The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Foresight, Foreground

Advisory: For optimal viewing experience, please set "Formatting" to "Dark". Thank you.

A/N: This will be fun. Other than that, it'll be a total wash.
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, Funimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama.
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These seem like decent folks. They should be properly respected.

When you have a television show with a great deal of characters, it's easy to forget some of them in favor of the others.

It almost becomes a joke that these characters are interpreted by the fans as being part of the background.

It's time to show a little appreciation for the ones that always lend their support to the hero's achievements.

By having them beat the crap out of each other?

Oh, hell yeah!

Tien, the tri-clops of Dragonball.

... and Applejack, the Element of Honesty.

He's W and I'm B.

And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Tien
-Full name: Tenshinhan
-Often allied with Chiaotzu
-Human? Alien? Uh...
-Trained under Tsuru-Sen'nin
-Ki techniques: Solar Flare (blinding light), Kikohou "Tri-Beam" (strong beam that can paralyze foes or potentially destroy a planet; can kill Tien if performed too many times in one battle)
-Shishin no Ken "Multi-Form" (divides user's strength into one-fourth per clone)
-Held the so-called perfect Cell at bay for a large chunk of an episode
-Has inconsistent winning streak during the Z-series

"Chiaotzu, let's go."

Tenshinhan was once a top student under the Crane Hermit alongside the tiny, floating Chiaotzu. His prowess in the martial arts was used as his reasoning to be... kind of a dick to the rest of the Dragonball characters. Though, after a couple matches with a disguised Kame-Sen'nin and Goku, he up and ditched the Crane Hermit under the idea that Goku didn't need to die.

After defeating a cybernetic Tao, Tien's story is pushed to the side as the show focuses more on Goku's improvements. However, we did get snippets of Tien training with Popo before the Saiyans' arrival and King Kai before the end of the Frieza arc.

At one point in the manga, it was brought up that Tien was a three-eyed alien, but... it didn't really go anywhere. So, the Z series treats him as any other human with an advanced piece of plastic surgery in his forehead.

Tien has learned to improve both his muscular build and his manipulation of Ki. This energy manifests in some of his more famous moves such as the blinding Solar Flare, the small and slow Dodon Ray, a "Multi-Form" technique, and his nearly Earth-shattering move: The Kikohou.

... which turns triangles into freaking squares! Oh, it's also useful for putting a lot of pressure on the opponent so that they can't move very well... just like what I do in the bedroom when I'm on top.

Too much information, B. Though, it should be noted that excessive use of the Kikohou uses up a lot of Tien's Ki and can kill him.

Though, anything that can hold back a nearly perfect Cell must be bad*ss in action.

Aside from his own energy destroying himself, he doesn't have any glaring weaknesses except dealing with enemies with greater power.

Is there any way to end this part on a better note than him getting the crud beaten out of him?

"Tri-Beam! Hraaagh! Hraaagh! Hraaagh!"

Heh heh. That'll do.

Applejack
-Nickname: AJ
-Earth pony
-Represents the spirit of Honesty
-Often found working on the farm or exploring with her friends
-Defies physics by dislodging apples from the tree without breaking the trunks
-Has won a plethora of ribbons at rodeos
-Often brings in a lasso out of absolutely nowhere
-Holds a number of things with her hooves in spite of them being... well, hooves
-Strong, agile, and flexible legs
-Is often written as the voice of deception or acting

"Yeah, you were pretty rotten."

"Wow, Applejack. I know your thing is honesty, but come on."

Applejack is a proud member of the Apple Family and the Element of Honesty of the famous "Mane Six". But before she was a hero to speak of, she was once a little filly.

Young Applejack didn't want to run an orchard all her life and tried living it out in the city. But as it turned out, none of the fancy Manehattenites passed basic elementary school.

"What is a... 'rooster'?" This male voice clip is followed by some lighthearted laughter.

Plus, the entrees weren't even big enough to keep a starving kid alive.

But soon after feeling homesick, the light of a Sonic Rainboom led Applejack back to her family at Sweet Apple Acres and she realized that was exactly where she wanted to be.

Cut to several years later, and she was put in charge of cake decorations for the sun deity's thousandth birthday.

No, no, no, no, no. It was the thousandth Summer Sun Celebration held by Equestria's princess and Applejack was in charge of banquet preparations.

Meh, everything sounds the same to me when it's coming from a little girl's imagination.

You know what? I'll handle this part. Ever since joining Twilight Sparkle and the rest of the bearers through the Everfree Forest and discovering her Element, Applejack has been through a lot. Most of her normal days include several hours of manual labor, bouts of exhaustion, competing for top athlete, being broken by a chaos entity, dealing with monster attacks, sacrificing something personal to save a misfired and enchanted friend, and magically losing her individual talent on three separate occasions.

And that's not including all the damage she's had to repair after antics involving her sister and the pink horse.

