//------------------------------// // Disorder In The Court // Story: The Napoleons: The Confessions & Revelations Of The Greatest Mafia Family // by Bluecatcinema //------------------------------// 'Now we move on to Larceny Atticus "Lars" Napoleon, the brains of our family operation. He was always the logical one, preferring to use his brains in tough spots (but that's not to say he couldn't rumble with the best of them). His intelligence even outstripped Anarchy's (though Anarchy focused his on the family business). Even as a colt, Lars was always an excellent thief, managing to swipe things from others, usually by employing his smarts to trick them. In fact, there was this one time when a crooked tradespony came to town, looking to fleece some unsuspecting suckers. Lars had Murray keep him talking, then snuck onto the tradespony's cart and took everything the shyster had, without leaving a shred of evidence. As he returned home, carrying in his spoils for all to see, he gained his Cutie Mark, and realised that his special talent matched his name: Larceny.' 'He was truly a pony of many talents; calculating taxes, bank telling, teaching, chemistry, metallurgy and even engineering. His best talents (aside from stealing) lies in lawyering. When it came to courtroom affairs, Lars was unstoppable. He would run mental rings around his opponents, effortlessly taking advantage of any and all legal loopholes, ensuring victory for our side. In fact, there was this one case where he effortlessly defended three of our best operatives (Greg, Big Guns, and Carapace), who had been caught dead to rights by the cops in the middle of a job gone wrong.' In Roam's main courthouse, Lars, decked out in his best suit, was in the thick of the trial of Greg, Big Guns and Carapace. While the three operatives looked terrified, Lars was cool, calm and in complete control. Grimoire and the others were in the crowd, watching events unfold. The prosecutor was one Johnny Cloprane, an Earth Pony lawyer sent over from the justice department. Johnny was determined to have the three operatives put away, and felt confident he could pull it off. "Your honor, we have seen the evidence." He told the judge. "We have heard the testimonies from the police officers who arrived on the scene, saying that they caught these three felons with the stolen goods. They are clearly thieves and criminals. At this point, the verdict is a mere formality." He tuned to the jury. "Ladies and gentlecolts of the jury, I trust you will find these criminals guilty. I rest my case." "This isn't looking too good." Sonny whispered. "Guess we gotta find us three new operatives." Slot added, "Too bad Buffalos, Griffons, and Changelings are hard to come by in Roam." "It's not over, fellas." Murray declared. "Got that right." Salt smiled. "Until the final bell rings, a fight can go either way." "I'm starving." Caboose muttered. "Why isn't there any food at this court?" "Keep the faith, boys." Grimoire smiled. "Lars is about to dazzle them. He always wait till the last moment to unleash his secret weapon..." "Plaintiff, your closing arguments?" The judge, a slate gray Earth Pony, urged. "Of course, your honor." Lars smiled. He pulled out an easel from under his seat, and brought it with him as he addressed the jury. "Ladies and gentlecolts of this supposed jury, my opponent would certainly want you to believe that my clients are guilty." He declared. "And he makes a good case. Heck, I almost believed him myself! But, ladies and gentlecolts of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider." Lars set up an easel, and revealed what was on it; A picture of a large, hairy pony-like creature. The creature was a character from a popular series of films; In fact, everypony in the courtroom knew his name. "What the buck is he doing?" Gregory asked. "Got me." Big Guns shrugged. "Let's hope he's going somewhere with this." Carapace frowned. The other Napoleons smiled, knowing what was about to happen. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbuccka." Lars declared. "Chewbuccka is a Wookolt, from the planet Kyshyack. But Chewbuccka lives on the planet Endraft. Now think about that; that does not make sense!" "Dammit!" Johnny scowled. "He's using the Chewbuccka Defense!" "Why would a Wookolt, an eight foot tall Wookolt, want to live on Endraft, with a bunch of two foot tall Cutiewoks?" Lars asked the jury. "That does not make sense! But more importantly, you have to ask yourself, 'what does that have to do with this case?' Nothing. Ladies and Gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case. It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer, defending three gentlefolk, and I'm talkin' about Chewbuccka! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room, deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emaresipation Proclamation, does it make sense? No!" The jury stared, utterly nonplussed. "Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense!" Lars repeated. "If Chewbuccka lives on Endraft, you must acquit! The defense rests, your honor." Lars took down the easel, and sat back down beside Gregory, Big Guns and Carapace. "The, ah... jury will now deliberate." The judge said awkwardly. "What was that?" Gregory asked. "All that crap you just spat out?" "That was the sweet sound of freedom, gents." Lars smirked. "Seriously, Mr. Napoleon?" Big Guns frowned. "You think babbling on about a fictional character's choice of home will be enough to turn the tide?" "Don't be so quick to judge." Carapace declared. "I've heard of Lars winning with this defense before." "I thought that was just a rumor." Gregory admitted. "Oh, it's real." Lars smiled. "Trust me, boys. You'll all be walking out as free as birds." "I sure hope so." Carapace grimaced. "I left my hive because I didn't