My Little Neptunia: Friendship is something-not-involving-Noire...
Neptune?
“Yeeees?”
Did you… change the title of my story?
“Maaayyyybe?”
…Dammit Neptune.
My Little Neptunia: The Magic of Friendship
“Aww, I liked mine better,” Neptune pouted as she lazed around the Basilicom. It was another boring day of doing absolutely nothing. It was a peaceful day and that meant snacks and naptime for the Goddess of Planeptune.
“Well, at least I’m the main character again,” Neptune sighed, reaching for another pudding cup.
For now.
“Wait what?” Neptune’s idle banter with thin air was interrupted by Histoire, the Basilicom’s Oracle and constant nag that ruined the poor, innocent, beautiful maiden that was Neptune and her free time…
Dammit Nep!
*Ahem*
“Neptune, if you insist on doing nothing, as usual,” Histoire deadpanned. “You could at least go out on patrol, perhaps take a Quest or two from the Guild?”
“Aw, c’mon Histy, I got important work right here,” Neptune pouted. “This is a new flavour of pudding and I hafta discern if it stacks up to my personal favourite. Flavour, consistency, texture, even smell…”
“I don’t know if i should be impressed at your dedication to pudding, or utterly aghast at how lazy you are,” Histoire sighed. “Now how about you go and earn some Shares, or I’ll have Nepgear cut off your pudding supply!”
“You wouldn’t?” Neptune gasped, staring at the face of evil incarnate.
Histoire leaned in close, her eyes narrowed as her nose almost touched Nep’s.
“Try me.”
So naturally, this led the beautiful and stunningly sexy…
…really?
“Okay, last time, I swear on my honour as a CPU,” Neptune crossed her heart and dotted her i’s.
Yeah, whatever that amounts to...
Aaaaanyway, so the lone CPU strode through the forest. While Histy had said she should get out of the Basilicom, she didn’t say she couldn’t go to another one~
“I wonder what my ol’ buddy Noire is up to these days~”
Noire sneezed as she looked out of her office window. She pressed a button, activating the intercom on her desk.
“Uni? Could you bring me some painkillers?”
“Sure!” Uni’s chipper tone responded. “Are you getting a headache?”
“Just… preparing in advance,” Noire shuddered, a foreboding shiver working it’s way up her spine.
Though, even as Neptune walked through the peaceful woods, a sinister shadow watched her every move. Crimson eyes narrowing as the empty-headed girl kept on walking, oblivious to the danger that awaited her.
“Well, lemme read the script then!”
Neptune…
“Oh, right, my bad~”
‘Now is the day I finally have my revenge. Years of plotting, waiting, getting beaten again and again and again!!’
‘Oh gods that is embarrassing…’
‘Where was I? Oh, yes, REVENGE!’
The dark figure clutched a dark crystal, the object leaking black embers as her partner looked at it with no small amount of fear.
“Y’know chump? is it really a good idea to use that? You know what happened last time that power got used.”
“If it gets rid of that annoying, grating, insufferable-!” Arfoire cut herself off, getting angry now would only hinder her plan. This would take cunning, careful, well-thought strategy…
Oooor, she could just jump out and throw the damned thing at her.
“Plan B it is!” she chuckled madly as she leapt from the bushes.
“Holey Random Encounters!” Neptune exclaimed. “Uhh… who are you again?”
Arfoire grit her teeth, a rather pronounced vein twitching violently on her forehead. She wanted to punch her, beat her until the only thing left to identify her would be dental records. But not this time, this revenge would be petty, cheap and oh-so-delicious~
“Not this time!” she said under her breath. “No friends, no CPU’s, no convenient, contrived plot twists. This time, I. WIN!” She lifted her leg, showing waaay too much for an old lady, cocked her arm back and pitched the stone with everything she had.
Neptune’s arm moved and she brought her sword down, cutting the crystal only a few inches away. It would have been a totally awesome move, like something from an anime or a ninja game.