As a trait of the earth ponies, Applejack possesses a natural born strength and a connection with the earth. This allows some of her fruit-bearing crops to grow at exponential rates, and it lets her collect that food in a way that is not physically possible. Apples tend to have wide stems that practically anchor them to the tree and cannot feasibly be dislodged without knocking over the tree itself. Yet when Applejack bucks the trunk, they fall off with little to no hesitation.

Screw you, physics! I've got a fedora.

... That's a Stetson.

Stetson!

She has also mastered use of her lasso and has even used it to pull and slam a giant bug-bear to the ground. On top of that, she's won blue ribbons in five separate rodeos.

But the catch of being the Element of Honesty is that it makes her a terrible liar.

While she has been shown to be quite capable of saying falsehoods, that's just it. It's obvious when she lies. Contrary to characters like Rarity and Rainbow Dash that have been shown to hide secrets fairly easily, Applejack is pretty bad at hiding her tells.

Maybe it's because telling lies physically hurts her somehow.

That wouldn't be the most surprising thing in this magical land of talking ponies.

I guess she's the best kind of friend. If she doesn't tell you what she's honestly thinking, she'll pay just as much a consequence as you do. Just don't challenge something involving her word and/or family. She takes offense to that.

"Is that a challenge?"

All right, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time for a Death Battle!

The camera brings us back to Kame House. Oddly enough, the same cast and crew is still hanging around this place even though it should technically have been a few days since Yamcha left. The space ship is currently open and vacant as Yamcha is already walking up to open the house's door.

"Hey, guys! I'm back!" he hollers.

"Sensu Bean!" yells Krillin as he tosses a little green bean. It flies and hits Yamcha in the cheek before falling to the floor.

"Thanks, but I don't actually need one of those this time." Yamcha chuckles as he holds up a box tied up with string.

"Oh, what's that?" asks Gohan.

"It's a long story..."

---

Eventually, they all end up sitting around the floor and couch. Of course, that doesn't really include Piccolo and a certain someone else who silently insist on standing. As Yamcha finishes describing his throw down with the pink monstrosities, he unties the string on the box.

"And then the real pink pony sent this little thing to take home after the party was done."

The box folds open to reveal a design of Pinkie Pie in frosting.

"What's that gibberish written in icing?" wonders Chi Chi.

"She said it was meant to say, 'Thank you, new hero,' or something like that."

"I don't believe you," comments Master Roshi.

"I can't believe you," adds Piccolo.

"I'm starving!" Before anyone can object, Goku tosses the cake up and bites it all down until there's nothing left but the tiniest of crumbs.

"What the hell, Kakarot?" blurts out Vegeta.

"Well, it's probably fine," comments Yamcha. "I mean, Goku was the only one that actually died on their planet, so it's only fair that he gets their peace offering."

"Are you daft, beta-male?" The Saiyan Prince jerks his head. "There's no telling what those stupid horse freaks will do if left unchecked. I am going to head to that world-"

"And then what?" Piccolo crosses his arms. "Last time you fought one of those creatures, they Android Eighteen-ed all of your limbs."

Out of nowhere, a new voice screams, "Enough! I am not a spectator! I am a warrior!"

The self-proclaimed warrior dashes out and takes the ship for a redialed trip. The rest of the gang looks at the open door with various levels of surprise.

"Some days, it's really hard to read that guy," says Gohan.

---

There's a slight break on the farm where some pony has time to check the internet. It just so happens that she clicks a few random links regarding the pony community as a whole. Eventually, it leads to a page on the Trixie Variety Show website that has some rather choice words under a picture of her. Steam builds up from the pony's ears before she slams the top of her desk and shakes everything on top of it.

"I am not a background pony! I am a main character!"

Furiously, she gallops out of her home. She needs some way to burn off this frustration. At the same time, a Capsule Corp spaceship slams down into the ground. Its door opens up to release the man who is clearly not a spectator.

He points at the pony. "You! Me! Fight! Now!"

"Finally!" This pony cracks her neck a little before looking skyward. "Announcer! Get off your hind quarters and start this darn thing!"

"Um... Y-Yes, ma'am... *ahem* FIGHT!"

Tien flies forward. As he gets close, he throws a barrage composed of fists and kicks. Applejack tries to back up and to hold up her hooves in defense and even manages to kick back a couple times. However, a few more quick hits from her opponent send her spinning around into an apple tree. Shaking herself off a bit, she lines herself up and bucks that tree. Several apples fall from the shaking tree into a large pile.

Applejack picks up and tosses several of these apples in Tien's direction. With a deadpanned expression, Tien fires a few small Ki blasts and basically incinerates all of the foe's incoming projectiles. He concentrates and grunts a little. Within seconds, three more of him are floating in the air next to him.

"What in tarnation?" Applejack looks at the four Tiens in confusion.

