The day that I, King Dainn of the Caribou, lost my throne was a day that would live on in infamy in the history of my nation. We had chosen a disastrous course, to do the undoable. We had decided to conquer Equestria. Our own homeland was gone. The plan was simple really. Invade, overthrow the princesses, rape all the mares, brainwash all the stallions. Rape has long been a weapon of war among us-designed to break the spirit of resistance. Among us females are considered objects, property to be used and discarded at will. Besides, we had made a deal with the Spirit of Chaos. He had promised us invincibility.
Looking back, why in God's name did I make a deal with the Father of Lies? Really didn’t think this one through. Equestria has never lost a war. Not once. The closest it ever came was during the Changeling Invasion. Part of this is because of Harmony. No, not the magical artifacts. It’s the philosophy. Equestria is composed of three tribes, Unicorns, Pegasii and Earth Ponies. From what I understand these tribes were all independent and indeed at one another’s throats millennia ago. How they united is a fascinating tale that, at the time, I didn’t know. I just saw a nation of prissy ponies ruled by a prissy princess.
Pride before destruction.
Each tribe supports the other. In battle the Pegasii strike first, defending the Earth Ponies. Then the Earth Ponies use their strength to break through enemy lines allowing the Unicorns to mow down any remaining enemies that haven’t been trampled beneath Earth Pony hooves.
Watching from afar I’m sure it’s quite impressive. Three tribes united as one. The awe-inspiring power of Harmony.
We should have noticed the grey, threatening clouds looming on the horizon as we crossed the border. We should have felt the raw power of lightning, the wrath of thunder. We saw it too late. Armored Pegasii, the wrath of Tartarus blazing in their eyes. They darkened the sky, thousands and thousands of them. Each one was flying, spinning a thundercloud. Rolling thunder broke the sky. I gave the order and we shot our arrows towards them. That’s when the Pegasus Commander gave the signal and a tornado ripped through our ranks. We ran screaming as the whirling twister slashed through our carefully constructed rows. I remember the scream of stags as they were caught up in it. Suddenly, the tornado stopped. I ordered the ones that were left to charge.
“For our Nation! For Male Supremacy!” The standard-bearer screamed, waving the antlers-and-phallus flag. Brave lad. He was the first to be trampled. We charged, our spears pushed outward. From the hills the Earth Pony Warriors charged. Our spears clashed again and again, but their strength prevailed. No sooner had we advanced an inch a charge of Earth Pony blades pushed us back. Then the Unicorns attacked our rear flank, bolts of energy shooting into the line. I remember the screams of the dying, as they were cut down by combat spells, as their skulls were crushed by Earth Pony hooves. Then the rains came pouring down on us, mixed with lightning. The lightning only struck us, guided by Pegasii. I watched Unicorns cast shields around their Earth Pony brethren even as their own life blood seeped out on the sand. I saw Pegasii swoop down and stab Caribou as they attacked Earth Ponies. The warriors of the three tribes trampled down upon us, brought death from above and mowed through our bravest warriors. They were insane, mad.
Here was a nation that counted no sacrifice too high to protect a friend, here was a nation that would literally fight till the death until there was no one left to fight.
Here was a nation that would never know the conqueror’s lash.
Finally, I gave the order. Retreat. Retreat and never come to this place again. Even as we ran the warrior stallions pursued us. My second-in-command pushed me to the ground then stabbed me in the side. I had lost the war and thus my right to the throne. I curled on the grass and waited for the blessed release of death.
It never came. When I came too it was in a prison. I stood and began to examine my surroundings. I was on a cot. It was not uncomfortable. My surroundings were bleak, a stone cell. Two guards were outside the cell.
“So, you’re awake.” One said.
“I shall inform the Princess.” The other said. He left and a few minutes later the most radiant being I have ever seen walked into the room. She had a solid white coat, a long horn, two graceful wings spread out at her sides and a flowing rainbow colored mane. Her expression was gentle, calm. She turned that gaze to me and walked into my cell. There was no mistaking her. This was Princess Celestia, the Dawn Bringer, Raiser of the Sun.
“How are you feeling, King Dainn?”
I stood up, not wanting to show weakness to my fellow monarch, especially not a female. I noticed my wound had been patched up.
“What do you care, Bitch?”
The calm expression wavered for three-quarters of a second. It was the longest three quarters of a second of my life.
“I care about the welfare of all living things.” She answered.
I began to laugh. “I would have enslaved your ponies, sliced off the horns of unicorn mares, ripped off the wings of the pegasii mares. Fucked them all, every one of them.”
“You are a living creature, nonetheless. One that has lost his way, but a living creature. How are you feeling?”
“Like any being facing its death.”
She raised an eyebrow. “And what will kill you, King Dainn?”
“Don’t pretend. You’re probably having my gallows set up as we speak.”
“The death penalty was outlawed four-thousand years ago.” She said.
“You’re not going to kill me?”
“I’m not sure what I’m going to do with you.”
“Will you keep me in here?”