like cramped spaces. I am not going to spend the next couple of years in a cell." "You say that like we have a choice." Big Guns declared, as the bailiffs came to lead the trio to the holding cell for the recess period. A short while later, they all reconvened. The head juror, a periwinkle Pegasus stepped forward. "Your honor, we, the jury, find the defendants... not guilty." He announced. "Yes!!" Caboose whooped. "Good call! Good call! Churn the butter!" Johnny slammed his hoof on his desk. "Damn you, Napoleon." He growled. "You and your Chewbuccka defense..." The Napoleons, alongside their operatives, exited the building together. "What did I tell you guys?" Lars smiled. "I told you it would work." "I was skeptical." Gregory declared. "but that crazy defense of yours really worked." "It's funny, though." Big Guns remarked. "You're usually so logical, yet your secret weapon is totally illogical." "Well, logic can't solve every problem." Lars smiled. "And even illogical things can be utilised to win the day." "If you guys are confused, then join the club." Slot snarked. "I've been confused since I got here." Caboose admitted. "Thanks, Lars." Carapace smiled. "We're all free because of you." "Think nothing of it." Lars grinned. "After all, we'd hate to lose three of our best operatives." "Nah, you'd just replace us." Gregory shrugged. "Of course we wouldn't." Murray declared. "There ain't noponies like you out there." "That's right." Sonny nodded. "You're a part of our organisation. Practically family, in fact." "Aw, thanks." Big Guns smiled. "Enough mush." Salt snorted. "What say we go out to lunch and celebrate?" "I am pretty hungry." Gregory nodded. "And maybe later, we can head home, and I can crack open one of my vintage wines?" Vinny suggested. "With pleasure." Big Guns grinned. "Then let's get going." Grimoire declared. "We have much to celebrate!" 'Ah, yes. Lars' famous "Chewbuccka Defense". Winning his legal arguments through spouting out utter nonsense about a character from some movie (I don't really know the name... I was never a fan), resulting in the jury being too confused to disagree with him. Not to say that was the only trick Lars had up his sleeve, but it was his most trusted one. It never failed. As such, he tended to save it for the most dire of situations, out of a need to not overly rely on it. As the years went by, Lars met and settled down with Lyra, the one pony who shared his fascination with so-called "humans." He took a job at the School For Gifted Unicorns in Canterlot. Following our family's outing, he was no longer required to act as a lawyer, though he kept the skills sharp, just in case. Which was just as well, since he was called upon to flew those legal muscles one more time, in a tale we shall know as...' Chapter Twenty-Two: Disorder In The Court It was a regular day in Canterlot. Lars had just returned home from teaching at the school. Lyra was already waiting for him. "Hey, handsome." Lyra grinned, kissing him on the cheek. "How was your day?" "Not too shabby." Lars smiled. "I taught the students a little about ambiomorphic spells. They picked it up pretty fast. A really sharp bunch of kids, I must say." "Or maybe they just have a really great teacher." Lyra pointed out. "Also a good possibility." Lars chuckled. "How about you? How was your day?" "I hung out with the gals." Lyra declared. "Moondancer and I had a really great talk about the ways of humans. She was a little skeptical at first, but since their existence can't really be denied, she admitted that they could be real." "That's my girl." Lars chuckled. "Winning through a logical argument." "I learned from the best." Lyra nuzzled him. "Another logical statement." Lars grinned, cuddling her. "And I always reward a good student..." "With more than an A+, I'll bet." Lyra chuckled. "You know it." Lars kissed her. At that point, the phone rang. "Typical." Lyra groaned, as she and Lars separated. "I've got it." Lars picked it up. "Hello?" "Hey, Lars." A gruff, yet familiar voice drawled. "Remember me?" "That voice..." Lars frowned. "Slugfest?" "The one and only." The voice replied. Slugfest was one of the Napoleons' associates, a mercenary legbreaker who would put the hit out on anypony... for the right price. "How exactly did you know I was in Canterlot?" Lars asked. "It wasn't easy." Slugfest chuckled. "But I tracked you down eventually. Which actually worked out for me, since I need your help." "My help?" Lars frowned. "Yep." Slugfest replied. "Truth is, I'm in your area now. The local lock-up, in fact." "You've been arrested?" Lars asked. "Yeah, but on a bum rap." Slugfest declared. "And I need your legal know-how to get out." "Well..." Lars mused. "Come on." Slugfest pleaded. "I used my one phone call to ask for your help. You gotta say 'yes'!" Lars mulled things over. It had been a while since he had been in a courtroom setting. It would feel quite good to win just one more case. "Okay, I'll do it." Lars agreed. "You're a lifesaver, pal." Slugfest said with relief. "Pop on down the lockup, and we'll talk." "I'll be there soon." Lars declared, before hanging up. "Who was that?" Lyra asked. "An old associate, asking me to defend him in court." Lars declared. "And you're going to do it?" Lyra frowned. "I know what you're thinking." Lars told her. "But he told me it's a bum rap. Besides, it's not likely to be anything major." "Well, if he's a friend of yours, he probably isn't too bad... right?" Lyra smiled hopefully. "Right." Lars nodded. "He's a legbreaker, not a contract killer. The worse he's ever done is put somepony in traction." The next morning, Lars trotted over to the police station, discussing the matter with Slugfest. "So, what exactly are they accusing you of?" Lars asked. Slugfest, a light brown Earth Pony with a short red mane, blue eyes, and