If the crystal hadn’t exploded on contact that is. The time/space energies contained within were unleashed and the area was engulfed in a dark inferno.
“Oooh, this is soooo deja’vu,” Neptune noticed. “Wait, this is totally a bad thing, right?”
“Aaaahahahahahaa! DIE!” Arfoire cackled, until Pirachu tapped her leg with a paw.
“Uh, old lady chump? You do realise that we’re trapped too. Right?”
Arfoire looked around, the ring of fire surrounding all three of them, encasing them in utter darkness.
“Admittedly, I may not have thought this all the way through," Arfoire said with a calm tone. The only thing that soon remained was a blackened patch of ground and three fading screams…
It was a perfect day in Ponyville. Celestia’s sun was shining, the birds were singing and Princess Twilight Sparkle was hopelessly lost in her own castle.
“Again,” she muttered as she walked the endless, identical halls. While some sparse decorations had been placed, this castle was far too big for it’s own good and one would have thought that a powerful Alicorn, with a photographic memory… wouldn’t keep getting lost in her own freaking home!
She winced as the bright sunlight caught her eyes and she found herself on a balcony.
“Well, at least I’m outside?” she replied to herself. Ladies and Gentlemen, Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship.
Her ear gave a flick as a curious sound made itself known. It was familiar, yet different and twilight found herself pondering it somewhat. She looked over the edge, and spying a tourist or two taking photos. No, that wasn’t it. She gave another look around, but a familiar pink mane was nowhere to be seen… yet.
“What is that noise?” she muttered as she cast her gaze upwards. “Ooh, it’s just a pony falling from the sky.” She gave a small chuckle and smiled. Well, mystery solved gang. Good job, full marks all round.
“Wai’ wha’?” She looked back up as the pony got closer.
And closer.
“And OH SWEET CELESTIA! It’s coming right for me!” Twilight turned to run, but the effort was futile. The pony slammed into the little Alicorn with all the grace of a falling piano. Yes, she could make that comparison! Falling piano’s hurt like a—
Let’s keep it PG, kay~
With the wind knocked out of her, Twilight lay in a daze as the pony atop of her groaned, placing a hoof to her head and rubbing it.
“Ouchies! What a familiar and yet, totally different sensation-nation,” she giggled. “I think I broke the sound barrier that time!”
“You broke something alright,” a voice said. The mare looked up to see a little dragon standing there. A plushie Unicorn in one claw, and a cup of coffee in the other. He’d come out to see what the ruckus was, but it was just the usual. While this mare wasn’t Rainbow Dash this time, Spike just shrugged it off as a normal Tuesday and headed back inside.
“Gerr rrff!” a muffled voice uttered from under her. The mare scooted over, well, more like tumbled, but the end result was the same. Twilight was free, and she wouldn’t have to find out if it was possible to kill an Alicorn via suffocation.
“For the love of— Rainbow… Dash…?” she blinked as she looked at the pony before her. It wasn’t her prismatic-maned friend, but an earth Pony with a lilac-coloured mane and tail, a white coat and a rather odd Cutie Mark. It looked like a grey plus-shape with a small triangle on each end.
“Uh, who… are you?” Twilight questioned, picking up the mare with her magic and set her on her hooves. This proved to be pointless, as she just fell back over again.
“Just your friendly neighbourhood Goddess, Neptune!” she declared. “And I am having sooo much trouble standing up right now.” She tried to stand on her hind hooves, only to fall flat on her back. “Gah! Now, if I just put my hands… here?”
All was silent for a moment.
“WHERE ARE MY HANDS!?” this ‘Neptune’ cried. “A-And, my feet… my… my…” she sniffled as she grasped at her furred chest. “Oh for the love of all things digital! Where are my boobs!?”
Yep, this one had real, honest priorities.
“Uh, are you okay?” Twilight asked as Neptune looked up to see who was talking. And then she screamed again.
“A Unicorn? An actual, pink-aisle born Unicorn?” she gasped as her inner child screamed with joy. There was a lot of screaming today.