“You have committed no crime more heinous than ambition. I will have you escorted back to your homeland.” Celestia said.
“The Caribou have no homeland.”
“Until they gain one are they not staying in the Northern Tundra?”
It frightened me that she knew that. “Yes. But I can’t go back. If I do I’d be executed. Or turned into a female, raped and then executed.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Is your entire culture built around rape?”
It was the punishment for most crimes. “Not entirely. It is a major part however.”
Celestia was deep in thought for a while. “I can allow you to stay in the palace until you become acclimated to Equestrian culture.”
She would allow me, her enemy, to stay in her palace? She would allow me to live in her homeland?
“I’m not sure what to say.”
“Would you like some food?”
“Yes.”
That was something I knew about females. They loved to nurture.
“I will have the chefs prepare you a traditional Caribou meal I recall your ancestors enjoying.”
'Please don’t be stewed grass, please don’t be stewed grass, please don’t be stewed grass.' “Thank you, Princess.”
She opened the door to my cell. “Guards, please escort King Dainn to a guest room. He is to be confined there till further notice.”
They nodded and escorted me to my luxurious prison.
…
The room was about as large as my chambers at my own palace. Most of it was taken up by a bed covered in silken sheets. There was also a writing desk and a bookshelf. A window provided a nice view of Canterlot. I sat on the bed and flipped through one of the books. I soon got bored of it. The story-if it could be granted such a lofty title-revolved around a stallion who had feelings for a mare. The mare had feelings for him. Rather than straight fucking they spent something like three-hundred pages dancing around the subject. Why didn’t the male simply force the female to submit? Or the female could have been honest about her feelings. It was very strange and frustrating. The rest of the books were about history, a subject I had no interest in. There were a few books about folk-songs. Music was another one I had no interest in.
I began pacing. Finally, out of pure desperation mind you, I decided to speak to the Guards.
I stood in the doorway. The guards gave me wary looks.
“Might I speak with you?” I asked.
“So long as that does not distract us from our royal duty.”
“It won’t. I just had a question.”
“Speak freely.” The guard said.
“During the battle I noticed all three pony tribes fighting alongside one another.”
“Naturally. We are one nation.” The guard said.
“Why? Why would a Unicorn give his life for an Earth Pony?”
“We are one nation.” The guard repeated. “Besides, the tribes are friends.”
I blinked. “What is friends?”
The guard stared at me like I was an idiot. “Caribou do not have friends?”
“No. Of course not. If I knew what it was I wouldn’t ask.”
“A friend is…well, somepony you get along with. Somepony that supports you.”
“Supports? Like a slave?”
“No. Friends are equal.”
“What does that mean?”
The guard stared at me. The other guard tried to explain. “Perhaps you don’t have a good grasp on Equish. Equal means two who are the same. No, that’s not quite right.”
“It can’t be.” I pointed out. “Earth Ponies and Unicorns are different. You have a horn and you don’t.” I pointed out their differences. “So, who rules? Earth Ponies, Unicorns or Pegasii?”
“Nopony. We work together.” The Unicorn guard said. “Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are our rulers.”
“You take orders from bitches?”
I stepped back as he put his spear to my throat. “I have dedicated my life to them. Refer to them in such a derogatory manner again and I will kill you and take whatever punishment they choose to dish out for doing so.”
“Oh my. Are you not getting along with our guests?”
The guard removed his spear as Celestia strode down the hall. She followed a servant-mare who had a bowl of soup in her magical aura. I made out the scent of boiled birch. My stomach growled in response. I greedily took it from her.
“Hungry are we?” Celestia asked. Her smile mocked me. I glared at her then took the soup with me into my room. I sat at the desk and took in the rich scent of the meal. My mother had made this for me. Idly I wondered how Celestia had known my ancestors. Much of our history was lost following the loss of our homeland. I drank the soup, relishing the flavors dancing on my tongue. Celestia walked into my room.
“Enjoying it?”
“Yes, very much. By the way, what is friendship?”
Her eyes lit up. I swear to God they actually lit up. “Friendship is the cornerstone of Equestrian culture. I encourage all ponies to be friends with one another. The power of friendship is like a shield eternally protecting my kingdom.”
“But what is it?”
She stared at me like the guards had. “I know your ancestors had it. Your ancestors were a noble race. Warriors yes, but renowned for their hospitality and their generosity. What happened to you? When did you lose your way, Haakon’s Son?”
“It has been three-thousand years since Haakon walked this world.”
“The world lost something precious when he departed it. He forged the warring Caribou tribes into a nation.” Celestia said.
“I know the deeds of my ancestors.”
“He made the Caribou friends to one another.”
“He struck fear into their hearts!” I protested.
“I knew him personally. I counted him a friend. But your nation lost its way. I know not where, but you lost something. I pray you find it again.”
She left the room when I did not respond. Hatred I could understand. But this? I was granted mercy, a word which my language does not have a word for and I was surrounded by a bunch of crazy ponies trying to induct me into their friendship cult (whatever the hell friendship is).
God take me now.