Luna looked at the dark splotch in her dream, its deceptively familiar sparkle offering her some small hope that it may not devastate her dreams too greatly. “We meet again, Tantabus,” she stated simply.
The Tantabus seemed to nod at Princess Luna, then disappeared briefly. In the Mane 6 charged, just in time to witness Princess Luna morph into Nightmare Moon again. The Mane 6 then turned into their Rainbow Power shit and attempted to defeat Nightmare Moon with a rainbow.
Unlike what happened in the non-canon episode, the rainbow failed. Nightmare Moon laughed even more loudly, shooting these awesome horn lasers that smited the Rainbow 6 and ended their toy line for good. They turned back into their normal selves, and Twilight had somehow turned from an alicorn back into a unicorn because she looks fucking dumb with those wings, and Nightmare Moon was charging her horn to fire one last time.
She fired her laser, but then there was something blocking her path.
It was Darkness Awesome. “Am I late?” he asked humorously while adjusting his trilby.
Nightmare Moon said, “Who dares—” before being punched IN THE FACE by Darkness Awesome’s immaculate hoof-fist.
The punch was so powerful and so precise that it punched the darkness right out of Princess Luna, turning her back into her normal self and causing the dark power that had possessed her to splatter against the wall. It reformed into the Tantabus, which tore open a portal to try to escape to Darkness Awesome’s dreams.
“Wait a minute,” Darkness Awesome said. The Tantabus hesitated at the portal, but it knew better than to ignore a command from Darkness Awesome himself, so it waited. “Where are you going?”
The Tantabus rolled its eye-sparkles. “To your dreams, you idi—” before being interrupted by another hoof punch TO ITS FACE.
Darkness Awesome’s punch sent the Tantabus flying through the portal, into his dreams.
Princess Luna, who had regained consciousness in time to see the Tantabus fly into Darkness Awesome’s dream, screamed, “NOOOOOOOO!”
Darkness Awesome looked back at Luna. “My canon ship, what’s wrong?”
Luna sobbed loudly. “I have failed you, my love. The Tantabus haunts the dreams of ponies and gives them eternal nightmares. You will never have a good night’s sleep again.”
Darkness Awesome put his hoof on her shoulder, comforting her and illustrating the story’s cover picture. “This cover picture illustration is absolutely appropriate and not supposed to look sexual in any manner,” he said to Luna. This seemed to cheer her up slightly, and it caused her to smile adorably.
His comforting of his waifu completed, Darkness Awesome’s next goal was to defend his own dreams from that sparkly cloud of smoke. He went to the portal between Luna’s dream realm and his own, which remained conveniently open, and entered his own dreamscape.
When Darkness Awesome entered his own dream, he was wrecking Discord’s shit. Discord was all like, ooh yeah I’m like a chaos god and shit, and Darkness Awesome was like, that has no power over awesomeness, and he punched that draconequus prick right in the nuts. Discord screamed like a little girl and crumpled to the ground, writhing in pain.
“That’s what you get for thinking dirty things about Fluttershy, you disgusting clopper! This world would be better off without your kind polluting it!” Darkness Awesome declared, his absolute judgment damning Discord to have to clop in secret for the rest of his life IN REAL LIFE because Darkness Awesome is so powerful that he can influence real life in his dreams.
The Tantabus came into the dream and shifted the perspective a little.
The camera zoomed outward, revealing that everything that had happened was on a TV screen, with Discord’s health bar at 0 and Darkness Awesome’s health bar full. The controller to the fighting game that had just been getting played was being held by a pony that looked... average. Just, remarkably average. There was nothing noteworthy about him whatsoever. In fact, the most impressive thing that this pony had ever done his entire life was play Darkness Awesome in this video game. That’s how average he was.
The pony looked down at his hooves. Holy shit. I’m not special, he thought to himself.
Now, Darkness Awesome could have just banished the Tantabus’s bullshit right then and there, but he was curious now. What was life as a peon like, anyway?
Lightness Average rose from his place on the couch, doing the same thing he did every day. He went and stood at the window of his apartment, three stories up, to stare out over the Fillydelphia skyline. A few rays of watery sunlight managed to reach the ground, but the ever-present cloud of smog attempted to stifle any attempts at life on the surface.
Lightness Average shrugged to himself, resigned to his fate living in this dismal city. He did what he could to find happiness, but it was incredibly difficult for a pony who was so average to find solace in anything he said or did. Try as he might to be awesome, there was just something missing.
He shook such depressing thoughts from his head. They served nopony any good.
He turned away from the window and trotted across his tiny studio apartment, which was shared only with his mother, then out the door and down the stairs to the street. He walked the ever-familiar road to his schoolyard, the same place he seemed to go every single day. There was simply nothing else to do.
He got there and nodded to his friends, Filibuster and Chopping Block. They were pretty cool, and made Lightness Average a little cooler by proxy rule, since Lightness Average couldn’t seem to do anything cool of his own volition.