“Alicorn, if you want to get technical,” Twilight muttered. Some ponies were so under-educated these days. She blamed the system. “My name is Twilight Sparkle. And you are?”
“Like I said Sparky, the name is Neptune. Also, Nep, Nep-Nep and Neppy are acceptable. Supreme Goddess of all things Sexy is also approved!”
“Let’s just stick with Neptune,” Twilight sighed with exasperation. The day was just starting and she was already tired. “So, may I ask why you fell from the sky? You clearly aren’t a Pegasus, nor could you have misplaced a Teleport spell as a Unicorn.”
“Ehhh, it happens, though it’s a little odd I didn’t land on my trusty ol’ landing pad Noire this time,” Neptune sighed. “Do you have pudding? I’m hungry.”
“I… what?” Twilight’s brain ground to a halt. This mare was…
“I think I need to call Pinkie,’ she sighed. Yep, this was it. The coming of the End Times.
“Sooo, still waiting on that pudding,” Neptune waved a hoof in a lazy circle.
“Check the fridge,” Twilight sighed. “I need to pay somepony a visit. Can you please remain here in the castle until I return?”
“Roger-dodger!” Neptune saluted. She stood on her hind hooves again and leaned against the wall, inching slowly down the hallway.
“I feel like I’m the butt of some horrible cosmic joke,” Twilight sighed as she spread her wings and took off for Sugar Cube Corner.
Worlds away, Noire gasped as her heart resonated with someone faaaar away. It was the feeling of a kindred spirit. One who knew her pain.
Slowly but surely, Neptune came across a huge room, one that held a massive chandelier made from the roots of an old tree. Hundreds of crystal dangled from it and shone with a gentle light.
“Oooh, shiny~” she giggled as she inched her way around the wall. The dragon from before watched her with a curious expression as he ate some cereal.
“Um, what are you doing?” he asked.
“Well, I seem to keep falling on my butt cause my feet are hiding from me,” Neptune sighed.
“I dunno,” Spike sighed. “Have you tried walking on all fours like everypony else?”
Neptune looked at him, before dropping down to all four hooves and blinking in surprise. “Oooh, this is so much better~” she skipped and trotted off into the halls again. The hunt for the kitchen is go!
“Twilight has the weirdest friends,” Spike sighed again.
“And so, when the batter was gearing up for the conquest of Equestria, I was ready!” Pinkie declared as she followed Twilight back to her home. “The Legendary Spatula of Spanking in one hoof, the Whisk of the Wilds in the other. It would be a battle sung by bards and particularly talented jesters for ages to come!”
“Pinkie… what are you talking about?” Twilight replied, having not listened to a single word.
“My totally epic dream where Luna and I save Equestria from Captain Chaos and his Cupcake Confederate!”
“Why do I feel like I am making a horrible mistake?” Twilight groaned. This was going to end in tears, explosions and possibly a lawsuit. Once they got into the castle, they found the mare known as Neptune pacing around the throne room. She had a pudding cup balanced on the tip of her nose as Spike counted each step she took.
Ninety Nine, One Hundred!’ he declared. “Well Nep, you took one hundred steps without dropping the pudding. I admit defeat.”
“Mwahaha!’ Neptune laughed dramatically. “And my Agility went up a little. Hooray for Achievements!”
“Oooh, the steps one!’ Pinkie said. “Good job, you should try the jumping one next!”
“Good idea, little pink pony of pretty pontifferic proportions!”
Twilight gave a visible twitch at the horrible grammar. You don’t make up words, just for the sake of alliteration!
“Heehee!” Pinkie snort-giggled. “My name’s Pinkie Pie, what’s yours?”
“Neptune!” she replied, now balancing on one of her hind legs, holding the pudding up dramatically. “Dah, dahdah duh daaaah!”
“Hey. Listen!” Pinkie ran over to her. “You’re totally new in Ponyville right?”