These clones fly closer and around and take turns wailing on her. She's taking hits from all around, but she notices that they aren't as bad as the punches when there was only one of him. After sliding back from the last of the clone's hits, she pulls out her lasso. She swings it around a little before whipping it around one of the Tiens.

She pulls hard on the rope with her mouth and spins around. This rotation slams Tien into one, two, and finally all three of his clones. In some loud painful noises, they all pop back into the original warrior. He ends up getting slammed into the freshly bucked apple tree, toppling the whole thing over.

Growling, he stands up. He holds up both of his hands to his forehead, palms facing outward.

"Solar Flare!"

Applejack yelps as a massive light blinds her. She tries to rub the split-second image of her granny in a bathing suit out of her vision, but the damage to her reticles is already done. Now is Tien's chance as he holds his hands out in front of him. He twists them around into a few signs before settling on a triangular shape.

"Shin... Kikohou!"

Finally able to see again, Applejack's moment of relief is bittersweet. She takes a face-full of the enemy's strongest blast. She slides along the crumbling ground a few inches before being forced to do a back-flip. She struggles to stand back up.

"Ki! Ko! Hou!"

More shots of the same type send her rolling back even farther. She wants nothing more than to gallop and wallop the guy, but he doesn't seem to be letting up anytime soon.

"Ki! ... Ko! ... Hou!"

She slides back further, finding it difficult just to lift a hoof in the midst of that yellow Ki.

"Ki! ... Ko! ... Hou!"

One more strike sends her landing on her back and then flipping over to slide along her belly. The beam attacks seem to be taking a break. Are they done yet?

"Kikohou."

She yells in frustration as the last blast sends her hurtling into her barn. The whole structure falls down into a crumbled mess of wood and hinges. Meanwhile, Tenshinhan is breathing extra heavily right about now. His shoulders sag with each breath. All three of his eyes slowly close. He collapses onto his chest, grunting for his life to hang on just a little longer.

A bit of the rubble from the destroyed barn shakes. Applejack crawls out. She's covered with bruises, yet she tuckers on. Slowly, she trots the several yards it takes to reach the man. Breathing heavily, she slowly places her hoof right onto his back. Tien's next breath is exhaled more gently.

"K.O.!"

This pony keeps winning every time she shows up on this ridiculous mockery of our actual show.

This match was a lot closer than you'd think. While Tenshinhan had the advantage of flight, mobility, and projectiles, he does not have the best track record when it comes to strategic planning. While tenacity is what has allowed Goku to win some of the more impossible fights, that kind of attitude has landed Tien into more trouble than what it was worth.

He tried going in with fists flying despite the Androids totally wrecking Vegeta's arms. That required some Sensu treatment after they left him for dead. And it happened again after his bad*ss moment against the semi-perfect Cell.

While holding off Cell is impressive, he didn't actually have enough force to kill Cell, despite the ability to destroy pretty much everything else around him.

But why couldn't Tien kill a pony if Yamcha could kill twenty pink ones on his own?

Funny you should mention that. As it turns out, Applejack is a little more durable than your average Mirror Pool clone. Take for example the time she was within the same vicinity as a certain other pony that can fly faster than sound. When Rainbow Dash was assigned to tear down an old barn, she didn't take the reasonable approach with a sledgehammer. No, she weakened down the support with kicking, biting, and finally a direct assault with an explosion on par with her Sonic Rainboom.

Oh yeah! I remember that thing that's supposed to break both the sound barrier and the freaking light spectrum!

Reasonably speaking, that helmet that Applejack was wearing would not have been enough to save an ordinary pony such a short distance away from the aftershock within the same vicinity as that explosion. That's not even including the pile of debris that abruptly landed on top of her after that.

And then she just popped right back up and jumped out of the ditch! No broken bones or anything!

If that isn't enough to show her physics-defying durability, then watch this scene from the second half of "Twilight's Kingdom". Tirek was holding all of Twilight's friends as hostages in exchange for her alicorn magic. When he released them, he didn't politely lower them to the ground. He dropped them from a height greater than the top of his horns at the time. Taking into account Equestria's apparently high gravitational force and comparing heights, Applejack's impact with the ground should have left her completely crippled. But no, she's in relatively stable health when she asks about Discord giving them the last key.

And that was without her earth pony power supporting her at the time. Just imagine how much more durable she is with her full strength.

Unfortunately for Tien, his best attack ended up being his biggest downfall. Overusing the Kikohou killed him faster than it would his enemy.

Tien just Kikohou-dn't make AJ buy the farm.

The winner is Applejack.

Applejack lifts Tien's arm over herself. She slowly drags him down a long dirt path. A hospital stands in the distance.

"What are you... doing?" It hurts Tien to breathe.

"I think we've both had enough of the world shoving us to the side." She gives a small smile to her would-be attacker. "How's about we go find something more productive to kick once we've gotten ourselves patched up?"

Tien lets out a pained chuckle before laughing a bit more lightheartedly.

"Kudos!"
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