a Cutie Mark of two hooves colliding, scowled angrily. "They're pulling me in for assaulting and stealing from this big time tycoon guy, Net Profit." Slugfest revealed. "I've heard of him. He built up this big-time trading company from scratch. Made his first million in less than a year." Lars nodded. "So what's the deal here? You didn't really attack him?" "Actually, I did." Slugfest admitted. "But it was for a good reason! The guy was takin' money from his own company, leaving his workers with cheap pay and no benefits! My buddy works there. When I found out, I went over to give Profit a piece of my mind. I took some of his money to give to my pal, and when the guy tried to stop me, I gave him a whuppin'. Simple as that." "Well, if Profit has indeed been embezzling from his own company, that should make this a pretty open and shut case." Lars smiled. "We can get you off on a technicality. Justified use of force." "Oh, it was justified alright." Slugfest smirked. "Old creep had it comin'." "You have nothing to worry about anyway." Lars smiled. "I've never lost a case. Not once." "I know." Slugfest grinned. "That's why I called you." As the date for the court case rolled towards him, Lars spent much of his time researching evidence and witnesses, and was fairly certain he could win, even without resorting to the Chewbuccka Defense. "Ah, this feels so good." He told Lyra on the eve of the case. "It's been so long since I've had a chance to put my soliciting skills to the test." "From what I've heard, you should have no problems clinching this." Lyra smiled. "Tell me something I don't know." Lars boasted. "I was the best lawyer in Bitaly. I doubt very much that any of Canterlot's legal division can pull one over on me." "Speaking of, have they said anything about who's representing Net?" Lyra asked. "Not yet." Lars declared. "I expect I'll find out tomorrow." The morning, Lars made his way to Canterlot's courthouse, joining Slugfest outside. "This is it." Slugfest declared, albeit a bit concerned. "Trust me." Lars urged. "I have this. If we're lucky, we should be done by lunchtime." "Wish I had your confidence..." Slugfest growled. At that point, Net Profit arrived. He was a middle-aged stallion with a pale green coat, an amber mane, and brown eyes. His cutie mark was of a profit margin chart, the red line pointing up in a perfect diagonal line. He still had a few bruises from Slugfest's attack. He threw a cold glare at the legbreaker, who fired back a sneer. Lars looked past Net, to his lawyer, and was shocked to see a very familiar face; Luxury. "What the...?" He frowned. He knew Luxury from his visits to Blazin' Blues, where they occasionally shared drinks and small talk. "Lars?" Luxury gaped as he saw him. "What are you doing here?" "I'm defending Slugfest." Lars declared. "What about you?" "I'm representing Mr Profit." Luxury answered. "You're what?" Lars frowned. "Seriously?" Luxury had made no secret of his ambition to be a lawyer. Lars wasn't aware he had actually achieved it. "Seriously." Luxury smiled. "Mr Profit's regular lawyer fell ill, so he called on me to represent him." "Really now?" Lars smirked, "My, this is going to be easier than I thought." "What's that supposed to mean?" Luxury glared. "Oh, it's nothing really." Lars shrugged, "It's just that you made a beginner's mistake taking on a case in which I am taking. I had been at this game for far longer than you could possibly had. I am afraid to say that the case is good as lost for you." "We'll see about that." Luxury glared at him. "Make no mistakes, Lars, I had heard about your skills and while I do respect them, I will not be undermined and I most certainly will not be going easy on you." "Nor I you." Lars smirked, "May the best stallion win." "Come along, young one." Profit told Luxury. "Let's get this over with." "Yes, sir." Luxury nodded. As Luxury and Profit went inside, Slugfest glanced at Lars. "You know that kid?" He asked. "A little, yes." Lars nodded. "But don't worry, you're my client, and I will defend you to my last breath." "Now that's what I like to hear." Slugfest grinned. "Let's do this." Lars and Slugfest followed their foes inside. The courtroom was packed, filled with onlookers for the case. "All rise for the honorable judge Banging Gavel." One of the bailiffs declared. The judge, an indigo Unicorn with orange eyes, took his place. "Ladies and gentlecolts of the jury, we are here today to ascertain the guilt or innocence of Mr Slugfest, who is accused of stealing from, and assaulting, Mr. Net Profit.." The judge announced. "Mr Prosecutor, your opening statement." "Thank you, your honor." Luxury stepped forward. "Ladies and gentlecolts of the jury, on the 5th of last month, Mr Slugfest entered into the corporate headquarters of Mr Profit's company. He then assaulted Mr Profit, and stole a substantial amount of money from his personal safe. Though the money was later recovered, Mr Profit's wounds remain. This was an unprovoked and cowardly act. For these crimes, I believe the maximum penalty should be issued." "Thank you, Mr. Prosecutor."The judge nodded, as he turned to Lars, "Mr Defense Attorney, your opening statement." "Thank you, your honor." Lars stood up. "Ladies and gentlecolts of the supposed jury, I intend to prove without a doubt that my client never intended to assault Mr Profit, and was in fact provoked. Moreover, the theft of Mr Profit's money wasn't for my client's personal gain, but for that of a friend, a friend who had been cheated out of his rightful due by Mr Profit." The crowd muttered animatedly, surprised by this accusation. "I call my first witness." Lars declared. One of Slugfest's other associates (and a former operative of the Napoleons) stepped forward. He was a gangly teal Pegasus with silver eyes, a blue mane and a Cutie