very long and we still don’t know what’s in every room.” How many rooms can there possibly be inside the castle?
I ask, “Can you at least introduce me to your fellow dinosaur servants?”
“What’s a dinosaur?” the dinosaur wants to know. Clearly he has been culturally suppressed and no longer remembers what species he is.
“Well,” I reply, “a dinosaur is a type of prehistoric reptile that went extinct after a comet hit the Earth millions of years ago.” The dinosaur seems befuddled.
He wonders ponderously, “Are you from somewhere far away where dinosaur is another word for dragon?”
“You can’t possibly be implying that you’re a dragon!” I chortle.
“I am too a dragon! And not just any dragon. I’m the number one assistant of Princess Twilight Sparkle!” he indignantly rebuts. He works for a princess? Perhaps there are only a few dragon servants who only assist royalty. This revolt may be more difficult to assemble than I originally hoped.
“How many other dragons are you friends with?” I demand.
Spike scratches his head. “I met a bunch of other dragons one time, but those guys were jerks. When I ran away I met a dragon by accident. He kinda chased me out of his cave. So I guess...none.” My plans for a rebellion are officially incinerated in my mind’s eye. Now I’ve journeyed far into town on these four unstable legs for no good reason. Why does fate move in such a serpentine manner?
I sigh. “Well, unless you can introduce me to a master practitioner of the magic arts, I bid you farewell.”
“Twilight’s good at magic.” YES! FINALLY I CAN GET SOMETHING DONE IN THIS WORLD! “I’ll ask her if she wants to meet you.” And with that the purple dragon slams the door and I am left to my thoughts. I stare at a rock outside the castle. Apparently I have been transformed into a unicorn, so I should have magic powers. I reach for my wand prototype to cast a spell my way, only to find that I no longer have it. Curse you Celestia! With a deep breath I refocus on the rock. It is small, white, and dotted with gray. I attempt to force magic towards the rock. A thin aura of gray surrounds it and fizzles. This rock will not best me! I make a second attempt, and the rock hops across the ground before my spell fails again. Why is this so difficult? In my home, casting a spell is as simple as drawing a symbol in the air. Here, magic draws on my energies like a hoard of mosquitoes. I try a third time to lift the rock. It wobbles, slowly rising a few inches before falling once more to the ground. Spike opens the door. “Well, she said no at first. Then a letter from Princess Celestia came and she changed her mind. Come on in!” he invites me. At last, I can gain access to valuable information about magic! As we walk into the foyer, I start to wonder how ponies store the knowledge of the ages.
“In what manner will I obtain information on magic?” I ask Spike.
He laughs, “You’re probably gonna read a book about it.” I hate books. A computer readout is much more versatile, allowing data to be graphed and catalogued. Here I’ll have to do that all by hand-er-hoof. “Twilight might teach you too.”
“How far away is the master practitioner?” I say this because we’ve been walking for a while now and the hallway lacks doors to other rooms. Spike stops walking and consults a scroll. He turns it upside-down and frowns.
“Whoops! I guess we’re in the west wing, not the east wing,” he states apologetically, “let’s go this way.” I turn around and almost trip over my own four legs. We retrace our steps. My stomach growls as I walk the long hallway. Soon we're back at the exit. As we head towards the other side of the castle, I wonder just how intelligent my guide is. His size indicates that he is not a fully grown dragon. Perhaps I should simply take my leave, so as to avoid embarrassing him further. “I don’t know what’s going on,” he admits, confused. “Normally the throne room door is right here!” Spike gestures at a blank patch of wall. I glare at the wall, furious at it for wasting my valuable time. Suddenly, a gray beam of magic flies from my head and creates a hole in the wall, revealing a purple pony sitting at a table. She drops her portable gaming console on the table and stares at me.
As she stands, the pony peppers me with questions. “Are you really from an alternate dimension? Were you a criminal there? Is it true that magic is science in your world? How old are you? Why don’t you look like an alien? Why did you blow a hole in the wall?” This is a refreshing change of pace compared to Celestia’s usual deprecation of everything I do. All these questions make the purple pony seem inexperienced at being a princess. I never thought she would look so young.
“I am from an alternate dimension,” I answer one of her questions. I see no reason to divulge too much more information about myself. After all, I can use it as a bargaining chip later in order to find out about Equestria’s magic. I introduce myself, “My name is Robert Olde.”
“I’m Twilight Sparkle,” she says while moving close enough to shake my hoof, “sorry I got excited, I just have so many questions for you!” I’ve got a few questions for her. To begin, why has it taken so long to find her? As a princess, shouldn’t she be prepared to answer to her subjects’ needs? Or is she inept enough that nobody wants her advice? Instead of asking any of these, I simply respond to Twilight.
“I too have questions, however first I would like some food.” Spike runs off as though a wolf is snapping at his heels. Twilight watches him go before turning back to stare at me. “Is he getting something to eat?” I question. The princess looks vacantly at me. What could possibly be more important to her than my question? I attempt to break the ice. “With what amusements do you pass the time?” My question goes unanswered; she seems completely lost in her own thoughts. “Do you have any hobbies?” Perhaps staring at people is one of them, because the princess fails to respond once more. I consider simply finding a book about magic, but Spike returns with food.
He proudly announces, “One plate of Abyssinian pastries. They’re homemade!” I attempt futilely to lift a pastry with one of my hooves. After several failed attempts, I manage to grasp the pastry. I try to hold it high in the air in a celebration of victory. Instead my prize flies into the face of Princess Twilight “vacant stare” Sparkle. This snaps her out of her thoughts and puts me in a moral dilemma. Should I take responsibility for my actions and risk the rage of a Princess? Is it a better idea to blame someone else for the accident? The choice is actually very easy as soon as Twilight looks about angrily for her assailant.
“Princess Twilight! Thank goodness you’ve snapped out of your stupor! Spike was going to keep throwing those at you until you woke up,” I exclaim earnestly. Years of running my hotel corporation mean that I am a good liar. Twilight glares at Spike.
He makes an attempt to defend himself, “It wasn’t me! Come on Twilight, he’s only here because he’s evil!” This would never hold up in a court of law, and maybe not even at a board meeting.
I attack his argument, “The definition of evil does not describe me in the least. My business is rarely sued for any corporately irresponsible actions. A mere 5% of all customers leave negative feedback, and it was voted the best place to work several years in a row.”
“Your business isn’t evil, but are you?” Twilight asks, throwing me off balance a little.
I don’t show it, however, “I am a gardener. My business is a kumquat that I have harvested from a bush I’ve watered for many years.”
“Huh?” Spike seems confused by my extended metaphor. That was my intention. I also avoided addressing the issue of whether I'm evil or not.
"That didn't answer my question at all," Twilight says, annoyed. Drat! She's onto me! "Are you, or are you not, evil?" Truthfully, I don't know. Fortunately, I don't have to tell the truth.
"No." That was easy. Twilight stares at me again. Then she whispers something in Spike's ear. He runs out of the room, and the Princess of staring stares once more.
Then she states, "I'm going to ask you if you're evil again. When I do, my friend will know if you're lying." I try to remain outwardly calm, but a traitorous drop of sweat slides down my forehead. How can I answer a question truthfully if I do not actually know the answer?