Lightness discussed various things with his friends; mares they had crushes on, how horrible their lives at home were, what they had done so far with their weekends. The conversation was just so... average.
Eventually, the conversation tapered off and they lapsed back into silence. Boredom overtook them and they took to the nearby basketball court. None of them were particularly good at it, as pony anatomy didn’t exactly make such sports convenient, but it was a far better use of their time than staring at nothingness expecting the world to somehow get better all of a sudden.
Their game was interrupted by a commotion across the schoolyard. Two of the local school bullies, Brawny Lass and Spitoon, had just stolen a lunch and were on a crash course with the basketball court.
By the time Lightness Average had become aware of the impending bullies, it was too late. His friends had managed to make themselves scarce in time, but he just wasn’t fast enough due to how average he was. Brawny and Spitoon focused their gazes on him.
“Oi, why you on our court?” Brawny Lass asked.
“Yeh, why you on our court?” Spitoon echoed.
“It’s the school’s court,” Lightness responded.
“I don’t like your tone,” Brawny drawled.
“Yeh, she don’t like yer tone,” Spitoon echoed.
As soon as Spitoon’s echo died, Brawny’s hoof-fist thing rocketed up into Lightness’s face, faster than he could react. He only had average reflexes, after all; there was no way he could have dodged that. A quick pummeling later, Lightness lay on the ground, his obstruction of Brawny Lass’s and Spitoon’s path evident across his body. There was nothing he could do—nothing anypony could have done.
After getting beaten up most ungracefully, Lightness wasn’t much in the mood for checking out mares or playing more games with his friends. He went back home to try to sleep off the pain before his weekend was over.
Back at his apartment, he opened the door and immediately noted his mother’s work horseshoes by the door. Celestia, help me. He tried his best to rush to the bathroom in the misbegotten hope that she was not between Lightness and his ability to clean himself up and make the fight look like a fall.
To no avail. She was watching a soap opera on the TV, but her eyes immediately gravitated to him as he rounded the corner. “Lightness! Goodness, what happened?” she exclaimed.
“Just a fall, Mom.”
“You shouldn’t lie to me! You’ve obviously been fighting somepony!” She scrutinized his cuts and bruises. “No, no, this is just too much.” She shook her head emotionally. “Just... too much.” She looked away and attempted to wipe away her tears.
Lightness Average rolled his eyes and headed to the bathroom to clean himself up. Looking in the mirror, he could see why he hadn’t convinced his mother; no amount of work on his appearance could have possibly fooled her this time, anyway. He got in fights from time to time; that was that.
After doing no small amount of work on his face and body, Lightness exited the bathroom to see his mother on the phone. “Yes—oh, he’s out of the bathroom now. I’ll let you know as soon as I can. Mhm. Buh-bye now.” She hung up the phone and looked at him. “Lighty, I can’t keep a close enough eye on you. I work too much. There’s just not enough left in me for this. I can’t do this anymore.”
At her final admission, she erupted into tears. Lightness Average came over and held her comfortingly, saying, “C’mon, mom, it’s not that bad. It’s just one silly fight. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s not that bad.”
She shook her head. “No, no. It is that bad. I...” she paused, gathering her courage. “I’m sending you away, Lightness.”
A range of emotions entered and exited Lightness Average’s mind in quick succession. Fear, anger, confusion, surprise, excitement. He wasn’t certain what to think. He would be gone from here. Away. That was both the best possible thing that could happen to him and the worst.
Over the coming weeks, Lightness Average watched the approaching chariot flight with a mixture of anticipation and dread. He got what closure he could with his friends and his mother. He admitted to one of his crushes that he’d always liked her, but she just giggled and looked away; no one wanted an average pony, after all. He slipped an anonymous letter into Brawny Lass’s locker telling her she should stop being so mean all the time. Yet, all too soon, it was time to leave.
When Lightness came home from seeing his friends for the last time, he found his mother hastily packing his saddlebags. “Honestly, Lightness! You really had to put this off until the last minute?”
Lightness only looked down and didn’t say anything. He knew he hadn’t packed yet because he didn’t want to. Well, that wasn’t true; he wasn’t certain whether he should want to or not. Indecision tore at him; it wasn’t his choice in the end anyway, though.
The next few hours flew by in a blur. Before he knew it, his mother was giving him a kiss on the cheek and handing him his ticket at the gate into Fillydelphia Airstrip. He could see chariots taking off and landing constantly, and one of those would be his very soon.
The chariot flight had been paid for by Lightness Average’s relatives, who were apparently somewhat wealthy; he had a gilded carriage that was large enough to lie down comfortably in, he had a waiter pegasus with a cart whom he could request things from and it would be put onto his relatives’ tab. All that Lightness could think to order was a simple glass of apple juice; when it was served, however, it was given to him in a cider mug—as if he was old enough to drink cider. Yet, inside the mug was plain old apple juice.