“Is that what this nation of easily merchandisable cuteness is called?” Neptune hummed as she finally dropped to all fours. “It’s very… punny~”
“Ponyville is a town, not a nation!’ Twilight stated. “And while it technically falls under my jurisdiction as a Princess, making it a kingdom, I don’t feel comfortable calling it that. Equestria is the name of this nation. It sits between the Crystal Empire and the Griffon Republic.”
“Thanks for the Nepedia update Histy 2.0!” Neptune giggled. “So, you were saying Pinks?”
“Oh yeah! You’re totally new in town, so you know what that means right?”
“Totally awesometasticbombastic party?” Neptune asked without missing a beat.
“Yepper-deppers!” Pinkie giggled. “You’re fun. You wanna be friends?”
“Totes my goats!” Neptune nodded and took Pinkie’s hoof with her own. “Oooh, magnetic Not-hands!”
“Yay~” Pinkie cheered, pulling Neppy into a hug that may have cracked a rib or three.
“Ack! Pink buddy?” she wheezed as she felt her HP slipping away. “I… need… to breathe!”
“Whoops, I forgot some ponies do that,” she snorted. “Gotta dash like a flash! I have a party to plan!” Once she zoomed off, Twilight looked up from the table she was hiding under. There were… no screams? Fires? Dragons consuming the souls of the dead? She blinked and then crawled back out into the open. “Well… Spike, take a note please?”
The dragon nodded at his sister-figure, a quill and some parchment appearing in his claws.
“Never. ever, EVER! Leave those two alone for any period of time.”
Twilight rubbed her temple as she stared at her newest acquaintance. “Okay, so let me get this straight. You’re a Goddess, a being of unfathomable power from another universe. And somehow, you wound up here… looking like that, which you claim isn’t your real form. And you just so happen to crash land on me?”
“Well, I woulda landed on Noire-poo, but she doesn’t seem to be around. You must be this world's equivalent then. Tell me, are you a lonely tsundere with an anal work ethic and have a thing for cosplay?”
“I… have no response for that,” Twilight sighed.
“She used to be!” Spike laughed. “Well, minus the ‘cosplay’ thing. But then Princess Celestia told her to get some friends. And after everything was said and done, she’s now the Princess of Friendship!”
“Whoaaaa, so like, the total opposite of Noire!” Neptune tapped her chin thoughtfully. “I wonder if there’s a me in this world too? That’d be kinda neat to meet a Nep-Ponysona.”
“I seriously hope not,” Twilight replied with an exasperated sigh. This mare was already way more trouble than Twilight could deal with. But something still stuck in her mind.
She’d mentioned a few times that she was a goddess, and yet…
Yeah, there was no way that Twilight could see this insane mare as one. And if she was, then Twilight truly pitied the world she governed.
“Why do I feel like you’re attacking my character off-screen Sparky?” Neptune hummed as she finished off her pudding. “If so, totally not cool.”
“You claim to be a goddess,” Twilight rebuttled. “Prove it.”
“Um, wat?”
“Prove it,” Twilight smirked as she looked the mare over. “I want to see irrefutable proof you are what you claim to be.”
Neptune frowned, but nodded. “Okay, you wanna see something? Fine! This isn’t even my final form!” She closed her eyes as she went to access her Hard Drive Divinity form. Spike leaned forward in his seat, hoping to see something cool.
“Here we go! HDD mode, ACTIVATE!” Neptune yelled.
…
…
“…Well?” Twilight asked, her eyebrow raising like a guillotine, with Neptune as her target. “I’m waiting.”
“Just… gimme a sec,” Neptune replied. “Maybe I got a 404 Error? Divinity Not Found? Aww, don’t tell me the author is using that schtick? Come on, that’s just lazy writing dude.”
Well, shoulda thought about that before you screwed with my fic. This is your just desserts!
“Really? You couldn’t have like, buried me in pudding or something?”
You would have enjoyed that.
“Touche.”
Twilight and Spike watched, the former was concerned now, the latter just confused. The small drake looked at his sister and blinked.
“Is she… okay?”
“I don’t know Spike. Maybe she has a condition? I should probably call a doctor.”