Mark of a bird by the name of Pigeon. "Mr. Pigeon." Lars declared. "Is it true that you've known my client for many years?" "Yep." Pigeon nodded. "And in all that time, have you ever known him to steal from anypony?" Lars asked. "Nope." Pigeon shook his head. "His job keeps him rollin' in dough. He don't need to steal anything." "He doesn't need to steal anything." Lars declared. "And even if he did, why would he start by stealing from such a public target?" The crowd murmured in agreement. Lars had made an excellent point. "Look at this guy... it's been over a year since that Crystal Sun incident, and everypony just forgets that this guy is a hardened criminal." Profit scowled. "They're eating him up!" "Well, you can't deny that he knows how to appeal to the crowd." Luxury admitted. "Hey." Profit glared at Luxury. "Don't you dare go idolizing this pony. I don't care what your opinion of him is outside of the courtroom, but right now, he's the enemy! I hired you because my deadbeat of a lawyer had to go and catch horn rot, and he said that you're a 'natural'..." He looked away in frustration. "What was I thinking, hiring a kid to go against this guy?" "Relax, Mr. Profit." Luxury smiled. "I understand your concerns, but I assure you, while Mr Napoleon may be good..." He stood up. "He's never gone up against the likes of me." Luxury moved over to cross-examine Pigeon. "So, Mr Pigeon, you know Mr. Slugfest very well, correct?" He asked. "Uh-huh." Pigeon nodded. "So you clearly should know what this supposed profession of his is, correct?" Luxury declared. "What might that be?" "Well, uh, he's... muscle for hire." Pigeon said nervously. "In other words, a mercenary." Lars frowned. "Kinda..." Pigeon shrugged. "So who's to say he wasn't hired to go in there and assault my client?" Luxury asked. "I, er..." Pigeon gulped. "Objection!" Lars yelled. "That is nothing but speculation!" "Overruled." Banging Gavel declared. "Maybe the money was just an elaborate ruse, and he was only there to brutally assault Mr Profit?" Luxury continued. "Nah, nah..." Pigeon shook his head. "That ain't it-" "Oh no?" Luxury smirked. "You said yourself that Mr Slugfest is a mercenary. It's very possible he was hired for this by some business rival of Mr Profit's. Isn't it?" "Well, um..." Pigeon gulped. "Isn't it?" Luxury smirked. "...Maybe?" Pigeon cringed, his resolve whittled down to nothing. "No further questions, your honor." Luxury said triumphantly. The crowd gasped and muttered as Luxury sat back down. "Holy crud, what the buck do they teach you in lawyers' school?" Profit gaped. "Who said I learned that from them?" Luxury smirked. "Guess I was told right." Profit smiled, impressed. "You really do have the moves." Lars and Slugfest weren't quite as amused. "Great job, Pigeon." Lars glared at the witness. "Sorry!" Pigeon cringed. "The kid played me like a fiddle!" "I thought you said you could win this." Slugfest snarled. "I will, don't worry." Lars declared, "Pigeon is just one witness. No biggie. This case is still good as won." "It had better be." Slugfest growled. "Or the first thing I do before they drag me to jail will be me giving you the beatdown of your life." "Duly noted." Lars nodded with a cringe. The court adjourned soon after, the case starting late in the afternoon. That evening, a discouraged Lars returned home. "So, how'd it go?" Lyra asked. "Did you blow 'em away with your legal know-how?" "Not exactly." Lars declared. "I faced an unexpectedly tough opponent." "Who?" Lyra asked. "Luxury." Lars frowned. "Luxury?" Lyra gaped. "As in Fancypants and Fleur's kid? Princess Constell's main squeeze? That Luxury?" "Yes." Lars scowled. "Loathe though I am to admit it, the kid knows his stuff. This may actually prove to be a challenge." "I'm sure you can take him." Lyra encouraged him. "Of course I can." Lars smiled. "I've taken on the best legal minds Bitaly has to offer. I can handle some punk kid." "That's the spirit." Lyra grinned, nuzzled Lars. "Go get 'im, tiger." "Oh, I will." Lars chuckled. "Tomorrow, the real battle begins..." The next morning, the trial continued anew. Lars stood up first. "I call my next witness." He declared. "Mr. Slugfest?" Slugfest took the stand. "Mr. Slugfest, is it true that you entered Mr Profit's place of business on the day in question?" Lars asked. "Yes." Slugfest nodded. "And did you do so intending to assault him?" Lars continued. "No." Slugfest answered. "I only came to take care of some... personal business. The old guy provoked me." "So you say." Luxury stepped forward, looking to cross-examine him. "Why would a stallion of Mr Profit's advanced years knowingly provoke a big brute like you?" "Beats me." Slugfest shrugged. "Maybe the old guy's got a death wish." "And what exactly was this 'business' you were taking care of?" Luxury demanded. "As I already mentioned, perhaps some competitor had hired you to injure Mr Profit." "Please." Slugfest snorted. "If I had been hired to break the old dude's legs, there were better, more out of the way places for me to do it than in his place of business." "So why were you there, Mr Slugfest?" Lars asked. "I came to talk with the old timer about a pal of mine who worked for him." Slugfest answered. "My buddy was getting paid squat, so I decided to talk with him, tell him to give my friend a decent wage." "How admirable." Luxury snorted. "Yet, it ended with robbery and assault. How did that happen?" "Well, the old guy got real stubborn about it." Slugfest declared. "He wouldn't even listen, so I lost my temper. I figured I'd just take what my buddy had earned from Profit's own safe. The old guy went crazy and attacked me! I didn't wanna hurt him, but he didn't leave me much of a choice. I gave him a little tap, thinking it'd be enough to get him to back off. But he just wouldn't go