Lightness shrugged. It seemed needlessly posh, perhaps, but it wasn’t necessarily bad. He got the feeling this kind of thing would become more commonplace as he adjusted to his new home. Out with the old, in with the new.
During the flight, Lightness speculated about the kind of new home he was going to. Was it going to be full of rich ponies? Snobby ponies? He was just an earth pony; would he even be welcome where he was going to end up? It just seemed so... un-average. An average pony living among posh ponies; this would be interesting.
When Lightness exited the plane, he looked around for an indication of where to go. He noted that his bag would have been carried on a baggage chariot, which was pulled by multiple brawny pegasi, so he may have to wait a few minutes to get it. Eventually, they flew in, his saddlebags were deposited at his hooves, and he went to find his way to his relatives’ home.
Immediately exiting the airstrip, he duly noted a Royal Guard holding a plaque with his name on it. What, was he stupid? He didn’t need a guard to lead him home or anything; it’s not like he was a particularly bad troublemaker. Probably his mother fretting too greatly, thinking this may be a bad neighborhood or something. Considering the wealth he had already been shown by his relatives, it was unlikely he would be mugged.
Lightness skipped out on the uncomfortable ride with the Royal Guard and approached the nearest road. As expected, there were a number of carriages waiting for ponies in a line. He approached the nearest and took a seat.
A cursory look around showed that it was a nice chariot. A very nice chariot. This was a place where nopony knew him; he could do whatever he wanted, disappear, and never arrive home. They could guess he died making his way to his relatives, or foalnapped, or any other nasty fate.
He shook his head back and forth. Nah, forget it. Honestly, it was one of the sillier things he had considered as of late. It was probably just his nerves getting the best of him. He cleared his throat, pointed forward, and declared, “Yo pone, to Bel-Mare!”
At that moment, the nightmare of normality that Darkness Awesome had been absorbed in ruptured. There was no way the Tantabus could ignore a reference that awesome. It had to admit, even for the most absolutely average pony in existence, if it was in any way associated with Darkness Awesome, there was no way it could possibly fuck with him.
Darkness Awesome broke out of the mold of Lightness Average, his remarkably average alter ego still way more awesome than the average pony. The worst that the Tantabus could do was what it had just done, and it had completely and utterly failed.
Its feelings hurt, the Tantabus curled up into a ball and began to cry.
Darkness Awesome felt bad for the little wisp of darkness. He came down and hugged it and said, “There, there. You did well. I’m just too awesome to be defeated by the likes of... well, anything.”
The Tantabus was encouraged and, it had to admit, a little flustered. It decided to speak to Darkness Awesome. “Darkness Awesome, I know I’m evil, but I want to be good. If I promise to be good from now on, will you sleep with me?”
Darkness Awesome smiled confidently. “Sure.”
Then Darkness Awesome and the Tantabus banged.
The Tantabus, after being completely satisfied, looked at Darkness Awesome. “My love, I lied to you. I am sorry. I am actually just another part of your true love, Princess Luna. Making it with me was little different from making it with your wife.”
Darkness Awesome smiled confidently. “I’m monogamous anyway. I already knew that.”
The Tantabus bid Darkness Awesome farewell, then went back to Luna’s dream to be absorbed back into her. Just like always, Darkness Awesome’s overwhelming awesomeness satisfied a nightmare creature while simultaneously satisfying his wife and saving the day in a single action. And he overcame averageness.
Upon waking up the next day, the Mane 6, who vividly remembered their being saved by Darkness Awesome, came to his house. Twilight, who still didn’t have her wings because the series was better off without them anyway, looked him in the eyes. “We’d like to thank you for your help, Darkness Awesome. All of us.”
Darkness Awesome smiled confidently. “As you wish.”
They then banged.
Darkness Awesome learned a new fetish from each of the Mane 6 that day. Twilight was totally into missionary—though Darkness Awesome did it only briefly, since that position is pretty lame; Fluttershy was a total masochist; Rarity liked having her hair roughed up and being called dirty; Rainbow Dash liked having her ego stroked; Applejack was actually more into pears; and Sunset Shimmer liked them really big. Her beds, that is. And houses. And other miscellaneous things I just saw looking around.
... Okay, we all know Pinkie Pie is going to get cut out of the series. She’s the weakest link. This episode was just the first step of removing Pinkie Pie and replacing her with Sunset Shimmer.
After satisfying all Mane 6, Darkness Awesome bidded them a fond adieu and teleported directly into Luna’s bedroom. His wife lay there waiting for him.
“Darkness Awesome, we wish to thank you for reuniting us with ourselves. The Tantabus tells us of what you did and what you said. Thou art truly awesome without parallel. Even average cannot keep thou down.”
Darkness Awesome smiled confidently. “I’ll let you keep me down all night if you want.”
Then they banged.