“No, she’s arguing with someone,” Pinkie nodded. “I wouldn’t be too concerned though. He’ll likely toss her a bone soon.”
Twilight yelped as her pink friends appeared, you’d think she’d be used to it by now.
“I know right?” Pinkie sighed and shook her head.
Oh no, not you too. Neptune is a pain in the ass as is.
Pinkie shrugged and smiled. Yeah, okay, this joke is getting old. Moving on!
“So what do we do?” Spike asked Twilight. “Toss her out?”
“Well, she does seem to be lost, so I can’t really throw her out until we find out who she is and where she came from,” Twilight replied. “I’ll pay a visit to the guard-station later. Maybe somepony is looking for her?”
“Oh, idea!” Neptune said as she ran over. “Last time this happened. I found a Mini Histy to contact my Histy that was in another dimension. Do you have a Histoire here?”
“That’s… Prench for histories right? Sooo, a history book?”
“She’ll be cute, tiny and have a short temper. Also, she’s kiiind of a buzzkill,” Neptune explained.
“Um, books can’t talk,” Twilight replied. Oh, but only if they could. Twilight swooned and giggled at that thought.
“Um, is she alright?” Neptune asked Spike, pointing at the giggling Alicorn. The dragon shrugged, his daily quota of crazy long since reached.
“Yeah, this is actually kinda normal for her. Now, when she finally comes back down to Equus. Can you tell her I’ve gone to see Rarity?”
“Ohh, who’s that?” Neptune inquired and upon seeing the small blush on his face, let out a poorly disguised giggle. “Is that your girlfriend~?”
“W-Well,” Spike said bashfully, twirling his thumbs together. “Maybe… someday?”
“Well that’s awesome! Oh? I could totally be your wingman!” she giggled. “I think Sparky is having a seizure or something. And I wanna check out the town so let’s go!”
Well this was new. A couple of ponies knew about his super secret crush, but Nep was the first to offer to actually help him with it.
Hay, what was the worst that could happen?
“Sweet, let’s go then!” Spike beamed and the two left the giggling Twilight to dream of talking books.
When said Alicorn came to a while later, she blinked and looked around the now empty castle.
“Huh? Where’d everypony go?”
Pirachu kicked a small rock as he walked around the dank forest. Ever since the old hag pulled that crap with the rock, things had gone from bad to total bulls—
He flinched as a twig snapped. He’d already run from a massive dragon with three heads, a scorpion-lion thing and a sea-serpent with waaay too much fabulousness.
“This sucks chump! I wanna go home, hug my beloved angel Compa and fall asleep in her lap. But no, I get dragged on some stupid… whatever this is. I’m hungry. I’m cold and I’m really pissed off!”
“Oh suck it up!” a voice called out from the darkness. It was familiar somehow as Pirachu froze up. Familiar… but different.
“W-who’s there? I’ll have you know, I taste terrible!”
“I have no doubts about that!” the voice snapped again as a figure emerged. She looked like a horse crossed with a bug. Her legs were dotted with holes and her purple, ratted mane clung to her body.
“So, this is where you’ve been hiding Rat,” she hissed, those crimson eyes staring into his own.
“No way…” he whispered. “O-Old hag…?”
“I SAID NOT TO CALL ME THAT!” she roared, crimson flames shooting from the ground as her horn blazed with power. “I will end you without a second thought Rat!”
“Pfft, I’m like your only friend,” he said with a bored tone. “Still…” he looked over her new form and hummed thoughtfully. “What are you?”
“I have no idea,” Arfoire admitted as the flames died down. Her horn still shone as a wolf made from wood emerged, it’s jaws dripping with saliva as it stared hungrily at Pirachu.
“Aw chump! Not you again!” he wailed as was about to make a break for it. The Timberwolf leapt, but never made it as a beam of energy fired from Arfoire’s horn, vapourising the creature until only faint wisps of smoke remained.
“I don’t know what I am,” she repeated. “But I like it!”