down. I had to keep hitting him until I knocked him out. I feel bad about it, but it was really his own fault. The stingy old mule should've paid his workers what they deserved." "You see, your honor?" Lars asked. "This was no unprovoked, brutal attack. My client was trying to help a friend, only to be pushed too far by Mr Profit's stubborn refusal to listen to reason." The crowd muttered amongst themselves. "What utter codswallop!" Profit yelled. "Order in the court!" Gavel struck his podium hard. "Prosecutor, your witness." "Thank you, your honor." Luxury nodded. "Mr. Profit, would you please take the stand?" Net Profit walked over, throwing a glare at Slugfest as they crossed paths. "Now, Mr Profit." Luxury declared. "Is there any truth to Mr Slugfest's story?" "Some." Profit admitted. "He did come into my office, ranting about things like 'fair dues' and what I owed others. I politely informed him that I could not simply alter a single worker's salary on a whim, mostly because it would be unfair to the rest of my employees. After that, he quickly grew hostile. He tore open my safe, and started grabbing the money. I threatened to call security if he didn't stop. It was then he attacked me. He brutally pummelled me, throwing out such insults as 'buck-brain', 'filthy snob' and 'money-grubbing piece of dung'. I quickly lost consciousness. When I came to, he was gone, along with the contents of my safe." The court gasped in horror. "Order! Order!" Gavel yelled. "My, what a harrowing experience." Lars said with mock-sympathy. "So you're just a hapless victim of circumstance." "Yes, I am." Profit nodded. "Well, according to my client, you don't really believe in 'fair' when it comes to your employees' pay." Lars declared. "In fact, he tells me that you have been embezzling profits from your own company." "Wha- I- How dare you!" Profit spluttered. "Whatever that thug told you is a pack of lies!" "Objection!" Luxury yelled. "The defendant has no proof of that!" "Sustained." Banging Gavel declared. "Now, the court will take a short recess for lunch. The trial will continue at 1:00 sharp." The crowd started to file out of the room. "Nice work, pal." Slugfest told Lars. "Look at that old fossil. He's sweatin' like crazy." "I told you." Lars smirked. "Don't be surprised if I've cracked this case by the end of the day." Meanwhile, Luxury was shrinking under Profit's glare. "I hope you know what you're doing, boy." Profit declared. "Of course, sir." Luxury declared. "I chose you for this job because I'd heard you were an up-and-comer." Profit declared. "But I'm starting to doubt if you can live up to the hype." "Don't worry, Mr Profit." Luxury said firmly. "Mark my words, that hooligan will be behind bars before you know it." After lunch, the court reconvened. "I will now call my next witnesses." Lars declared. "Captain Fletcher Ulysses and Lieutenant Caboose Napoleon of the Royal Canterlot Guard, to the stand." Fletcher and Caboose entered the courtroom, fully armored up. "Hi, Lars!" Caboose waved. "Boy, it's gonna be weird to be on this side of the courtroom!" "Captain Ulysses." Lars said grandly. "You and Lieutenant Napoleon were the ones who arrested Mr. Slugfest, correct?" "Correct, Mr. Napoleon." Fletcher nodded. "We followed a trail of clues and eye witnesses accounts, finding him at the Plowza hotel, just outside of town. Mr. Slugfest attempted to escape, but we managed to catch him." "A hotel, you say?" Lars smiled. "If he really had done a job, he would have most likely gotten paid by the time you found, and be easily able to afford a better quality of lodging. At the very least, a deluxe suite." "I must admit, you have a point." Fletcher nodded. "In fact, he could have even used the money he stole, yet he didn't." Lars pointed out. "Perhaps because he was planning to take it to his friend, as he himself stated." "You'd like us to think that, wouldn't you?" Luxury frowned. "Captain Fletcher, did Slugfest put up a fight when your cornered him?" "Yes." Fletcher nodded. "Boy, you got that right." Caboose chuckled. "Luckily, I got him in my signature sleeper hold, and he calmed right down... Then I kicked him a couple times for good measure." "Nearly cracked one of my ribs, too." Slugfest said indignantly. "And did Mr Slugfest attempt to bring the money he stole with him?" Luxury asked. "Actually, no." Fletcher declared. "He didn't even attempt to take it, though it was lying on his bed in a duffel bag, no less than four feet away." "Interesting." Luxury declared. "If he wanted to bring that money to his friend, why abandon it?" "Well, I can't be sure..." Fletcher admitted. "Perhaps he intended to go back for it later?" "Perhaps." Luxury nodded. "And perhaps he was using a low-key room so as not to attract suspicion?" "That... could be." Fletcher declared. "If he was planning on giving this money to his so-called friend, why hadn't he given it to him already?" Luxury asked. "Before the authorities had a chance to find him?" "I cannot say..." Fletcher admitted. "If you ask me, I'd say he was laying low." Luxury declared. "Waiting for the heat to die down before moving on. Wouldn't you agree, Captain?" "Well, it does fit with standard criminal mentality..." Fletcher admitted. "So you admit there is a high probability that he was indeed hiding out after committing his heinous crime?" Luxury said quickly. "...Yes." Fletcher nodded. Lars threw Fletcher an annoyed look. Fletcher made an apologetic face. "Now, Lieutenant..." Luxury turned to Caboose. "Hi, Lux." Caboose said pleasantly. "How are things?" "Oh, they're fine." Luxury smiled. "Now, Caboose, is it true that you and Lars know the defendant?" "Uh-huh." Caboose nodded, "He and our family used to do business together." "In all honesty, does he seem like the kind of stallion who would beat up a private citizen and take his money?" Luxury demanded. "Well, uh..." Caboose gulped. "He does, doesn't he?" Luxury declared. "You know... looks aren't everything..." Caboose muttered. "He's a money-grubbing thug, isn't he?" Luxury asked. "I... I..." Caboose spluttered. "A bottom-feeding scumbag?" Luxury continued. "A filthy crook of the lowest order?" "Th-those are some pretty strong words..." Caboose muttered. "Like... 'extortion' or 'schizophrenia'." "He's losing it!" Slugfest hissed. "Come on, Caboose..." Lars urged. "Slugfest is nothing but a petty thug for hire, isn't he?" Luxury asked. "Can you deny it?" "Um... objection?" Caboose cringed. "You don't get to say that!" Banging Gavel declared. "Aw, what a gip..." Caboose frowned. "But I do!" Lars yelled. "I object, your honor! The prosecutor is badgering the witness!" "I'm going to allow it." Banging Gavel announced. "At least until the witness starts making sense..." "Please answer my questions, Lieutenant." Luxury declared. "And need I remind you, you are under oath? Do you truly believe that Mr Slugfest could be guilty of these crimes?" "I... I..." Caboose stuttered. "Well, do you?" Luxury demanded. "Do you? Answer me, Lieutenant!" "Okay, I admit it!" Caboose yelled suddenly. "It was me! When I was five, I ate all the cookies in the fridge! When I was six, I dipped Slot's hoof in warm water while he slept! When I was seven, I accidentally spilled wine all over Lars' accounts work, and blamed it on Vinny!" "Wait, that was you?!" Lars spluttered. "When I was eight, I glued a pig to a goat, and called them husband and wife! When I was nine, I mixed up some fake vomit, poured it all over the school cafeteria, and pretended I was sick. And not forgetting, at Grimoire's wedding, I made my brothers sing Don't Stop Believing! Oh, I am such an awful pony!" Caboose sobbed into the podium. "There, there, Lieutenant." Fletcher awkwardly patted him on the back. "This is all very interesting, but it's not answering my question." Luxury declared. "Does Mr. Slugfest seem like the kind of stallion who would beat up a senior citizen and take his money?" "Honestly... yeah." Caboose admitted with a sniff. "...This isn't going to be in the record, is it?" "I'm afraid so." Luxury declared. "As off-topic... and entertaining as it was, it needs to be preserved." "Oh." Caboose cringed. "Sorry, Lars." "Oh, jeez..." Lars groaned. "Should have seen that coming." Slugfest groaned. "That brother of yours was always a doofus..." "No further questions." Luxury said smugly. The trial continued over the next few days, with the same pattern. No matter what defense Lars put together, Luxury always managed to poke holes in it, and vice-versa. On the third day, Luxury called in a security guard from Profit's company to testify. "Please, Mr Vigil, tell us what you saw on the day in question." Luxury urged. "Well, at around 10:00 in the morning, I saw that stallion go into the building, with empty saddlebags strapped to his side." Vigil, a dark blue Earth Pony with sapphire eyes and a guard's cap Cutie Mark pointed at Slugfest. "He came out about ten minutes later, a little dishevelled, and with his saddle bags full. I didn't think much of it at first, until I got the call that Mr Profit had been assaulted. It was pretty obvious to me that Slugfest had attacked and stolen from him." "Obvious, you say?" Lars frowned. "Because it seems rather arbitrary to me." "I saw some money sticking out of the saddlebag." Vigil declared. "That, and the fact that others inside had seen him going into Mr Profit's office, makes it sound like he attacked the boss." "Sound like, yes." Lars noted. "But I'm afraid it takes more than that to pronounce somepony guilty." Luxury scowled as Lars looked at him triumphantly. Next, Lars brought up his own piece of evidence. "These monetary earnings report bring up some interesting discrepancies." Lars declared, using his horn to project the figures onto the ceiling. "Fairly major amounts of earnings going missing, with only a hoofful of ponies who could take the money. This supports Mr Slugfest's assertion that Mr Profit is stealing from his own company." "Does it?" Luxury declared. "Mr Profit is not the only one who could access those accounts. There are several high-ranking board members who could have taken it. More to the point, Mr Profit is a multi-billionaire. The last thing he needs is money. Rest assured, a private investigation is fully underway." Lars pulled a scowl of his own. By the end of the fourth day, Lars had had enough. 'This farce has gone on long enough.' He thought. 'Tomorrow, I'm using the Chewbuccka Defense to put an end to this.' As he walked home, Lars was suddenly accosted by a fancy carriage. The door opened to reveal Luxury and Profit. "Need a lift?" Luxury asked. "Please, join us." Profit urged. Tentatively, Lars entered the carriage. "What's this?" He asked. "You planning on begging for mercy? A little late, isn't it?" "No." Luxury declared. "I had discussed with Net Profit, and we believe you don't know the whole story here." "What is there to be told?" Lars frowned. "Net Profit was stealing from his company, Slugfest called him out and gave him his just deserts." He glared at Profit. "Did I leave something out?" "...Yes... actually you did." Profit sighed. "Oh, and what may that be?" Lars challenged. "Look, Mr. Napoleon. I had heard about your escapades and how you steal from the rich to help the poor." Profit declared, "While I do not condone the crimes you had committed, I do know what it means to do the wrong thing for the right reasons. Luxury, if you please..." Luxury passed him a picture. A Unicorn mare with the same coat coloring as Profit lay in a bed, looking very haggard. "...Who is this?" Lars frowned. "That is my daughter, Income." Net Profit explained. "Daughter?" Lars asked, "I was not aware you had children." "Only the one. Her mother passed away a while ago, and I have been taking care of her ever since." Net Profit sighed. "She has been diagnosed with Knacker's Disease a while back. I had been paying for her to receive monthly treatments so that she would get better...but the treatments were expensive, and soon, my funds were running low..." "So...you decided to take money from your company?" Lars assumed knowingly. "Yes." Net Profit admitted, "I am not proud of it, but..." He let out a heavy sigh, as his eyes grew misty, "Income is all I have left. I couldn't let her pay for my money problems. But I had every intentions of returning the money once I had it... but then... Slugfest came in, and... you know the rest." "Well..." Lars frowned, feeling a sense of guilt, before glaring. "How do I know you're telling the truth? That this isn't some ruse?" "Because I've seen his daughter." Luxury declared. "She's in a terrible state. Surely, if someone you love was in her state, you would do the same, wouldn't you?" "But... that's not proof... it's... it's..." Lars said weakly. "Lars, would I lie about something like this?" Luxury asked. "You're a good pony, Lars. I know that. I believe that you deserve to know the truth." "...Did you tell Slugfest about your daughter?" Lars asked Profit. "Yes." Profit nodded. "But he refused to let that sway him. As he tore into the safe, taking what I needed to keep my daughter alive, I lost all sense of reason, and attacked him." "I... have to go." Lars got out of the carriage. "Think about whose side you should be on!" Luxury called after him. Lars rushed over to Slugfest's cell. "Slugfest!" Lars yelled. "Mr Napoleon?" Slugfest stood up from his bed, "What are you doing here? The trial doesn't start up till tomorrow." "Well, there has just been a development in the case." Lars glared. "Slugfest, were you aware that Net Profit had a daughter?" "What? That little brat of his?" Slugfest raised a brow. "Yeah... so?" "Were you aware that the reason he was taking money from his own company just so he can pay for the treatments that was keeping her alive?" Lars demanded. "...Yes." Slugfest nodded indifferently. "...What?" Lars gaped, as a chilling realization came over him. "...So... you actually robbed a pony who was doing something noble, and took what could mean life or death for his daughter?" "Well, it sounds bad if you put it like that." Slugfest frowned. "It is bad!" Lars snarled, "How could you do something like this?! What reason did you actually have to do this to him?" "Simple." Slugfest declared. "The old coot needed to be taken down a peg. All them rich folk think they're better than us workin' class ponies." "But he has a dying kid!" Lars growled. "Even if he was one of those snooty nobles, he doesn't deserve to have the only means of saving his daughter taken from him!" "Whatever." Slugfest said unsympathetically. "Ponies lose family all the time. It's a fact of life." "And I'm guessing what you said about your pal being stiffed on his wages was a lie as well?" Lars asked. "Yep." Slugfest smirked. "I needed some way of getting you on my side, so I went for the Samaritan angle. You Napoleons always went for that." "So this was never about helping out a friend." Lars glared, "This was all about hurting somepony for crap and giggles." "Well, yeah." Slugfest shrugged. "I don't believe this..." Lars set his flank to the floor. "I'm... I'm actually defending the guilty this time." "Hey. I'm not guilty till they say I am." Slugfest snarled. "And you better make sure it stays that way." "Why should I?!" Lars roared, getting up in his face. "You lied to me! I came to your defense because I thought I was helping a friend...but instead, I am helping a thug!" He then growled. "I should just drop this case and let you rot in prison..." "But you won't." Slugfest sneered. "Not if you wanna keep your perfect record. I'm guessing you'll be pulling out your famous 'Chewbuccka Defense soon? I know you, Larsy... you can't handle being bested by another pony, and with that last resort, I'm as good as out of here." "You... I..." Lars stumbled. "Like it or not, you're my lawyer." Slugfest declared. "And as my lawyer, you're honor-bound to win this case. So you may as well accept, and get the job done." Lars scowled. Without another word, he left the cell. Once he got home, he confessed everything to Lyra. "I can't believe it." He sighed. "You were right from the start. I'm defending a lowdown, rotten piece of filth. Faust, this must be how old cousin Phoenix felt with that one dude..." "Maybe you should throw in the towel." Lyra insisted. "What good's a perfect record if it means letting a creep like Slugfest go free?" "You have a point there..." Lars sighed. "And your conscience will definitely appreciate it." Lyra declared. "Right again." Lars nodded. "I'm so glad you're here, my darling. What would I do without you?" "Pray you never find out." Lyra smiled, kissing him. The next morning, he caught up with Luxury outside the courthouse. "Luxury, I've decided to concede." Lars declared. "You were right about Slugfest, and I refuse to defend a slimeball like that. You win." "I appreciate the thought, but I can't accept." Luxury declared. "If I'm going to win, it'll be by my own talents, not because my opponent quit." "But... the case..." Lars spluttered. "Luxury, you know I don't hold back, even if my defendant is truly guilty. If I did, it could lead to a mistrial. And I had this one fail-safe that never failed to date." "Oh yes, I heard of it." Luxury nodded grimly...before grinning, "But don't worry. I've got a surprise witness lined up who'll really stick a fork in Slugfest. Just hang in there until then, okay?" "Okay..." Lars nodded unsurely. As the court reconvened, a smug Slugfest leaned back in his chair. "We are now entering day five of the trial of Snarl Slugfest." Banging Gavel declared. "Perhaps today, Celestia willing, we can finally end this matter. Mr prosecutor?" "Ladies and gentlestallions, I call my final witness." Luxury declared. "Mr. Chug Tapper." A brownish Unicorn stallion with a yellow mane, green eyes, and a Cutie Mark of a glass of cider took the stand. "Mr Tapper, you run the Happy Drafthorse bar, do you not?" Luxury asked, speaking of a seedy bar in the underbelly of Canterlot. "That's right." Tapper nodded. "If you please, would you relate to us what happened on the night of the 5th of last month?" Luxury asked. "Well, I was tending bar as normal, when that Slugfest fella came into the bar, toting a sack of cash." Tapper nodded. "He bought everypony a round of cider, then after a few drinks, started bragging to some friends of his about how he beat this bigshot named Net Profit half to death, then swiped all his money..." "Did he, now?" Luxury declared. "Oh please, as if he has any proof." Slugfest scoffed. "Can anypony verify your statement, Mr. Tapper?" Luxury asked. "You betcha." Tapper nodded. "The fella got all drunk and was bragging it out loud for anypony to hear! I wasn't sure if it was actually true or not. I mean, I hear guys brag about how they beat up other guys, porked other mares. I thought nothing of it till you came and talk to me about it. That's why I brought a security tape of that night!" Slugfest's smug smirk disappeared instantly. "Security tape?" Slugfest repeated in shock. A video player was pulled into the courtroom, and the tape inserted. A black and white image of a drunken Slugfest boasting to his friends played. "...And then, I kicked the old geezer in the face!" He slurred, causing his friends to guffaw with laughter. "And now, I'm loaded! Take that, Net non-Profit!" "You see?" Tapper frowned, as the tape ended. "He's guilty, make no mistake." "But I was drunk!" Slugfest snarled, standing from his seat. "I could easily have been lying!" "Lying, you say?" Luxury smirked. "Why would you lie about something you supposedly didn't want to do? Why would you play it up as something to be proud of? Why would you tell anypony at all, if you regretted it so much?" Slugfest's face was shot with fear. "Your honor, in light of this damning evidence, we, the jury, unanimously declare the defendant, Snarl Slugfest, guilty of all charges." The head juror proclaimed. "Noooo!" Slugfest yelled. "Lars, do something! Bust out your secret weapon!" "Sorry, Sluggy." Lars shrugged. "It's a solid win. That tape is practically your admission of guilt. Even the Chewbuccka Defense can't get you out of this one." "I hereby sentence Mr Slugfest to ten years in Canterlot prison for assault, battery, and theft." The judge banged his gavel. "This can't be happening!" Slugfest snarled. "I hope you're happy, Lars! That's your perfect record, down the drain!" "I'll live." Lars said coldly. "No, you won't!" Slugfest snarled. He attempted to attack Lars, but was frozen in a field of magic. "Don't be sure." He smirked. As Slugfest was dragged away, Lars walked over to Luxury, who was being congratulated by Profit. "Well done, my boy!" Profit clapped Luxury on the shoulder. "It seems I had the right candidate after all!" "Thank you, sir." Luxury grinned. "Rest assured, I will recommend you to all my friends." Profit pledged. "I have a feeling you're going to go places in the legal world." "That would be nice." Luxury admitted. "I've always dreamt of a career like this, so I may as well make it a good one." "Congrats, kid." Lars smiled. "I've never been so happy to lose." "Thanks, Lars." Luxury smiled. "No hard feelings?" "Of course not." Lars agreed. "You have the making of an amazing lawyer. That is, if you had somepony who could show you some moves..." "Would that somepony be you?" Luxury asked knowingly. "Naturally." Lars smiled. "What do you say?" "Sure, why not?" Luxury shrugged. "You were a worthy opponent. I'd sure like to have some of your tricks up my sleeve." "Drop me my place sometime." Lars declared. "I'd be happy to give you some pointers." "You know it." Luxury nodded. "But for now, Mr Profit and I will be celebrating." "I'm sure you will." Lars chuckled. "I have some celebrating of my own to do..." That evening, Lars cuddled with Lyra on the couch. "All's well that ends well, huh?" Lyra asked. "Sure is." Lars nodded. "But you know, I think I'm done with being a lawyer. It distracts from more important things... like you." "Oh, Lars..." Lyra sighed. "You are hereby charged with being unlawfully beautiful." Lars said jokingly. "How do you plead?" "Guilty, of course." Lyra chuckled. The two kissed each other deeply. "Now for the sentence..." Lars grinned. He lifted her up in his front legs, and carried her to bed. 'So, that is the story of Lars' first loss in the courtroom. But as far as he was concerned, it was also a win. Though he did regret not being able to unleash the Chewbuccka defense one last time... On the plus side though, he was able to pass on his legal skills to Luxury, who has already started racking up the wins. So in a way, Lars' winning streak continues. And for those of you who were wondering, Net Profit's daughter recently showed signs of improvement. In fact, she may actually pull through. As for Net Profit, Luxury managed to clear him of the "embezzling" charge, since it was for a good cause, and he was able to pay some of it back after Income began to recover. Though Net was forced to perform some community service for his under-the-table methods, he actually got off well, and even took some time away from his company to focus on his daughter, providing support and encouragement on her still-shaky road to recover. Let's keep our hooves crossed for them. See you next chapter...'